He wasn't a very good illusionist

Ahhhhh do I hate Crazy.

Crazy’s a selfish jerk with horrible timing and I loath him.

All I can keep thinking right now is that Mrs. White had it right in “Clue”.

“I hated her... SO MUCH... it was flaming, flames, FLAMES... on the side of my face... heaving breaths, heaving...”

Except…ya know…him.

He’s hitting me hard again. I thought I was on the upside of the swing but turns out it was just a fluke. This sucks hard core.

I spent almost all of my long weekend (such a blessing that I got Monday off of work, cause I wouldn’t have been able to work in the state I was in) either being incredibly depressed and crying for no reason, or sleeping. I’m having trouble sleeping again and when I do sleep I’m having vivid weird dreams again.

Then making everything worse is the fact that Roth and I had a weird weekend. We had a great date on Friday that was simply put wonderful. But then on Saturday aka Valentine’s Day I got literally no communication from him whatsoever. This is after he told me on Friday to expect a call from him. I didn’t wind up hearing a peep from him until Monday night.

Now here’s the thing – I don’t care a bit about Valentine’s Day. The most I care about it is if I’m with someone I would like them to wish me a Happy V-Day. That’s it. If they insist on getting me something make it small and meaningful. Otherwise I don’t give a shit. But when the guy I definitely have feeling for that I’ve been seeing for two months doesn’t even shoot me a quick text saying hi…that gets to me.

That lack of communication combined with Crazy being a jerk ball made for a witch’s brew of badness. So when I finally did talk to Roth on Monday I wasn’t able to keep it in. I calmly but nonetheless let him know that I was hurt. And then I proceed to let him know that I’m at a point that I have real feelings for him and I need to know what we are.

We wound up agreeing that we’re still just seeing each other and nothing hugely serious. I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he said no so I felt that it was the right time to let him know that I’m not either. We aren’t going to move to the next stage yet (as tacky as that phrase is) cause neither of us is there yet. But we both have feelings for the other one, and we’re on the same page now. He knows that I don’t want anything to change and he definitely seems happy about that.

So it was a good talk. And it definitely took the edge off the wanting to cry all the time thing…although I still want to. Cause of Crazy. But I’m super paranoid that now that he’s had time to think he’s going to turn around and change his mind. I’m worried I scared him off. Obviously I hope I didn’t, but one never knows.

Ugh…I’m worried guys. And sad. Very, very sad.

Fuck you Crazy.