Kendragon: The Chronicles of a Rhombus

He's the man with the name you'd love to touch. But you musn't touch!

2009-04-15T11:31:00.004-04:00

Got some good news and bad news, Party People.

Okay bad news first:

I think my job is making me sick. I’m so stressed lately that I’ve been getting all sorts of problems with my mouth lately. Cause as we know, my mouth and throat are retarded and are the first places that I get messed up when my body has problems. I’ve got weird white lines running along either side of my tongue (showed it to a friend and she told me that it looks like something she had for awhile when she was under tons of stress, and according to my research it’s some type of auto-immune response to stress), my tongue randomly swells but only when I’m at work, and I’ve been getting tons of canker sores again, which my doctor tells me is probably because of …take a guess…stress. I think I’m allergic to my job, Party People. Wee!

Now to the good news:

Everything else is going great! Still rocking the gym. Clothes are fitting more loosely all the time. I’ve been rocking music from the late 80s and early 90s for the past week or so at work (‘Valerie’ by Steve Winwood anyone?) and its easing some of my tension. I’m only about a week from going out to see Awesome Former Roomie in Chicago and I’m super pumped for that. Crazy has been staying away for the past month or so. Lots of good stuff.

Oh…and then there’s the new guy. I think I’ll call him Max. As in Max Powers. Cause he loves that episode of the Simpsons. Which makes me VERY happy.

Max is pretty great and I’m enjoying him a whole bunch. And its mostly cause there are no games with this one. He’s very up front with me and clearly communicative. I think we’re pretty much at the same place in our lives and it’s very comfortable to be with him.

Not to mention he’s cute as the day is long, very muscly, smarter than many people I know, charming, not afraid to show affection without being gross about it, has great friends that I like hanging out with, and he’s NERDY! I adore that he’s nerdy. So…Max is quickly becoming one of the highlights of my day-to-day.

And I’m seeing him tonight. And I’m excited. And I’m also very dorky about this guy.

The only thing that worries me right now is that I’m moving a bit too fast with Max. But basically he’s been the one taking all the initiative, and I’m aware of the fact that I need to let things just happen without any pressure. And I think I’m doing that to be honest; I’m letting things kind of evolve with him and so far we’re getting a pretty cool species.

So to sum up, Max is great. My health is more-or-less great. My friends are great. Now if we can make one last piece of the puzzle to come together, I won’t have anything to complain about!

Hooray!!!!

2009-04-06T11:19:00.002-04:00

So this is my 100th Post, Party People!!!

PARTY TIME!!!!

Wooo!! Look at the balloons dropping from the ceiling!!! It’s a Technicolor display of joy!!! Woooooo!!!!!!!!

For this monumental post I think I’m gonna just focus on the joyness that has been my past few days. Why will this be the focus? Cause I am opting to make this moment about awesomeness rather than Crazy.

Hear that Crazy you jerkoff? It ain’t all about you!

…jerk…

Anywhosel. So I’m looking foxy today. My hair stylist (whom I love love love) took me really blond for the summer and I’m totally feeling the bright locks. She also gave me a mini facial which was amazing. My skin is super duper smooth and I can’t stop touching it. Totally relaxing and wonderful trip to the spa. That coupled with my looking better and better all the time from all the working out.

I’m a bit vain about this I know, but I love how my body has changed from the exercise. I did spinning this weekend and I was able to do the entire class without any major issues. The last time I did spinning I was so out of shape that I nearly passed out and had to leave the class early. Clearly I’m improving. So that’s amazing to note.

Went and hung out with Neat this weekend for a bit. Had a nice little girl chat with her that nourished the feminine bit of me that I try to pretend doesn’t really exist. Which is why I love her. Cause she lets me be that way without mocking me or going to far into that mentality. It twas sweet.

I hung out with some really chill people this weekend. Doing stupid simple things but it was with such a fun group of new people that I dug every moment. One night we went to a cult film series showing of ‘The Thing’. God I love that movie! And the fact that I got to see it with people that were laughing at the same inappropriate moments as me totally took me back to Chicago and my peeps there.

Which I will be going back to in about two weeks y’all! Woohoo for seeing Awesome Former Roomie!

And I’m not gonna talk about it in too much detail since that usually ruins everything, but the group I was hanging out with might have contained a rather cute and charming young man that I enjoyed the company of. Tee!

So hooray Party People! Hooray for good weekends! Hooray for looking pretty! Hooray for being physically fit! Hooray for Neat! Hooray for cult movies! Hooray for planned trips to Chicago! Hooray for Awesome Former Roomie! Hooray for cute boys that seem to dig me!

And hooray for my having Party People that care about me enough to read about my life. Love you all. For reals yo.

Awesomeness!

2009-04-01T11:05:00.009-04:00

So in the interest of keeping people up-to-date on all that is awesome in the realm of the Kendragon, here’s a list of things that have been making me incredibly happy and content lately.

The Black Keys. Don’t know em? Look up ‘Strange Times’, ‘Lies’, and ‘The Breaks’. Mmm…good music. How you nourish me!

Speaking of good music, I got to go to a concert with C. Years ago when we were still dating he met Jared Leto when I was in Chicago, and since I LOVE him there has always been an understanding that eventually he would make it up to me. Well…he did so. I’ve loved the band Thursday since I was around 14. It was one of my first real concerts that I went to without parents, and at the old Grog Shop (people from Cleveland will understand the distinction and significance of this). I’ve loved them for a decade now. Well C hooked us up at the show. Not only did I get to meet the band and tell them that I’ve been following them for ever now, but they let us watch the show from side stage, signed a poster for me, and at the end of the show the drummer gave me his drum sticks that he used on stage! It was sweeeet. And we got some killer pictures too.

Okay…and while I’m thinking about the music that has been rocking my world, I’ve also been addicted to Dan la Sac vs. Scroobius Pip’s song ‘Fixed’. I already loved ‘Thou Shalt Always Kill’ but this is rocking my world so much. Enjoy the UK rap, Party People. I command it.

Whole Grain Cheerios with granola combined with blackberries and raspberries. It’s been my breakfast at work for the past few weeks. I look forward to it literally every morning. Freaking delicious.

For some reason I’ve been getting an ass load of movie passes lately. I’ve only paid for a few movies over the past month. Since I’m a girl that loves a deal I’ve been finding it fantastic that I can indulge my obsession for the cost of gas.

While I was working out at home the other day (yea…I do that now. Love being fit y’all) my mom came in to ask me a question and in mid-sentence stopped to gush that I’ve lost a whole bunch of weight. This from a woman that normally won’t tell me that she loves me because she finds it mushy. It made my entire week. And has really pushed me to want to hit the gym even harder.

And finally, the idea that I’m going to be in Chicago later this month to see Awesome Former Roomie and the pet nephews makes me so happy I can’t tell you about it. I miss them and my city so very, very much. Now if the boss would just approve the time off so that I can book my flight…grrrr….

So…totally loving the happiness. Let that be the great take away from this post.

I have returned triumphant!

2009-03-30T12:26:00.003-04:00

So I took a break from blogging. Mostly cause I needed time to myself to get over everything that was going down with me. The lowness, the break up, the not-so-happy bout the work…I needed to let all of that breath for a moment.

But I’m back now. Here’s the uber-update. And by uber I hope I mean shortish. Cause I don’t want to inundate my Party People.

I’m pretty much over the Roth break up. It sucked pretty hardcore for about two weeks, but luckily I was able to get back into the male swing of things pretty quickly. I already have three guys that are expressing interest, and although one is seeming to be absolutely wonderful and fantastic, I’m letting myself keep my options open. I feel a bit weird about this, don’t get me wrong. Ideally I want to be with one person that loves the hell out of me. But until I find that person I have to relax and let myself figure out who that will be. Keeping options open seems to be the most ideal way to do this. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass.

In terms of the lowness I’m pretty much out of it. I still have to fight not feeling lonely and rejected. Cause let’s face it, that’s what mind frame Roth put me into. But my amazing friends and these new fellas have helped to distract me from feeling that way every time it gets bad. Partially because I’m becoming smart enough to reach out when I feel shitty, but mostly because they are simply there. And for me that’s more important than anything else.

So hooray for that.

Let’s see…in terms of work things have gone from bad to worse. I have a feeling my boss might be trying to make me quit. But I can’t. So this has been an interesting last couple weeks. I’m pretty much just buckling down and trying to make it through the weeks without people having to yell at me as much as possible. Sigh… I hope things get better soon.

The fitness is going well too. My schedule has made it difficult to steadily go to the gym, but at least when I go now I feel comfortable really working myself out. By that I mean kicking my own ass. I no longer feel weird about using the free weights (used to be intimidated by the big bulky guys that hang out there), and I feel like a part of the gym enough now that I have people that wave at me when they see me come in. So…ta dow.

I don't know... I feel like I'm very close to being on my game. I went into battle and everything turned out positively. As if I'm riding in on my horse to my hometown, nearly done with my epic journey back home with the head of my enemy in my sack to be placed upon a pike as a warning to any others that might threaten me.

...or other images that are not nearly as creepy.

I think that’s about it for now. I promise I am back in the game, and regular blogging will occur again now. So…enjoy that mo fos!

I'm a Sad Panda.

2009-03-02T11:55:00.004-05:00

So Roth and I broke up. And the Kendragon is far from rejoicing.

Rather the Kendragon feels stupid and like it’s all her fault. And that’s not cute. Not at all.

I mean yes he lied to me. And yes he did it poorly. And yes I found out. And yes he lied when I called him on it until I told him I have proof. And yes when we were having the break up conversation (that would be the second time around for those keeping track) he told me that he didn’t have near the feelings for me that I had for him, and he admitted that he should have told me that weeks ago. And yes he may have been horrible at communicating with me overall and I was nothing but great to him at all times, and if he can’t see that he’s an idiot.

BUT….

I don’t know…I just feel like this all could have been avoided if I wasn’t a moron. I could have not agreed to get together with him again in the first place. I could have stopped seeing him the minute I realized I had feelings for someone who was very straight forward with me about not wanting anything remotely serious. I could have seen that his refusal to communicate or see me regularly was probably a sign that I was getting involved with someone who was going to be distant.

But of course I didn’t do that. Cause Kendragon’s are very, very silly.

Awesome former Roomie was completely amazing last night with helping me feel better. And let me just state right here how much I appreciate that. But the fact of the matter is no matter how logically I know that none of this is my fault, in my heart I know it really is.

I just wish he hadn’t fought to get me back into his life. That simple fact had me operating off a false assumption that he had some real feelings for me. Silly, silly Kendragon. You should have know that the guy that could hurt you once couldn’t really appreciate you. Not really.

Ugh.

Oh…and this whole thing’s totally not helping the massive lowness either. Dragged me right back into the muck. Thanks Roth. Thanks.

I’m a sad, sad Panda, Party People.

Short and sweet update...just like I'm not. Ba-dum-ching!

2009-02-25T13:03:00.004-05:00

Haven’t updated in a couple days here. I hope y’all haven’t missed me too, too much.

Basically the short of it is I’m doing better. Like a lot better.

I’m still having a hard time with the little things right now…like sleeping. I wake up in the middle of the night all the time again and that sucks hardcore. And I have to consciously force myself to buckle down at work.

But at least when I do that I’m getting a lot done. And I’m in a much better mood. So…big bonus.

I don’t know what brought this up-turn (decidedly this time, not just hoping) and I don’t think I care. I’m just thrilled about it and happy that it’s coming early in the week so that I can feel productive instead of like a useless piece of flesh like I did for most of the previous two weeks.

In other news my gym fanaticism is still going strong. I love how my body is beginning to look svelt instead of just trim. And I'm noticing it helping my health now too. Freaking awesome.

I'm also trying to figure out a time I can get out to see Awesome Former Roomie soon. She's been such a rock these past few weeks again and I would love to see her again. And her boy. And my pet nephews. And my city. Gawdddd I miss Chicago!

And a quick update on Roth. Ummm…he’s great. There’s moments where his inconsistent communication bothers me, but who he is and how he treats me is always of the sweetness. We talked again about the communication thing and I think that we're on the same page with that. I'm glad. And I'm happy. He makes me happy. End of discussion.

So to sum it up...I'm doing much, much better. And I'm glad for it. Be glad for me Party People.

He wasn't a very good illusionist

2009-02-17T13:10:00.001-05:00

Ahhhhh do I hate Crazy.

Crazy’s a selfish jerk with horrible timing and I loath him.

All I can keep thinking right now is that Mrs. White had it right in “Clue”.

“I hated her... SO MUCH... it was flaming, flames, FLAMES... on the side of my face... heaving breaths, heaving...”

Except…ya know…him.

He’s hitting me hard again. I thought I was on the upside of the swing but turns out it was just a fluke. This sucks hard core.

I spent almost all of my long weekend (such a blessing that I got Monday off of work, cause I wouldn’t have been able to work in the state I was in) either being incredibly depressed and crying for no reason, or sleeping. I’m having trouble sleeping again and when I do sleep I’m having vivid weird dreams again.

Then making everything worse is the fact that Roth and I had a weird weekend. We had a great date on Friday that was simply put wonderful. But then on Saturday aka Valentine’s Day I got literally no communication from him whatsoever. This is after he told me on Friday to expect a call from him. I didn’t wind up hearing a peep from him until Monday night.

Now here’s the thing – I don’t care a bit about Valentine’s Day. The most I care about it is if I’m with someone I would like them to wish me a Happy V-Day. That’s it. If they insist on getting me something make it small and meaningful. Otherwise I don’t give a shit. But when the guy I definitely have feeling for that I’ve been seeing for two months doesn’t even shoot me a quick text saying hi…that gets to me.

That lack of communication combined with Crazy being a jerk ball made for a witch’s brew of badness. So when I finally did talk to Roth on Monday I wasn’t able to keep it in. I calmly but nonetheless let him know that I was hurt. And then I proceed to let him know that I’m at a point that I have real feelings for him and I need to know what we are.

We wound up agreeing that we’re still just seeing each other and nothing hugely serious. I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he said no so I felt that it was the right time to let him know that I’m not either. We aren’t going to move to the next stage yet (as tacky as that phrase is) cause neither of us is there yet. But we both have feelings for the other one, and we’re on the same page now. He knows that I don’t want anything to change and he definitely seems happy about that.

So it was a good talk. And it definitely took the edge off the wanting to cry all the time thing…although I still want to. Cause of Crazy. But I’m super paranoid that now that he’s had time to think he’s going to turn around and change his mind. I’m worried I scared him off. Obviously I hope I didn’t, but one never knows.

Ugh…I’m worried guys. And sad. Very, very sad.

Fuck you Crazy.

Epic Nerd Win!

2009-02-09T14:17:00.002-05:00

This weekend was a freaking Nerdfest for me, Party People. I might as well have put on horn-rimmed glasses with tape around the bridge. And then I could’ve sniffed as I pushed them up my acne-riddled face with one hand, as I brushed back my greasy bowl-cut with the other. And then I would compare random statements about traffic to the multi-verse theory and laugh loudly and haltingly while everyone else looks confused.

*Cough*

The cool thing is it covered so many ends of my nerdiness. It was so gratifying on a very complete level.

Every nerd aspect of my personality was satisfied:

Movie Nerd – I saw a few movies this weekend: ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ with Neat, ‘Taken’ with Roth, and ‘Clue’ at a cult film series showing that included actors, audience cat calling, and other fun goodies. So my film tummy got filled up a bit. It was scrumptious.

Health Nerd – I went and had an amazing workout that left me sore for days, and at one point invested in some fitness equipment of my own to keep at home for the days that I don’t want to go to the gym, but I also don’t want to commit a full hour to working out at home. Now I can pound out twenty minutes for my core and arms once or twice a week. Oh! And I’ve lost enough girth that I only have one pair of jeans that fit right. Hooray! So i had to go shopping this weekend, and I got a cut of jeans that I honestly never thought I could fit in. Freaking awesome.

Junk Food Nerd – I had two burgers this weekend, tons of fries, and movie-theatre popcorn. It was so delicious. Haven’t been that bad in months and it was sweet to feel free to take a moment to do so. Cause I’m healthy enough that the occasional splurge is not so big. Sweetness.

Girl Nerd – I had an amazing time with Roth when I saw him. He was sweet, complimentary, and charming. Oh! And when we went dancing he spent a chunk of time going over to a woman around 65 years old that he knows and dancing with her. The full story behind that is so freaking sweet that it totally made my heart swoon a bit. He’s great, y’all.

Graphic Novel Nerd – C gave me his copy of Neil Gaiman’s “Endless Nights” to borrow. It’s one of the few books associated with the ‘Sandman’ series that I haven’t read yet. I’ve already devoured a whole bunch of it. Can’t wait to finish.

Reality TV Nerd – Got to watch a few back episodes of “America’s Next Top Model”. I don’t care what anyone says, that show is FIIIIEEEERCE!

So it was a really great weekend. I had fun, I was athletic, and I got to feel uber girlie. That makes for All-Around Greatness in my book.

But the best thing of all is that I was able to dig out of the low I was in a bit. I’m still verging on not doing great, but at least I’m only at the precipice at this point. I’m no longer sinking into the muck. So in general I’m a (relatively) happy Kendragon. Good times!

Getting the wheels to turn just might help them stop

2009-02-06T16:56:00.005-05:00

Slowly but surely feeling a bit better, guys. And once again, it’s cause of intellectualness, so that’s pretty cool.

Actually it’s cause of Stephen Colbert. And RadioLab.

Last night Colbert had Jonah Lehrer on. Now here’s the thing….I love Jonah Leher. He’s nerdy hot and wicked smart. The things I would do to him. Mmmm.

This isn’t the first encounter I’ve had with Lehrer. He’s been on my favorite NPR show RadioLab many times, and every time I find him incredibly interesting. But the experience we had last night was powerful. Earth shaking. I think I saw God!

On last night’s Report he discussed the process of how we make decisions. It wasn’t really funny like most of Colbert’s interviews are, but I still dug the whole thing.

The point that Lehrer hit that I found most interesting was the idea that the decision making processing is impacted by both our logical and emotional sides. At times one may be of more influence then the other, and when we find that happening we should practice meta-cognition (AKA thinking about how we think).

How freaking essential is this for me? I mean, when I’m having these nutty periods where my cooky emotional side is outta control, doesn’t it make sense to force myself to sit back and analyze my thought process? How helpful is that?

During weeks like the last one I’ve had, I simply need to identify the issue, sit back, and think, “Okay, is this Crazy talking to me again? Or is this truly a rational notion that I’m acting on?”

It may be easier said then done in the future, but when I’ve tried doing that today it’s helped so much. And that’s only been with small scale things. It bodes well for me, and is a sign that I am able to actively improve myself.

I’m thinking this is a great thing to keep in the front of my mind, Party People. Hooray for gradual healing!

Crazy's back so its sad. But there's onomatopoeias so it's fun!

2009-02-02T10:44:00.006-05:00

This sucks. I’m full-on back in Crazy’s realm Party People. I can’t even try to be cute about it.

I’m back to having trouble sleeping, I’m constantly trying in vain to keep myself focused for long enough to do my job or engage in real conversations. I’m pretty much incapable of having a positive thought about myself…which is super fun!

All I want to do is curl up in bed and not move for days. Nothing feels so useless as having that feeling.

This is the hardest that Crazy has hit me for a long time. He’s decided that he needs to get my attention by trying to deliver a knockout punch. Cause he’s a jerk.

The absolute worst part about this is that I feel like I desperately need to hide it. From coworkers, from my family, and most definitely from Roth. And I’m not used to that. With my family and coworkers I’ve never wanted them to know, so I guess that part’s not strange at all. But before when I got these bouts and I was with someone I would just talk to him about it. C had the same problem so he could help me through it with understanding. Ted was confused by it but always wanted in so I readily let him.

But Roth…ah I KNOW he can’t handle it. He got a slight glimpse once and the result was me not talking to him for three months. And I don’t want that to happen again.

He got a wee bit of it when I couldn’t help but send him a text inquiring if he was pissed at me. And of course he wasn’t. Cause it was paranoid and Crazy’s influence. And his response was pretty much that I need to not be paranoid when it comes to him. And I know logically that that’s right. If he didn’t dig me or was mad at me he would let me know. He’s very blunt in general.

But I can’t help myself. Crazy’s fucking pounding me down and whispering in my ear at the same time.

SMASH! You’re not good enough…never were, never will be. POW! You’re gonna die alone. Better get used to the idea. BAM! Just give in to the sadness. Might as well…no use fighting. ZOWWIE!

Zowwie? Anyway…

I’m trying so hard to not read into his actions. But because of Crazy I’m over-analyzing every action (or more likely lack thereof) that Roth takes and convincing myself that he simply can’t wait to get rid of me.

No, no Kendragon, ignore the probably-more-likely state of affairs that he’s comfortable with me now and we’re just finding a way to communicate after the giggly, can’t-stop-thinking-of-the-other phase is over. Nope. He hates you and is just bidding his time till he breaks your heart again.

And I don’t just think like this over Roth. I’m like this with everything lately. Work, friends, hobbies…all of these things seem utterly awful. Roth is just a easy example.

Oh…and heart wrenching. Don’t forget heart wrenching.

So that’s what I’m thinking lately. But…ya know…trying to hide it.

All I have ever really wanted for my life is to be happy. Happy and to have a family and to have enough money to be comfortable. But above all else the happy. So why the hell can’t Crazy let me have that? Why do I let him in?

Sigh…I don’t know. But I think I might need to start seeing someone of the doctor variety again. And I don’t really want to spend that money. And I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it besides my Party People. But I also don’t want to feel this way.

I just want to be happy.

This is for the fellas! ...in that it's not for the girls.

2009-01-30T14:12:00.001-05:00

I’ve probably been driving my fella oriented Party People crazy lately. Assuming I still have any. I may have driven them all away what with the non-stop Roth talk.

Hello? Guys? Still there?

So instead let’s chat a bit about how much I hate not being great at my job. Sounds like fun for everyone, right?

It’s been really irking me, y’all. I grew up never having to work that hard to be good at what I’m passionate about. That’s not to say that I haven’t had to labor to be skilled at something. I have. And I pride myself on it. But I’ve never had to rely purely on that which I’ve learned to be mediocre at something. I usually have some amount of natural skill to throw into the mix.

But when it comes to sales….well I ain’t got any.

I am so not a natural sales person. I have the gift of gab, yes. That’s a big plus. But I do not at all have the inborn ability to convince someone that they need something. Frankly, I’m too understanding. You don’t have the money right now? Okay, I’ll call you back later. Not interested in my product? Fine, you have every right not to be. Going to try to screw me over? Cool, need me to take a particular position?

On paper I know the proper responses to these road blocks. Cause I’m a good student. But in real world practice I slam on my brakes every time.

And I hate it guys. I hate not feeling like I’m good at my job. Mostly cause I have never felt this way before. And yes, I occasionally have my moments where I think I might be figuring this thing out a bit more. But then the next day comes and I realize that I just had a fluke moment. Arg….frustrating!

What makes it even worse is all I can think of is how good I would be at an administrative position. Any admin position. Any where. It’s so my comfort zone and where I am truly confident. And I had that position. Before I got pushed into this one. Back in the good ole days. Sigh.

So what to do about it? Sadly, I don’t think I have any real solution. I think I’m just going to have to keep doing what I’ve been doing in hopes that it will work to my favor some day. Cause I want to be good at my job. I want to be freaking great at it, actually. But sadly I think it’s gonna take a shit ton of work to get there.

It's a cough oww sneeze Update

2009-01-28T18:08:00.008-05:00

So I've been sick for a few days. Like uber sick. But I'm not too upset about it. Rather I'm happy that I haven't gotten sick up until now. Usually when we hit cold and flu season I'm repeatedly out of commission. But I think all the working out and eating better has helped keep me healthy up until now.

So that's cool.

The only bummer about this is that I might not be well enough to see Roth this weekend. And that would make Kendragon very sad. Cause he's swell.

Oh, and I decided to definitely make myself exclusive to him. Again, I think it's an ideal choice for me. I'm wicked nervous about whether it's setting myself up for disappointment or worse. But he's such a great guy that I really want to be with. So I need to trust my gut.

And a couple things he said to me last time we got together makes me think that he's feeling at least close to the same way. Like when I told him that I really hate when I interrupt him (I never mean to...it's just a bad habit) he told me that it's not a big deal, and that it's gone from something that annoys him to something he finds charming. Not sure what exactly is charming about it and I'm sure as hell gonna keep working on it, but the fact that he's choosing to see one of my flaws positively is amazing to me.

He also told me about this night he spent with his guys. They went on a party bus to a couple clubs apparently. He didn't really have a good story about it. Rather he told me about it to let me know that while he was there he kept thinking about how he should have asked me to go along. Guys, I didn't remotely indicate that I wanted to go (totally would've), but apparently he wanted me there badly enough to think it. Very small gesture, but it does make me think that I'm not all alone in this being-in-to-each-other thing.

And that reminds me that in general whenever he's out and I'm not there, he usually makes a point of texting me or calling me to see what I'm up to, how I'm doing. It's the idea that he's thinking of me enough to reach out even while with big crowds of other people...that simply thrills me.

So basically I'm happy Party People. And I'm sick. Ideally only the latter will go away soon.

A change ahead for the Kendragon...maybe.

2009-01-22T10:41:00.004-05:00

Here's the dealo yo. I've made a decision. Not sure if it's the right one yet. If any of you Party People out there have any guidance, please feel free to share.

Okay … I decided that even without talking to Roth and with no intentions to do so, I'm going to start making myself exclusive to him.

Ughhhh... and I'm nervous about it!

Here's why I wanna do it:

I really am thrilled that I'm seeing him again. All my crazy flair ups and his making big mistakes aside, he is by far the best guy I've ever dated. He's kind and caring, independent and confident, genuine and unique, romantic and charming, witty and engaging. Roth is pretty much amazing. More or less.

On the other end of the spectrum, I've only dated horridly bad guys besides Roth for the longest time now. There was one nice guy right before Roth came into the picture the first time around, but besides that I've had freaks and assholes.

For example, I saw a guy last week who was a huge pothead. Now I'm not a prude about the pot. I have no real problem with it at all in fact. What I do have a problem with is my date leaving me in a parking lot waiting for him to meet me for an hour and fifteen minutes (kept texting me saying 'five more minutes'…that's the only reason I stayed), then took me to a house party without me knowing that's where we were going, and proceed to disappear for two hours while he went to get high with his friends. Now his other friends were great and I had fun, but the entire time all I could think was, "Wow … Roth is amazing. Why am I wasting my time here with him?"

Hence the decision. I have a good guy in my life. A really good guy. And although I've been enjoying seeing other people to both take the pressure off dating Roth (by pressure, I mean making myself crazy with unreasonable questions) and figure out what I want from a significant other, I think if I want anything real to even potentially happen with him, I need to take this step. For me.

Here's why I don't wanna talk to him about this:

I scared the puppy once. Inadvertently yes, but nonetheless I did. And he ran away. It took three months to get back to a place where I wasn't hurt and he wasn't freaked out anymore. If I tell him, "Hey Roth. I know you always used to tell me that you want to keep things going slow when we first dated, but now that we're going for another round I want you to be something more much faster. Sounds good, right? Great!", we're gonna get another yelping flee from me. And I don't want that.

On top of that, this is a decision for myself more than anything else. This is for my own comfort and need to express some form of commitment to a man I truly relish having back in my life.

Here's why I'm very nervous about this decision:

What if this is a retarded move? What if he freaks out again for no reason? What if he hurts me again, and this time after I've invested some real emotion in it? What if I pass up a potentially great guy for someone I have no actual ties to? What if this is inherently setting myself up for additional heartbreak?

Sigh...I don't know. But after taking a couple days to think about it, I think it's the right move.

Also, last night he made a point of telling me how happy he is that I'm in his life again, and apologizing for little things. Like not calling me every night (had to reiterate to him that that isn't vitally important...but him saying the words was awesome) and the fact that I couldn't see him last week cause he got sick (which he's apologized for tons of times already, and this time it was amid him apologizing for clearing his throat. he's so adorable I can't stand it!).

Moves like that make me think that maybe, just maybe, he cares about me fairly deeply too. And I keep coming back to the notion that this dude fought for me. He came back after me screaming at him two times. There's no way in hell that he doesn't have some form of real emotion for me if he didn't give up after my full bitchitude came down on him.

So...to wrap up this lengthy diatribe...what do you all think? Good move? Too Soon? Silly? Full on stupid? Let me know!

Feeling better through existential ramblings

2009-01-15T17:43:00.004-05:00

So here are two things that have made me feel better. One is basic. One, me thinks, is trippy.

Okay the quick one – got hit on by my waiter at lunch. When Roth is stonewalling me and I don’t know why, this is a great way to take the significance off the silence.

Now the trippy weirdness.

I’ve been listening to back episodes of RadioLab at work lately. Today I’m listening to an episode about Time that discusses the concept that time is not linear, but rather that every moment of my life, your life, and indeed all lives that have or will exist occur simultaneously.

Dudes, I love this.

It makes me call back to two of my favorite concepts of time and fate by two of my favorite fiction authors.

The first is from Kurt Vonnegut. Tralfamadorians guys. Nuff said. Right? No? Okay quick break down. Tralfamadorians believed in this very concept. They were aliens that were featured in several novels of Vonegut’s, but they spoke to the main character of ‘Slaughterhouse Five’. Here they told him about how they know and see all that was, is, and will be. And they found this comforting. In response to death they simply state, “so it goes.”, because they know that in reality the being hasn’t ceased to exist since he continues in all the moments that made up his life.

I adore the concept. Seeing the insignificance of the artificial importance we put on things takes so much of the pressure of existence off my shoulders, and makes me feel like maybe I’m not ruining my life. Maybe this is just what my life is meant to be, and something that I can’t and therefore shouldn’t fight.

The second is from Neil Gaiman. In the ninth book of the ‘Sandman’ series called ‘The Kindly Ones’ the oldest of the Endless named Destiny wonders around his garden. He soon sees several versions of himself walking down many paths. One by one, as events unfold that will determine the fate of a vitally important character, the multitude of Destiny’s join until they finally walk one singular path.

I find this to be the most eloquent manifestation of my notion of fate and freewill ever created. By far. See, I’m a fate-ist. I believe that our paths are determined and we’re walking them. But I also think that we have enough free will to determine how we will get there. For instance, I was destined to work my current job. I have no doubt of this. But the timing and circumstances that led to it were my choice alone. I think the image and idea of Destiny dividing only to rejoin illustrates this fluidly and beautifully. Whether that was what Gaiman meant by it or not I’m not 100% positive, but I would like to think it is.

Anywhosel. I find this all very good for putting things into perspective. On a day like today where I’m unable to get outside of my head over something silly like the Roth paranoia, feeling like this too is part of the plan and nothing that I can distinctly control is oddly comforting. I don’t feel like I’m going to fuck it up. I don’t wonder about what I did wrong in crazy hypothetical land nearly as often. I simply feel better.

So thank you random philosophical concept in a radio show! Thank you for making me feel less crazy by talking about nutty weirdness!

Oh…and Roth called. We’re good. I was being crazy and I realized it without having to let on to him that I had been going nutballs. Hooray!

He's not losing...he's getting MAD.

2009-01-14T21:53:00.004-05:00

Can't keep Crazy down apparently. He's super tough. He'll rise again.

So here's a quick glimpse in to my nutty, nutty thoughts. If you think this is irksome or strange, just imaging living it peeps.

All I can think about right now is that I'm over-bearing. I'm worried that I reach out to Roth too much and that it's driving him away. I text and call cause I love talking to him (totally cheers me up on bad days, and makes good ones better), but he doesn't really respond much lately.

Probably he's just been busy. Probably I'm being retarded again. Probably I'm freaking myself out for no reason whatsoever. Ugh...but I can't shut the thought out.

I hate hate hate over-bearing chicks. The ones that can't let someone lead their separate life without sticking their nose in it. The ones that debase themselves by begging for attention. The idea that I'm being that is killing me.

What I really can't figure out, though, is am I upset that I'm feeling this way cause Crazy (I'm making him formal now Party People. And I've decided Crazy's a dude) is messing with me again, or am I afraid that once again Roth has decided that he doesn't want to be with me, and it's manifesting in this paranoia?

What if I've made a huge mistake? What if everyone's been right to warn me about starting up with him again? What if this is just stupid remnants of feeling rejected throughout my life til now creeping up at me? What if I'm totally wrong about this and I'm just setting myself up to sabotage a good thing?

Cause we all know how much Crazy loves to make me do that.

Or perhaps it's a bit of all the questions. And that's what sucks right now.

Stupid Crazy. Just stay down, will ya? Please?

Girliest post ever, ever

2009-01-12T10:59:00.003-05:00

Two things made me wicked happy this weekend. And by that I mean totally blushing and smiling like a moron, feeling more girlie then I have in a while. Both happen to be either directly or by proxy because of Roth. So fellas…proceed with caution. I’m gonna become uber feminine.

1) I got together with Roth this weekend and while we were walking to dinner, he told me that he had been meaning to say something to me. He wanted to let me know that he thought I should teach something - a class on how to be feminine in the modern world. He elaborated and told me that not only do I conduct myself like a lady and look amazing every time he sees me, but I also am confident in my femininity, and he thinks other chicks would benefit from me showing them how to be that way.

I freaking love that guys. I went from being an insecure quasi-tomboy in high school to apparently being a girl that should educate others on how to be a woman in 2009. This is such a 180 from where I once was. I’m so happy about it. So…awesome.

I could have tackled him right there, while walking in the snow, and smooched him all over for not only thinking that, but telling me it.

2) So on the way to dinner, Roth and I ran into a couple of his friends (he has great friends FYI). They invited us to hang out after dinner, which Roth insisted upon still going to. Which I adored. After we ate we met up with them for a birthday party. Everyone was chatting and getting along well. I decided that I would go over to the birthday girl’s side of the table to get to know her a little better (ya know…it was her birthday…should be about her). While we were talking she asked what was going on with Roth. I shrugged and said he was my questions mark since I wasn’t quite sure what we are right now.

About the time I said this, I noticed that Roth and one of his chick friends were clearly talking about me. You know, eyes darting from each other to me repeatedly, talking in a hushed manner. It didn’t bother me at all, until I noticed the chick gasp and cover her mouth. I couldn’t tell if it was a bad thing or not, so I more-or-less demanded to know what they were talking about.

Roth quickly said, “Nothing” and walked away. So it was clearly something. The chick leaned over and said, “We were talking about how Roth likes you, and more or less out of no where he said that you had the prettiest eyes he’s ever seen.”

Freaking awww!

The birthday girl then leaned in toward me and said the awesome quote, “Your question mark is an exclamation point!”.

Could have knocked me over with a feather guys. Ne’re has a guy been that sweet to me for absolutely no reason, much less twice in one evening.

I’m real happy with the way things are going with Roth, Party People. I’m still being cautious and I’m trying really hard to not read too much in to anything, either good or bad. But dudes…this is the kind of stuff that makes me giddy and silly. And I love it.

BANNED!

2009-01-05T21:24:00.007-05:00

I'm trying something out. Or at least I will starting...nowish. I'm banning myself from things for a little bit.

By this I mean not allow myself to do the things that lead to pessimism and inevitably depression for me. If it's bad for my psyche ... BANNED.

Example: I'm watching Intervention right now and feel like I'm gonna cry. There's this dude in it who was stood up at a restaurant alone, and all I can think is how if that happened to me I would sob endlessly. It takes me back to high school and my whole rejection thing. That's no good for me. So why am I still watching it? I need to turn it off, and not watch this show for awhile. BANNED.

Another example: Roth (things are going pretty peachy by the by) has a blog. I check it fairly regularly to see what he's talking about in it. Topics cover various things but usually focus on rock music and motivational bits. Occasionally he writes about chicks he dated at one point or another.

Now, I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is things that he says from time to time in regards to the topic. Like in one of his recent posts where he reviews his 08, he states that the quantity of chicks he's dated in the past year had increased, but the quality went down. So he's trying to focus on finding better girls to date in 09.

Hmm. Now before I say anything else I just realized that I probably should find this comforting since he's the one who reached out to me again about a month ago (aka very close to 09), and that we've had a great date already this year. But...I don't know it just kind got to me. I mean dude...we dated for a couple months in 08. All I keep thinking is, 'Ouch.'

Now when I talk to him next I'm gonna have a hard time not being upset. Not because he at all insulted me (he's never talked about me in the blog at all), but because I am choosing to take it personally. I need to stop doing things like this. It only will lead to my upsetting myself, which will only lead to low periods. So... I need to cut out the catalyst. No checking his blog anymore. BANNED.

Last example ... for now: I compare myself to my co-workers way too much. This is a huge problem for me. Since I am by far my own worst critic, I need to keep myself positive. But since I'm still having a hard time completely wrapping my mind around this whole sales thing and I'm the newest to it, it's simply retarded to allow myself to weigh my performance to theirs. I won't match up to their achievements. Not yet at least. No good will come from me using their actions to evaluate my own. So the comparisons must somehow be BANNED.

Just not too sure how I'm gonna do that last one. Such a tempting thing to do, to weigh yourself against those close to you. But I have to figure out a way to block it out. Hmmm...

I think this will be nothing but helpful for me. It totally goes along with my whole not-wanting-to-give-into-negativity thing. Positive action this year, peeps. Positive.

Last post of the year mutha effas!

2008-12-30T17:29:00.005-05:00

I don’t normally do the whole New Year’s Resolution thing. I usually find it self-indulgently narcissistic. Resolutions rarely are achievable things because people haven’t figured out the vital aspect of how they will do them, and I find they often are reflecting one’s most base negative opinion of his or her self. Here’s how I imagine resolutions going for most people. Keep in mind, this is a huge generalization. Ahem.

“I think I’m fat so I’m going to resolve to lose weight. I don’t make a real plan so I go to the gym a few times and eat better for a week or so. But then life hits me, I get depressed, and start comfort eating. Then I lose free time so I don’t go to the gym a few days in a row. Next thing I know it’s October and I haven’t lost a pound. I feel bad about myself, and have only succeeded in confirming that I am indeed as fat as I thought I was. I wallow in my negative view of myself as I gain even more weight so that I have another ten pounds on me when I make the same resolution next year.”

See – negative self-fulfilling prophesy disguised as self-help. Ew.

But I’m thinking that I might venture into this territory this year.

Here’s why:

I really like how my attitude has changed these past couple months. I’ve become a lot more positive, healthy, and (I hope) pleasant. I think it’s because I’ve been consciously trying to alter my body and mind. I’ve been planning how I will do these things and, here’s the tricky part, I’ve actually taken the necessary steps! Shocking!

So in the spirit of this success I’m going to continue to actively improve myself in 2009. And I want to put it down in writing so I can keep myself accountable (see, planning!) I figure the timing is very, very apropos, so resolutions is what I’m calling these bad boys.

This is how it’s going to go down.

This year I will:

Continue to work out, but step up my game a bit. I will not only use my trainer, but I will also take what I learn from him and more actively apply it to my routine.

Eat much better. Yes, I will continue to allow myself my little cravings when they pop up (life’s too short not to), but when I only want something cause it looks yummy aka bad for me I’m gonna say no. Healthy snacks ahoy!

Get into an apartment of my own by the end of 2009. So it has been spoken, so it will be.

Be much more responsible about my money. Nuff Said.

Find at least one more hobby and/or rediscover an old one (collages, I’m looking at you)

Start up my film blog again, and not allowing my time crunch to be a deterrent to do this. Mind over matter.

Continue to try to make myself a great sales person. I have the potential to be so, I know it. I just need to do it.

Find an outlet for my singing. A real one.

Get out to Chicago and St. Louis to visit the peeps I love and miss more often.

Be less worried about what people think of me. I will keep trying to simply be content in my self, and positive about the notion that I am a good person with a good heart.

So there are ten things, Party People (by the by…you guys are Party People now. Hope you dig it. I do.). Ten things that I think are very doable, in the line of what I’m already working towards for my life, and will only help me in my progress to becoming a better, happier Kendragon.

I encourage y’all to do something like this too. Making a list of self-improvement resolutions that are realistic, positive, and obtainable has been very satisfying. And is probably one of the best things I’ve done for myself in a bit.

There. Now I was helpful to myself and others. Hooray Kendragon!

Roth puts my streetness to the test

2008-12-29T13:50:00.007-05:00

So I visited the Ghetto this weekend. Yea…so not as fun as rap videos make it look. Shocking, I know.

Here’s what happened Party People.

I was supposed to be getting together with Roth (hooray!) for dinner and a movie on Saturday. But then I remembered that I had a shift to work for crappy job until 9. Boo. But ever awesome Roth was flexible, and we decided to go to this place near his house to see an awesome 80s cover band. Dancing, micro-brewery beer, overall joviality … good times.

Since I was coming from work in downtown Cleveland and going to Roth’s end of town, I asked him for directions. I mean yes, he’d gotten me incredibly lost one time before (I got halfway to Pennsylvania before I realized I was way lost), but this was his turf – surely he would get me there safe and quickly. Right?

Ummm…no.

He had me take a turn that led me in the wrong direction. And he told me that I would be on that road for “a while”. I assumed that meant a few minutes…turned out it only meant a mile. But I didn’t know that at the time, so I unknowingly went for around 15 minutes into a bad part of town.

Eventually I began to notice some worrying things. Like, “Hey..sure are a lot of abandoned building around here.” “Hmm…that looks like a hooker buying drugs from someone on a well lit corner.” And then I had the best realization. “Umm…that mass of young dudes with their shirts off are yelling at each other pretty hard core. Lots of violent pointing and … oh shit! That’s a gun! He just pulled a gun and I’m driving by! Holy shit balls!”

It was round about this time it hit me that I was, in fact, in the ghetto. And despite my vast amounts of streetness, I think my nearly-albino whiteness and new car was just not gonna scare aware these people. So I made a panicked call to Roth who very calmly got me back to the right end of town safely. He stayed on the phone with me nearly the entire time and gave me a huge hug when I finally saw him. I was still shaking and apparently very pale from being so freaked. He bought me a couple beers to both calm me down and make up for nearly getting me killed. Kinda made up for it. Kinda.

We had a great time and I met a few more of Roth’s friends (who are awesome and really super funny) which was sweet. It wound up being more-or-less a win.

But dudes…Google Maps or GPS. For now on.

I'm a simpleton! Goodie!

2008-12-24T11:22:00.004-05:00

I'm in a good mood. Have been for a bit now. Joy!

Might be because I've gone out with Roth a few times and it's been enjoyable. Perchance it could be because everyone's been real understanding about my decision to try something with him again even in the most vague of terms, save one person (who I think will eventually come around). Perhaps it's the fact that I've gotten all my Christmas shopping done. It may be due to my doing much better at work.

But I think the real reason is that I've realized that I find the most enjoyment in the strangest of places. And I've also discovered that I love this about myself.

Par example:

I adore watching songs play on my Windows Media Player while I'm at work. I can watch a song play for minutes at a time and become completely transfixed by it. My favorite setting – Plenoptic: Vox.

I love swinging. Love love love it! Everything about it - the physical effort, the window blowing my hair back and forth, the feeling like a little kid...awesome.

The crescendo in the middle of/at the end of "A Day In the Life" gives me chills every single time I hear it.

I giggle when I get something for free. Even if I don't really want it. And it's not just cause it's free. It's also because I like the idea that I have something that others don't. I can chose to keep it and enjoy, or give to someone else and be super nice. Either way I feel powerful. The power, Lucky Readers. The POWER!

I get true enjoyment from giving to others. This last weekend I received fifty yard line tickets to see the Browns play. Roth had a really bad week and had told me that he was going to be tailgating with friends on Sunday, and was hoping to get tickets. I decided to be nice and offer them to him and a friend. He got extremely excited and I know he and his friend really appreciated it. I felt good about myself, I didn't have to go to a football game in the freezing cold (read as single digit temps), and I made someone I care about feel very good. The act of giving was fantastic.

I love office supplies. Hear me? Love em! They keep me organized and that is my favorite thing to be. Hooray for tidy living!

I still have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy. I love ending statements with "That's what she said!", and one of my favorite past times with Awesome Former Roomie was to sit on the couch across from each other taking turns saying really serious hypothetical statements like, "Julie, this just isn't working. I found someone else. I'm leaving with her, and I want the kids." and following them with prolonged, quiet fart noises (made by our mouth...we're not disgusting!). Still makes me giggle to even think about it.

So yea, Lucky Readers - I'm simple. And I love this about myself. A hearty huzzah for me!

Sporadic bits that make me happy lately, and update on the controversial decision

2008-12-17T11:57:00.004-05:00

My trainer at the gym told me that I was “petite and feminine” yesterday. I laughed at the petite part, but he explained that I’m super girlie because I always have painted fingernails, I have long blond hair that I don’t tie back too tightly when I work out, I have cute little workout outfits, and when he pushes me to do something that hurts I say ‘Owwie!’ in a high pitched squeak. I take an inordinate amount of joy in this.

Speaking of working out…ummm…I’m getting pretty hot. I’m getting very toned, and I’m beginning to lose some girth (finally), to the extent that I’m currently rocking some pants I bought my freshman year of college aka the last time I actually liked how my body looks. And my arms are looking less and less Polish everyday (read Polish arms as weak in the tricep area and frankly flab flabbity flabby!). I’m working on getting full on guns. But girlie guns. Like derringers.

I got a new calendar yesterday to put up at work. It’s vintage travel posters from roundabouts the 1920s, aka my favorite era for just about everything. I spent all morning going through and writing in birthdays and anniversaries and plans that I already have for the new year. I very nerdily enjoyed doing that. I even giggled when I highlighted my sister’s anniversary. Nerd = me!

I now have the LOVE Beatles CD and I adore listening to it at work. The music is amazing and the compilation of songs includes all my favorites. I’ve become re-obsessed with ‘Something’, and I’ve decided that along with ‘God Only Knows’ it will be played at my wedding. And if my future fiancée doesn’t like it…well we might have some problems. So Awesome Roomie…you’re gonna have to deal.

Mostly, though, I’m happy about how the date with Roth went. Here’s how it went down:

He wanted us to go to the same place we went for our first date, which I know was his attempt at ‘Let’s start over’ without being so corny as to say the words. We were both a bit nervous at first, but it became very comfortable pretty quickly on. We joked a lot like we used to, we updated each other on our lives, and upon his request we talked about what happened. It was oddly very nice to get everything out in the open and to be very blunt with each other. At one point he asked me if any friends were against the idea of us getting together, and I very bluntly told him yes, everyone was. “You hurt me and they don’t want to see my upset again. But they love me and want me to be happy so they are supporting me, even if it’s reluctantly.”

Dudes, his response reminded me of why I liked him in the first place. He nodded his head, said he understood, thanked me for being honest, than smiled as he gave me a quick hug. He didn’t get upset, he didn’t try to argue. He simply took my honesty in stride, understood the whys of the situation, clearly filed it away as knowledge to have in the future, and we moved on. He responded like an adult, and I enjoy that so much about it; he’s mature and respectful…more or less.

Oh, and at one point I asked, “So Why now? Why are you reaching out to me now?” He looked me in the eye, paused a moment, then said, “Kendragon, I never didn’t not want to reach out to you. I knew I had made a mistake almost immediately after I broke up with you, but I knew I hurt you and shouldn’t call. I hoped it would only be a matter of time for you to be okay with talking to me, and I’m really happy that that is what’s happened.” He then reminded me that he tried to reach out a month ago and I responded pretty badly, so…ya know…touché. But dudes…perfect response, and all on his own. THIS is why I like this guy. It was such a pleasant evening, and I found myself just as excited when he touched my hand for the first time that night as I had been when he did so on our first date. Overall it was very familiar and nice, so it was what I hoped for.

I’m obviously gonna be very weary and keep my guard up for a super long time. For instance, he started talking at one point about making some plans for the next couple weeks. As much as I want to do that, I can’t. The most plan making I want to do with him is to the next time I see him. Anything else seems just too unstable to do. I didn’t tell him this, but knowing it for myself is what’s important.

But I can’t deny how good it felt to be with him. Nor do I want to.

So…I’m happy bout it. Hooray for me!

Good idea...maybe? Hopefully not bad...

2008-12-15T14:49:00.002-05:00

So I might be on the verge of a very big mistake. Or I might be on the verge of making myself super happy. I’m not sure what it’s gonna be yet.

I’m getting together with Roth tonight. You know, the guy who broke up with me cause he liked me too much. The one who tried to reach out to me about a month ago and I got very sassy with. The one I said I deserved better than.

Yea him. Well … (cough) … I’m giving him a second chance.

This might be a very bad idea. Very very bad. I know this. And it’s highly unusual for me. I’ve always been pretty much an exact Scorpio when it comes to personality profile. I’m very weary to trust once I’ve been scorned, and I don’t normally forget a wrong, even if I do forgive it. So when the guy who made me cry wants to start seeing me again I normally would castrate him for even daring to try to talk to me.

But that’s not happening in this case. I think it’s been because I’ve been missing him so much. And I don’t think it’s just cause of the time of year. I’ve been missing him since we broke up. And when I told him off for trying to contact me about a month ago I cried after wards. Not cause I was mad at him, but rather cause it wasn’t what I wanted to do. It was just what I knew was logical. He hurt me, ergo keep him far away. What I really wanted to do was guilt him then forgive him then kiss him. In that order.

I couldn’t do that at the time, though. Pride and still hurt feels are a bitch. But now…well I feel okay enough to admit that I still like him a lot. And I know I have to keep my guard up. But I want to see what happens.

Maybe I’m morbidly curious. Maybe I’m setting myself up for a lot of pain.

Or maybe it’ll be a really good call, and I’ll be thrilled I made the decision.

Sigh…we’ll find out.

A bit of both

2008-12-10T14:05:00.002-05:00

Oh my people. How can life be so crazy and so mundane simultaneously?

I’ve been running around busy-like the past week or so, and yet I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. Want proof? Here!

I’ve worked a whole bunch for both jobs, but I also feel as if I’ve accomplished little.

I’ve gone on three dates in the past week with three different fellas (one was amazing, the other two kinda meh {oh, and I heard ‘meh’ is now a word in the dictionary. I feel I’ve contributed to this.}), but I still feel like I’m a bit alone. Maybe cause they were all only first dates, but still.

I’ve ran about twenty errands, but I know I have so much more to do in the next couple months.

I’ve figured out what I want to get a whole mess of people for Christmas, but have yet to buy/order any of it.

I’ve worked out a couple times, but since I’ve been feeling less than 100% I haven’t gone too hard.

So basically I’m a whole mess of dichotomies. Hopefully things will level out a bit before the end of the year. I’m in this really positive place right now, and I’ve decided that I’m going to do everything in my power to make 2009 an amazing year, and I’m thinking not being all over the board will help this mightily.

An update who's cheeks you just wanna pinch!

2008-12-04T17:50:00.003-05:00

I know, I know, I know! I’m awful! I haven’t updated in a couple weeks. I’m a jerk.

But …umm…see I gots a good excuse.

Ummm…okay.

I was out of town…and I saw my sister, and my brother-in-law, and my nieces…and they were cute. And I ate lots of Turkey and Killer Corn…..and…ummmm…played board games. So…it’s not my fault. Kay?

Okay, I hope that come off like a five year old telling a story to their parent, and I hope you visualized a very tiny me standing with her chin very high up, hands alternating between clasped behind the back and motioning widely to illustrate points, and shifting my weight from foot-to-foot repeatedly. Oh! And pigtails! Adorable pigtails!

Yea, I went to St. Louis for Thanksgiving and saw my family and it was sweetttttt. Six days off work is always great. My nieces are too awesome for words. The adults taught the kids how to play Clue this weekend and it was hilarious how into it they got. The youngest didn’t quite grasp the concept properly and would keep moving past rooms and therefore not making guesses because she wanted to go to the Kitchen. This may lose something in translation to you Lucky Readers, but it cracked me up every time we played.

I love my family.

I’m getting along better with the Madre, which is great cause I’m pretty sure that I won’t be able to move out for a very long time at this point. Cause I’m poor. Joy. But hey…I guess I’ll live.

The only thing that uber sucks right now is that I’m really lonely again. Everyone here in Cleveland is going into hibernation mode so I’m doing very little these days. And my lack of a good guy in my life is really highlighted right now. But I stand by my new-ish guy mantra that I would rather be alone then with an asshole, so …hooray?

But I’m off now. Crazy stuff to do tonight. Regular updating will occur again peps. Kendragon still loves ya. Awesome.

Better...?

2008-11-20T17:22:00.005-05:00

So…we talked. My mom and I. And things are better. Enough that I’m not worried that she’s gonna throw my stuff onto the lawn one day and lock me out of the house. Paranoid fantasy yes, but it did occur to me several times.

Rather, we’re at a point where we have an understanding. I understand that she thinks I’m lazy and untrustworthy, and she understands that despite her stating several times that she didn’t mean it I don’t trust that she doesn’t really want me out of the house, so I’m still looking for a place to live.

The biggest bonus of this is that we’re not hating each other. But a very close second is that I now have the time to figure out a better way to move out than hurrying to look for the cheapest place I can find and eventually getting stabbed or something cause it would probably be in the ghetto.

Arg…family. How I loath and love thee.

Now what?

2008-11-17T09:56:00.003-05:00

It’s amazing how quickly family can crush everything you like about yourself.

My mother picked a fight with me this weekend. Literally. She admitted that she did. What it was about is fairly inconsequential so I won’t bother going into the details of that. What is important though is that in the course of this argument, my mother said some pretty harsh things to me. Called me a fatass after telling me that I spent too much time at the gym (enjoy wrapping your noggin around that one), told me I’m completely untrustworthy, and then proceeded to tell me that I’m ungrateful and essentially told me that I need to find a new place fast cause she doesn’t want me in her home anymore.

Wow.

Now I’ve wanted to move out of my house for awhile. I feel like such a loser living at home, and let’s face it I’m not the biggest fan of my step-dad. But the problem has been that despite my two jobs I truly don’t have the money to rent a place of my own. I know I could get a roommate, but I just really want to be on my own for awhile.

So what? Now I’m supposed to miraculously find a way to afford this? I reworked my budget this morning and even with me cutting everything back to the barest of bare minimums I’m about $400 a month short of having enough. If I can get some good commissions to come through I would be fine, but I hate the idea of essentially gambling on my living arrangement.

Essentially, this is the point I’m at right now: I have a place to live but know I’m not welcome anymore and although I doubt she’ll kick me out, I want to get out ASAP. How this is going to happen I haven’t the slightest clue of, and oh, let’s not forget that I know feel like shit about myself…and I’m apparently fat.

Thanks Mom…you’re the greatest.

Time to take stock...

2008-11-10T19:34:00.002-05:00

So today's my birthday y'all. Hooray! The Kendragon is now 24. And we all know what that means: time to look back at the last year of my life and determine how happy with it I am/where I am in life overall.

Ready to join me? Yes? Sweet.

I think I'm gonna do this in a plus/minus format. Why? I dunno...seems like as good a way as anything.

Alright.

I have a job. I may not love the job, but I do like it a hell of a lot...despite the fact that I'm not too good at this whole sales thing. Yet. But it pays me well enough so that I can enjoy my life without having to give up too much. So overall plus!

I have a super nice car that I love that I'm paying for all on my lonesome, so i feel like an adult every time I get into it. Ane I play amazing mix CDs in it and sign along with them which I truly enjoy despite my most sincere efforts to look like a mature person when i drive it. Plus!

I don't have/have no prospects for a boyfriend right now. And the only guys I've seen this past year have wound up being kinda crazy or I sabotaged. Hmmm...negative.

I have an amazing family and family-of-friends. This includes, but is not limited to Awesome Roomie, Neat, Awesome Roomie's Utah residing friend, my amazing coworker who I love, and C (I know I used to complain alot about him, but despite the bad things and hard times he still would take a bullet for me then beat up the person who tried to shoot me. I can't forget that, even if i wanted to). Huge, huge plus!

I'm getting back into shape. And I'm doing it responsibly with the help of a professional. Plus!

I'm still not fully in control of my crazy. I'm getting better with it, but I'm still a long way away from where I want to be with it. Perhaps you all disagree, but to me a minor negative.

And finally, I have pretty solid goals for myself despite my inability to achieve them right now (good paying job i love doing, my master's, enough money to be able to enjoy life without being needlessly frivolous, an amazing family of my own filled with people I love and trust), and I'm actively living my life while trying to achieve those ends as best I can. After the previous year of floundering, this to me, is the biggest success of all. Plus, plus, PLUS!

So Lucky Reader - lots more pluses then negatives. And I'm working on the negatives, so pretty cool. I don't know what you think, but I think the Kendragon is living her life well.

Here's to another year, with even more pluses added to the list!

Cheers!

OOHHH YEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

2008-10-27T16:43:00.002-04:00

So I think I drank the work Kool-Aid.

I totally didn't hate my nearly 10 hours of training on Friday, I actually took a whole bunch of work home this weekend and invested some money into making a very detailed binder of all the shows I sell (for quick reference when I'm on a call), I'm super pumped to move to our new office space because it means a new, more exciting place to work in, and I'm bummed that I had so many simple tasks to do today that I barely was able to get any calls in.

I think I might (gasp!) like my job again.

I know Lucky Readers, it blows my mind too. My apologies.

This whole thing has definitely been helped by getting a huge contract in last week (one I had labored on for over three months!) and that I got the "add of the month" today. It's a silly arbitrary honor, I know, but I'm sure proud anyway. And fifty extra bucks cause of it rocks too.

Also, I may not totally hate my second bad job as much anymore. The busy season has wound down and I'll only be working a few events for the rest of the winter. And since I've been there for about a year (holy shit balls, I've been there for about a year!) I now get to make requests for who I want to work with, so that rocks my socks off.

People...I'm enjoying my work situation. How sweet is that?

Now if only they paid me better...

In other news...said the broadcaster Kendragon...I love my new trainer. He actually called me this weekend to ask why I wasn't at the gym. Dudes, I love the hard-assness of this guy. It's what I need to kick my ass into gear. Today i totally don't feel like going, but I'm kinda scared to have him yell at me. So I'm gonna go. Ergo, he is the perfect trainer for me.

I reiterate...sweet.

The only thing I'm a bit bummed about right now is that so far I have no plans for Halloween...and I don't think I'm upset about it. This is the first year that I've been okay with the idea of doing nothing on my favorite holiday, and that's just lame. I feel like my childhood is all dead and stuff. And that's the pits, ladies and gentlemen. The pits.

But that's the worst thing going for me lately, and as I always say since that's the case I'm doing pretty well.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

2008-10-21T16:43:00.004-04:00

I've been very confrontational lately. And by lately I mean in the last twelve hours.

Let me tell ya about it.

First Roth called last night. We talked for about twenty minutes. To sum up, basically I let him know that treating me badly isn't going to be made okay by calling and acting like nothing happened. I laid down the notion that I'm not okay, nor will I soon be okay, with how he treated me. I flat out told him I'm awesome (really...I did!) and that if he's gonna break up with me cause he likes me (he laid that revelation down on me during the talk) then it's his loss. We left it with me apologizing for being a bit bitchy but him understanding why I was.

So I totally laid down the law, and was super strong.
Awesome!

And then there was lunch today. I kinda sorta maybe got into a confrontation with the mean girl in the office joined to ours.

Here's the background. Our building has multiple companies in it. We share a common break room with another one. And the receptionist over there is a biiitttcccchhhhh! Luckily we'll be moving to a new location soon and we won't have to worry about it anymore, but man for the next ten days I gotta deal with the catty Ms. Thing over there.

So we went on our lunch today and, I'm not gonna lie...the girls in the sales pit with me have been enjoying taunting her a bit. Please note we're doing so by simply existing and going into the shared room. But she's been an unnecessary bitch for months and it's fun for us.

In the midst of our lunch a bunch of guys from her office (whom we enjoy the company of) came to eat with us, and we were having a grand ole time when the bitch suddenly walks in, slams the door, and leaves in a huff. I guess because we were being too loud. Which we might of been. but that was so the passive-aggressive way of dealing with it.

Well...my girls and I aren't having that since all we did was enjoy our break.

So my one coworker opens the door again and we simply started saying that we would be sad to be so frustrated by life. Then Bitchy McBitcherson comes in and starts throwing her weight around about how we were talking about her and calling me a hyena.

Well I ain't taking that shit, especially from Lady Bitch of the Bitchenham region. So we had at it. Basically me telling her that she could've been an adult about the situation, and her just droning on. The best moment was when she said in response to my statement that she could have just told us we were being too loud. She yells at me, "well I don't LIKE talking to PEOPLE!"

Wow.

So anyway. Either I'm a bitch or I just happen to be in a rocking-the-confrontation mode right now. Either way...kinda hope its done. Cause this stuff makes my blood boil and that's no good. But tis done now. So glad I'm going to the gym tonight to work of this stress.

Update and...umm, WHAT?!?!

2008-10-20T11:10:00.003-04:00

Okay Lucky Readers ... interesting weekend.

Or maybe not interesting...maybe just fun for me.

Meh...I enjoyed it so me thinks you will too.

So I totally froze my ass off working for the radio station on Friday (three hours in 40 degree temps...not fun) and spent the rest of the night shivering...literally. And the zombie didn't pay me this time. Total bust y'all. Boo.

But then Saturday I worked out with Neat (oh we're getting along better now...hooray!). We took a class call Zumba... or maybe Zoomba...I dunno. But basically it's Latin dance, hip hop dance, and aerobics combined.

Oh my freaking word Lucky Readers...funniest class I ever took. I spent the first three dances trying so hard not to laugh at our instructor who is a straight looking black man who could move his hips like no other. Seriously...wow. I wound up having fun and I worked up a mighty good sweat so it was pretty awesome. But still...hilarious.

But I also had worked out with a new personal trainer on Thursday (the one who signed me up wound up being aggravating as shit and hit on me all the time via my cell which is so inappropriate, so I was glad when he traded me to a new guy). The dude is so much better but he also had me do an exercise that totally hurt my shoulder. So when I did the class it really aggravated it and made it hurt until...well this morning. Boo.

But I went to Ohio's wine area afterwards and enjoyed little shot sized samples of lots of yummy wine. The girls I went with were uber fun and when we got lost (which happened about every ten minutes on the country backwoods roads we were traveling on) we made more and more jokes about how that was how every horror movie starts. It was super fun and I really enjoyed myself.

Did very little on Sunday except for shopping with my mom (who I now hate for her size 2-ness). Which was fine with me since I woke up crying about my shoulder pain and couldn't do too much.

And then THIS happened.

I got a text. From Roth. Remember...the guy who more or less made me break up with myself 6 weeks ago after I didn't really do anything wrong? Yea...him.

"Hey stranger! How you been?"

Ummm...fine....what do you want?

"Oh nothing much. I've been thinking alot about you...mind if I shoot you a call later this week?"

WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?!?!??!

Why does this always happen? Why do guys dump me then start contacting me again? Is it cause they forget how 'horrible' I am? Is it because they realized they fucked up? Is it cause they only want me as a friend and feel like a month-to-six weeks is enough time for that? WHY!?!?!

It sucks even more cause I've really missed talking to him lately. I did find him wicked charming and nice, and I truly miss our random silly chats. Before he totally pussied out on me he was a great guy to spend time with. Actually one of the best I've met in a long while.

But oh yea...he totally pussied out on me and made me more or less break up with myself and pretty much threw me away after letting me confide alot of intense stuff to him that I didn't want to and after he told me that I was far too nice/complimentary/sweet for him. So...yea.

Not sure what I'm gonna do folks. But I know for sure that he hurt me. Bad. Or at least bad enough that I find this new development frustrating. I'm gonna let him call me...but I'm pretty sure it's gonna end in me telling him to take a hike and lose my number.

Cause I deserve so much better. So much.

Zombie run-ins and old-timey phrases

2008-10-14T11:24:00.003-04:00

So real quick Kendragon update:

I've been working alot lately which hasn't been too fantastic except for the fact that I worked a radio station event at a haunted house...and got paid by a zombie! Freaking made my life! Awesome Roomie I'm looking to you to help me celebrate this.

Hmm what else? Oh I'm trying to get my film blog up and running (greyfilm.blogspot.com) but it's slow going so far. With my crazy busy schedule I haven't been able to update too, too regularly, but I'm trying. People...berate me to keep it up-to-date. Perhaps verbal threats will be what I need to make sure I make enough time for it!

Oh the swamped existence I lead!

I've been working out more and trying to watch more movies so I can nourish my body and my film obsession properly. I adore Netflix people. ADORE it.

I've been knitting again, which can only mean one thing in the land of the Kendragon - it's gonna get cold soon and I'm getting ready for it. Dagnabit I hate the cold...grr.

Since nothing much interesting happened the last week I'll keep this post short. But I'm well and that's all that matters.

Joy!

Making my muscles stronger makes me say 'Ow!'

2008-10-07T13:46:00.003-04:00

Owwie. Owwwwwwwwwww. Dammit!

Stupid personal trainer.

Oh...I totally got a personal trainer last night. And he kicked me ass. Hardcore.

Now before anyone else starts to think that I'm, like, rolling in the in the dough...cause I'm not...know that I worked real hard to get this guy down in price. Dude, I poored him down to a fifth of the rate he wanted to charge me initially, and I figured out that if I cut my alcohol buying out of my weekend fun I can afford it. And save the empty calories. And not be the sad drunk girl.

So total win-win-win.

Sweet.

But still....OWWWWWWWW!

I can't stand up from a chair or sit down at my desk without having to psyche myself up for the pain. Last night, after I got done with the work out, I couldn't walk right, and I was literally unable to stand. Showering off I had to prop myself up against the wall. I got dressed on my knees for crying in the dark! Walking down the stairs to get food at my house I had to keep myself propped up against the hand rails.

Translation - this is going to be super good for me folks. I'm happy about my decision and looking forward to looking more foxy than I can currently fathom.

Now I'm just gonna go to stand up so I can jump up and down in celebration...

ouch! owwie owwie owwie! ugh!

sigh...

Picture me skipping like a little girl with pigtails would, then you'll be happy too!

2008-10-02T11:05:00.005-04:00

I just have to share this guys.

I'm super duper happy and productive today!

I've been having a great couple of days overall (besides the fact that I think I figured out why I've been feelign sick for like three weeks which kinda bummed me out for a few minutes before I realized that it means that I'll actually be able to FIX IT - then I was happy). Then today I woke up warm and cozy under my electric blanket since it's totally cold in Cleveland and I felt rested for the first time in forever and literally hopped out of bed and totally got pumped to come into work. Totally rare for this girl who usually doesn't start to move quickly until I get some food into me and I'm already on the road.

Now once I got to work it's not like I had super fun things to do that I was eager to accomplish since sales is literally the most repetitive thing ever, ever. But nonetheless I was still incredibly pumped to sit at my desk and start plugging away.

Dudes...I haven't felt this way for over five months now. Five Months! I don't have the slightest clue what started it, but I know I'm thrilled about it.

So I'm not gonna kill it with questions, and I'm not gonna over analyze it. I'm just gonna enjoy the random super productive happiness and ride it out for as long as I motherfucking can.

Cause I'm actively trying to improve my disposition and state of mind. And for me I think the biggest thing I can do to improve that is to get out of my head a bit more.

See, I have this coworker/friend that I love. She's amazing. But she lives in her head the same way I do, and I'm beginning to see how much it torments her. The minute I realized that, I realized that I need to stop doing the exact same thing.

Super insightful of me, huh?

So...hooray for my current mood, and even more so huzzah to simply enjoying it for once.

Now excuse me, I need to go skipping through fields of lilies and daffodils while simultaneously completing phone calls that will make me millions. Sure the conversations might be a little odd sounding what with the forced breathing that will be associated with the skipping, but if it's making me dollar dollar bills then I'm not gonna worry 'bout it.

Tra la la, la la, la la!

Someday they're gonna name a disease after me...I just know it.

2008-09-29T12:57:00.002-04:00

Do you know what the worst thing ever invented for me is? The internet. On a whim I can search anything I want. And I do. Readily.

But see, it's a dangerous thing to do so when you're kinda convinced that something bad has to be happening to you all the time. Cause then you take your random medical things and make it into much bigger deals.

Like i did last night.

I've been felling sick for about a week and I keep fluctuating between feeling normal and wanting to pass out. It's strange and I don't like it.

So I searched my symptoms last night - drowsiness, nausea, headache, etc. I wound up finding info about diabetes. Diabetes! Now I'm convinced that I have adult onset diabetes and that I'm gonna lose a foot. Fun.

Then this morning I started getting the same weird stomach problem I've been having off-and-on for about a year where i feel extremely nausea after i eat and get incredibly bad indigestion (which translates to PAINFUL burps for ten minutes straight. sounds funny but it really hurts). So I searched that. Now I find info about IBS and a couple other gastro diseases I've never heard of much less now how to pronounce. And I'm convinced I have those too.

I could go on like this people. I've convinced myself that I have herpes before because of canker sores (that was a fun week), which my doctor said probably came from stress (funny huh?), and I have a perpetual fear that a doctor is going to tell me that I have either breast cancer (runs in my family and i have large ladies...I think it's inevitable) or AIDS (totally irrational but I'm ALWAYS coming back to that in my head).

Why AIDS you ask? Because it's scary and incurable and I get sick frequently which is a symptom so of course my doomsday voice in my head tells me I must have it. Logical it is not, but nonetheless that's how my brain works.

So it's awful that I can look up my vague symptoms and find some link to a random crazy disease that I then worry about until my body stops being strange. And ironically its probably causing the additional amount of stress that lets my body get weak and ergo allows me to get sick. Stupid brain...

See, I need to stop letting this happen:

"Oh, I have a sore throat and itchy ears? I must have lupus! See! My random internet searching found one site on the fifth page of results that proves my theory so it's totally true!"

I'm batshit guys. And i need to not try to do self-diagnosis anymore cause it's making my paranoid...more so.

That or maybe it's the parasite I ingested through a tainted water supply that is making my thoughts all silly. Like, it must be eating at my brain and taking away all impulse control. Yea...that must be it! I'll prove it. To the internet!

...dammit.

Hedging My Bets

2008-09-24T21:16:00.005-04:00

I'm trying y'all. I'm trying to stay super positive and happy with myself. I'm trying to constantly remind myself of the good I bring into the world instead of listening to the mean little voice that tells me about how worthless I am. So please, indulge me in this.

Deep breath now.

I am the following:

intelligent
witty
insightful
caring
attentive
aware
proud
articulate
loving
gentle
strong

I have the following talents:

writing
musical (singing and my viola)
artistic
knowledgeable of pop trivia
skilled at artistic analysis

There. Now maybe on shitty days I can come refer back to this and remember the good things about me. And maybe it can keep me positive and happy and aware of all the good I do for others.

At least that's the plan.

Just trying to be proactive people.

Thanks!

Oh and the list of things I hate about me is soooooo much longer. I could go on and on people. But as a rockstar goddess I need to learn to turn the mean voice off. Just...ya know...

Click.

I think my body is Tahiti for viruses.

2008-09-23T17:50:00.005-04:00

Okay, this is gonna be sick person style update. Cause, ya know...cough.

Sniffle (brushes now permanently red nose with tissue that feels like bark from a dying tree)

Okay. Roth and I aren't seeing each other anymore. I'm bummed but really happy at the same time. Basically because I wound up taking the reigns and letting him know that I knew what he was thinking better than he did and I wasn't going to let him drag out the inevitable. I shall go into no more detail about the actual event, but basically I realized as much as I like him (and I did) and as cute as I thought he was (very) it didn't make up for the fact that I would have been alone in that, and I didn't want to waste anymore time feeling connected to someone who didn't feel the same thing.

I'm too cool for that. Even if my forehead says differently (puts thermometer in mouth, even though she's pretty sure it will heat up quickly and blow up cartoon style).

Er shhe ay... I lly adec....(takes thermometer out so that she can speak clearly)

(cough)

Sorry. What I was trying to say is...

Any way...I really appreciate the help people gave me during the Roth situation. It was amazing to see/hear so many people supporting me. Because even though I tend to forget it when I go low (again, so happy that didn't happen with this. I'm improving slowly but surely people) I do have some great people in my life who love me. So...thanks!

And besides the fact that i controlled my happiness for once, I'm also thrilled that I finally realized that I deserved better. i still don't know what the straw was that broke the camel's back, but I also don't think I care too much. Yes he was a good guy, but i think i was better. Even if only by a bit. I'm frankly a bit smarter than him, I know he found me attractive, he told me l was kind/generous to a fault many times, and I definitely brought all of myself to the table. So if he couldn't take that package of wonderfulness than his loss.

Someone some day will be happy to have me. Thrilled in fact. And I'll be happy as a clam and he'll love me and it will be the modern-day fairytale (cozy well-decorated house, lovely adventurous vacations, and either several lovely dogs or adorable, perfect, well-behaved children that never do anything wrong ever, ever) that I deserve.

And now I'm done talking about that. I'll move on (blows nose).

So besides that works been blah...very blah. Need to find a new one. Family is doing better...kinda. I still need to find some new hobbies but I'm working on it. Trying to stay on top of my health and fitness routine still.

Oh, and I've been SICK. AGAIN! Grrr...cursing...cough cough COUGH!

Dammit!

Believe or not, this is a positive realization. Honest.

2008-09-17T10:56:00.004-04:00

First and foremost I have to say this:

I have amazing friends.

Whether they are listening to me drone on for hours at work about how 'crappy' my life is, staying on the phone for over an hour with me in the middle of the night making me feel better, or calling me up to just give me a "phone hug" they are amazing and I love them.

Booya.

Okay, now I feel the need to share an insight I came to last night.

I think I am officially the neediest person in the world.

Ever.

What's weird though, I totally am not bummed about this realization. Cool huh?

See, I was kind of wallowing in my unhappiness (luckily not lowness...I'm pretty pleased that I seem to be avoiding that) last night. Bitching to people on the phone, rehashing events of the past few days over and over in my head, waking my mom up so that I could complain to her a bit more ... I was executing every form of non-productive, whiny, self-indulgence.

And then it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, these are the actions of a needy, silly girl.

At that moment I realized that it's totally true. I am needy. Wicked needy. I need people in my life, and I need them to care about me. And since I'm constantly convincing myself that everyone is going to leave me and I'll die alone, I always feel a need to reach out to them ... or wonder why they aren't calling ... or ask myself over and over again what I did to offend particular people even if it isn't remotely the case.

So I truly do need, NEED the people in my life. To help me deal with my problems. To make me feel accepted. To repeatedly reassure me that I am not as awful as I make myself out to be in my head.

Call me sad, but it's true. And I'm owning it.

Now while this might not be the most positive thing to realize about myself, I think its oddly helpful. Cause the epiphany might just help me check my behavior a little more. Maybe it'll make it easier for me to not freak out on people for absolutely no reason just because I can't get out of my head after a needy streak has been sparked (cough, Roth...cough). Perhaps I'll be able to see the tendency to go beyond asking my friends for help all the way to asking them to pretty much hold me up, and in doing so I can stop it. Ideally, I'll be able to see my neediness in the process of it occurring, and I'll be able to make a concerted effort to change my mind frame so that I don't do it anymore.

See, Lucky Readers, I CAN see myself for who I really am. And I CAN not let it upset me. And I CAN use my flaws as a catalysis to improve me being. It is possible!

I knew it was just a matter of time. Excelsior!

Urban Renewal (it's a pun ... get it?)

2008-09-15T10:34:00.003-04:00

I always find it fascinating how music touches me.

I'm not talking in the 'Oh that sounded beautiful!' sense, or the 'Damn they can play!' sense. Although those are important, that's not what's on my mind.

No, no. I mean in the sense of 'Huh, it's fitting that that song just popped on the radio,' fittingness. It's like some unseen hand likes to turn the dial to tunes that mesh perfectly with the events of my life.

And it's creepy.

With all the not-so-perfect stuff happening with Roth (boo...wicked boo) I've been kinda bumming the past few days. Not so much that I'm getting low over it, but enough to make me not want to do much and sleep alot.

But doing nothing isn't an option on Monday mornings, so when I went to head off to work and got into my car this morning I was already kinda down in the mouth about what my day was gonna hold. Then, before I got my iPod plugged into my radio (favorite feature of the new car, by the by) the country tune "You'll Think of Me" by Keith Urban popped on.

Now, Lucky Readers, I love me some country. But when you aren't exactly thrilled with something happening in your life it's not the best choice of tunage, what with the heartbreak and sorrow prevalent in the genre.

However, this morning it seems to have been a boon. For my non-country-fan readers, let me share a couple of the lines from it and you'll see why I say this.

Take your records take your freedom

Take your memories I don't need em

Take your space and take your reason

But you'll think of me

Take your cat but leave my sweater

Cause we have nothing left to weather

In fact I'll feel a whole lot better

But you'll think of me

And the next two are particularly good for me right now:

It seems the only blessing I have left to remain

Is not know what we could've been

Or what we should've been

While your sleeping with your pride

Wishing I could hold you tight

I'll be over you and on with my life

Now yes, this song is far too dramatic for the situation I'm in, but this is actually very comforting to me. I'm pretty sure that I'm awesome, and even if I had a strange moment it wasn't anything compared to my fabulousness. So if Roth is really gonna let one less-than-wonderful moment scare him off, then I need to realize that it's his loss.

See, nearly every guy I've come back into contact with after they've stopped seeing me for whatever reason has told me that at some point they've kicked themselves over their action. That must mean something good about me, right? I mean, there must be something redeemable about me that makes up for my silliness.

So thank you random country song! Thank you for creepily playing a song perfect for my mind-frame today, and simultaneously helping me to feel better about myself in a less than idyllic situation!

But the situation still sucks. Sucks hardcore. Bleck!

This is such a whiny post, but I'm upset.

2008-09-14T09:27:00.003-04:00

Trying super hard to not over-react right now.

I had a not-so-great date with Roth and it's bumming me out super hardcore.

Mostly cause it's my crazy that made it bad.

Basically I let something he said that didn't even upset me get my wheels turning too much. I started to get depressed about it and couldn't hide it. Then he started questioning me on why I was clearly upset and I couldn't keep the crazy from spilling out of my mouth.

It wasn't an argument, a fight, or anything like that. I think it's part of what made it so awful. it was just...not talking flecked with odd statements from me.

Long story short, he became uncomfortable, and we left what should have been good times early. He barely spoke to me as we drove back, and it was only after I told him he was making me physically uncomfortable with the silence that he told me it was because of some of the stuff I said.

Now he hasn't called. And this after I left a message apologizing. So I think I fucked up too big.

What upsets me most about this isn't the fact that I already might be done with seeing a guy i really dig (which is a bummer ... hugely), but that I truly can't control my actions. During the whole non-fight uncomfortableness I knew I was screwing up. I knew I was being silly and I couldn't stop it. Again.

My god this is redonkulous now. I need to find a way to not do this shit anymore. But i also need to find someone who can deal with it. Cause all I want is for someone who sees the good in me to not be scared away by this shit.

And he sees me. Even in the midst of my silliness he told me twice that he "Would change a single thing about me." And i don't think it was just a line. I think he meant it. So I know he digs me on some level.

But...then why no response to my voicemail? Why no call? Oh...because I'm nutballs.

Hopefully I'm over-reacting. That's probably the case. But dammit i wish this thought process didn't even need to occur.

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

It's an update - 1950's news flash style!

2008-09-09T10:44:00.004-04:00

Kendragon Chronicles World Update - Bringing the world of delightfully neurotic creatures to your door.

Dateline: Cleveland, OH.

Kendragon is still incredibly busy all the time but is happy with her current state of affairs.

Flash!

Cellular devices have recently stopped working all together! Rest assured, though, new hardware has been obtained to ensure phone usage for another day. Panic and looting was avoided.

In news of recent deaths, while on a road trip the Kendragon mobile ran through an entire community of insects. The souls of a thousand insects now rest on the windshield and hood. Their spirits seem to enjoy their resting place, though, as they are reluctant to leave the area. Exorcism by water is planned for later today.

Employment rates have remained steady. The job market remains unpleasant and unable to hire new talent, yet with the unemployment rates as low as they are Kendragons are able to sustain their current lifestyle with little trouble. In related news, workplace happiness among Kendragons has decreased recently.

Now to our on site reporter Chance McMurphy. Chance!

McMurphy here at the gym. Recent activity here shows that Kendragons are returning to their old patterns of exercise and fitness. Reports indicate that the previous level of activity, while effective at maintaining weight, had been insufficient to reduce girth further. This renaissance of swimming and increased cardio activity is expected to positively impact the physical appearance of these joyous creatures. Back to you at the studios.

In celebrity news, Kendragon has further enjoyed the company of new beau Roth recently. This fun loving couple has been spotted painting the town red at dance halls and speak easies across the region. Kendragon's gams have been put to work on the dance floors with Roth several times over recent weeks, surely impressing the attractive young gentleman. Are signs of interest becoming sparks of romance? Only time will tell. But at this rate this dynamic new pair will take the city by storm while we wait for an answer!

That's all for the Kendragon Chronicles World Update. Be sure to take care of yourselves in this crazy, cockamamie world of ours.

Goodnight.

But Dr. McNamara....dreams about you are supposed to be hot and sexy...

2008-09-04T13:35:00.004-04:00

You know what's fun? Realizing that your subconscious is attempting to destroy you.

In light of my post yesterday, I thought you Lucky Readers might find this little story funny.

I was woken up by a bad dream this morning. Or not bad...strange. Like the kind of "What the Fuck?" dreams I had while I was still on meds before I got used to them. In this dream, I was being sat down and talked to by Dr. McNamara from Nip/Tuck as if we were long time friends. Except he wasn't that character...just a friend that looked and sounded like him, as dreams are want to make people out to be. He put his arm around me and said "Kendragon, we need to talk. It's about Matty." I inquired who Matty is, and he tells me it's my co-worker who totally doesn't go by that name. "He's ... having some issues with you." The good doctor then proceeded to tell me in exact detail why not only 'Matty' but everyone else in my life is unhappy with me. And just before I woke up he hugged me and said, "Just thought you should know."

How's that for an unpleasant way to be roused from sleep? Hey! Everyone hates me! ... or at least my mind thinks so.

Surprise surprise.

This is so incredibly disturbing folks, I can't even begin to describe my disappointment. Apparently no matter how hard I try to make myself more stable and content in my own skin, some creepy demented evil version of Jiminy Cricket is going to be sitting in the back of my head undermining every positive attempt I make. In my mind he looks all demented but still Cheshire Cat-esque ... cause of course I have to make him scary but appealing to my artistic senses.

But I refuse to think that this makes me destined to fail at my recent re-dedication, friends. Dammit I'm gonna cage that fiend if it kills me. I refuse to let it hinder my happiness from afar any longer. I'm going to use my logic to fix this.

For instance, I'm going to remember that dreams like this came about when I was on my meds, so this probably has something to do with the fact that I was recently put on the pill and the chemicals in me are all in flux right now. And I'm going to tell myself that if these facts were true, I wouldn't have the good people in my life that I do have (enter Awesome Former Roomie and her Awesome Utah-residing friend). And I'm definitely going to constantly reiterate to myself that this is just a mind-over-matter moment, and ultimately I am in control of this situation.

So ... that should learn my doubt monster!

But dude...doesn't that dream SUCKKKKKKKK!??!?!

Wonder...

2008-09-03T10:39:00.000-04:00

I wonder. I wonder if my confidence is being undermined by my past, or by my fear of what could be my future.

See...I like to think of myself as a confidence person. Full of doubts and paranoia, yes...of course. Look to this blog for proof if you feel it necessary. But overall I think I have a certain level of comfort in who and what I am. I know what I look like, how I act, and how I think about my day-to-day existence ... and I'm comfortable with it. I think I'm a fun, loving person who is intelligent and humorous and has a lot of things going for her.

But those damn flairs of concern like to scream up all the time and make me wonder. Wonder if I have enough direction in my life. Wonder if I'm not quirky and unique but rather annoying and rude. Wonder if those very concerns are as evident to others as they are to myself, and if others think I'm weak because of it.

It's an interested state to be in; to know that I am a beautiful and good person while simultaneously questioning every action I take. Yes, yes, I know many of you will say that this is an oxymoron and that I'm deluding myself. But I don't think I am. I think it is possible to know that I am an interesting person who doesn't need to change anything, but to also be aware that I can benefit from some self-reflection.

However that self-reflection can take on a life of its own and destroy this delicate balancing act that is my confidence.

So now I venture into the "know your enemy" territory:

Why the fuck do I do this?

Is it because I spent most of my childhood years being mentally tormented by people and constantly being made to judge every action I was going to attempt before I make it? Is it due to watching my sister and mother fight almost every week and being made to feel like I had to walk on eggshells to ensure that I didn't fall into the fray too heavily? Or is that I've been rejected by so many people over the course of my 23 years that I've come to see it as the norm, and I don't feel comfortable unless something is in flux and therefore I sabotage everything?

Or possibly it could also be my dire terror that I will wake up at 35 (my scary age) and feel like I've made huge, unfixable mistakes in my life. See, while I'm not one to regret anything that I've done in my life since it's always at least been a learning point for me, I do hugely lament decisions I've made. What I fear more than anything right now is that I will come to have a flawed existence, and will be unable to make it worthwhile at the point that I will realize the error of my ways. So to save myself from that fate, I constantly question my actions, and little by little chip away at my confidence.

It still exists people. The confidence is an ionic column in my life. However it's being chipped away by doubt and worn by worry. I'm beginning to fret that it will lose it's integrity soon and the roof will quickly and harshly collapse. So I need to erect some support beams and fast so I can repair that damage.

But first I need to remove those influences. As completely as possible.

And once again I ask in this blog, how the fuck do I do that?

Random campfire stories for the cowboys

2008-09-02T11:16:00.000-04:00

So I had a blandly fantastic weekend. I did so very little, but it was utterly wonderful. Mostly because it provided me with a lot of time to think that I haven't been able to have lately. And in light of my promise to try to update this more often, I shall now share my joyness with you.

So come, Lucky Readers, gather round the campfire and let me spin you the yarn of Kendragon and the Weekend of Leisure. Listen to the gui-tar being plucked by Jimmy the two-toothed old timer and nestle down on your hunk of log while I take you back to three days ago...

Basically I was at my boss' house again this weekend watching the adorable pup. So I was provided with ample amounts of time to do very little and actually enjoy my Labor Day Weekend.

Score.

However I did have to work two days at the crappy job. One happened to be with one of my favorite interns which was wonderful, but the other I was stuck alone at a booth for four hours. If it hadn't been for the kindness of those at the booths near me taking pity and coming to keep me company and bringing me hotdogs from their cookout I surely would have perished.

Pause for the dramatic chord being played old-movie style.

But the lonely period gave me more than enough time to think about the things that I need to do to make my life better. See, again I'm happy right now, but I also am very aware of the fact that I can very easily ruin it by falling into old patterns. Guys, I literally made a list of all the positive traits I could think of about myself. Why you ask? Because I figure if I can remember those and remember why I am a good person then maybe I won't continue to try to convince myself that I'm not deserving of good things and people (ahem...Roth).

See, cause if I don't do that then I have nights like last night where I randomly find myself sobbing (could have had to do with the fact that I had watched two episodes of Intervention back-to-back...love the show but man can it be a bummer) for no reason whatsoever. It's super fun folks, try it some time.

But here's the good bit about that crazy session I had - I was able to control myself this time. And the last few of these similar things that have popped up over the past couple months. I reached out to a friend and talked through it...or at least tried to as much as I could. I was able to detach myself from the frame of mind and move on. And then I was in a good enough mood to go to bed and get a good night sleep.

Now the good talk with Roth right before bed didn't hurt anything either. I really dig him guys. Oh! And he totally took me out on a sweet little date to an Italian restaurant this weekend that was amazingly chill in it's simplicity. Sigh. I find him awesome.

Anyway...

So in light of the more-or-less fruitful weekend of late, this week is going to serve as the recommencing of my attempts at self-improvement. It will begin the way it began before: a rededication to my fitness plan and proper diet, and at least thirty minutes a day meditating on what I can do to continue moving in this positive path and ceasing the happiness sabotage.

I'll be sure to update Cowboys. Now go on and hit the trail. Go on. Git!

Stop it. Just stop it already. Really. STOP. STOP!!!

2008-08-28T10:13:00.000-04:00

Had an epiphany on the way into work this morning people. Almost got into an accident thinking about it actually. Ready for this?

I SABOTAGE MY HAPPINESS.

I find the one negative thing...or hell the one possibility of a negative thing... and I let it eat at me. And here's the real problem with that...I'm smart enough to convince myself that I'm right. I use my reasoning skills to convince myself that my crazy is not only accurate but totally logical.

Example:

When I was still living with awesome roommate C broke my heart. She was amazing and wonderful and let me cry on her shoulder day after day after day. And then one morning I woke up and decided that no one wanted to hear about my heartache anymore. Just boom, decided it. Had no logic behind it. No rhyme or reason.

So not necessarily the most harmful thing in the world, right? Oh no...I had to make it destructive. I pretty much convinced myself that it was completely true and decided that I needed to stop talking about my pain to everyone. Not just her, but also my family and other concerned friends. I retreated into myself and only when forced or became so distressed that I couldn't keep it in anymore did I actually converse about my pain. But then after I would vent I would beat myself up over it and feel like everyone hated me.

This culminated when one night she came in with her then boy and although they were doing nothing at all off putting or strange their very happiness together drove me to being so upset that I instantly threw on clothes, went to the bar down the street, and drank for hours alone. I staggered home drunk crying and stood in my front entry way sobbing and brushing away tears hoping that no one, not even strangers passing by, would notice me hurting. Ya know...cause they didn't want to see that either. All because I convinced myself that my heartache riddled thoughts were not the pain induced thoughts of a then undiagnosed crazy person, but rather a logical, just notion that should dictate my actions.

Smart, no?

Oh...no you say.

Hmmm...

So why do I bring this up now? Well...cause Roth, the guy I dared to mention yesterday in the-blog-that-curses-all-the-relationships-I-bring-up-on-here ... well I found something out last night about him. And even though i know it is perfectly innocent and doesn't change a damn thing about him, my crazy is convincing me that it means bad things.

Now I'm questioning all the great things about him. His kind and giving nature, the fact that he thinks I'm gorgeous, his declaration that that he is looking for a soccer mom and wants nothing more than to find the person he loves deeply so that he can start a family with that person and grow old with her (paraphrasing Roth, but nearly quoting), the way he looks at me with admiration and care....well all those are totally moot points now. Why?

BECAUSE I APPARENTLY DON'T WANNA BE HAPPY!

No, no, Kendragon... ignore the good. Take this one thing, blow it out of proportion in your crazy head and ruin yet another good thing in your life. Go on. It'll be fun! It always is.

I mean fuck! I already fell into having to tell Roth about my exact crazy stuff, and he was amazing about it. We were talking and he said he wouldn't be going anywhere (awww), and all I could think was "They all do eventually" (rejection fears are awesome, what with the ruining sweet moments), and he could tell I was upset. He wouldn't let me not tell him about it, which I loved. He then sat there, grasping my hand and eventually holding me without holding me (arm resting on my leg and looking at me...so sweet) and listened intently as i told him everything. And I mean everything. He not only didn't judge me at all, he responded with understanding, kindness, affection, and gratitude that I would open up.

You literally cannot get a more perfect response to that situation. And now I'm gonna ignore that over some stupid shit that came to my attention? Why?

Hopefully I'll be able to reason my way through this. Hopefully I'll be able to remember that so far he has shown me literally not one bad quality. Hopefully I'll remember that Roth calls me at least twice a day and has since the day we met and that he's called me just to hear my voice already. Hopefully I'll remember that he has told me that he already finds my presence to be a comfort. Hopefully I'll remember that is just feels good to look at him and he clearly feels the same way about me. Hopefully I won't fuck up my joy yet again.

Hopefully.

Wait...I have readers?

2008-08-27T10:44:00.000-04:00

Apparently I don't update this enough. Apparently there are actually people who look to this for updates quasi-regularly and are disappointed to not find them.

Who knew?

So I'm gonna try try try Guster style to update this more often then once every couple weeks. Woo hoo!

Alright. Update!

In the work department I've decided that I really do need to think about my options. This kills me folks. I love my co-workers and I really hate the idea of not seeing them everyday/ having new co-workers who might be assholes. But let's face it: I was pushed into a sales position I don't like, out of an admin position I did, because they informed me that I will never be paid what I know I am worth for the work I know I'm amazing at. So now I'm stuck with a position that I'm decent at but I don't ever think I'll be stellar at, and a sinking feeling that this just isn't it for me every day that I drive into work. I need to start looking for work again which stinks, but I think it's gonna be for the best. I'm just bummed about how this company has played out.

In the family department ...well my family is adorable. My sister and her husband (aww!) are real happy right now, my mom and her man are doing better than they have for awhile, and my dad and his lady are just too adorable to be a real couple. So basically if money wasn't an issue at all we would pretty much have the most wonderful Rockwell version of my family possible right now.

In terms of my love life, the two guys I was juggling are...well no more. The one has dropped off the face of the earth (and with his being ten years older than me and having two kids I'm not sure I'm upset about it...at all...in fact I think I'm kinda glad the situation resolved itself), and the other one found out some stuff and decided that he didn't want to be with me which I took like an adult since it was my fault. So those are done.

But dudes...I totally don't give a fuck.

I kinda sorta found a guy that I am shocked how quickly I feel strongly for. I've liked the other guys that I've seen lately peeps. I've really enjoyed their company and have lamented when things have ended. But this one is just...sigh. I find him adorable and amazingly hot and I really dig his sense of humor. He's intelligent and caring and the most genuinely sweet person I've ever met. I mean if I wasn't fairly certain that he meant all the wonderful things he says to me than I would find him to be the most corny person I've ever met. And what's even better, I already felt comfortable enough with him to tell him that, and when I did he laughed and took it as a compliment.

Guys...he gets me. So few males get me. Amazing.

So I'm enjoying this young but exciting beginning of a relationship with...hmmm...let's call him Roth (mostly cause I know he would dig that), I'm not loving my work situation but I'm gonna become proactive about it, and my family is actually doing well. Besides the fact that my friend situation is still a bit odd due to me realizing when I hung out with one of them this weekend that I feel like I've completely outgrown the group and I actually find them irritating now, everything is going swimmingly for me. Excelsior!

Now let's hope this persists.

Maybe I don't need to share this...maybe y'all already know.

2008-08-13T13:23:00.000-04:00

So I'm pretty sure I'm boring. Yep. Dullsville. Bland-o-rama. Boring....ing.

See - even my final example of my boringness is boring.

Blah.

I'm sitting her thinking about this, and I can't think of one thing about me that is engaging and interesting.

Oh there were things earlier. I was going to school, living in a cool city, learning interesting things, meeting interesting people, experiencing fun fun fun activities.

But then I moved. Bad call evidently. Cause now I live with my parents (ugh), work a job that is repetitious as hell and while it sounds interesting is actually quite dull on a day-to-day basis, work another job that is mindless more or less, and...that's about it.

I no longer hang out with most of my friends from out here cause I'm tired of their drama. But that means that I don't have the fun experiences with them either. I don't do concerts anymore really, and I don't have time for movies (my real love) save those I watch at home on my bed. I date, yes, but only briefly cause either I pick alot of bad guys or I have a big personality flaw that I just don't see and they stop being interested in me. I have a wide variety of interests which is great in theory, but it means that I don't have anything in particular that I can contribute to in terms of relationships.

So basically this is how I sum up a standard week for the Kendragon. Wake up, get ready for work, go to work, do work, come home, watch movie, go to sleep, repeat until weekend without variance, wake up go to bad job, come home, do yardwork/housework, listen to parents fight, go to sleep, repeat previous day.

Fun huh?

Oh! I do know one thing about me that is crazy interesting: I'm still battling with my crazy. It's like herpes - it pops up randomly when I think it's gone completely then ruins a week or so of my life. That's ... unique. Right?

Got one thing making my different. Woo hoo.

So I gotta figure out a way to make this better for me. I need to find a new hobby...outside of my house...that means I'm doing something active and meeting people. Yea! Just need to get some damn time and money to do that. And since I need both jobs to get the latter that means that I have little of the former so...guess that's not happening soon.

Fuck.

Her wedding soooo ain't gonna look like this.

2008-08-07T17:46:00.000-04:00

I'm happier today Lucky Readers. Here's why:

1) My sister's getting married in two days. I'm leaving in about eight hours to be in St. Louis with her for it. I love her obviously, I think he's an amazing fit for her, and his three kids from a previous marriage will now simply be my neices, and I'm thrilled about that. I could not be happier for her.

2) The one dude I really dig that I thought was no longer interested called me and we had a fun flirty conversation and I remembered why I like him so much and I got real super happy about it like a total girl but fuck it he's cute and kind and smart so...hooray!

3) I've been closing contracts at work. Not much money but I'm building up momentum. This will hopefully lead to being paid in gold dabloons and rubies. I shall bathe in them Lucky Readers.

and 4) I was able to logically think through this recent very short bout of depression. I'm getting better able to handle them all the time people, and this above all else is thrilling.

So ... fantastic-ness!

Now I'm off to a plane. Let's hope it stays aloft and this good mood doesn't get smashed to pieces when my plane plummets out of the sky.

So my doctor's would've been proud of me but I find this of little comfort

2008-08-04T21:46:00.000-04:00

So I think I figured it out. I think I know what I need to not randomly get down any more.

Oh, I'm really low lately by the way. I feel pretty bad about who I am and actions I've been taking lately and I truly doubt my worth again. It feels just super.

I know enough from my previous time with doctors to know how prevailingly silly that is. And knowing that and ways to cope with it can only be beneficial ... this I understand. But that doesn't mean that I don't still find things about myself that I still can't control despite trying to be better and more conscience of my actions to be wholly depressing.

Actually...probably makes it worse.

Anywhosel. I think I've kinda figured out what it is that i need to make myself finally feel like i am actually worthy of good things in this world and able to accept the notion that i am not a horrible person and that I will indeed be happy some day.

I need to feel like I am truly, unequivocally important to someone.

Anyone.

Let me explain. As you Lucky Readers have surely heard too many times, I am more than aware that my big issue (the one that triggers all my crazy) is the idea and/or act of rejection. I'm not gonna rehash that, but basically I am cognizant that that is the root of my issues.

So how to find some sort of resolution to that?

Well I think I got it. I need to be valued. I need someone in this world to think that my very existence is so vital to them that the thought of me not being happy, healthy, or present (as a key figure in their life consistently) is enough to cause them distress.

Geez that sounds more horrible than I mean it. I don't want to be the cause for anyone's pain. Never ever would I want that. Rather I want to be the cause of someone's ... well anything ... joy, contentment, pleasure, humor ... to the extent that the thought of that not being around would be too difficult to bear.

I think this has become such an important idea to me because as I'm sitting here writing this I'm juggling a couple guys. I should be happy right? I mean they both know that I'm seeing other people and there's no real commitment, so I should be thrilled that I'm being young and enjoying my life.

But no. I'm sitting here feeling horrible. Mostly cause I've done a couple stupid things in terms of interactions with the one fella, and the other one has pretty much stopped communicating and I can't figure out why. And of course this feels like rejection which sucks. But what bothers me more is I think the only reason why I am so upset is because I'm pretty sure that if I felt like even one person in this world felt like I was truly important to them I wouldn't be this conflicted by it. It would suck, yes, but I would be able to feel more comfortable if that strong form of acceptance from another existed for me.

So now the tougher question - how do I find that?

Well start off loving yourself, right? And do important things with my time so that I can feel important to myself? Yea, yea...I try to do that whenever possible. And the whole loving myself part...well I'm working on it.

But how long is it gonna take for me to get that from anyone? And more pressing, what do I do to make sure that I don't only think I am that important to someone by projecting this need onto someone falsely? And how do I make sure that I won't lose it once I find it?

These are the questions that I cannot fathom the answers to people. And that's utterly depressing to me. But since I'm already down we may as well have the state of being compounded, right? Joy.

I offically think too much.

2008-07-17T14:32:00.000-04:00

So here's a middle school level question that I find myself asking lately - do I really like him, or am I just a fan of the idea of having a significant other?

I met a guy and I've seen him twice now (Yea, yea, I know, two times is too soon to get myself all perplexed over a fella, but this is more a mental inquiry). He's an interesting mix of all the things that I find charming in a fella (opening the door for me, insisting on paying, orders dinner but only after determining what I want ... that sorta thing) and being completely random and keeping me laughing/guessing. He's uber driven and kind, not to mention cute.

So...I like him. That part is undeniable. But what I'm wondering is do I like the idea of having a significant other more?

I'm not looking for anything crazy serious here, Lucky Readers. Nothing has changed in that area. I'm still incredibly busy and trying to juggle fifty things at once. But the last couple guys I've met have made me realize that although I may not want a serious thing overall, I do want some form of a boyfriend. I like going on dates. I like the idea of having someone I care about to do that with. I like the idea of getting even remotely emotionally vested in a guy again. It may be risky, but it's a good feeling to trust someone that much. It just seems appealing to me right now.

This leaves me wondering if my longing for him to call, my checking my phone just to make sure it's working properly, my fighting the urge to call/email/text this guy so that I don't appear desperate...is it rooted in him, or is it rooted in me?

I hope I'm not so subconsciously unaware that I would project feelings onto someone without justification. And I hope that I would be able to tell the difference between infatuation with an individual and a state of mind. But then again I've heard of crazier things, so asking the question doesn't seem out of line.

Although all this will probably be a moot point; every time I talk in even the vaguest of terms about a dude I dig on here it seems to jinx it. So watch, this won't even be an issue in a day or so. But I think I really like him people. I think he's a great guy and I feel like I mesh with him well ... vastly better than the guys I've met...well since C (haven't talked about him for awhile, huh?).

As you guys have probably figured out, I'm still stuck in 15 year old girl mode, and can't really wrap my mind around how to act/think/behave with a guy a like. I may as well walk around in pig tails and a catholic school girl outfit so I can at least look the part...or maybe that will help the situation. Hmmm...

Sounds to me like somebody's got a case of the 'Sposdas'!

2008-07-15T12:09:00.000-04:00

So I'm supposed to be working. Actually I'm supposed to be working harder than usual cause I've been forced to take a half day from the good job to go to a lame required meeting for the bad one. I'm supposed to be trying to squeeze eight hours of work into four.

But I'm not. Tee hee.

Actually far from it. I'm incredibly checked out right now and my 70 more minutes until I get to leave here and head home for a bit before going downtown and pretending that I care about what my bosses are going to be just as unenthused about telling us as we are to hear it is draggggging.

It's kind of been a bit of a problem actually; lately I find it hard to get motivated at work. I think it might be because I have to spend the first few hours of every day determining which job I need to focus on.

Let's see...am I an administrator who will expertly and efficiently keep our department running smoothly? Or am I a sales person who will feverishly close deals and make lots of dollar dollar bills?

What's that? My only option is to be a half-assed version of both who never really gets either job done properly cause my attention is constantly being diverted away? Hmmm...

Oh well. I do still love my job and hope that they will bring in my replacement very soon so I can do my real job as amazingly as I know I can. But until then I have a feeling that my levels of meh are going to remain rather high.

I'm actually shocked that I'm not all sorts of down right now Lucky Readers. I found out yesterday that my favorite NPR show The Bryant Park Project - the one that I listen to while at work that makes me laugh out loud, provides a great mix of real news coverage and fluff pieces, and keeps me sane on the days when customers are pushing me to the brink - is being canceled. It's a very sad day made even sadder by the fact that NPR thus far hasn't provided any opportunities for the loyal listeners to try to help save the program. I'm admittedly taking it kind of personally, but it's become a fixture in my work day. I hate the idea of seeing it go.

Also I'm having a bit of a tiff with one of my friends and although we are on speaking terms it's clearly strained and it's rough for me. I won't delver into further details, but I will say that although I'm not mad I am very frustrated by some things that have been said, and I hope that I'll be able to fully forgive them soon. Thus far no luck though...

However, despite the unfortunateness I'm very chipper. I'm enjoying the balance I've been able to establish between my work and home life (I know I may only be 23 and have no family of my own and all those other truly adult responsibilities, but juggling two jobs, friends, and family has been much more difficult than I thought it would be), I have my new car which is amazing and lovely and such a weight off my shoulders despite the second large debt I now am carrying in addition to my school loans, and I'll be visiting Awesome Former Roomie this weekend and I simply cannot wait to see her and my animal nephews.

Oh! And only about five more days until I see Dark Knight. I literally cannot wait. Seriously, my leg is shaking just thinking about it.

So I'm happy y'all. Happy and enthused. Happy and enthused and anxious. It's proving to be a good mix.

Very brief update - enjoy!

2008-07-07T21:41:00.001-04:00

Get it...brief! Oh the wit!

It's been an interesting week or so Lucky Readers. A few bad moments, yes, but in interest of staying upbeat I won't mention them. Not the nearly running into one of the people that apparently thinks I'm worthless, not having a guy I used to be kind of interested in stop calling me all together (although I'm not too incrediblly upset about that to be honest), and definitely not how Neat and I had a huge fight.

Nope, not even gonna mention it.

Instead I'm gonna focus on a couple happier things...for once. Huzzah!

My job finally gave me a raise. It's not as much as I would hope it'd be, but it's much closer. Now they just need to hire my replacement so that I can focus on my main position and I should be doing well enough for myself to move out...again. God I feel like a townie. But still - raise!

I met a cute guy. Kinda like him. Kinda had a great date. But I'm gonna leave it at that cause otherwise I'm gonna jinx it.

Knock on wood, throw salt over my shoulder, make animal sacrifices.

And I met through a coworker at my second job a guy that makes B horror movies. He asked if I wanted to help out with them or perhaps act. It totally made me year. Awesome.

So for now I shall leave this brief update. Kendragon is happy and mentally calm for once. She is extremely glad for it.

Dammit I'm Worth It!

2008-06-30T22:37:00.000-04:00

So did you know that me doing two jobs at once within the same company, training two new employees, one of which doesn't know basic Excel, covering adding stations to our list of affiliates for seasonal specials, and being responsible for keeping the intern busy means that I'm still not important enough to make more hourly then said intern? Neither did I until today.

The fucking intern makes more money per hour than me.

Fuck.

If I even have to look for a new job again just because my company is ripping me off while I'm working my ass off just to keep my head above water in terms of workload, I swear I will be forced to eat a whole bunch of bad food to compensate for my inevitable sadness, then I'll be fat again and therefore depressed again, and my months of progress will be worthless. Curse you hypothetical situation!

Ugh. But life is going alright Lucky Readers. I kind of hate my work situation right now, but it's only because I know how much my company is ripping me off and I'm really frustrated about it. But I still like the people and the work we do, and I actually love that they trust my abilities enough to give me so much responsibility. But I didn't rack up tons of debt to get a college degree to work my ass of for far less than I'm worth. Le sigh.

Oh and for my other job I almost got sucked up in a tornado at an outdoor event. Or rather a funnel cloud formed directly over my head while tornado were touching down in our surrounding area. But still. Even the grizzled old security guard who had been working at the outdoor venue for twenty years told us that we should be concerned and that "If you see my fat ass running you better get moving along with me". Awesome.

In other Kendragon news, I'm psyched to visit Chicago in about two weeks and see awesome roomie. And I actually have gone on a couple dates recently. They haven't been great but for the first time in like five years I feel like I'm really back in the game. So...ya know...that's cool.

Oh, and my sister is engaged and getting married in a couple months. I'm super happy for her and pleased that the three little girls that I consider my nieces will finally be a part of my family. Oh and her fiance's pretty chill too.

So overall, good times. But freaking pay me what I'm worth dammit!

Oh and on a side note...Thanks to a certain fella who's been a great support lately. You kick ass. Consistently.

I know I've asked this question before but...

2008-06-10T22:14:00.000-04:00

I need a truly honest male opinion here. I need to know what it is about me that turns the fellas off.

No, this is not a depression wallowing post. I'm actually doing pretty well. Despite the most Irecent bout of unevenness I'm relatively upbeat. I feel like i could dive back into it any moment mind you, but I'm pretty secure that I won't.

To quote awesome roomie's blog "Go team crazy!"

Instead this is a genuinely confused post. I really truly don't get it. Why is it that any cute guy I meet that I actually click with on some level winds up deciding to not be interested in me? Someone tell me. Please.

I know I'm at least above average pretty. Not model sickenly gorgeous, but prettier than the herds. Let's say a 6 1/2 or 7...maybe a 7 1/2 on my most outstanding days when the clothing, the jewelry, the make-up, the hair, and the attitude are all at their peek fabulousness. I know I'm smarter than the average person. I have an IQ of like 143 or something like that which is pretty freaking high and I have a mix of both book knowledge and useless trivia stuck in my noodle. I'm funny...or at least I'm told I am often enough to make me think so. I can keep up a good conversation. I truly love doing everything a typical guy likes as well as all the chick stuff that girls dig. I'm creative, passionate, and I've been told sexually skilled. But then parents love me too so I can be sweet and demure when the situation calls for it.

So...what is it about me that negates all that goodness?

Is it my mannerisms? Voice? Tendency to think the blackest humor is the funniest? Interest in odd things? My probably obvious insecurities? Is there some off putting desperation about me due to my fear of rejection? Or is it something I can't even fathom? Like...do I mouth breath and not even know it? I've known people that do that and I know I found it incrediblly odd and gross...so maybe that's it.

The cute guy wound up calling which was great and we talked for like two hours. And now I like him even more. But that was on last Thursday and that Friday he went out of town and now it's Tuesday and I have yet to have any communication with him whatsoever. Now I'm hearing rumor that he's said to a mutual friend that he isn't looking for anything serious. Well freaking great, neither am I. I just want someone who wants to be around me for a night or two a week right now. I'm trying to get my life together. I don't need anything more than that. But I also don't need for the nicest guy I've met in awhile who kisses really well to not want to call me assuming that I want more than I do. It's very frustrating and I hope it's not causing him to move away from just a casual dating situation.

If that's even what's happening. But I don't know what's happening.

I may wind up feeling stupid. I may get a call from him a day or so from now (and by the by, I've reached out a couple times over the past couple days via text since he told me that he would call and I kinda want to see if he does, and he responded which was good but they were short responses which was bad...but I feel like I've done my part to keep the ball rolling) and it'll be good. I kinda hope that happens even though I know how silly that is. But my gut tells me that he's just turned off by something about me and I don't even know what. And that sucks.

So please...just tell me someone (anyone) what the dealo is. If I know, I can understand. It may not prompt any change but at least I know what I'm working with here.

Sigh. Any ideas?

Just call already!

2008-06-05T23:03:00.000-04:00

I am a pretty girl! I'm smart and funny and any guy would be lucky to have me!

Now why won't the cute, nice, funny, charming, down-to-earth, amazing guy I went on a date with a couple days ago call me? I know we had fun. I'm about 98% sure he likes me.

What. The. Fuck?

Seriously.

I'm doing better peeps, and not just because of the date...which was great and I hope will happen again. Mostly I'm doing better because I have amazing friends, even if they aren't close by. That and it's the nature of the crazy. But mostly the former.

I just really, reallllly, realllllllllllllllllly want him to call me. I'm getting all girlie and nervous over here, which I hate being. I only get this way about a fella I really dig though, so take it to mean what you will.

Ugh. Wish me luck guys. Kendragon needs a nice guy to keep being nice or her faith in goodness may just be crushed all together.

Hula out of them!

2008-05-30T16:36:00.000-04:00

Okay despite my lowness I wanted to share something completely random that made me happy and will hopefully bring a smile to the faces of my Lucky Readers.

I got a pair of deep indigo jeans about four months ago and although they did not fit tight they definitely fit well. They didn't hug my every last curve, but they did fit well enough that you could tell what kind of body I have. I found them foxy.

So I wore them to work today and I noticed they aren't fitting as nicely as they normally do. They are a bit loose and when I would walk through the hallway they were slipping so low on my hips that they were kind of becoming uncomfortable. So a bit later I stopped into the restroom and decided to try an experiment. Guess what peeps:

I can slide my jeans off without unbuttoning them! With just a little wiggle I can slide them right down without leaving any red pull marks or making any sounds of effort.

I'm incredibly happy about this. Not only because that means I've lost more weight, but also because I now get to go jean shopping again which I actually love to do. So...hooray!

Now if only that made depression flee...

Ahhhhh, Hello again old friend! YOU shall never leave me!

2008-05-28T22:30:00.000-04:00

So yea...totally depressed. And evidently my mom thinks I'm a big bowl of crazy flakes. With or without sugar...we can't tell yet. But pour some milk on me and enjoy. Add some fruit and toast and you'll have a complete breakfast...all the way to the looney bin! Tee hee! Take THAT sanity!

More on the mother in a minute.

I feel completely alone peeps. I have no boy, no real friends in Cleveland (Neat...wow what a disappointment...friends since second grade and I don't feel like I can trust her ever again since apparently I never really knew her that well to begin with), my family has had it with me and they are beginning to show it, and I'm slowly beginning to realize just how little of a life I have. I work, and work, and work, and sleep (more and more all the time...crazy style), and then maybe once in awhile before all this bat shitness started I would hang out with my friends but as we've already determined HA! I have none of those anymore.

I like my main job alot but I already feel like it's not going to ever become what I want it to be. What do I want it to be? Fucking hell, I'm not even sure. I know I want it to pay better, of course, but that's nothing in particular. I guess it's just the fact that I already feel like I've pretty much got the game figured out and I don't see how anything is gonna change dramatically enough to get me interested.

I'm freaking living at home with my mom and a man who increasingly I feel like I don't know anymore. When you add to that that the two of us don't really like each other that much ...well it makes for awkward living. I have a shitty car and hate the idea of looking for a new one because I know I will inevitably get ripped off and I just don't have the energy right now to deal with that.

I know what I would like to do for a living but don't think it's going to happen...ever. I have literally dreamed about it which is so freaking cliche that it's laughable. But I want to be a film critic and I have absolutely no idea how to make that happen in a format that works with my schedule. Hell I work so much lately that I haven't even been able to see a new movie in literally months much less write a critique. What the f.

And again, I want to be back in Chicago so badly I can taste it. I don't have many close friends there anymore...in fact only three definite ones and a couple vague ones. But they are people that I know love me for who I am through and through and I desperately need their presence in my life right now in a more tangible way than I can get over the phone.

So yea. Hate my life right now. I'm all alone and completely depressed. Fucking hooray. This after I just got back from Vegas. I should be incredibly happy right now. But no...sad.

Oh, and I'm getting over the freaking flu. Again. THIRD time this year folks, and I had a flu shot. Insult to injury anyone?

According to my mother though, she thinks that I get sick/tired/headachey so often because of my depression. She thinks I get myself so stressed over social situations that I get all psychosomatic on my own ass and I make myself sick. She's not questioning whether or not I'm actually ill, but she thinks I need to see a shrink and get on something to help this.

Umm...what did you think I was on before? Why do you think I spent money I didn't have to see two doctors? And weren't you the one who talked me out continuing therapy and my meds? Just checking...

Am I wallowing in a pit of my own sadness? Lap swimming across my depression? Belly flopping into my own craziness? Why yes I guess I am. But I figure if it's gonna come screaming back I may as well embrace it. Cause denying it never did that much before.

So listen, oh Lucky Readers:

I AM CRAZY DEPRESSED AGAIN! I'M TENDING TOWARDS MY BAD HABITS/THOUGHTS AGAIN! I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS AGAIN!

Oh wait...that last bit was more a general sob than a declaration. My bad.

Ode to Awesome Former Roomie: Part Deux

2008-05-14T12:31:00.000-04:00

Awesome Former Roomie is amazing. No, no, not just amazing. Something far more spectuacular than that. She's...fantabulous. No, not even that is sufficient to describe her splendor. I am forced to revert to the term coined by Will Ferrell as James Lipton on SNL, for if it is good enough for Charles Nelson Riley it's good enough for her.

She's scrumptralescent.

You demand proof? Well that's a bit pushy of you, but none the less I shall provide evidence.

1) She's freaking gorgeous. She doesn't seem to see this which makes her even more so. Humility is so very hot. She has limbs that go on forever, muscles that make her look defined without being masculine, curves til Tuesday, and skin like a porcelain doll. I have told her many times how I envy her high cheek bones and pouty lips. I just wanna snatch them off of her and run for the hills leaving her with two giant holes in her face which will be tragic for her but they will be mine! All mine!

2) She's wise beyond her years. I mean this in every sense of the term. She's book smart, street smart, and knows herself through and through. Sadly I find that final item far too lacking nowadays. I can carry on a conversation with her for hours and never get bored even from our sad distance of over 400 miles (boo!). I find her constantly helping to shape my interests without being insistent upon it because her very passion about the issues (through knowledge mind you) is enthralling. But most importantly, in all forms of her wisdom she is continually striving to learn more and become all the more knowledgeable. It is the simple act of acknowledging that she will never know it all that she's just how brilliant she is.

3) She's tough as nails. My girl don't take shit from no one. I have known far too many wilting flowers in my day to admire passivity. Anyone can go along for the ride and allow the world to stomp all over them. It takes real courage to stand up and put a spotlight on how you are being wronged, knowing that especially as a female it will likely be seen as being moody, impatient, or the overly utilized term bitchy. She also is willing to be this strong for those she loves, taking no prisoners when those close to her have been scorned. She only employs the strongest of methodologies when it's called for, and such restraint proves to be one of her greatest weapons in whatever battle is thrust upon her.

4) She's witty beyond belief. Whether it's turning a phrase in a completely unexpected way, becoming overly maudlin and dark to the point of humor, or just pulling out teenage level slapstick to make me snort up my coffee at Stella's (thanks by the way...that hurt soooo bad) she makes me and most everyone she's ever conversed with crack up. Anyone can repeat the same jokes they've heard everywhere else or pull out a random reference for comic effect (Hi!), and trust me she can do these things too, but very few can bring true, unique wit to the everyday.

5) She's a consummate support. In my darkest moments, my deepest depressions, and my melodramatic meltdowns, Lady Amazingness is always there for me, and for that matter everyone else in her life that has not proven to be unappreciative of those efforts. She's so much more than a shoulder to cry on; she's also the mother hugging you and blotting away your tears, the sister ready to take out the person or place that has hurt her kin, the friend smacking you upside the head for not seeing the big picture, and the councilor nodding her head as she allows you to simply vent before giving the most sound advice that she can.

There. Now you feel pretty silly for questioning no doubt. Just know that I could go on like this if need be. Never doubt my declaration of scrumptralescence!

Awesome former roomie has once again been there for me in a time of unneeded drama and frustration in my life. I adore her and miss her mightily. She is more fantastic than I can tell her, and I hope she knows just how much her presence in my life means to me.

And as for all you other Lucky Readers...my love for you abounds and will ne'er die. But this girl...she's gone above and beyond yet again. I just needed to acknowledge how very much that means to me.

Love ya girl!

Worthless

2008-05-06T10:51:00.000-04:00

"You're worthless."

It's playing in a loop in my head non-stop and has been for about four days now.

it's actually kind of interesting. My head keeps giving it a hip-hop turntable-esque rhythm to it.

"You're worthless, worthless, wo-or-orth-th-or-orth-w-w-w-w-w-worthless."

At least it's melodic.

I feel like an idiot, Lucky Readers. I let myself think that there was a purely positive thing in my life. After over twenty years of that never being so I don't know what made me think this would be occurring now.

Long story short, a "friend" who I thought was a good enough one that I actually felt comfortable confiding some of my crazy to decided to use it against me while saying some of the most hurtful things a non-stranger has said to me since high school. Those of you who know me or have been reading for awhile know that that is saying alot.

Why did he do that? Because I was upset that for the 20th some odd week in a row he once again showed blatant disregard for my concerns, schedule, or emotions. Nearly impressive when you think about. Until you realize that me being upset and not wanting to talk to him since I knew I couldn't hold my tongue if he did (told his girlfriend aka one of my best friends that I wouldn't be able to and to keep him away from me. I still can't figure out why people think I'm joking when I say that...) led to him saying in my opinion deliberately hurtful things.

Let me recreate the scene for ya. I was sitting on his couch after basically being manipulated into going to his apartment which I had shared with everyone there I did not want to do. I had been driven over so I couldn't just leave, and after an hour of driving around following him from bar to bar since none were good enough for him while he was being incredibly rude to his girlfriend (hanging up on her, ignoring her as she drove around, speeding away from her) I was pissed that I was expected to once again sit there and pretend I'm happy. I'm exhausted of that. i can't put on a happy face to make people who have been rude and disrespectful to me and those I care about feel better. It's infuriating and tiring. No more.

So I'm on the couch, admittedly being a bit pissy but...I was pissed and stuck there. What was I going to do? When another friend asked me a question I made some sort of admittedly sassy comment (again, pissed). This dude took it upon himself to interject his way into the conversation. when I told him i didn't want to talk to him I got a barrage of derogatory phrases thrown at me, most being followed by my just repeating them to him so he could hear what he was saying to me. He got more and more hurtful as he went on until he finally told me the following:

"All of our friends think you are a freeloader. You bring nothing to any friendships. You take advantage of all of us. You're worthless. Get the fuck out of my apartment."

He said that to me - the girl who has been defending him to our friends because they all can't stand his holier-than-thou attitude. The girl who has been the only one telling his girlfriend not to break up with him unless it felt right. The girl who told him about her fear of rejection and frustration that everyone takes advantage of her. The girl who he knows has some issues with her confidence. The girl who has talked to him about her depression battles and has said, and I quote, "You can always talk to me about that. I would be an understanding ear." Asshole.

After that I wouldn't have stayed regardless of whether he had kicked a chick out of his apartment in the middle of a not so great neighborhood in Cleveland. I told my friend who drove me I didn't care if i had to walk but I wasn't staying there, and slammed the door behind me. Childish yes, but it felt damn good.

I got about a block down the street and couldn't get anyone to answer their phone to come pick me up, so I finally texted my friend who drove asking her if I needed to find a ride. She responded with no, give me five minutes. so I went to a bar up the street and ordered a beer. Three beers later I began to wonder what had happened to her. After playing phone tag for over two hours, she finally picked me up crying that her boyfriend almost broke up with her (evidently she spent over two hours letting me sit in a bar alone while she tried to keep her relationship goign with the guy who called her good friend worthless. winner.), and asking me to apologize to him.

Dude, I merely called him on the following three things: 1) he thinks he is infallible, 2) he's selfish, and 3) he had the nerve to tell our friends a couple weeks before hand when i was pissed at him for doing a similar thing that he "didn't give a shit if I made her mad". No. I won't apologize for any of that. I meant it, and just because I have the balls to say it to his face doesn't mean it suddenly became wrong.

Ugh. What makes me more upset then anything is that multiple people that I consider friends were all there, and no one said anything. As he spoke for them they sat silent. As he called me a bitch they sat silent. As he called me worthless they sat silent. And when he kicked me out/ I left the apartment they actually let me walk alone down the street in a bad neighborhood.

No no. what really makes me the most upset is that a good friend chose an asshole over me. I've known this girl since we were in second grade. Not hurtful at all.

So now what? I'll never be able to trust any of them again. Including my friend. I'm stuck going to Vegas in two weeks with her and frankly I don't really want to be around her right now. I mean we talked and I sucked it up a bunch, but I let her know I'm not happy. Even she said if I had done the same thing to her she wouldn't talk to me. So I'm being the bigger person, but again that's exhausting.

i did nothing wrong. I know I didn't. But I'm the one who's stuck with the loop in my head. I'm the one who can't work cause I can't get my mind off of it. I'm the one who is now incredibly depressed because I have no apartment, a job I like but pays me shit, no boyfriend, barely any family, and now, evidently, no friends.

I'm back to questioning everything about my personality again. Why is it that people wind up hating me? sure they like me long enough to let me become attached cause I have a friend neediness, but then evidently I become unbearable. Why? What is it about me?

I'm also kicking myself because I know I have friends in Chicago who would have kicked the shit out of him for saying those things to me. I left them...why? I mean I could have made it work out there. It would have been rough but I could have done it. but no I wanted to come back to where my family was and where people were ... nice. I wanted to nurture my friendships here cause this is more so the kind of place i want to raise a family and i knew I needed to make that move now if I wanted the kind of life I see for my future.

But no. i'm clearly an idiot. that was a horribly misguided call. Horrible choice. Nice on me.

And nice how this was actually kept short. But let's not forget people,

I'm worthless.

Tetter-Totters are cute and all...

2008-04-23T13:15:00.000-04:00

It''s been about two weeks since I've posted anything so I figured it's time for a quick update. Sorry for the delay Lucky Readers. I've just been swamped at work and really busy in my personal time. Life, am I right?

So to update about the date I went on. First off, The Ruins, as I thought, was wonderfully, outlandishly awful. Which meant I thought it was hilarious. And the dude I went with thought so to. We had a great time mocking it but afterwards he ran off to work on a spreadsheet (seriously...that's what he did. I found out from a friend.). So I knew that either A) he didn't really think it was a date like I did (this is supported by the fact that I bought my own ticket), or B) he just didn't really dig me that much (supported by the fact that I never got a call from him afterwards).

I think it might be a little of both, but ultimately I think I'm cool with it. As lonely as I am ... and I am...very... I don't want to settle for someone who isn't crazy about me on some level. I'm hearing from people that he's just painfully shy which if that's true I understand. But if I'm not enough to make him want to come out of that shell I'd rather know it now. I think he's a really nice guy and very charming, but I'm okay with nothing further coming from it. Not thrilled, but okay. I'm just happy I went on a date, even if it was only me who thought that was what it was.

Oh, and I saw him again this last weekend with a group of friends. We talked alot while we were at dinner and had a good time doing it (at least I did). I still kind of have some sentimentality there for him so part of me hopes that he may decide that he's interested after all. I mean, I don't think I'm wholly unable to read his signals, and I keep on picking up on something. But I'm not holding my breath.

Sigh. See?

Otherwise I've been doing alot of working out and getting ready for Vegas which is in about a month. Super pumped guys. I've discovered I really like yoga even though it makes my one knee hurt a bit. I think I'm just not strong enough for it yet/not used to it fully. But I'm workin' on it. Wish me lucky with not busting my knee cap open people!

I'm also getting ready to go out to Chicago this weekend (hooray!) for my friend's wedding/Roomie's birthday. Roomie's gonna be my date cause she's awesome and I ain't got no mans. I'm super excited to see her and catch up with some college friends. Roomie andI are totally gonna look hot, eat yummy food, and dance the night away. I also have a realllly cute dress that I look foxy in that I'm pumped to wear. It'll be great.

The most prevalent things for me overall right now, though, are trying to save some money (I've been working for three months and have very little to show for it) and trying not to get low over how lonely I am. I've been good about not even being tempted to fall into that again for months now, which is joyful beyond the telling of it. But I'm worried that this is going to drag me down. I know that being aware of it is, like, 75% percent of the battle, but that other 25% of will power is feeling kind of weak right now.

I just don't understand. Why are the only people who I'm attracted to never interested in me? Oh sure, I can get strange people to come hit on me til the cows come home. But when there is absolutely no mutual attraction it's of no use to me. I know I'm looking good (the best I've looked in years), I'm more emotionally stable than I've been in as long as I can remember, I'm smart, funny, well-rounded...I know anyone would be lucky to have me. It's not a confidence issue.

So...what's the deal?

I just wish I knew what was going on so that either I can fix what I'm doing wrong or be able to understand it and not be upset about it anymore. I've been single for a little over a year now, and while I think that time has been just what I needed to get to know myself and what I want better I'm ready to be done with it now. I feel very alone on an intimacy level and there is no end for that in sight.

But...there's nothing I can do about it except keep on doing what I'm doing. Even if I am finding it exhausting.

Oh...and I really miss my friend that I stopped talking to a couple months ago. A lot. He was the person that I did most of my cultural stuff with in this city. He was also my movie going bud, and there are a bunch of movies coming out soon that I would love to see with him that I have no one else to join me for in this city (Roomie, you know you're my Chicago movie bud forever and ever). I know I did the right thing for myself and I don't question that, but the fact that I still miss him this much and have to keep reminding myself of the aforementioned benefits of the decision really, really sucks. I'm not changing my mind, but I'm also not happy about it.

So to summarize, I'm happy but desperately grasping to the positive side of the spectrum. It won't take much to tip the tetter-totter in either direction, so here's to hoping that this weekend will do the trick and tilt things over to the bright side.

All I need is for a little fat kid to waddle over to that side...

On pins and needles...

2008-04-01T13:47:00.000-04:00

So this is the last you'll hear of the teeth for the foreseeable future. Then I got some news.

I went and got my fillings today, and I was shocked at how efficiently and relatively painlessly everything was done. Much better than my former dentist. But then after the pain killers wore off I thought "Hey! Salad would be a good idea for lunch!", forgetting that everything is uber sensitive right now. I'm such a moron. It really hurts. But I think it went well and I'm happy with the resolution to my situation. Just not the pain caused by munching on hard lettuce leaves.

Now on to happier news.

I'm sure those of you who quasi-regularly read this thing (read as former roomie and her Salt Lake City dwelling friend) know I've been rather lonely for the males lately. I'm happy to report to those loyal Lucky Readers that I have gotten some substantive male attention recently (how sad do I feel writing that by the way) and after about three hours of going on about zombies (he's read World War Z, y'all!), amazingly awful horror movies, comedians, light politics, and then movies again I was urged by my friends to get the number which I very nervously did. After awesome former roomie literally yelled at me (thanks again by the way!) I called and yada yada yada I think I have a date on Saturday! To see The Ruins...cause when I said I think we should either go to Chicago 10 and discuss it afterwards or see The Ruins and make fun of it afterwards he chose the latter...which is so awesome. And so my personality. I love it.

Guys, he's super chill. And I'm super psyched. It's not that I haven't been approached by the fellas. I have. But they've all been dickwads or nerdy nerds or just plan ugly, so I'm thrilled that a guy i consider attractive and funny and well-versed actually seems (i stress that seems bit...don't wanna get my hopes up too much) to dig me. I'm actually quite floored by it.

See you gotta understand something. I'm still socially retarded when it comes to the whole dating game. I think like a 12 year old when it comes to guys I'm actually attracted to. I get all choked up when I talk to them, nervous, and very antsy. That is when I can actually suck it up and say anything. So for me this is a huge step, if nothing else. I honestly think that's what I'm most excited about - that I'm moving myself forward a bit.

So after I went to get my mouth drilled today I went to Filene's to kill time before I had to be back (damnit, you make me take off two work hours for my short appointment, I ain't getting back early) and wound up finding a super cute outfit that I'm gonna wear. I'm gonna go tan a couple days before hand and do my beautifying stuff so that I know I'm looking as foxy as possible. And then I'm going to be confident in my looks, assured of my personality, and totally freaking awesome.

God a 23-year-old should not be this pumped for a simple date. But I am. Cause I'm a nerd.

Send me positive thoughts y'all!

Braces?! Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular! ... More so!

2008-03-24T12:41:00.000-04:00

To update:

Spent the weekend doing pretty much nothing. To use my mother's favorite quote from Office Space, "I did nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be." Seriously, I forgot how nice it is to sleep in until 11 and never have to get out of my pajamas. I cooked a nice dinner for my family on Sunday night and helped my mom clean a bit, but besides that I actually let myself enjoy my weekend rather than running around being all sorts of busy on my days off. I know it's only been around three months since I've taken this job (read as had to stop living a life of leisure in which I rarely had any real commitments but was bored and wicked poor), but I already am beginning to forget how wonderful and blissful it is to worry about nothing.

Sigh. Joys of labor I guess.

I did do two things, though. I met my father for a lunch and a beer and I begged for a bit of help with paying for my teeth to be fixed, which he oh so kindly agreed to with no complaint (He's awesome y'all...nearly as awesome as my mother), and I fully freaked myself out about said dentist appointment. Oh, I was shaking this morning as I drove into the dentist office and while sitting in the chair. Literally.

It wasn't too bad though. He was gentle and soft-spoken. Looked kind of like a polar bear but not as chubby, and he closed his eyes into slants while talking to me about my options which sounds less calming than it was. It was all very laid back and chill. the only thing that really sucked was while he was basically mapping out my mouth with the help of his aid and this really cool computer system he checked all around my gum line with a pointy tool to see how much space there was between my gum line and my tooth. I evidently did well in terms of gum health, Lucky Readers...but that shit hurts! Oh well. It could have been a hell of a lot worse. He joked with me and tried to calm me down a lot, and by the end of the appointment, I actually wasn't clasping my hands together and didn't need to be reminded to breath anymore.

So I need to go back in about a week to get two fillings. This is much better than what my former dentist (who I evidently correctly suspected was trying to rip me off) told me when she said that I needed two more fillings, especially when you consider that this dentist told me that one of the fillings is fixing what she did. So...three of them didn't need to get done lady. And you charged me more than double what this guy is going to for the same work. See... I was right! Ha! Take that internal doubts!

Yea, he says i take great care of my teeth, which I knew but it was fantastic to hear from a dentist. He also said that I have a few more issues, but they aren't that dire and as long as I keep taking care of teeth the way I have been than we just need to watch them and it should be fine. I know it might sound petty, but I love the idea that I have a dentist now who isn't looking to increase his pocketbook, but rather do what is best for me the best way possible. I haven't felt secure in this notion with a dentist ever, and although I'm not 100% convinced yet, I'm beginning to think this might be the case for once.

So in conclusion...good times, surprisingly. Or at least the best possible times for a girl like me who so completely dislikes the notion of someone looking at or touching her teeth.

So...Hooray?

Yep...Hooray.

And yes, that is a completely random Simpson's related tooth quote that has no true baring on my post. but it makes me laugh, so deal with it.

Je déteste mes dents!

2008-03-18T13:25:00.000-04:00

This won't be news to many of my Lucky Readers, since I bitch about it all the time. So I put it in French above in an attempt to make it a bit more interesting at least.

I hate my teeth guys. By accident of birth, I have horribly sensitive gums and my teeth move on their own all the time. Oh, I've had braces, but you really can't tell anymore cause they have a mind of their own. To make matters worse, I also have a fear of the dentist rooting back to several bad dentist experiences that I will spare you, but know that they aren't good.

In the past couple years though I have had to get several cavities filled. Mind you, the sound (hell even the impersonation of the sound) of a dentist drill makes my entire mouth throb. This is upsetting because of all the people I know, I take care of my teeth the best. I brush them two times a day at least, usually three. I floss every night. I rinse with two kinds of mouth wash (one in the morning, one at night), one of which is supposed to help with my weak enamel. There is literally nothing more I can do to take care of my teeth. In fact, I've been told by my family that I probably brush too often cause they think it's strange how much pain I have despite all my efforts.

And yet, I have a greater amount of pain all the time lately. Over the past couple of days it's been utterly miserable. I think one of my fillings fell out, and I can barely talk and eat because cold air hurts it so badly. On top of that, I no longer see my former dentist because she vastly ripped my family off before and we don't want to give her the opportunity to do so again, even if she's been great in terms of understanding my pain issues.

So now I'm going to have to go to a new dentist next Monday, and I know he's gonna probably find some way to yell at me even though I work so hard to take care of my teeth, cause no one believes I do as much as I do to work on them. And I'm sure I have tons of money's worth of work to be done, and he's just gonna be salivating over it. Luckily he's supposed to be very gentle, which is good. But...come on. Why do I need to go through this again?

This visit is really freaking me out people. I'm scared, and nervous, and really worried that I'm gonna loose a tooth or something.

Ugh. Again...Je deteste mes dents!

For Your Enjoyment: Random Thoughts I've Been Having Lately

2008-03-14T13:34:00.000-04:00

I don't know if any of you Lucky Readers out there have any advice or insight about any of these thoughts, but if they are actually beneficial please share them. Otherwise, enjoy this peek into my mind.

How do I start pursuing my desire to be a film critic? What steps are proper? How do I do so without having to interfere too heavily with my work schedules?

Do I say "awesome", "indeed", and "rock star" too much? I mean, they are my three favorite things to say in everyday conversation, with the middle one being my favorite word overall (It's the perfect thing to say to any statement that you remotely agree with, it makes you sound intelligent with the proper inflection, and if you have slight hearing issues like I have from having curved ear canals it helps people think you heard them when you're too embarrassed to admit you haven't), but do I overuse them? Am I killing my love for them by uttering them too frequently?

I'm lonely for a strong male in my life outside of friends and family. Very lonely.

Who am I going to find to be my new weird film seein' buddy in Cleveland now that I'm not talking to the friend I used to do that with?

What would I look like with brown hair? Not like deep mahogany colored, but a light chestnut color. And would it be too much for me (read as hair-lazy individual) to keep up with it if I decided to go that route? And is my skin to pale to make that work?

How does one swim at their gym if said gym allows little kids to interfere with your workout every time you try? And if they hit me in the head with stupid foam things one more time, am I allowed to start dunking them real hard? I mean, it's not technically abuse ... just REALLY strong horseplay...

If I decided to pursue singing in some form, would I actually ever have the courage to perform in front of people? And do I really have a good enough voice for that, or would i be one of those people that gets laughed at softly by observers?

Do I have time to take a film course at my local college? Do i really want to pay for that?

Finally, I have a really good life. I mean really and truly, it rocks. See, I put a bunch of pictures of my friends, family, and pets up in my cube, and the more I look at them the more I realize that my life is great. I have great friends that I do alot of really fun things with, I have a loving supportive family that is really chill, and a great job that will allow me to put up probably too many personal pictures without a peep. Is my life perfect...no. Far from it. But it's cozy and safe feeling, and that makes me incredibly happy. I love all my family and friends deeply, and hope they know that, through and through.

We hear they're calling it ... BLIZZARD! TWENTY OH EIGHT!!

2008-03-10T13:29:00.000-04:00

I was trapped, Lucky Readers. Trapped in a pit of despair, famine, solitude, and pain.

And by pit, I mean lovely charming home that is similar to what I've been picturing me living in for some time now; by despair, I mean laughter and mirth; by famine, I mean yummy delicious healthy food; by solitude, I mean the bubbly company of an extremely kind woman and her lovely pup; and by pain, I mean pleasing comfort of a soft bed and fluffy couch.

A major snow storm/quasi-blizzard hit Cleveland this weekend. This happened on Friday night, when I was finishing my latest stint of house/dog sitting for my boss. I was supposed to leave after I fed the pup Friday, but my boss' flight got canceled, so I agreed to stay an extra day while she and our company's President drove back from Nashville. She got in around 3:00 in the morning, so I decided to stay and get a full night's sleep.

Needless to say, that was a relatively bad call. The storm hit earlier than we thought it would (at least the strong part of it), and by the time morning came around it was clear that I wasn't going anywhere. The roads were impassable and there were near whiteout conditions.

Boo.

So my boss and I went down the street, picked up some groceries, and stayed in for the day eating yummy food, watching The Exorcist 3, and taking turns cuddling with the pup under our respective fuzzy blankets. Although it was a bit awkward at first to be stuck at my boss' house, it was actually great. We bonded a bit more, and found out that we have bunches in common. it wound up being enjoyable and oddly relaxing.

So...hooray. But come on, is that not the strangest thing to have happen? Or if not the strangest, high up there on the "... What!?!?" scale. Ya know, right next to Nessy and the notion that Ted Haggard could end up in Heaven.

Sigh. Silliness...

It's a "Skyrockets in Flight" Under Ice Kinda Post

2008-03-05T12:49:00.000-05:00

Here's a quickie update on the doings a transpirin' in my world.

First off, I love Awesome Roommate. She is amazing. I went to visit her (it was supposed to be a good number of people in Chicago, but it didn't turn out that way. Looks like for the better this time, though so...yay!) and we had an outstandingly fun time. Bought clothes, graphic novels, saw a play so horrible that it was fantastic, met her awesome man, almost got her beat up by a possible drug dealer (sorry again, by the way...), ate two delicious breakfasts, saw my pet nephews, and tried absinthe. It was freaking spectacular. The trip, not the absinthe. Bleck! I love and miss the girl and my city a lot, so it was great to recharge my batteries there for a few days with them.

Had to return to Cleveland where I've been enjoying myself despite the guilt about having to stop communicating with a dear friend (see previous blog). I still feel horrible about that, by the by. Not that I'm expecting to suddenly feel fine about it anytime soon, or be able to go skipping down the lane whistling a merry tune without a care in the world. Cause it is a care. and I don't like it. But it's the best for me and I know it, so...I'll deal.

Sigh. Be an adult sucks.

The only other kind of downer I have right now is I'm about a week away from the anniversary of breaking up with my ex, and this occasion is making me realize just how lonely I am right now. Not even for a full on significant other, at this point. Just for a fella to go to dinner with or cuddle up with while watching a movie. I really hate that I don't have that right now, and the lack of this particular male presence is making me a bit sad. But I'm not delving into crazy over it. So...that's good.

Just wish it wasn't so is all.

Cleveland has decided to be a brat the past couple of days. We got a majorly bad ice storm here followed by large amounts of snow, so traveling has been awful. I mention this for two reasons. 1) to bitch about it and my long commute times, and 2) because I'm going back to my boss' house tonight to watch her pup again, and the bad weather is making me fear that I will destroy her house again (knock on wood...).

Hopefully my near disaster will have been enough of an incentive to be extra-super-special-kid-gloves-don't-touch-the-soft-spot careful about it. But then again, if I count on that then I won't be. So I'm gonna allow this random paranoia. Cross your fingers for me, Lucky Readers. Cause I don't wanna get fired for an inability to not destroy my boss' house.

What? It could happen. That isn't a crazy leap of logic at all.

Finally, in case I forgot to share this joyness to ya, I'm really pumped for mid May, cause me, Neat, and two of our close friends are going to be going back to Vegas. Hooray! We booked the flight and hotel, and I cannot wait for the fun I will be sure to have with my girls. That's a huge motivator for me right now, in terms of getting through the slow days at work, getting my ass to the gym when I'm feeling lazy, and keeping up with my healthy eating habits.

I will lose ten more pounds by May. I will, I will, I will.

So to sum up, things are going well. If I had a man and didn't need to be responsible it would be going better, but I know it will all work out in the end.

Now take a quick shower and get back to work. You don't wanna go back in looking all tusselled.

I'm either a responsible adult, or evil ... I can't decide which it is.

2008-02-28T00:47:00.001-05:00

I've discovered a new aspect of adulthood that sucks: having the maturity to do what's best for you.

Or at least I'm calling it maturity, since I need to find a positive way of looking at this situation before I let it make me feel like a bad person and thereby let the crazy back in. And I don't want that. It has been successfully exiled for about four months now and I'm not looking to break that streak.

I very recently (as in over the last couple hours) have decided to let two of my very close friendships rest for a bit. And the decision is coming with a ton of internal arguments.

I guess I'm not all that worried about the first friendship. Without going into too many details I realized that this person has been my confidant under...let's call them false assumptions. When he realized that I had in fact not been kidding every time that I have corrected the fallacy, he decided to end the charade. Which I guess I can respect, despite my high levels of surprise, frustration, and disappointment. But now I'm feeling a bit hurt by the fact that once again I am so easy to leave behind.

As I've discussed here before, I hate the fact that I am more or less disposable in most people's lives. My family, Neat, and Awesome Roommate are the only people that I think truly would never be able to fully have me out of their life. And while that is fantastic, it's upsetting to me that so many other people that I give my time, energy, and genuine affection to find it so meaningless that they can toss it aside at the drop of a hat.

Which brings me to the second friendship I'm putting on the side. Although here I feel like I'm doing the throwing.

The friendship with this individual has been rough going, but has rather recently reached a pleasant and I feel healthy level. Again sparing details, I've had to do a lot of soul searching while cultivating this friendship, and I feel like I've really grown in the process and because of the choice to have this individual be an active part of my life.

But now this person has made it difficult, through no direct effort on his part. I'll keep the nature of this to myself, but basically this is not the first time actions or a lack of forethought on this person's part have strained our friendship. Over the past few months it's become increasingly difficult to watch these issues unfold. It has become too hard to watch someone so important and valuable to me hurt himself repeatedly, especially when I know their is nothing I can do to help him.

How do I know? Cause I've tried everything I can think of. Sometimes multiple times.

It's been too hard, Lucky Readers, and I have spent hours asking myself what the best thing to do would be. Sadly, I ultimately came to my decision to take some time away from the friendship, and I told this person tonight. He handled it well, being very understanding, which only made it harder.

The worst part is now I am one of those people I've been hurt by. I'm officially moving away from people I care about and (at least for one of them) truly and deeply cares about me. It feels awful. I guess it's a bit different since I'm doing it for a real reason and communicating it, but I know that's only making my guilt worse.

But right now I have to do what's best for me. As selfish as it seems, this time in my life has to be about making a solid foundation for myself. And if my deepest part of my gut is telling me that this is how to do it, then I have to.

It doesn't make it easy. No part of me thought it would ever be enjoyable. Maybe one day these friendships can be renewed and made stronger by this. But regardless of whether that occurs, right now this is what I need. And the adult I'm trying to be knows that that has to trump all.

I just hope they'll be okay without me... so that one of us can be.

I'm a Nerd Magnet who loves her job. I'm what every little girl dreams of being...

2008-02-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

My office kicks ass.

It's been about a month since I started my awesome job (hooray!) and I feel like I have enough perspective now to judge this. Now I can say definitively that it is great for me, and I'm truly happy with how events have played out on the job front for me.

Cool, ain't it? So cool, I feel the need to make a list.

I adore my office for all the following reasons:
A Report By Kendragon
1. It's small (only seven of us right now), so the personnel issues you get with a bigger office aren't an issue.
2. The people are all radio people...meaning they have an entertainment industry mindset sans being overly dramatic, combined with a shoot-from-the-hip business mentality. AKA my kind of people.
3. Two of my bosses are married to each other and have kids together, so we get all national holidays off that school kids get. Woo hoo for no working on President's Day, am I right?
4. My one boss brings in yummy treats for us. Like giant frosted cookies for Valentine's Day. Yum!
5. The office is really laid back, meaning that we don't have to dress to impress (I do anyway) and as long as we get our work done no one has a problem with people having random conversations.
6. Everyone's just as cynical as I am and has the same taste in arts things as me...something I haven't been able to find thus far in Cleveland.
7. My most direct boss is an amazing lady. Not only does she have a Chihuahua named Toadie that I dog sit for, but when I go over to do that she doesn't get pissed when I channel Mighty Thor and destroy her house (see previous blog...and to update on that, she said it was no big deal and not to worry about it cause it was already broken...I'm freaking lucky, y'all.). She has taught me a huge amount and truly wants to see me succeed. She genuinely thanks me for everything I do which you would think would be irritating but is oddly refreshing. And finally, she brought me in a glass to keep at my desk after I mentioned that I liked using one when I was house sitting for her because she thought it was cute that I said it made me feel like I was drinking from a Mason Jar. She's fucking awesome.

Ya, my job's great. And I'm super fantastically pleased about it. Yay!!!

On a fairly unrelated note, I recently had an epiphany. I think I figured out why I ain't got no mans right now.

I'm a nerd magnet.

The only people that seem to be attracted to me instantaneously anymore are simply put huge dorks. I think this is because I'm a girl who's educated, knows all the same random pop culture they do (read as Family Guy/Simpsons/Futurama references, cult movie knowledge, and general cursory information about comics, comix, and graphic novels), has a crass, self-deprecating sense of humor with a twinge of a black streak, and by standard social definitions is above averagely attractive in a girl next door sense but to nerds is gorgeous since I'm probably the prettiest girl who's ever talked to them beyond general politeness.

Not that I dislike any part of me that attracts these fellas, who aren't bad guys by the by. It's just...I'm not at all attracted to how these kinds of guys stereotypically look. The kind of guys I like are one of two: 1) the lighter end of frat boy jocks, 2) the cleaned up, well dressed version of rock loving, jean wearing boys next door. Problem there...those guys are either huge assholes who I don't want to talk to me...ever (besides most of them like the "Oh my God! You're soooooooo cute! If you talk to me I'll be so impressed with your jockular quips that I'd be stupid to not sleep with you and I totally won't care if you never call me again just as long as when you come by for a booty call you praise me and pet me like the shaking, overly preened little poodle I am!" girls, which I am most definitely not...it works out well), or are so nice and kind that they have wonderful, gorgeous, kind girlfriends already and I'm SOL.

There have only been two times when the path between those who find me attractive and those who I find attractive have met in any real way. And both ended rather sadly but with friendships still in tact. Swell outcome I guess, but doesn't really do me much good.

So what's a girl to do? I'm a freaking catch but can't find someone to share my time with (all I'm asking for at this point, really). I'm smart, witty, attractive, and talented. I have a great job and great friends. I'm driven and have goals for my life that I'm working towards. I have so much going for me...

Oh wait, the only guys interested in that kind of girl are dorky nerdy nerds. Sigh.

Oh well. I love my job. It's fantastic. Guess that'll do for now.

Don't freeze Mighty Thor's doors shut!

2008-02-13T13:58:00.000-05:00

Apparently I'm Mighty Thor.

I learned this because I broke a house today. And I figure the only character that can do that without being super ugly is Thor. I mean have you seen the man? Long luxurious locks of flowing blond hair and huge muscles. I'll take that over the Hulk (green), The Thing (bumpy due to rock formation), or Superman (asshole) any day.

Yes, yes. I smashed a bit of a house today. Only a bit, but none the less. And to top off the awesomeness, it was my boss' house.

Freaking winner. That's what I am.

You see, I've been dog/house sitting for my boss while she's been out of town for the past three days. Up until this morning everything was great. But last night the already bad weather turned south and there was freezing rain. Naturally, this would be one of only four or five days this past year that my car has been outside for bad winter weather. So of course my car doors froze shut. All four of them. Which I discovered this morning on my way out the door.

After four buckets of hot water my one door popped open. But by then I was already late for work. I kind of wasn't paying the best attention as I backed up and wound up hitting the corner of her house with my mirror. I cracked a piece of her siding about a foot and broke the bottom half of her gutter.

Yea. I'm big. I'm bad. I'm destructive. Get me mad (i.e. freezing my car doors shut), and I get even! For I am ... MIGHTY THOR!!!!!!

Or rather I feel like a jack ass and am not looking forward to telling her about it later. Of course I'm going to offer to pay for the damages which sucks in and of itself, but I'm also not looking forward to disappointing her.

Which to me says something. If I didn't like/respect her, I'd be upset but only about the money, more or less. But since I think she's a pretty chill lady, I'm freaking kicking myself. I just hope this doesn't make her think differently of me. That would...well suck. Hardcore.

So here's a lesson for you Lucky Readers:

When backing out of driveways, make sure you watch the most expensive thing around. Cause the minute you take your eyes off it, that's when you'll hit it. And although that will make you into a gorgeous superhero based off of mythology, it's not nearly as fun a manifestation to exist in as it sounds.

After all, superheros are tortured souls. As a rule.

This is why.

Six Word Memoir

2008-02-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

While listening to NPR this morning at work, I heard about a book coming out based off a challenge given to Earnest Hemingway: write a story using six words. He came up with, "For Sale. Baby shoes. Never used."

Umm... awesome.

So these two editors decided to put forth a challenge to people to write their own personal story using just six words. The responses I heard were powerful, witty, and touching. And they made me think what my six word memoir would be.

So I wrote one.

Enjoy.

Spark nearly extinguished. Blowing on embers.

The superstitious side of me is knocking on wood...

2008-02-06T22:10:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna do something that until rather recently has been unusual for me, Lucky Readers. Ya ready?

For once I can start out a post saying everything is going just plain peachy. Not fantastic and crazy woo hoo. Not sad and depressing and stagnant. Rather simply pleasant.

Isn't that freaking awesome?

I'm not Ms. Sad Sack being eaten alive by my crazy. I'm not stagnantly going through life unable to find a direction. Naturally I'm also not on cloud nine, or singing from the rooftop at dawn to greet the sun with equal amounts of brightness via my aura.

No no. I'm content. Let's say on cloud seven. And I think that's better than both other options to be frank. Cause the one is...well depressing. And the other is to good to be sustained, and the threat of it coming down is no good. Yea. I like my middle of the road contentment in comparison.

To break it down ...

I have a great job that I really like working with really down people where the only thing that could make it a touch better would be to earn a bit more money (but who doesn't say that?). I have great friends in two amazing cities who I truly value, and then I have enough well wishing acquaintances to make life interesting. I love my family deeply and I'm getting along great with all members.

On the more South side of the spectrum, I have a shit car that I feel like is going to blow up any day. I don't have a man to even see casually much less date. The perfect guy that I met the other day is so damn perfect that I'm afraid to even think about trying to talk to him about going on a date. I'm stuck working a crap second job because I want to have a bit of side cash for doing things with friends but I for the most part hate it (read as the people are great but the work is so repetitive and dull that I hate going to events). I'm still pretty much poor and by the end of the year I'll be doing good to have a wee little bit of savings.

But then again I have enough to start planning a great rest of my year. This includes going back to Vegas in May with Neat and two of my other girls, and getting pre-order tickets to a whole bunch of great concerts that range from Kenny Chesney to Tom Petty to moe. And probably the most randomly exciting thing is I'm going to FINALLY get to visit my beloved Chicago in a bout three weeks!!! I'll get to see awesome roommate!!! And Charlie!!! And my box office!!! And my puppy and kitten nephews!!!

JOY!!!!!!

Tee hee. It makes me happy.

Basically there's not so wonderful things occurring, but they 1) don't nearly compare with the previous badness I've chronicled here, and 2) pale in comparison to all the good news. So to sum up...it's going pleasantly well, Lucky Readers. Could be better. But that's okay. I'm cool with it.

And that's freaking great.

Oh...and a friend of mine also introduced me to superdickery.com that showcases the assholishness of Superman. Hence the photo for this post. LOVE IT!!!

I officially own my own little geometric shape. The welcome wagon left me a fruit basket yesterday.

2008-01-23T21:10:00.000-05:00

So I'm about half way through my second week at work and I must say I love it!!!! I mean I seriously adore the position.

I love the people in the office, the type of work we do, and the way we do it. I felt comfortable, accepted, and at home within the second day and confident in my abilities by the end of the first week. I already can joke around with my coworkers/boss and we've all found several common interests - the coolest of which being a similar taste in film.

I even like my little cubicle. It has a window on one side that looks out on some trees (...and another company's loading dock, but I'll take it anyway) and I put up some pictures and have made it my little nook. Joy!

What's kind of rough though is they definitely are throwing me into the deep end, and I don't get the feeling that I'll be wadding in the kiddie pool any time soon. I mean by the end of the second day I was already being sent tasks by every member of the office (note, there are only seven of us total right now, but still...), being given several big projects by my boss, and being sent tons of emails everyday with information to keep our database up-to-date.

I mean...wow.

Not that I'm complaining. Much to the contrary I'm thrilled. I love that everyone feels confident enough in my abilities to trust me with so much work. Plus I've always said that i would rather be busy than bored, so it's all fitting with that theme.

And apparently I'm impressing my boss by being able to keep up with things as well as I have been. Yesterday she jokingly told me that it's all my fault that I've been getting so much work, because I've proven that I can handle it. I find that funny cause I don't really think I've been working all that hard. I guess I just can't help myself in the over reaching department.

Oh, and then there's the head guy who is very intense, but in a good way. On my first day he pulled me into his office to tell me that he, my boss, and the other important person who hired me were all really impressed by me during the marathon three hour interview and found me to be rather intelligent (great compliment), and that because of that they were expecting me to really learn our rather complicated database system as soon as possible so that I can figure out some ways to make it work more efficiently for us. Mind you, our IT guy hasn't been able to do this in about four years so.. no pressure.

And speaking of no pressure from my head guy, he also told me yesterday that if I can figure out how to customize the database for us I'll get a big bonus. You know why? Cause if I do I'll be keeping them from having to bring in a consultant from the company that made the database, since the company claims that it has to be done specially.

I don't know whether to be complimented by the fact that he thinks I am that damn good, or worried that he somehow thinks I'm capable of such silliness.

But I'll try for it. And try to get used to the mountain of work that I apparently am going to be getting every week. And keep working to the best of my abilities.

Cause I really like this job Lucky Readers. This fast, this strongly, I truly do.

So on my first day, do I take a shiny apple for the boss lady? Is that proper form?

2008-01-13T00:52:00.000-05:00

So in a mere 33 hours guess what I start? It's super exciting!!!!!

I GOT A JOB!!!

'Bout damn time if you ask me. My first day is Monday and I am beyond relieved. I need the money and the ability to do something different with my days besides helping my mom around the house and looking for jobs. Seriously, that got old real fast.

The job is with a small but really chill company and its in the entertainment vein so that's exciting. And it's at he same desk every day, which after a couple of the job interviews I went on is a huge relief. I'm just super pumped and feeling like an adult without feeling old so I'm thrilled, thrilled, thrilled!

Oh! Oh! And don't forget, this job means that I can realistically think about going back to Vegas with Neat and getting out to Chicago finally to see everyone who I miss so, so very much, which are two of the most exciting thoughts ever! Hooray!!!!!!!

But what people say about dates and jobs is totally true; you need one to be offered one. I've gotten tons of semi-real calls/e-mails from legit companies, and the boss that I worked for most recently (ya know, the one who wants to hire me but just doesn't have the work) now wants me to do things for pay. It's great in theory, but enraging in the sense that I spent six months hoping and wishing and laboring for the chance to even get one of those, and now they come pouring in just days too late!

Grrr.

Still, I'm super pumped and can't wait for Monday. I just hope I don't embarrass myself or something. Not that I would, knock on wood. It's just how these kind of situations usually play out in my head. What can I say, I'm paranoid. Just part of the crazy I guess.

Anyway, wish me luck Lucky Readers! Hopefully I won't need too much of it...

Nothing beats the hobo life/Stabbing folks with my hobo knife. Oh, no need to worry, I'm just having fun with you no-bos!

2008-01-06T23:07:00.000-05:00

So I think I'm gonna find out what it's like to be a hobo soon. Check that life goal off of my list now!

Remember that one job I thought was going to come through and be awesome? Well...it didn't. But I did get an oh-so-not-really-useful "Two members of my board of directors saw some of your work and said to hire you immediately, but we just don't have work for ya so suck it! Ha ha! Oh, and that hiring bonus for the month you worked without pay...yea you only get that if you are fully hired, so you get jack. Tee hee! I'm such a cad!"

I may have paraphrased.

But now I'm going to get to take this setback as an opportunity to put all my belongings into a giant hankie and tie the ends to a stick so that it makes it easy to throw them into a moving train car as i run alongside it, trying to get far enough ahead of it so that I can jump in without hurting myself so that i can ride the rails to my next adventure. And on the way I can do jigs for lunch meat and swap stories for sponge baths. Wee hoo!!

In reality I'm totally not mad at the dude I want to be my boss. Actually, I respect him bunches for being straight with me every step of the way. It's just rough as shit to have someone tell you that they love your work and they are completely impressed by you and to have it not count for anything.

Even rougher (albeit positive in it's own right) thing I found out from this whole job experiment is that I really, really like the advertising end of marketing. I mean, I knew I enjoyed marketing, but I didn't know what direction I wanted to go with under that umbrella besides definitely not sales, so knowing this is great. But knowing that this is what I want makes it that much tougher to have it held just out of my reach...taunting me.

It's like when I'm playing with a string with my cat.

Ohhhhh poor Kendragon! Is the great-job-in-the-field-you-love too high? Maybe I'll lower it just a bit...OH!!!! Too slow!

And yes I still have the street team job with the radio station, but I really don't like it. It's not so much the work that sucks, but rather the horrible inconsistency of it. I mean, I can't even pay for my gas with it, which was why I took the not so great job in the first place. That and I thought it would be a good "in" at a radio station, but that's proving to be a bad plan since no real jobs are ever posted.

Sigh.

So I'm still, still, STILL looking for work and going out of my gourd. But I may have a lead, knock on wood, and that'll be nice if that comes through, knock on wood. I just can't go on anymore bad interviews.

I went to one last week for a "marketing" company. You know, the crappy sales companies are getting really good at making themselves sound like legit marketing firms. That's how I get to these interviews in the first place. Then I figure out during the process that the company is either crappy or basically a pyramid scheme. Par example, at this interview I laughed as I stated how silly I think it is that sales companies try to pass themselves off as marketing firms. Ya know, thinking that someone in HR for a marketing firm would understand my frustration. Instead I get a blank stare as the woman who I soon learned was a complete and total ditz says, "But...marketing is sales."

UGHHH!!!! It's like saying that a bus is a Porsche! I mean yes, they both get ya to where you need to be... but a bus is about getting you there with the huddled masses while a Porsche moves an individual with speed and class. It's just...not the same!

But anyway, I'm going crazy and poor at the same time. It's getting rough to do anything involving money right now, and to make things worse Neat is already talking about going back to Vegas and really wants me to come with her since we had such an amazing time, which I would love to do, but can't afford without a job, so...hooray.

The whole situation I'm in is just depressing. Luckily it's not triggering the crazy, but I'm terrified that it will. I'm just thankful that my friends and family have been great and awesome and patient with me. I mean, my dad has really started to step up to the plate, my mom and her fella have been wonderful since I've moved back in nearly every sense of the term, and my friends are trying to be really chill in their own little ways. I mean, it may not seem like a huge thing to everyone else to have your friends buy you a drink cause they know you can't afford a second one (that's right, I only allow myself one drink when we go out and that's only when I can get it for $5 or less CAUSE I'M POOR!!!!), but it's a biggie to me.

Speaking of family, my sister, her boy, and the kiddies came out between Christmas and New Years and it was amazing fun. Except for the night when I got woken up with one of the littl'uns puking next to my head and then proceeding to do the same down a hallway which I didn't know about until I slipped in it. Umm gross. And a nice reminder of the joys of parenthood. but besides that it was a great trip and I was thrilled to see them. i love that bunch of people more than I can say, y'all.

So now I will end this whining session. Wish me luck Lucky Readers as I try to find a job, which hopefully will not take another six months.

Ugh. Depressing.

Who said regression is a bad thing?

2007-12-10T12:43:00.000-05:00

This whole being an adult and finding a job and being responsible thing is for the birds.

I've been out of school for nearly six months now (terrifying thought, y'all) and I still don't have a real job. I mean, I'm working with a radio station and doing very unglamorous street team work since ... ya know ... it's an "in" at a radio station, and I'm nearly at the end of a month long trial holding period thing with a marketing and advertising firm that I really want to work for, but it's not where I thought i would be six months out of college.

I know, I know, I'm totally not strange here in terms of the job. Sadly I'm pretty much the norm, give or take a month or so. It's just so frustrating. And embarrassing to have to admit to other people. Sure, it's something that is a part of growing up and become an adult and all those other Hallmark card-esque statements, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Top that joyousness off with the fact that I only just got health insurance today (I got cut off five months ago from my dad's, and I've been looking for a plan that isn't shit ever since), I'm in the process of filling out paperwork to defer my enormous student loans cause of the aforementioned lack of jobness, I'm searching for, finding, and filling out the paperwork for some unclaimed funds of mine, doing my Christmas planning and shopping, and trying to keep in shape and I think you Lucky Readers of mine can see why I think Peter Pan may have had a good idea.

So my new mission is to work on finding a way to regress back to the few perfectly wonderful years of my childhood that I had (ya know, before school and divorce came into the picture) when the most I had to worry about was what board game I was going to play with my sister and whether or not it was warm enough to ride my bike or not.

Any guidance on how to do that? Anyone?

To summarize...the Kendragon is doing fine.

2007-11-27T01:31:00.000-05:00

So, so many things to update my Lucky Readers on. Craziness.

So I've been a horrible blogger and have allowed catching up with friends and family/searching for a job/being very-mildly-yet-none-the-less depressed keep me from blogging. Shame upon my head. To make amends, i shall now give a short and sweet summary of what has been happening in my world since graduation.

I came back to Cleveland and almost immediately felt I had made the wrong decision. Although i loved being around my friends (especially Neat - she and awesome roommate are by far the two most important non-family members in my life) and getting to spend time with my family, I couldn't help but miss the people that I love in my other city. Add to that that the job market in Cleveland was even worse than I thought it would be and I very quickly began to kick myself. I applied for countless jobs in both Chicago and Cleveland (at least ten a day for about two months at the peak) with responses only from a few companies that I would rather be poor than work for. It was very, very upsetting to turn down jobs while not having money, and even worse when I got rejected for jobs I didn't even want in the first place. Grr, ya know what I mean?

Needless to say that when I hit the three month mark of this I began to get slightly depressed. Add to that that I decided to stop taking my meds (partly for cost effectiveness as well as seeing if I truly needed them anymore ...turns out I'm good for now, although if I do ever need them again I will not hesitate to start up again under doctor's orders) and I wasn't doing too great for a bit there. But after five months of hard searching and patience I found a job. Actually two. A part-time gig doing street team work (unglamorous but a fabulous in at a great radio station) and a potential full-time one working with an advertising and marketing firm (I'm in a trial period holding pattern thing for another week or so before I find out ... wish me luck!). I'm happily going to juggle both and i feel really good about it. Now I'm feelling really good about my decision, and although I still want to get back out to Chicago some time soon, I'm not feeling like a fool for not taking the risk of staying in Chicago with no money.

On the family front everything has been more or less fantastic. My sister is doing marvelously and I've actually gotten to see her two times with a third coming up very soon. This is the most I've seen of her in one year since she moved away for college! My father can be frustrating at times, but overall he's great, and my mother has been outstandingly supportive - more so than I thought she would be. So...great, right?

So things have been good. I wish I had a fella to call my own, but at the same time I'm completely loving being single. I mean, I went to Vegas and got to flirt with cute guys and have an amazing time with abandon and no concern for who would get upset. I even got to kiss a firefighter while there. Cross fantasy number 25f (kissing a firefighter who spends all day running into burning building and saving kittens and babies...or thats what I choose to believe he would be doing) off the list of things I would love to have happen in my life.

The only thing that has been a little sticky has been on the friend front. Now don't get me wrong, i adore all my friends out here and wouldn't trade any of them for anything. However, they can be a trial at times. Some are causing needless drama while others are being downright moody. There's jealousy and gossip and heartbreak. It's frustrating, but since it's only a fraction of the time that we spend together I'm finding it easy to deal with. I just focus on all the times when we're having amazing fun and doing heart warmingly wonderful things, i.e. picking out pumpkins for the fall, going to Haunted Houses around Halloween, going to the beach, having fire pits, watching baseball, and going dancing downtown. And I can do that cause luckily I have been smart enough to keep out of it, more or less. Hooray!

Yes, Lucky Readers, things are actually going well for me, knock on wood. Not as fabulous as they could be, but I'm getting there. After a fairly rough summer I'm feeling fine about where I am, what I'm doing, and I'm beginning to get an idea of where I'm going. Since I like to have direction, I think that that is just enough to make me declare that I am pleasantly and simply content.

Now I shall lay back in my easy chair and sip my warm apple cider while I watch Good Eats and look at icanhazcheezburger.com.

Ahhh...sip...content sigh.

Let's call this my blogging mulligan.

2007-10-16T16:52:00.000-04:00

As per awesome roommate's request...

List 5 things that certain people (who are not deserving of being your friend anyway) may consider to be "totally lame," but you are, despite the possible stigma, totally proud of. Own it.

1. I adore bad reality tv shows. Hear me? ADORE THEM!!!! I used to be ashamed of it, but no longer. It is my vice and I figure it's much better than smoking and drinking too much and other bad vices, so hooray for me.

Do I love...

So You Think You Can Dance? I'm white, so I know I can't. But I wish I could be an angel like those on the show.
American Idol? Amazing. If only for the auditions.
Intervention? I can stop watching whenever I want to ... just one more episode.
Project Runway? You are the metro male in my tv land.
America's Next Top Model? More fierceness than any other fierce thing ever fierced.
Dog the freaking Bounty Hunter? Two words...bear mace! Go with Christ, bra.

Yes. Yes I do.

2) Collages. I love looking at beautiful ones like all those on velvet-and-rust.com which i feature in my blog regularly. But more importantly I make them. And I think they look pretty damn good. For me it's therapeutic and very zen. I can't really draw. And I definitely can't paint. But I do know what looks powerful and moving and when I can't take a picture of it I have no choice but to make it.

3) Speaking of taking pictures, I carry my camera on me at pretty much all times. Mostly cause before I had it, I would always say, "Damn! I wish I had a camera right now!" I like to capture my life without being removed from it. My camera lets me do that. I guess that may not seem lame to everyone, until I point out that I have about 2,000 pictures on my computer right now, and have only had it for about a year. Maybe more, actually... Oh! And I edit pretty much all of them before sending them to friends. This includes red-eye reduction, color editing, etc. It can take hours for big batches. But I adore it.

4) I know way too much random trivia. Not only that, but I often get the unstoppable urge to share it with people who probably don't care about it, one way or the other. Most of it is about entertainment, and in particular film and television. I quote the Simpsons all the time, for instance. All-the-time. Not only that, but I constantly I am filling my head with new stuff. I love watching movies while hitting the IMdB page for it and reading the trivia section.

Furthering this lameness, I've talked with a couple of my friends about starting a team to go to the next pop trivia bowl. Why did we decide to do this, you ask? Because all three of us separately watched the latest one on VH1 and knew most of the answers. And when we realized that the only section we didnt have down hard was The Brady Bunch, we decided that we needed to at least give it a second thought.

It's where my nerdiness prevails more than anyone else's. And I'm damn proud of it.

5) I want to write critical reviews. Specifically ones for movies. That's right. I want to be a film critic. People give me the strangest looks when I mention that. Either they are thinking to themselves that film critics are totally lame nerds or they are thinking that it's a silly thing to want to do. But for as long as I can remember I have loved watching movies and talking about them. Plus I love writing more than just about everything. And when I took a criticism class the reviews i wrote were praised heavily by one of the best critics in Chicago, let alone the Midwest. It's a dream of mine that will come true in some capacity some day. And when that happens, guess who'll be happy. Me, that's who!

Now i'm supposed to pass this on to five more people, but I don't know that many that blog. So this shall end with me. But I will continue to update this more frequently than once every three months. I promise.

Look at me! I'm happy and content! WEE!!!

2007-07-05T19:55:00.000-04:00

Okay ... so it's been about a month since I've written on here. So I'm going to give you a hopefully brief update.

Essentially, I am now a college graduate. The ceremony was wonderful and surprisingly fun and I was thrilled to see my family. They helped me to move out of my Chicago apartment and I returned to Cleveland. I desperately miss Chicago and all of my friends there. I wish i could just walk down to the beaches on the nice days and spend my nights hanging out in dive bars with my bestest buddies. But they're there. I'm here. Hopefully I'll be there for a visit soon. But until then, here I stay.

But, I am incrediblly happy to be back in Cleveland. I'm having a lot of fun with my friends out here who are all happy to have me back. We've been exploring parts of the city that I either forgot existed or never knew did, so it's turning out to be quite the adventure. I'm getting closer to my family again, and I'm enjoying the simple things like getting to drive my car and sit outside near fire pits. It's been fabulous.

My girl Neat and I are having amazing fun together. Going to concerts, going downtown to clubs and dancing, seeing fireworks go boom into the night sky ... it's all been amazingly fun! We've also been planning our trip to Vegas (woohoo!), which I think will be super cool. We have another friend joining us and I have a feeling that it will be even more awesome because of it. I simply can't wait. Oh! And I think I will be going out to St. Louis with my family for a little trip to a man-made lake. It's supposed to be super cool, and it should be fun. So...vacations ho!

Overall I've taking care of myself very well. Emotionally I've been more or less relaxed, calm and even keeled. I had one minor argument with a friend that I won't really get into but i don't feel like it was my fault. But nonetheless, I've been keeping balanced and in a good, happy place. As for my physical being, I've been doing good with that. I've been cooking alot, eating well, working out, and I've lost nearly ten pounds. Now if I could only keep it off...

I'm enjoying this bit of downtime that I have between school and beginning to work. Speaking of which, there hasn't been much progress in this department. Until today that is. I had an interview with a company that I would love to work for. I'd be selling ad space, but doing so with individualized packages and with lots of flexibility. I'm super excited about the possibility of working with this company. And the fact that the interview went swimmingly well doesn't hurt at all. I even have another interview setup for tomorrow with them in another branch, so I'm pretty sure that they are interested in me. At least that's what I hope for.

So basically, good things right now. Hooray!

Kendragon may take the floor to present its resolution...

2007-05-30T14:34:00.000-04:00

I bring to the floor a resolution. If someone is looking to my blog hoping to find hurtful and horrible information about him/her, they should realize that this is hurtful/insulting and would never happen, and furthermore make a point of not calling me to complain and make demands after he/she tries REALLY, REALLY hard to misconstrue a compliment I gave said person (after I was given permission to write about him/her) into an insult.

All those in favor ...

But I'm not going to name/insult the individual who did not abide by the points of this resolution. Because I'm not going to give said individual the satisfaction of doing exactly what said person was looking for. I will, though, state that I find both the action and the very idea that anyone could for a minute think that I would/could public defame an acquaintance that has done me no harm hurtful and disturbing.

Oh! And did I mention that this came on the same day that I got a rejection letter from the job that I most wanted to date. A cold, generic letter that met me just minutes before I was going to call the company to follow up on my application. Yea. The job hit came about an hour before the aforementioned call. Great, great couple of hours. But that's all I will say about that.

Otherwise things are good right now. Stressful, but good. My days are filled with simple things but a lot of them. So essentially they are long and fairly boring. But it's cool. I'm a mere week away from being a college graduate, and about two and a half away from being back home.

Super-duper-happy-excitied, Lucky Readers.

On top of the, Neat and I just solidified when we are going to Vegas, and although it won't be as soon as I previously thought, the fact that we are going and at a much cheaper rate then we thought before (reason for postponing...) makes it totally and completely cool to me.

But I'm trying not to get too excitied about things to come. For now I'm focusing on the present; including my presentation that is to start in just about an hour, the meeting I have to attend tonight, writing my Capstone paper and preparing for a presentation tonight, compiling notebooks of previous work to try and help me get a job, working out, helping a friend make a business plan with only a little experience with it myself, and thinking about packing my stuff.

And that's only what I'm doing before the family converges on Chicago to steal me away from the city, at which point all new craziness will begin.

And now I'm speaking in stereotypical blogger tones. See! This is what stress does to me...

I would say it's the end of an era ... but that's cheesy, isn't it?

2007-05-26T16:21:00.000-04:00

You know what I'm doing as I write this? Hmm? Do ya?

I'm working my last shows at the Reskin aka my box office. I have less than a week as the Ass BOM (best job title ever), and this makes me extremely sad. I love working here. And I love who I work with. It's been tons of good times and I simply hate that I can never legitamately come here for a shift again.

That's how much I like this job, Lucky Readers.

But it's not like I'm leaving for no reason. I'm about to graduate and move out of this phase of my life. I'm going to be going back to Cleveland to start a (read this next part as chipper and upbest as possible for full effect) ... new adventure! Hooray! I'm apparently a thirteen year old girl in a Judy Blume book.

Rather I am going back home for comfort's and finance's sake. But none the less, I'm doing something different than my current norm (although it is arguablly a norm in a different sense...but..whatevs) and hopefully I will be given the opportunity to do something really great with my time as soon as I get there.

And now the cheesy girl-in-a-new-city montage starts with 80's pop music playing behind me as I look at the sights around me with an overly enthusiastic grin as lighting spotted directly on my eyes gives them an angelic yet winsome glint, unpack my boxes and laugh when the dog grabs/runs off with my favorite sweater, and walk arm-in-arm with my friends into the frame which is getting closer and closer to my face before it freezes on my toothy, white smile.

Anyway...

I'm am getting pumped about Cleveland though. Chicago will be a fond, fond memory and hopefully I will return some day for more than a short visit to see my friends. But I'm all about the Cleveland. Everything about it. Except not having a job. Oh, if only I had a job. Sigh.

But the friends and the family being around will be amazing. Although I am going to have to do my best to stay out of the bad behaviors that it has taken me so long to break out of. I've realized over the past few weeks that I use them as coping mechanisms in different of stressful situations. And usually going back home triggers both. Although I know that Cleveland isn't the reason why I started to be all crazy in the first place, I fear what will happen if I don't watch myself and fall into old patterns. So I'll watch that. And then it won't happen. And then I'll be happy. And then everyone will be happy.

See...it's an easy solution.

So what did we learn today? Well, we learned that leaving a job you love/people you love is always sad. We learned that being excitied about moving is always awesome. We learned that movie cliches are fun to write down (and hopefuly to read). And finally we learned that keeping crazy in check by watching triggers is going to be beneficial to me and by proxy the rest of the world.

We learned alot today kiddies. Good job keeping up. Gold stars for everyone!

Oh, and I made the picture about a year ago. At work. Sigh.

Kendragon pulls into the final stretch

2007-05-23T18:08:00.000-04:00

So ... I'm getting into the last days of college. And the fact that I can say that makes me nervous. But happy nervous. Good nervous. Life-about-to-change nervous.

But that kind of goes without saying don't it?

Otherwise I've been super happy for the past few days. Oh, except for the fact that Subway has decided to keep my credit card. Or rather I forgot it there cause the woman ringing me out was being incrediblly slow and strange about the way she did it so I got confused and rushed out. And when I went back to get it they "didn't know where it was - it could be in 10 places! tee hee!" So I had to cancel my card, which is fun.

But anyway!!!!

Everything else - great! I'm still planning the trip to Vegas with Neat (although that might be held off on for a bit to save money - but it will happen!), getting ready for family to come out to Chicago, getting ready for the big move to Cleveland, applying for jobs (not extremely frustrated so far...), planning a going-away party, and overall just enjoying the rest of my time in Chicago.

And I'm in the box office for pretty much the last time. I have only one week left and although it will be extremely busy this week, I'm fairly sad about the leaving overall. I love my coworkers and will miss them tons. I'll miss us finding ways to entertain ourselves. Like teaching my coworker who is originally from Israel about country music. Or making fun of vloggers on YouTube. Or mocking annoying patrons (that's right. if you are annoying or say something silly when calling into a box office, we will be polite to you while on the phone, but will mock you as soon as you can't hear us.).

But the end of that era aside, I'm getting to the excitied place for graduation and enjoying the fact that my meds are clearly working (knock on wood, toss salt over my shoulder, etc.). I've been consistently level for the past two weeks and I'm beginning to think that it isn't coincidence. For this I am exceedingly grateful.

So I'm off to enjoy some of the last time I have at work. And then I will enjoy some of the last time I have in school. And then I will enjoy some of the last time I have in Chicago.

Cause it's starting to flee y'all. Fast.

Sporadic joy is the sweetest of all joyness

2007-05-14T14:37:00.000-04:00

Okay. I'm happy. And for once it's for no reason whatsoever. And that makes me happier. Although there is a reason for the -er part of that. But that's not important...

I was at my doctor's this morning and she asked me how the last week had been. And for once I was able to honestly say good. She was obviously happy for me, but wanted me to identify what was different. And for once I couldn't identify anything. The more I thought about it I realized that the last week had simply been good. No muss, no fuss.

And this makes me so thrilled. Happy. Me. For no reason. This truly deserves a greatly felt, healthy huzzah!

Maybe this means that my meds are finally working. Maybe this means that therapy is helping. Maybe it means that I am finally beginning to get out of my long-term low. Maybe its a combination of all of them. Whatever it is, I don't care. And I'm not going to kill it with questions.

Be happy for me Lucky Readers. Add some happiness to my stockpile that I have recently decided to form.

Beyond that, though, I'm excitied about a few other things. Ever since I decided to go back to Cleveland I have been becoming increasingly happy about the choice. I'm planning summer time fun with my friends, making vague plans with my family, get excitied about summer events that I have come to associate with the season (read as art festivals, rib cook-offs, and outdoor concerts), and planning a vacation with one of my best friends ever, ever.

Yes, my best girl whom I will call Neat (as in an old, 1950s-ish way of saying awesome and super cool) and I are finally going to go to Vegas. Neat and I have been trying to find a way that I can join her on her pretty much annual vacation to the city of sin. She has invitied me every year for the past three and I have never been able to go because of either timing or money. But this year I decided that I am going to go no matter what. I have the time right now (you know, with the whole no job in Cleveland yet thing) and if I start saving now I can afford it.

So we're going. It's going to be me and Neat taking over the town. Just shortly after my graduation at that, so it'll pretty much be the best graduation gift ever. And I'm wicked excitied. Now it's just a matter of making arrangements and whatnot. But that should actually be kind of fun. WEEEEEEEE!

Finally, I am really proud of my family right now. Everyone is pushing really hard to try and help me find a job. I know that shouldn't really be surprising, but it kind of is. They normally just kind of let things happen and don't really take an active role. But they are telling their friends about me, distributing my resume to as many people as possible, and in generally being very awesome about it. This pleases me muchly.

So to sum up ... Kendragons are happy. And dancing around adorablly in celebration, as is their custom.

Everyone say awwwww.

Here it is! Justification for part of my crazy. Enjoy!

2007-05-07T22:33:00.000-04:00

I hate feeling alone. Isolated. Abandoned. Rejected. And I find more and more all the time that I feel all these things.

I've been talking to my therapist alot over the past monthish about why I have this whole rejection thing. And basically all I have come to realize is that I have every reason to feel so. It's not just in my head. And surprisingly, that is the most depressing thing of all.

I have been rejected heavily by my peers. Multiple times. Beginning in elementary school, continuing through middle school, and persisting in high school. And then starting all over again in college (apparently I'm not hip enough to hang out with the drug addict drama queens...hmmm, maybe this is part of the problem). It happened again after going to a summer camp for four summers that was really influential to me. A year or so after the last year I was there, people stopped responding to my attempts to reach out to them.

But it goes beyond that. My extended family on both sides is either non-existant (my mom's side, until I was 19) or basically doesn't care about me unless I'm right in front of them (my dad's side only tries to communicate with me at Christmas, and then it's only to make sure that they know vaguely what age I am). My sister and I talk only when there is something important going on or when she's bored at the airport. My mom and dad care about me, but they always shy away from talking to me when anything is really getting to me.

And then there's the guy situation. I kind of matured early (read as 11) so from a really young age I got alot of attention from guys (and creepy old men, but that's another situation all together). But since it wasn't okay for anyone to talk to me for, oh say 5 years of grade school, no guy was allowed to admit that he liked me (assuming that any really did...sigh). So the only guys who paid any attention to me did so either completely out of the public eye or blatantly told me that they wouldn't talk to me in public after they got me to make out with them. The only couple guys that I actually got close enough to date always ended badly, usually because they thought I was too needy.

So pretty much, yes, I do have a thing about rejection. And it's totally justified.

Woo-fucking-hoo.

I only bring this up, Lucky Readers, cause I'm beginning to think about the fact that I'm going to be going back to Cleveland in about a month. And while I'm sure that my Chicago friends are going to miss me, I know from previous experience that it will last about a month. And then over the following one they will gradually forget about me unless someone brings me up. But they won't bother to write or call, cause no one ever does. They will simply sigh, take a sip of their drink, and move on to the next topic.

I know how melodramatic and silly that sounds. And I'm probably misinterpretting all fo the previous rejections. But this is all I have to go off of.

And if we can't learn from past experiences, than we learn nothing.

Right? Right.

So I've been pondering...

2007-05-01T12:17:00.000-04:00

So I finally made a choice for after graduation. And it's Cleveland.

Here's my thought process:

Primarily, I have no solid job leads in Chicago, and from the looks of things I won't anytime soon. Now I don't have any in Cleveland either. But here's the rub - I don't have to pay for housing there. In Chicago I would have to scrounge to find a crappy apartment in my price range that I would have to struggle to afford. So that versus only having to pay about a hundred a month to my mom for food, etc. ... I think the choice there is clear.

But it obviously goes beyond that. Otherwise I would have been able to make up my mind a long time ago.

You see, my big debate was did I want to go back to Cleveland to have my emotional stability (mom, dad, long-time friends, etc.), or did I want to stay in Chicago where I would be more likely to break into entertainment (what with the more opportunites for it)? It raged for about four months now with no real decision. I went back and forth a bunch of times, pretty much changing my mind by the day.

Well this all came to a head when I was looking at available jobs in the Chicago area. I happened upon a few that I am definitely qualified for, and I know I would be good at. But when it came to the moment when I would normally hit the button to get the contact info, I couldn't. I physically could not get myself to move my finger. When I talked to a friend about that phenomenon, she then asked me the simple but very vital question, "Is that because you didn't think you could do the job, or is that because you didn't want to do the job here?"

And the light went on, Lucky Reader. It was clearly the latter. My mind was made up.

My gut has been trying to tell me that Cleveland makes more sense, and I have been telling it to shut up. For me, right now, it's the way to go. And so I've made the choice.

Besides, it's not like I'm tied to whatever city I'm in ... ever. If I decide in a year or two that Cleveland just isn't working out for me, I can come back to Chicago. Or I can go to New York. Or I can go to Uzbekastan. I can do anything I want to any time I want to.

And right now I want to go back to Cleveland after I graduate so that I can work on getting my head straight.

I'm very happy with my decision, Lucky Reader. Be happy for me.

There's a tear in my beer, and other bad, bad country song lyrics

2007-04-27T23:49:00.000-04:00

Everything makes me sad.

I realized this as I got drunk tonight on an empty stomach after leaving the apartment alone
without telling anyone where I was going, and frankly not knowing myself, because I didn't want to cry again cause I've cried too much in my life.

I think I've used up my alottment of tears. I've cried too much over too little. And now I won't allow myself to do it anymore.

The universe will punish me if I do.

I feel like a freak right now. I feel sad. I feel lost and alone and unlovable.

And that's all I thought about. While I was at work today. While I sat on the couch just hoping that someone would express some sort of care about the fact that I existed. While I realized that it's not anyone's job to do so. While I got dressed knowing that I had no idea where I was going. While I drank only three beers and got freaking drunk as shit since I had only soup and cheerios in my head for the past three days. While I tried to ignore the fact that only two sad drunk guys were sitting across the bar from me and the bartender was more interested in talking to them then me.

I'm just all alone. And apparently pathetic and redonkulous. And that doesn't make anything better.

So now I'm going to go back to pretending I don't hear things so that I can sit in my apartment and not feel like a lepper. Cause I will be alone forever and need to be reminded of that as often as possible.

And shit. Now I'm crying.

Wait for the smitting.

*Note - please ignore my bad spelling or grammar. I'm writing this while drunk. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Man! It was freaking epic!

2007-04-26T21:02:00.000-04:00

I hate my body.

Not in the whole teenage angsty feeling chubby way. No, I hate my body cause it apparently hates me. And I figure why not make things even, right?

The other night I got food poisoning. And when I say food poisoning I don't just mean oh my stomach is a little upset. Oh no. I mean epic, busting capillaries in my face, 12 hours worth of getting sick, pulling muscles in my stomach and back, getting dehydrated, monster three-day migraine food poisoning.

And on top of it, I think I triggered a dormant flu or something, cause it's been nearly three days and food poisoning doesn't normally last this long. I've been horriblly sick, Lucky Readers, and it's been pretty awful.

And today is my awesome roomie's birthday and I can't even go out for her celebration dinner cause I feel too shitty. Which makes me feel like a shitty friend. Especially after she's been trying so hard to help me feel better. i guess I'll have to find a way to make it up to her ...

The worst part for me is that I've been having to cancel out on things. I missed a double shift day at work, two classes (one of which was kind of important to me, so I'm pretty sad about it), and a meeting for my production practice. I hate feeling like a flake, and even though I know that being sick is beyond my control, not feeling like I can tough my way through it and just get my stuff done feels pretty shitty to me.

No, no, I never put any pressure on myself at all.

The once nice thing about getting sicker than I've been for years is that I haven't had time to think about my crazy. Between getting sick, feeling sick, nearly passing out, and falling asleep for about an hour at a time I haven't had time to be upset or depressed.

So I guess I have to thank that bad apple I ate for giving me a vacation.

But now I'm going to go cause I feel kind of dizzy. Again. Wee!

What makes me happy makes me sad.

2007-04-21T18:15:00.000-04:00

So I've been at work all day, trying to keep my mind occupied. I spent some time looking for jobs (bust) and watching videos on YouTube (fun but ultimately a waste of time). And then I started thinking.

I was trying to figure out exactly what it is that makes me not feel sad. Not necessarily what makes me happy, but what it is that makes me not wanna lie down in bed and never get up. I was doing this because my doctors both think its important for me to understand my triggers and my balance points. So I thought about the balance points since I didn't want to make myself depressed. And the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that it is while I am working that I am consistently the least upset.

Let me explain why, Lucky Readers.

I think it's because I am three things while I am there; distracted, needed, and respected. Now the latter two seem to me to be very basic/normal, and therefore not worthy of note. But the first one kind of bothers me. Apparently I am only near happy when I am completely outside of my head and not thinking like a normal human being. I must be distracted to the point that I make myself numb to not be upset all the time.

Apparently.

It's not just at work, though. It's while I'm in class (I need to constantly be counting down the minutes of class on the side of my notes in order to pay attention anymore), while I'm out with friends (I've become addicted to the jukeboxes at bars partly cause I like to hear good music while I drink, but also because it keeps my mind busy), and while I'm at home (internet jigsaw puzzles anyone?) too.

Distraction is my trick and I am her John who patronizes her all the time.

And sadly this fits really well with what my doctor's and I have been figuring out. That I am so uncomfortable just being that it literally triggers my crazy. And that's what they have been trying to work on with me for the past few weeks. And we'll probably keep working on for the next while now. Joy.

So I guess that means that we are making some progress. And that's good. Cause that means that we are moving in the right direction, which makes me think that maybe it hasn't been a complete waste of time.

But still...realizing what makes me happy has made me sad. And that's not good.