Short and sweet update...just like I'm not. Ba-dum-ching!

Haven’t updated in a couple days here. I hope y’all haven’t missed me too, too much.

Basically the short of it is I’m doing better. Like a lot better.

I’m still having a hard time with the little things right now…like sleeping. I wake up in the middle of the night all the time again and that sucks hardcore. And I have to consciously force myself to buckle down at work.

But at least when I do that I’m getting a lot done. And I’m in a much better mood. So…big bonus.

I don’t know what brought this up-turn (decidedly this time, not just hoping) and I don’t think I care. I’m just thrilled about it and happy that it’s coming early in the week so that I can feel productive instead of like a useless piece of flesh like I did for most of the previous two weeks.

In other news my gym fanaticism is still going strong. I love how my body is beginning to look svelt instead of just trim. And I'm noticing it helping my health now too. Freaking awesome.

I'm also trying to figure out a time I can get out to see Awesome Former Roomie soon. She's been such a rock these past few weeks again and I would love to see her again. And her boy. And my pet nephews. And my city. Gawdddd I miss Chicago!

And a quick update on Roth. Ummm…he’s great. There’s moments where his inconsistent communication bothers me, but who he is and how he treats me is always of the sweetness. We talked again about the communication thing and I think that we're on the same page with that. I'm glad. And I'm happy. He makes me happy. End of discussion.

So to sum it up...I'm doing much, much better. And I'm glad for it. Be glad for me Party People.

He wasn't a very good illusionist

Ahhhhh do I hate Crazy.

Crazy’s a selfish jerk with horrible timing and I loath him.

All I can keep thinking right now is that Mrs. White had it right in “Clue”.

“I hated her... SO MUCH... it was flaming, flames, FLAMES... on the side of my face... heaving breaths, heaving...”

Except…ya know…him.

He’s hitting me hard again. I thought I was on the upside of the swing but turns out it was just a fluke. This sucks hard core.

I spent almost all of my long weekend (such a blessing that I got Monday off of work, cause I wouldn’t have been able to work in the state I was in) either being incredibly depressed and crying for no reason, or sleeping. I’m having trouble sleeping again and when I do sleep I’m having vivid weird dreams again.

Then making everything worse is the fact that Roth and I had a weird weekend. We had a great date on Friday that was simply put wonderful. But then on Saturday aka Valentine’s Day I got literally no communication from him whatsoever. This is after he told me on Friday to expect a call from him. I didn’t wind up hearing a peep from him until Monday night.

Now here’s the thing – I don’t care a bit about Valentine’s Day. The most I care about it is if I’m with someone I would like them to wish me a Happy V-Day. That’s it. If they insist on getting me something make it small and meaningful. Otherwise I don’t give a shit. But when the guy I definitely have feeling for that I’ve been seeing for two months doesn’t even shoot me a quick text saying hi…that gets to me.

That lack of communication combined with Crazy being a jerk ball made for a witch’s brew of badness. So when I finally did talk to Roth on Monday I wasn’t able to keep it in. I calmly but nonetheless let him know that I was hurt. And then I proceed to let him know that I’m at a point that I have real feelings for him and I need to know what we are.

We wound up agreeing that we’re still just seeing each other and nothing hugely serious. I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he said no so I felt that it was the right time to let him know that I’m not either. We aren’t going to move to the next stage yet (as tacky as that phrase is) cause neither of us is there yet. But we both have feelings for the other one, and we’re on the same page now. He knows that I don’t want anything to change and he definitely seems happy about that.

So it was a good talk. And it definitely took the edge off the wanting to cry all the time thing…although I still want to. Cause of Crazy. But I’m super paranoid that now that he’s had time to think he’s going to turn around and change his mind. I’m worried I scared him off. Obviously I hope I didn’t, but one never knows.

Ugh…I’m worried guys. And sad. Very, very sad.

Fuck you Crazy.

Epic Nerd Win!

This weekend was a freaking Nerdfest for me, Party People. I might as well have put on horn-rimmed glasses with tape around the bridge. And then I could’ve sniffed as I pushed them up my acne-riddled face with one hand, as I brushed back my greasy bowl-cut with the other. And then I would compare random statements about traffic to the multi-verse theory and laugh loudly and haltingly while everyone else looks confused.

*Cough*

The cool thing is it covered so many ends of my nerdiness. It was so gratifying on a very complete level.

Every nerd aspect of my personality was satisfied:

Movie Nerd – I saw a few movies this weekend: ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ with Neat, ‘Taken’ with Roth, and ‘Clue’ at a cult film series showing that included actors, audience cat calling, and other fun goodies. So my film tummy got filled up a bit. It was scrumptious.

Health Nerd – I went and had an amazing workout that left me sore for days, and at one point invested in some fitness equipment of my own to keep at home for the days that I don’t want to go to the gym, but I also don’t want to commit a full hour to working out at home. Now I can pound out twenty minutes for my core and arms once or twice a week. Oh! And I’ve lost enough girth that I only have one pair of jeans that fit right. Hooray! So i had to go shopping this weekend, and I got a cut of jeans that I honestly never thought I could fit in. Freaking awesome.

Junk Food Nerd – I had two burgers this weekend, tons of fries, and movie-theatre popcorn. It was so delicious. Haven’t been that bad in months and it was sweet to feel free to take a moment to do so. Cause I’m healthy enough that the occasional splurge is not so big. Sweetness.

Girl Nerd – I had an amazing time with Roth when I saw him. He was sweet, complimentary, and charming. Oh! And when we went dancing he spent a chunk of time going over to a woman around 65 years old that he knows and dancing with her. The full story behind that is so freaking sweet that it totally made my heart swoon a bit. He’s great, y’all.

Graphic Novel Nerd – C gave me his copy of Neil Gaiman’s “Endless Nights” to borrow. It’s one of the few books associated with the ‘Sandman’ series that I haven’t read yet. I’ve already devoured a whole bunch of it. Can’t wait to finish.

Reality TV Nerd – Got to watch a few back episodes of “America’s Next Top Model”. I don’t care what anyone says, that show is FIIIIEEEERCE!

So it was a really great weekend. I had fun, I was athletic, and I got to feel uber girlie. That makes for All-Around Greatness in my book.

But the best thing of all is that I was able to dig out of the low I was in a bit. I’m still verging on not doing great, but at least I’m only at the precipice at this point. I’m no longer sinking into the muck. So in general I’m a (relatively) happy Kendragon. Good times!

Getting the wheels to turn just might help them stop

Slowly but surely feeling a bit better, guys. And once again, it’s cause of intellectualness, so that’s pretty cool.

Actually it’s cause of Stephen Colbert. And RadioLab.

Last night Colbert had Jonah Lehrer on. Now here’s the thing….I love Jonah Leher. He’s nerdy hot and wicked smart. The things I would do to him. Mmmm.

This isn’t the first encounter I’ve had with Lehrer. He’s been on my favorite NPR show RadioLab many times, and every time I find him incredibly interesting. But the experience we had last night was powerful. Earth shaking. I think I saw God!

On last night’s Report he discussed the process of how we make decisions. It wasn’t really funny like most of Colbert’s interviews are, but I still dug the whole thing.

The point that Lehrer hit that I found most interesting was the idea that the decision making processing is impacted by both our logical and emotional sides. At times one may be of more influence then the other, and when we find that happening we should practice meta-cognition (AKA thinking about how we think).

How freaking essential is this for me? I mean, when I’m having these nutty periods where my cooky emotional side is outta control, doesn’t it make sense to force myself to sit back and analyze my thought process? How helpful is that?

During weeks like the last one I’ve had, I simply need to identify the issue, sit back, and think, “Okay, is this Crazy talking to me again? Or is this truly a rational notion that I’m acting on?”

It may be easier said then done in the future, but when I’ve tried doing that today it’s helped so much. And that’s only been with small scale things. It bodes well for me, and is a sign that I am able to actively improve myself.

I’m thinking this is a great thing to keep in the front of my mind, Party People. Hooray for gradual healing!

Crazy's back so its sad. But there's onomatopoeias so it's fun!

This sucks. I’m full-on back in Crazy’s realm Party People. I can’t even try to be cute about it.

I’m back to having trouble sleeping, I’m constantly trying in vain to keep myself focused for long enough to do my job or engage in real conversations. I’m pretty much incapable of having a positive thought about myself…which is super fun!

All I want to do is curl up in bed and not move for days. Nothing feels so useless as having that feeling.

This is the hardest that Crazy has hit me for a long time. He’s decided that he needs to get my attention by trying to deliver a knockout punch. Cause he’s a jerk.

The absolute worst part about this is that I feel like I desperately need to hide it. From coworkers, from my family, and most definitely from Roth. And I’m not used to that. With my family and coworkers I’ve never wanted them to know, so I guess that part’s not strange at all. But before when I got these bouts and I was with someone I would just talk to him about it. C had the same problem so he could help me through it with understanding. Ted was confused by it but always wanted in so I readily let him.

But Roth…ah I KNOW he can’t handle it. He got a slight glimpse once and the result was me not talking to him for three months. And I don’t want that to happen again.

He got a wee bit of it when I couldn’t help but send him a text inquiring if he was pissed at me. And of course he wasn’t. Cause it was paranoid and Crazy’s influence. And his response was pretty much that I need to not be paranoid when it comes to him. And I know logically that that’s right. If he didn’t dig me or was mad at me he would let me know. He’s very blunt in general.

But I can’t help myself. Crazy’s fucking pounding me down and whispering in my ear at the same time.

SMASH! You’re not good enough…never were, never will be. POW! You’re gonna die alone. Better get used to the idea. BAM! Just give in to the sadness. Might as well…no use fighting. ZOWWIE!

Zowwie? Anyway…

I’m trying so hard to not read into his actions. But because of Crazy I’m over-analyzing every action (or more likely lack thereof) that Roth takes and convincing myself that he simply can’t wait to get rid of me.

No, no Kendragon, ignore the probably-more-likely state of affairs that he’s comfortable with me now and we’re just finding a way to communicate after the giggly, can’t-stop-thinking-of-the-other phase is over. Nope. He hates you and is just bidding his time till he breaks your heart again.

And I don’t just think like this over Roth. I’m like this with everything lately. Work, friends, hobbies…all of these things seem utterly awful. Roth is just a easy example.

Oh…and heart wrenching. Don’t forget heart wrenching.

So that’s what I’m thinking lately. But…ya know…trying to hide it.

All I have ever really wanted for my life is to be happy. Happy and to have a family and to have enough money to be comfortable. But above all else the happy. So why the hell can’t Crazy let me have that? Why do I let him in?

Sigh…I don’t know. But I think I might need to start seeing someone of the doctor variety again. And I don’t really want to spend that money. And I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it besides my Party People. But I also don’t want to feel this way.

I just want to be happy.