He's the man with the name you'd love to touch. But you musn't touch!

Got some good news and bad news, Party People.

Okay bad news first:

I think my job is making me sick. I’m so stressed lately that I’ve been getting all sorts of problems with my mouth lately. Cause as we know, my mouth and throat are retarded and are the first places that I get messed up when my body has problems. I’ve got weird white lines running along either side of my tongue (showed it to a friend and she told me that it looks like something she had for awhile when she was under tons of stress, and according to my research it’s some type of auto-immune response to stress), my tongue randomly swells but only when I’m at work, and I’ve been getting tons of canker sores again, which my doctor tells me is probably because of …take a guess…stress. I think I’m allergic to my job, Party People. Wee!

Now to the good news:

Everything else is going great! Still rocking the gym. Clothes are fitting more loosely all the time. I’ve been rocking music from the late 80s and early 90s for the past week or so at work (‘Valerie’ by Steve Winwood anyone?) and its easing some of my tension. I’m only about a week from going out to see Awesome Former Roomie in Chicago and I’m super pumped for that. Crazy has been staying away for the past month or so. Lots of good stuff.

Oh…and then there’s the new guy. I think I’ll call him Max. As in Max Powers. Cause he loves that episode of the Simpsons. Which makes me VERY happy.

Max is pretty great and I’m enjoying him a whole bunch. And its mostly cause there are no games with this one. He’s very up front with me and clearly communicative. I think we’re pretty much at the same place in our lives and it’s very comfortable to be with him.

Not to mention he’s cute as the day is long, very muscly, smarter than many people I know, charming, not afraid to show affection without being gross about it, has great friends that I like hanging out with, and he’s NERDY! I adore that he’s nerdy. So…Max is quickly becoming one of the highlights of my day-to-day.

And I’m seeing him tonight. And I’m excited. And I’m also very dorky about this guy.

The only thing that worries me right now is that I’m moving a bit too fast with Max. But basically he’s been the one taking all the initiative, and I’m aware of the fact that I need to let things just happen without any pressure. And I think I’m doing that to be honest; I’m letting things kind of evolve with him and so far we’re getting a pretty cool species.

So to sum up, Max is great. My health is more-or-less great. My friends are great. Now if we can make one last piece of the puzzle to come together, I won’t have anything to complain about!

Hooray!!!!

So this is my 100th Post, Party People!!!

PARTY TIME!!!!

Wooo!! Look at the balloons dropping from the ceiling!!! It’s a Technicolor display of joy!!! Woooooo!!!!!!!!

For this monumental post I think I’m gonna just focus on the joyness that has been my past few days. Why will this be the focus? Cause I am opting to make this moment about awesomeness rather than Crazy.

Hear that Crazy you jerkoff? It ain’t all about you!

…jerk…

Anywhosel. So I’m looking foxy today. My hair stylist (whom I love love love) took me really blond for the summer and I’m totally feeling the bright locks. She also gave me a mini facial which was amazing. My skin is super duper smooth and I can’t stop touching it. Totally relaxing and wonderful trip to the spa. That coupled with my looking better and better all the time from all the working out.

I’m a bit vain about this I know, but I love how my body has changed from the exercise. I did spinning this weekend and I was able to do the entire class without any major issues. The last time I did spinning I was so out of shape that I nearly passed out and had to leave the class early. Clearly I’m improving. So that’s amazing to note.

Went and hung out with Neat this weekend for a bit. Had a nice little girl chat with her that nourished the feminine bit of me that I try to pretend doesn’t really exist. Which is why I love her. Cause she lets me be that way without mocking me or going to far into that mentality. It twas sweet.

I hung out with some really chill people this weekend. Doing stupid simple things but it was with such a fun group of new people that I dug every moment. One night we went to a cult film series showing of ‘The Thing’. God I love that movie! And the fact that I got to see it with people that were laughing at the same inappropriate moments as me totally took me back to Chicago and my peeps there.

Which I will be going back to in about two weeks y’all! Woohoo for seeing Awesome Former Roomie!

And I’m not gonna talk about it in too much detail since that usually ruins everything, but the group I was hanging out with might have contained a rather cute and charming young man that I enjoyed the company of. Tee!

So hooray Party People! Hooray for good weekends! Hooray for looking pretty! Hooray for being physically fit! Hooray for Neat! Hooray for cult movies! Hooray for planned trips to Chicago! Hooray for Awesome Former Roomie! Hooray for cute boys that seem to dig me!

And hooray for my having Party People that care about me enough to read about my life. Love you all. For reals yo.

Awesomeness!

So in the interest of keeping people up-to-date on all that is awesome in the realm of the Kendragon, here’s a list of things that have been making me incredibly happy and content lately.

The Black Keys. Don’t know em? Look up ‘Strange Times’, ‘Lies’, and ‘The Breaks’. Mmm…good music. How you nourish me!



Speaking of good music, I got to go to a concert with C. Years ago when we were still dating he met Jared Leto when I was in Chicago, and since I LOVE him there has always been an understanding that eventually he would make it up to me. Well…he did so. I’ve loved the band Thursday since I was around 14. It was one of my first real concerts that I went to without parents, and at the old Grog Shop (people from Cleveland will understand the distinction and significance of this). I’ve loved them for a decade now. Well C hooked us up at the show. Not only did I get to meet the band and tell them that I’ve been following them for ever now, but they let us watch the show from side stage, signed a poster for me, and at the end of the show the drummer gave me his drum sticks that he used on stage! It was sweeeet. And we got some killer pictures too.



Okay…and while I’m thinking about the music that has been rocking my world, I’ve also been addicted to Dan la Sac vs. Scroobius Pip’s song ‘Fixed’. I already loved ‘Thou Shalt Always Kill’ but this is rocking my world so much. Enjoy the UK rap, Party People. I command it.

Whole Grain Cheerios with granola combined with blackberries and raspberries. It’s been my breakfast at work for the past few weeks. I look forward to it literally every morning. Freaking delicious.

For some reason I’ve been getting an ass load of movie passes lately. I’ve only paid for a few movies over the past month. Since I’m a girl that loves a deal I’ve been finding it fantastic that I can indulge my obsession for the cost of gas.

While I was working out at home the other day (yea…I do that now. Love being fit y’all) my mom came in to ask me a question and in mid-sentence stopped to gush that I’ve lost a whole bunch of weight. This from a woman that normally won’t tell me that she loves me because she finds it mushy. It made my entire week. And has really pushed me to want to hit the gym even harder.

And finally, the idea that I’m going to be in Chicago later this month to see Awesome Former Roomie and the pet nephews makes me so happy I can’t tell you about it. I miss them and my city so very, very much. Now if the boss would just approve the time off so that I can book my flight…grrrr….

So…totally loving the happiness. Let that be the great take away from this post.

I have returned triumphant!

So I took a break from blogging. Mostly cause I needed time to myself to get over everything that was going down with me. The lowness, the break up, the not-so-happy bout the work…I needed to let all of that breath for a moment.

But I’m back now. Here’s the uber-update. And by uber I hope I mean shortish. Cause I don’t want to inundate my Party People.

I’m pretty much over the Roth break up. It sucked pretty hardcore for about two weeks, but luckily I was able to get back into the male swing of things pretty quickly. I already have three guys that are expressing interest, and although one is seeming to be absolutely wonderful and fantastic, I’m letting myself keep my options open. I feel a bit weird about this, don’t get me wrong. Ideally I want to be with one person that loves the hell out of me. But until I find that person I have to relax and let myself figure out who that will be. Keeping options open seems to be the most ideal way to do this. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass.

In terms of the lowness I’m pretty much out of it. I still have to fight not feeling lonely and rejected. Cause let’s face it, that’s what mind frame Roth put me into. But my amazing friends and these new fellas have helped to distract me from feeling that way every time it gets bad. Partially because I’m becoming smart enough to reach out when I feel shitty, but mostly because they are simply there. And for me that’s more important than anything else.

So hooray for that.

Let’s see…in terms of work things have gone from bad to worse. I have a feeling my boss might be trying to make me quit. But I can’t. So this has been an interesting last couple weeks. I’m pretty much just buckling down and trying to make it through the weeks without people having to yell at me as much as possible. Sigh… I hope things get better soon.

The fitness is going well too. My schedule has made it difficult to steadily go to the gym, but at least when I go now I feel comfortable really working myself out. By that I mean kicking my own ass. I no longer feel weird about using the free weights (used to be intimidated by the big bulky guys that hang out there), and I feel like a part of the gym enough now that I have people that wave at me when they see me come in. So…ta dow.

I don't know... I feel like I'm very close to being on my game. I went into battle and everything turned out positively. As if I'm riding in on my horse to my hometown, nearly done with my epic journey back home with the head of my enemy in my sack to be placed upon a pike as a warning to any others that might threaten me.

...or other images that are not nearly as creepy.

I think that’s about it for now. I promise I am back in the game, and regular blogging will occur again now. So…enjoy that mo fos!

I'm a Sad Panda.

So Roth and I broke up. And the Kendragon is far from rejoicing.

Rather the Kendragon feels stupid and like it’s all her fault. And that’s not cute. Not at all.

I mean yes he lied to me. And yes he did it poorly. And yes I found out. And yes he lied when I called him on it until I told him I have proof. And yes when we were having the break up conversation (that would be the second time around for those keeping track) he told me that he didn’t have near the feelings for me that I had for him, and he admitted that he should have told me that weeks ago. And yes he may have been horrible at communicating with me overall and I was nothing but great to him at all times, and if he can’t see that he’s an idiot.

BUT….

I don’t know…I just feel like this all could have been avoided if I wasn’t a moron. I could have not agreed to get together with him again in the first place. I could have stopped seeing him the minute I realized I had feelings for someone who was very straight forward with me about not wanting anything remotely serious. I could have seen that his refusal to communicate or see me regularly was probably a sign that I was getting involved with someone who was going to be distant.

But of course I didn’t do that. Cause Kendragon’s are very, very silly.

Awesome former Roomie was completely amazing last night with helping me feel better. And let me just state right here how much I appreciate that. But the fact of the matter is no matter how logically I know that none of this is my fault, in my heart I know it really is.

I just wish he hadn’t fought to get me back into his life. That simple fact had me operating off a false assumption that he had some real feelings for me. Silly, silly Kendragon. You should have know that the guy that could hurt you once couldn’t really appreciate you. Not really.

Ugh.

Oh…and this whole thing’s totally not helping the massive lowness either. Dragged me right back into the muck. Thanks Roth. Thanks.

I’m a sad, sad Panda, Party People.

Short and sweet update...just like I'm not. Ba-dum-ching!

Haven’t updated in a couple days here. I hope y’all haven’t missed me too, too much.

Basically the short of it is I’m doing better. Like a lot better.

I’m still having a hard time with the little things right now…like sleeping. I wake up in the middle of the night all the time again and that sucks hardcore. And I have to consciously force myself to buckle down at work.

But at least when I do that I’m getting a lot done. And I’m in a much better mood. So…big bonus.

I don’t know what brought this up-turn (decidedly this time, not just hoping) and I don’t think I care. I’m just thrilled about it and happy that it’s coming early in the week so that I can feel productive instead of like a useless piece of flesh like I did for most of the previous two weeks.

In other news my gym fanaticism is still going strong. I love how my body is beginning to look svelt instead of just trim. And I'm noticing it helping my health now too. Freaking awesome.

I'm also trying to figure out a time I can get out to see Awesome Former Roomie soon. She's been such a rock these past few weeks again and I would love to see her again. And her boy. And my pet nephews. And my city. Gawdddd I miss Chicago!

And a quick update on Roth. Ummm…he’s great. There’s moments where his inconsistent communication bothers me, but who he is and how he treats me is always of the sweetness. We talked again about the communication thing and I think that we're on the same page with that. I'm glad. And I'm happy. He makes me happy. End of discussion.

So to sum it up...I'm doing much, much better. And I'm glad for it. Be glad for me Party People.

He wasn't a very good illusionist

Ahhhhh do I hate Crazy.

Crazy’s a selfish jerk with horrible timing and I loath him.

All I can keep thinking right now is that Mrs. White had it right in “Clue”.

“I hated her... SO MUCH... it was flaming, flames, FLAMES... on the side of my face... heaving breaths, heaving...”

Except…ya know…him.

He’s hitting me hard again. I thought I was on the upside of the swing but turns out it was just a fluke. This sucks hard core.

I spent almost all of my long weekend (such a blessing that I got Monday off of work, cause I wouldn’t have been able to work in the state I was in) either being incredibly depressed and crying for no reason, or sleeping. I’m having trouble sleeping again and when I do sleep I’m having vivid weird dreams again.

Then making everything worse is the fact that Roth and I had a weird weekend. We had a great date on Friday that was simply put wonderful. But then on Saturday aka Valentine’s Day I got literally no communication from him whatsoever. This is after he told me on Friday to expect a call from him. I didn’t wind up hearing a peep from him until Monday night.

Now here’s the thing – I don’t care a bit about Valentine’s Day. The most I care about it is if I’m with someone I would like them to wish me a Happy V-Day. That’s it. If they insist on getting me something make it small and meaningful. Otherwise I don’t give a shit. But when the guy I definitely have feeling for that I’ve been seeing for two months doesn’t even shoot me a quick text saying hi…that gets to me.

That lack of communication combined with Crazy being a jerk ball made for a witch’s brew of badness. So when I finally did talk to Roth on Monday I wasn’t able to keep it in. I calmly but nonetheless let him know that I was hurt. And then I proceed to let him know that I’m at a point that I have real feelings for him and I need to know what we are.

We wound up agreeing that we’re still just seeing each other and nothing hugely serious. I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he said no so I felt that it was the right time to let him know that I’m not either. We aren’t going to move to the next stage yet (as tacky as that phrase is) cause neither of us is there yet. But we both have feelings for the other one, and we’re on the same page now. He knows that I don’t want anything to change and he definitely seems happy about that.

So it was a good talk. And it definitely took the edge off the wanting to cry all the time thing…although I still want to. Cause of Crazy. But I’m super paranoid that now that he’s had time to think he’s going to turn around and change his mind. I’m worried I scared him off. Obviously I hope I didn’t, but one never knows.

Ugh…I’m worried guys. And sad. Very, very sad.

Fuck you Crazy.