Crazy's back so its sad. But there's onomatopoeias so it's fun!

This sucks. I’m full-on back in Crazy’s realm Party People. I can’t even try to be cute about it.

I’m back to having trouble sleeping, I’m constantly trying in vain to keep myself focused for long enough to do my job or engage in real conversations. I’m pretty much incapable of having a positive thought about myself…which is super fun!

All I want to do is curl up in bed and not move for days. Nothing feels so useless as having that feeling.

This is the hardest that Crazy has hit me for a long time. He’s decided that he needs to get my attention by trying to deliver a knockout punch. Cause he’s a jerk.

The absolute worst part about this is that I feel like I desperately need to hide it. From coworkers, from my family, and most definitely from Roth. And I’m not used to that. With my family and coworkers I’ve never wanted them to know, so I guess that part’s not strange at all. But before when I got these bouts and I was with someone I would just talk to him about it. C had the same problem so he could help me through it with understanding. Ted was confused by it but always wanted in so I readily let him.

But Roth…ah I KNOW he can’t handle it. He got a slight glimpse once and the result was me not talking to him for three months. And I don’t want that to happen again.

He got a wee bit of it when I couldn’t help but send him a text inquiring if he was pissed at me. And of course he wasn’t. Cause it was paranoid and Crazy’s influence. And his response was pretty much that I need to not be paranoid when it comes to him. And I know logically that that’s right. If he didn’t dig me or was mad at me he would let me know. He’s very blunt in general.

But I can’t help myself. Crazy’s fucking pounding me down and whispering in my ear at the same time.

SMASH! You’re not good enough…never were, never will be. POW! You’re gonna die alone. Better get used to the idea. BAM! Just give in to the sadness. Might as well…no use fighting. ZOWWIE!

Zowwie? Anyway…

I’m trying so hard to not read into his actions. But because of Crazy I’m over-analyzing every action (or more likely lack thereof) that Roth takes and convincing myself that he simply can’t wait to get rid of me.

No, no Kendragon, ignore the probably-more-likely state of affairs that he’s comfortable with me now and we’re just finding a way to communicate after the giggly, can’t-stop-thinking-of-the-other phase is over. Nope. He hates you and is just bidding his time till he breaks your heart again.

And I don’t just think like this over Roth. I’m like this with everything lately. Work, friends, hobbies…all of these things seem utterly awful. Roth is just a easy example.

Oh…and heart wrenching. Don’t forget heart wrenching.

So that’s what I’m thinking lately. But…ya know…trying to hide it.

All I have ever really wanted for my life is to be happy. Happy and to have a family and to have enough money to be comfortable. But above all else the happy. So why the hell can’t Crazy let me have that? Why do I let him in?

Sigh…I don’t know. But I think I might need to start seeing someone of the doctor variety again. And I don’t really want to spend that money. And I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it besides my Party People. But I also don’t want to feel this way.

I just want to be happy.