Better...?

So…we talked. My mom and I. And things are better. Enough that I’m not worried that she’s gonna throw my stuff onto the lawn one day and lock me out of the house. Paranoid fantasy yes, but it did occur to me several times.

Rather, we’re at a point where we have an understanding. I understand that she thinks I’m lazy and untrustworthy, and she understands that despite her stating several times that she didn’t mean it I don’t trust that she doesn’t really want me out of the house, so I’m still looking for a place to live.

The biggest bonus of this is that we’re not hating each other. But a very close second is that I now have the time to figure out a better way to move out than hurrying to look for the cheapest place I can find and eventually getting stabbed or something cause it would probably be in the ghetto.

Arg…family. How I loath and love thee.

Now what?

It’s amazing how quickly family can crush everything you like about yourself.

My mother picked a fight with me this weekend. Literally. She admitted that she did. What it was about is fairly inconsequential so I won’t bother going into the details of that. What is important though is that in the course of this argument, my mother said some pretty harsh things to me. Called me a fatass after telling me that I spent too much time at the gym (enjoy wrapping your noggin around that one), told me I’m completely untrustworthy, and then proceeded to tell me that I’m ungrateful and essentially told me that I need to find a new place fast cause she doesn’t want me in her home anymore.

Wow.

Now I’ve wanted to move out of my house for awhile. I feel like such a loser living at home, and let’s face it I’m not the biggest fan of my step-dad. But the problem has been that despite my two jobs I truly don’t have the money to rent a place of my own. I know I could get a roommate, but I just really want to be on my own for awhile.

So what? Now I’m supposed to miraculously find a way to afford this? I reworked my budget this morning and even with me cutting everything back to the barest of bare minimums I’m about $400 a month short of having enough. If I can get some good commissions to come through I would be fine, but I hate the idea of essentially gambling on my living arrangement.

Essentially, this is the point I’m at right now: I have a place to live but know I’m not welcome anymore and although I doubt she’ll kick me out, I want to get out ASAP. How this is going to happen I haven’t the slightest clue of, and oh, let’s not forget that I know feel like shit about myself…and I’m apparently fat.

Thanks Mom…you’re the greatest.

Time to take stock...

So today's my birthday y'all. Hooray! The Kendragon is now 24. And we all know what that means: time to look back at the last year of my life and determine how happy with it I am/where I am in life overall.

Ready to join me? Yes? Sweet.

I think I'm gonna do this in a plus/minus format. Why? I dunno...seems like as good a way as anything.

Alright.

I have a job. I may not love the job, but I do like it a hell of a lot...despite the fact that I'm not too good at this whole sales thing. Yet. But it pays me well enough so that I can enjoy my life without having to give up too much. So overall plus!

I have a super nice car that I love that I'm paying for all on my lonesome, so i feel like an adult every time I get into it. Ane I play amazing mix CDs in it and sign along with them which I truly enjoy despite my most sincere efforts to look like a mature person when i drive it. Plus!

I don't have/have no prospects for a boyfriend right now. And the only guys I've seen this past year have wound up being kinda crazy or I sabotaged. Hmmm...negative.

I have an amazing family and family-of-friends. This includes, but is not limited to Awesome Roomie, Neat, Awesome Roomie's Utah residing friend, my amazing coworker who I love, and C (I know I used to complain alot about him, but despite the bad things and hard times he still would take a bullet for me then beat up the person who tried to shoot me. I can't forget that, even if i wanted to). Huge, huge plus!

I'm getting back into shape. And I'm doing it responsibly with the help of a professional. Plus!

I'm still not fully in control of my crazy. I'm getting better with it, but I'm still a long way away from where I want to be with it. Perhaps you all disagree, but to me a minor negative.

And finally, I have pretty solid goals for myself despite my inability to achieve them right now (good paying job i love doing, my master's, enough money to be able to enjoy life without being needlessly frivolous, an amazing family of my own filled with people I love and trust), and I'm actively living my life while trying to achieve those ends as best I can. After the previous year of floundering, this to me, is the biggest success of all. Plus, plus, PLUS!

So Lucky Reader - lots more pluses then negatives. And I'm working on the negatives, so pretty cool. I don't know what you think, but I think the Kendragon is living her life well.

Here's to another year, with even more pluses added to the list!

Cheers!