Here it is! Justification for part of my crazy. Enjoy!

I hate feeling alone. Isolated. Abandoned. Rejected. And I find more and more all the time that I feel all these things.

I've been talking to my therapist alot over the past monthish about why I have this whole rejection thing. And basically all I have come to realize is that I have every reason to feel so. It's not just in my head. And surprisingly, that is the most depressing thing of all.

I have been rejected heavily by my peers. Multiple times. Beginning in elementary school, continuing through middle school, and persisting in high school. And then starting all over again in college (apparently I'm not hip enough to hang out with the drug addict drama queens...hmmm, maybe this is part of the problem). It happened again after going to a summer camp for four summers that was really influential to me. A year or so after the last year I was there, people stopped responding to my attempts to reach out to them.

But it goes beyond that. My extended family on both sides is either non-existant (my mom's side, until I was 19) or basically doesn't care about me unless I'm right in front of them (my dad's side only tries to communicate with me at Christmas, and then it's only to make sure that they know vaguely what age I am). My sister and I talk only when there is something important going on or when she's bored at the airport. My mom and dad care about me, but they always shy away from talking to me when anything is really getting to me.

And then there's the guy situation. I kind of matured early (read as 11) so from a really young age I got alot of attention from guys (and creepy old men, but that's another situation all together). But since it wasn't okay for anyone to talk to me for, oh say 5 years of grade school, no guy was allowed to admit that he liked me (assuming that any really did...sigh). So the only guys who paid any attention to me did so either completely out of the public eye or blatantly told me that they wouldn't talk to me in public after they got me to make out with them. The only couple guys that I actually got close enough to date always ended badly, usually because they thought I was too needy.

So pretty much, yes, I do have a thing about rejection. And it's totally justified.

Woo-fucking-hoo.

I only bring this up, Lucky Readers, cause I'm beginning to think about the fact that I'm going to be going back to Cleveland in about a month. And while I'm sure that my Chicago friends are going to miss me, I know from previous experience that it will last about a month. And then over the following one they will gradually forget about me unless someone brings me up. But they won't bother to write or call, cause no one ever does. They will simply sigh, take a sip of their drink, and move on to the next topic.

I know how melodramatic and silly that sounds. And I'm probably misinterpretting all fo the previous rejections. But this is all I have to go off of.

And if we can't learn from past experiences, than we learn nothing.

Right? Right.