To summarize...the Kendragon is doing fine.

So, so many things to update my Lucky Readers on. Craziness.

So I've been a horrible blogger and have allowed catching up with friends and family/searching for a job/being very-mildly-yet-none-the-less depressed keep me from blogging. Shame upon my head. To make amends, i shall now give a short and sweet summary of what has been happening in my world since graduation.

I came back to Cleveland and almost immediately felt I had made the wrong decision. Although i loved being around my friends (especially Neat - she and awesome roommate are by far the two most important non-family members in my life) and getting to spend time with my family, I couldn't help but miss the people that I love in my other city. Add to that that the job market in Cleveland was even worse than I thought it would be and I very quickly began to kick myself. I applied for countless jobs in both Chicago and Cleveland (at least ten a day for about two months at the peak) with responses only from a few companies that I would rather be poor than work for. It was very, very upsetting to turn down jobs while not having money, and even worse when I got rejected for jobs I didn't even want in the first place. Grr, ya know what I mean?

Needless to say that when I hit the three month mark of this I began to get slightly depressed. Add to that that I decided to stop taking my meds (partly for cost effectiveness as well as seeing if I truly needed them anymore ...turns out I'm good for now, although if I do ever need them again I will not hesitate to start up again under doctor's orders) and I wasn't doing too great for a bit there. But after five months of hard searching and patience I found a job. Actually two. A part-time gig doing street team work (unglamorous but a fabulous in at a great radio station) and a potential full-time one working with an advertising and marketing firm (I'm in a trial period holding pattern thing for another week or so before I find out ... wish me luck!). I'm happily going to juggle both and i feel really good about it. Now I'm feelling really good about my decision, and although I still want to get back out to Chicago some time soon, I'm not feeling like a fool for not taking the risk of staying in Chicago with no money.

On the family front everything has been more or less fantastic. My sister is doing marvelously and I've actually gotten to see her two times with a third coming up very soon. This is the most I've seen of her in one year since she moved away for college! My father can be frustrating at times, but overall he's great, and my mother has been outstandingly supportive - more so than I thought she would be. So...great, right?

So things have been good. I wish I had a fella to call my own, but at the same time I'm completely loving being single. I mean, I went to Vegas and got to flirt with cute guys and have an amazing time with abandon and no concern for who would get upset. I even got to kiss a firefighter while there. Cross fantasy number 25f (kissing a firefighter who spends all day running into burning building and saving kittens and babies...or thats what I choose to believe he would be doing) off the list of things I would love to have happen in my life.

The only thing that has been a little sticky has been on the friend front. Now don't get me wrong, i adore all my friends out here and wouldn't trade any of them for anything. However, they can be a trial at times. Some are causing needless drama while others are being downright moody. There's jealousy and gossip and heartbreak. It's frustrating, but since it's only a fraction of the time that we spend together I'm finding it easy to deal with. I just focus on all the times when we're having amazing fun and doing heart warmingly wonderful things, i.e. picking out pumpkins for the fall, going to Haunted Houses around Halloween, going to the beach, having fire pits, watching baseball, and going dancing downtown. And I can do that cause luckily I have been smart enough to keep out of it, more or less. Hooray!

Yes, Lucky Readers, things are actually going well for me, knock on wood. Not as fabulous as they could be, but I'm getting there. After a fairly rough summer I'm feeling fine about where I am, what I'm doing, and I'm beginning to get an idea of where I'm going. Since I like to have direction, I think that that is just enough to make me declare that I am pleasantly and simply content.

Now I shall lay back in my easy chair and sip my warm apple cider while I watch Good Eats and look at icanhazcheezburger.com.

Ahhh...sip...content sigh.

Look at me! I'm happy and content! WEE!!!

Okay ... so it's been about a month since I've written on here. So I'm going to give you a hopefully brief update.

Essentially, I am now a college graduate. The ceremony was wonderful and surprisingly fun and I was thrilled to see my family. They helped me to move out of my Chicago apartment and I returned to Cleveland. I desperately miss Chicago and all of my friends there. I wish i could just walk down to the beaches on the nice days and spend my nights hanging out in dive bars with my bestest buddies. But they're there. I'm here. Hopefully I'll be there for a visit soon. But until then, here I stay.

But, I am incrediblly happy to be back in Cleveland. I'm having a lot of fun with my friends out here who are all happy to have me back. We've been exploring parts of the city that I either forgot existed or never knew did, so it's turning out to be quite the adventure. I'm getting closer to my family again, and I'm enjoying the simple things like getting to drive my car and sit outside near fire pits. It's been fabulous.

My girl Neat and I are having amazing fun together. Going to concerts, going downtown to clubs and dancing, seeing fireworks go boom into the night sky ... it's all been amazingly fun! We've also been planning our trip to Vegas (woohoo!), which I think will be super cool. We have another friend joining us and I have a feeling that it will be even more awesome because of it. I simply can't wait. Oh! And I think I will be going out to St. Louis with my family for a little trip to a man-made lake. It's supposed to be super cool, and it should be fun. So...vacations ho!

Overall I've taking care of myself very well. Emotionally I've been more or less relaxed, calm and even keeled. I had one minor argument with a friend that I won't really get into but i don't feel like it was my fault. But nonetheless, I've been keeping balanced and in a good, happy place. As for my physical being, I've been doing good with that. I've been cooking alot, eating well, working out, and I've lost nearly ten pounds. Now if I could only keep it off...

I'm enjoying this bit of downtime that I have between school and beginning to work. Speaking of which, there hasn't been much progress in this department. Until today that is. I had an interview with a company that I would love to work for. I'd be selling ad space, but doing so with individualized packages and with lots of flexibility. I'm super excited about the possibility of working with this company. And the fact that the interview went swimmingly well doesn't hurt at all. I even have another interview setup for tomorrow with them in another branch, so I'm pretty sure that they are interested in me. At least that's what I hope for.

So basically, good things right now. Hooray!

Kendragon may take the floor to present its resolution...

I bring to the floor a resolution. If someone is looking to my blog hoping to find hurtful and horrible information about him/her, they should realize that this is hurtful/insulting and would never happen, and furthermore make a point of not calling me to complain and make demands after he/she tries REALLY, REALLY hard to misconstrue a compliment I gave said person (after I was given permission to write about him/her) into an insult.

All those in favor ...

But I'm not going to name/insult the individual who did not abide by the points of this resolution. Because I'm not going to give said individual the satisfaction of doing exactly what said person was looking for. I will, though, state that I find both the action and the very idea that anyone could for a minute think that I would/could public defame an acquaintance that has done me no harm hurtful and disturbing.

Oh! And did I mention that this came on the same day that I got a rejection letter from the job that I most wanted to date. A cold, generic letter that met me just minutes before I was going to call the company to follow up on my application. Yea. The job hit came about an hour before the aforementioned call. Great, great couple of hours. But that's all I will say about that.

Otherwise things are good right now. Stressful, but good. My days are filled with simple things but a lot of them. So essentially they are long and fairly boring. But it's cool. I'm a mere week away from being a college graduate, and about two and a half away from being back home.

Super-duper-happy-excitied, Lucky Readers.

On top of the, Neat and I just solidified when we are going to Vegas, and although it won't be as soon as I previously thought, the fact that we are going and at a much cheaper rate then we thought before (reason for postponing...) makes it totally and completely cool to me.

But I'm trying not to get too excitied about things to come. For now I'm focusing on the present; including my presentation that is to start in just about an hour, the meeting I have to attend tonight, writing my Capstone paper and preparing for a presentation tonight, compiling notebooks of previous work to try and help me get a job, working out, helping a friend make a business plan with only a little experience with it myself, and thinking about packing my stuff.

And that's only what I'm doing before the family converges on Chicago to steal me away from the city, at which point all new craziness will begin.

And now I'm speaking in stereotypical blogger tones. See! This is what stress does to me...

I would say it's the end of an era ... but that's cheesy, isn't it?

You know what I'm doing as I write this? Hmm? Do ya?

I'm working my last shows at the Reskin aka my box office. I have less than a week as the Ass BOM (best job title ever), and this makes me extremely sad. I love working here. And I love who I work with. It's been tons of good times and I simply hate that I can never legitamately come here for a shift again.

That's how much I like this job, Lucky Readers.

But it's not like I'm leaving for no reason. I'm about to graduate and move out of this phase of my life. I'm going to be going back to Cleveland to start a (read this next part as chipper and upbest as possible for full effect) ... new adventure! Hooray! I'm apparently a thirteen year old girl in a Judy Blume book.

Rather I am going back home for comfort's and finance's sake. But none the less, I'm doing something different than my current norm (although it is arguablly a norm in a different sense...but..whatevs) and hopefully I will be given the opportunity to do something really great with my time as soon as I get there.

And now the cheesy girl-in-a-new-city montage starts with 80's pop music playing behind me as I look at the sights around me with an overly enthusiastic grin as lighting spotted directly on my eyes gives them an angelic yet winsome glint, unpack my boxes and laugh when the dog grabs/runs off with my favorite sweater, and walk arm-in-arm with my friends into the frame which is getting closer and closer to my face before it freezes on my toothy, white smile.

Anyway...

I'm am getting pumped about Cleveland though. Chicago will be a fond, fond memory and hopefully I will return some day for more than a short visit to see my friends. But I'm all about the Cleveland. Everything about it. Except not having a job. Oh, if only I had a job. Sigh.

But the friends and the family being around will be amazing. Although I am going to have to do my best to stay out of the bad behaviors that it has taken me so long to break out of. I've realized over the past few weeks that I use them as coping mechanisms in different of stressful situations. And usually going back home triggers both. Although I know that Cleveland isn't the reason why I started to be all crazy in the first place, I fear what will happen if I don't watch myself and fall into old patterns. So I'll watch that. And then it won't happen. And then I'll be happy. And then everyone will be happy.

See...it's an easy solution.

So what did we learn today? Well, we learned that leaving a job you love/people you love is always sad. We learned that being excitied about moving is always awesome. We learned that movie cliches are fun to write down (and hopefuly to read). And finally we learned that keeping crazy in check by watching triggers is going to be beneficial to me and by proxy the rest of the world.

We learned alot today kiddies. Good job keeping up. Gold stars for everyone!

Oh, and I made the picture about a year ago. At work. Sigh.

Kendragon pulls into the final stretch

So ... I'm getting into the last days of college. And the fact that I can say that makes me nervous. But happy nervous. Good nervous. Life-about-to-change nervous.

But that kind of goes without saying don't it?

Otherwise I've been super happy for the past few days. Oh, except for the fact that Subway has decided to keep my credit card. Or rather I forgot it there cause the woman ringing me out was being incrediblly slow and strange about the way she did it so I got confused and rushed out. And when I went back to get it they "didn't know where it was - it could be in 10 places! tee hee!" So I had to cancel my card, which is fun.

But anyway!!!!

Everything else - great! I'm still planning the trip to Vegas with Neat (although that might be held off on for a bit to save money - but it will happen!), getting ready for family to come out to Chicago, getting ready for the big move to Cleveland, applying for jobs (not extremely frustrated so far...), planning a going-away party, and overall just enjoying the rest of my time in Chicago.

And I'm in the box office for pretty much the last time. I have only one week left and although it will be extremely busy this week, I'm fairly sad about the leaving overall. I love my coworkers and will miss them tons. I'll miss us finding ways to entertain ourselves. Like teaching my coworker who is originally from Israel about country music. Or making fun of vloggers on YouTube. Or mocking annoying patrons (that's right. if you are annoying or say something silly when calling into a box office, we will be polite to you while on the phone, but will mock you as soon as you can't hear us.).

But the end of that era aside, I'm getting to the excitied place for graduation and enjoying the fact that my meds are clearly working (knock on wood, toss salt over my shoulder, etc.). I've been consistently level for the past two weeks and I'm beginning to think that it isn't coincidence. For this I am exceedingly grateful.

So I'm off to enjoy some of the last time I have at work. And then I will enjoy some of the last time I have in school. And then I will enjoy some of the last time I have in Chicago.

Cause it's starting to flee y'all. Fast.

Sporadic joy is the sweetest of all joyness

Okay. I'm happy. And for once it's for no reason whatsoever. And that makes me happier. Although there is a reason for the -er part of that. But that's not important...

I was at my doctor's this morning and she asked me how the last week had been. And for once I was able to honestly say good. She was obviously happy for me, but wanted me to identify what was different. And for once I couldn't identify anything. The more I thought about it I realized that the last week had simply been good. No muss, no fuss.

And this makes me so thrilled. Happy. Me. For no reason. This truly deserves a greatly felt, healthy huzzah!

Maybe this means that my meds are finally working. Maybe this means that therapy is helping. Maybe it means that I am finally beginning to get out of my long-term low. Maybe its a combination of all of them. Whatever it is, I don't care. And I'm not going to kill it with questions.

Be happy for me Lucky Readers. Add some happiness to my stockpile that I have recently decided to form.

Beyond that, though, I'm excitied about a few other things. Ever since I decided to go back to Cleveland I have been becoming increasingly happy about the choice. I'm planning summer time fun with my friends, making vague plans with my family, get excitied about summer events that I have come to associate with the season (read as art festivals, rib cook-offs, and outdoor concerts), and planning a vacation with one of my best friends ever, ever.

Yes, my best girl whom I will call Neat (as in an old, 1950s-ish way of saying awesome and super cool) and I are finally going to go to Vegas. Neat and I have been trying to find a way that I can join her on her pretty much annual vacation to the city of sin. She has invitied me every year for the past three and I have never been able to go because of either timing or money. But this year I decided that I am going to go no matter what. I have the time right now (you know, with the whole no job in Cleveland yet thing) and if I start saving now I can afford it.

So we're going. It's going to be me and Neat taking over the town. Just shortly after my graduation at that, so it'll pretty much be the best graduation gift ever. And I'm wicked excitied. Now it's just a matter of making arrangements and whatnot. But that should actually be kind of fun. WEEEEEEEE!

Finally, I am really proud of my family right now. Everyone is pushing really hard to try and help me find a job. I know that shouldn't really be surprising, but it kind of is. They normally just kind of let things happen and don't really take an active role. But they are telling their friends about me, distributing my resume to as many people as possible, and in generally being very awesome about it. This pleases me muchly.

So to sum up ... Kendragons are happy. And dancing around adorablly in celebration, as is their custom.

Everyone say awwwww.

Here it is! Justification for part of my crazy. Enjoy!

I hate feeling alone. Isolated. Abandoned. Rejected. And I find more and more all the time that I feel all these things.

I've been talking to my therapist alot over the past monthish about why I have this whole rejection thing. And basically all I have come to realize is that I have every reason to feel so. It's not just in my head. And surprisingly, that is the most depressing thing of all.

I have been rejected heavily by my peers. Multiple times. Beginning in elementary school, continuing through middle school, and persisting in high school. And then starting all over again in college (apparently I'm not hip enough to hang out with the drug addict drama queens...hmmm, maybe this is part of the problem). It happened again after going to a summer camp for four summers that was really influential to me. A year or so after the last year I was there, people stopped responding to my attempts to reach out to them.

But it goes beyond that. My extended family on both sides is either non-existant (my mom's side, until I was 19) or basically doesn't care about me unless I'm right in front of them (my dad's side only tries to communicate with me at Christmas, and then it's only to make sure that they know vaguely what age I am). My sister and I talk only when there is something important going on or when she's bored at the airport. My mom and dad care about me, but they always shy away from talking to me when anything is really getting to me.

And then there's the guy situation. I kind of matured early (read as 11) so from a really young age I got alot of attention from guys (and creepy old men, but that's another situation all together). But since it wasn't okay for anyone to talk to me for, oh say 5 years of grade school, no guy was allowed to admit that he liked me (assuming that any really did...sigh). So the only guys who paid any attention to me did so either completely out of the public eye or blatantly told me that they wouldn't talk to me in public after they got me to make out with them. The only couple guys that I actually got close enough to date always ended badly, usually because they thought I was too needy.

So pretty much, yes, I do have a thing about rejection. And it's totally justified.

Woo-fucking-hoo.

I only bring this up, Lucky Readers, cause I'm beginning to think about the fact that I'm going to be going back to Cleveland in about a month. And while I'm sure that my Chicago friends are going to miss me, I know from previous experience that it will last about a month. And then over the following one they will gradually forget about me unless someone brings me up. But they won't bother to write or call, cause no one ever does. They will simply sigh, take a sip of their drink, and move on to the next topic.

I know how melodramatic and silly that sounds. And I'm probably misinterpretting all fo the previous rejections. But this is all I have to go off of.

And if we can't learn from past experiences, than we learn nothing.

Right? Right.

So I've been pondering...

So I finally made a choice for after graduation. And it's Cleveland.

Here's my thought process:

Primarily, I have no solid job leads in Chicago, and from the looks of things I won't anytime soon. Now I don't have any in Cleveland either. But here's the rub - I don't have to pay for housing there. In Chicago I would have to scrounge to find a crappy apartment in my price range that I would have to struggle to afford. So that versus only having to pay about a hundred a month to my mom for food, etc. ... I think the choice there is clear.

But it obviously goes beyond that. Otherwise I would have been able to make up my mind a long time ago.

You see, my big debate was did I want to go back to Cleveland to have my emotional stability (mom, dad, long-time friends, etc.), or did I want to stay in Chicago where I would be more likely to break into entertainment (what with the more opportunites for it)? It raged for about four months now with no real decision. I went back and forth a bunch of times, pretty much changing my mind by the day.

Well this all came to a head when I was looking at available jobs in the Chicago area. I happened upon a few that I am definitely qualified for, and I know I would be good at. But when it came to the moment when I would normally hit the button to get the contact info, I couldn't. I physically could not get myself to move my finger. When I talked to a friend about that phenomenon, she then asked me the simple but very vital question, "Is that because you didn't think you could do the job, or is that because you didn't want to do the job here?"

And the light went on, Lucky Reader. It was clearly the latter. My mind was made up.

My gut has been trying to tell me that Cleveland makes more sense, and I have been telling it to shut up. For me, right now, it's the way to go. And so I've made the choice.

Besides, it's not like I'm tied to whatever city I'm in ... ever. If I decide in a year or two that Cleveland just isn't working out for me, I can come back to Chicago. Or I can go to New York. Or I can go to Uzbekastan. I can do anything I want to any time I want to.

And right now I want to go back to Cleveland after I graduate so that I can work on getting my head straight.

I'm very happy with my decision, Lucky Reader. Be happy for me.

And the Kendragons Rejoice!

So... break is over. I'm back in Chicago and I'm once again finding myself at the start of a new quarter.

Sigh!

But it's the last quarter of my undergraduate degree, and in a very short three months I will be forced to enter the real world, and I'm sure by the time I reach that point I will be sitting slack jawed with drool dribbling out of my numb mouth because I will have been struck dumb by wondering with great fervor how in the Hell time went so very, very fast.

So I decided that I am going to live the next few months in the present, enjoying this nearly-finished period in my life (or as much as possible while searching for a job and trying to plan my truly adult life). Which will be made much easier because I actually did have an amazingly relaxing Spring Break.

You see, Lucky Readers, despite the car fire my time in Cleveland was tons-o-fun. I got to spend a lot of good time with Ted, I hung out with my friends doing many of the things I love to do with them (read as watching the guys get way too into March Madness games, playing far too intense games of Catch Phrase and Can't Stop, making up the rules for a drinking game version of Sorry!, and going down to West 6th to get pushed and shoved through tiny places while paying far too much for only alright drinks but enjoying every moment of it), got to see my family (well...most of it), and caught up on my sleep cycle. And although I got a really bad headache the last day I was there, I didn't really care all that much. It was a fantastic break, y'all.

And the fact that one of my best Cleveland friends will be coming out this weekend to visit just makes it feel like the break will be prolonged, and there is nothin' wrong with that.

So overall, happiness is occuring in the land of the Kendragon right now. And this makes her very pleased.

I just need to shut out the little nagging voice in the back of my head that is trying to bring me down right now, what with it's "You have classes and homework coming! Ha, ha!", "You'll never get a good job! Tee hee!", and "You've wasted the last three and a half years of your life! What a loser!"-ish comments. Cause if I don't it will succeed in dragging me down. Again. And I don't want that. I want to stay in this nice, level area that I have been at for nearly a week now (thank you very much!) for as long as humanly possible.

So to combat this evilness before it get too strong, I will do the follow:

I'll keep up my mantras. I'll keep my nose to the grindstone. I'll keep taking my meds. I will work out (again!) and eat well. I will enjoy the sun when it is shinning. I'll read all the books I need to read as well as some of the ones I want to read. I will wathc many, many films. I'll keep up with friends and family. I won't get overwhelmed and stressed. I will allow Ted to continue to treat me as well as I deserve without sabotaging it cause my crazy tells me I'm not worth it. I will not get distracted or depressed. I will not waste time or money. I will graduate with flying freaking colors!

What? I totally will ...

I can yell "Fire" in a crowded room with justification.

So I came back to Cleveland and what did Cleveland do to say "Welcome Home"?

IT LET MY CAR CATCH ON FIRE!!!!!!

Did you catch that?

My CAR caught on FIRE!!!

Yes, Lucky Readers, I went out to meet some friends for sushi, and on the way noticed that my car was making a weird sound. Not so weird that I felt I needed to pull over, but strange enough for me to notice. And as I was turning in to the parking lot, a person in another car screamed something I couldn't hear. That made me worried. So I parked and got out of my car and walked over to where the noise was coming from and saw

A FUCKING FIRE!!!!!

The brake pads on my car were bright red (as in I could have hammered them into a lovely metal sculpture if I had the tools) and there were flames coming from beside them. As I frantically called people to try and figure out what to do, the brake pads cooled off, but the flames remained, at a slow burn. So I went to a valet boy outside the restaurant and told him that my car was on fire and he got a hostess to bring out some water to throw on it to put it out.

After it went out, the valet boy checked underneath my car and told me that the flames had been very close to the gas line of my car. So I was all of about five minutes away from a potential explosion.

WEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, this is not the first time this car has tried to kill me. It's tried pretty successfully two other times before (lost all power to my car in the middle of an intersection, making me nearly hit two cars, and the e-brake went down on its own once while I was driving on icy roads, making my car spin around one and a half times)and has been just plain bitchy every other time I drive it. So now I think that it may be offically dead. Or at least, I ain't driving her ever, ever again.

The cunt.

But the sushi was delicious. And getting to see my friends was great. As I have done for the past two nights and will definitely do for the next two, we family is already wonderful, and I'm going to be seeing Ted tonight. In other words, break is already making me happy. As I hoped it would. So...hooray!!!!!

Be proud of me Lucky Readers. I'm happy and I didn't get all blowed up.

Two points for me!




Oh ... and I actually made this rather fitting collage. Hope you like.

There's nothing more I would love to do than chillax, Amanda...

Approximately four hours, Lucky Readers.

I am approximately four hours away from the official end of the quarter from hell.

I am thrilled and happy beyond belief. And I will surely be disappointed when I exit the room from taking my last final exam and confetti/multi-colored balloons don't drop from the sky in a flurish of delightful hues as noise makers trumpet the whiny joy of a college student who is far too happy to be done with studying ... even if it is only for a week.

Stupid education...

But yes, only one test left and it should go well enough. I just finished making a study guide (that I have already given to two other classmates to study from, and will probably give to a couple more before the start of the test), and now I'm taking a breather before running off to find a quiet place to review the overly simplistic coverings of the extremely elementary area of study that is Human Resources Management. Or at least that is how my professor has made it for the last ten weeks.

But anyway...

I'm really looking forward to my spring break. Which will offically begin the minute I walk out of that horrible, horrible classroom and head over to meet awesome roomie to finally see 300. After which I will head home to clean the apartment (which desperately needs it), pack, and hopefully make a collage that I think will be really cute when I finish.

You see, tomorrow I'm heading home to Cleveland, at which point I will be around my family, friends, and (starting on Friday) Ted. I will spend my time there chillaxing, reading, knitting, seeing some of my current favorite people, and (hopefully!) interviewing for a job, if I can convince the dude to meet with me.

And it will be grand. To have a couple days to just fucking be - without stress and whatnot. It will be like my entire body saying "Ahhhhhhhhh!" and this notion truly pumps me up.

The only snag I may have is that my doctors have decided to start me on a new med, and the fact that it will probably mess with my body for the first few weeks kind of makes me sad. Oh! And don't forget about the fact that they told me that if I were to get pregnant right now (don't worry though, I have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE to do that), the kid would come out all deformed and creepy cause of the medication I'm on.

And cut to when the kid is four, following me around screaming "One of us! One of us!" all the time. I ... I just don't think I wanna deal with that.

But, hey, it will make me better in the end, so whatever happens in the beginning is totally worth it. And, you know, giving me a twentith reason to not want to have a kid at this point in my life is totally awesome too.

If you haven't picked up on this yet (and you'd ahve to be fairly slow to not have picked up on this fact by now), I've made a turn for the positive again. This time, it was just going to see my doctors, and having them force me to realistically talk about what was going through my head that helped. In a few sort weeks I have become completely comfortable talking to them about my stuff, and it feels amazing to do so. Cause I never really have been able to do that with anyone before. In fact, it made me feel so good, that after my session I went over to the Gap and did some sale shopping, which only helped my good mood.

I freaking love a deal, y'all.

I do believe that one of these days this whole therapy thing will prove to be one of the most positive things I will have ever done for myself. And while it may suck to deal with everything, it's gonna all be for the best. And the fact that I am beginning to think this way makes me see that my outlook is changing. For this reason, I am extremely proud of myself.

But now I'm off to study. Although ... since I have so much time, I think I will first head down to the bookstore and pick up a new graphic novel, per my going-back-to-cleveland ritual. It'll be freaking sweet!

Wish me luck, Lucky Readers!


Three hours and fourty-five minutes...

Life stuck on repeat

Despite me grandest of efforts, I let myself think a rather foolish thought, Lucky Reader. I let myself, for five seconds, believe that being happy for three days meant that I was all not crazy anymore.


Isn't that a fun trick to play on myself? So silly! Tee hee!

The past couple days have been really rough. Again. Surprise, surprise. But I handled it better than the last bout of badness. Nothing harmful happened this time. In fact, when I had ... bad thoughts ... I made a healthier choice and made a collage. This may sound like a little victory to other people, but to me it's huge. Mostly cause if I could do it once, that means I can do it again.

This was my beaches of Normandy, people.

Plus, Ted really stepped up to the plate and helped me through the worst of it. Before, I had been afraid to reach out to him and tell him about what I was going through. Cause even though he knew about my crazy (and has been wonderful about it, by the by. He's responded with openness and a desire to understand, which is exactly how someone should respond to such news. I really like him, guys...) I was afraid that if he actually bore witness to it it would scare him away. But it didn't. He just stayed on the phone with me until I felt better. He let me talk through it as much as possible, asked questions to help me articulate my thoughts, and tried really hard to just make me smile, which, sadly, is all I really need sometimes. I am so fucking proud of him right now, Lucky Readers, and I feel so very lucky that I have someone like him.

But none the less, its still been rough. Especially in light of the previous low period (which was only about a week ago. That's right, I'm off balance as shit, y'all!). Basically, I had let myself binge on bad behavior during the previous low period. I didn't fight the urges I get and instead I gave into them. Even though I knew that I shouldn't. And that I had been okay for nearly three months prior to that. And afterwards I was left reeling in my own head, wondering what the hell just happened.

Wow. Reading that back it makes me sound like I do heavy drugs or binge drink. Especially in light of the fact that I'm watching Intervention right now. Rest assured, Lucky Readers, I do not. I'm not that crazy.

But, yea. The roughness of the past couple days has been heartbreaking to me. Especially after I actually felt normal, at least much more than I have for a bit now. And to feel this way now ... it sucks.

Suckity suck suck sucks.

But I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. And I'll be going back to Cleveland on the 21st. And the quarter from hell has only two days remaining in it. And the opera's done so I never have to work one ever again (hooray!). And I am loved.

Ecetera, ecetera, ecetera.

So once again, I'm going to keep repeating that stuff to myself. But this is getting exhausting and it's not really working all too fantastically. And I'm getting really frustrated.

I'm trying to get better. But the getting better is making things worse. And I know that it has to be that way sometimes, but COME ON! How much do I have to put up with in order to get there?

I go to my doctors so I can get the medication I need to balance out. But there I have to talk about why I need it and that makes me dig up the shit I hate to think about. And then the rough stuff is just laying there, exposed and raw in a vat of salt. And I can't help but think about it. And then I can't help but dwell on it. And that makes me feel like I did for eight years.

But...things aren't really as bad as I see them as being. Not even close.

And the fact that I have to conciously tell myself that over and over again sucks incrediblly.

Unicorns and rainbows are EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!

So the worst of my worst days are over ... relatively speaking. I still have the craziness of the opera this weekend at work, but that shouldn't be too, too terrible. Although I do hate the opera. The customers who call in, leading them through seating charts, getting yelled at cause the music school takes all the good seats, dealing with the music school, dealing with the primadonna cast members/musician (and yes, primadonnas are worse than drama queens), and the very fact that its an opera which i can appreciate but just don't dig on ... I hate everything about it! But hey, at least I don't have to watch it this year.

Am I right?!? *Puts hand up in the air waiting for someone to high five it* Am I right ?!?

But besides the prospect of that looming over my head I am actually ... big breath now ...

HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, crazy right? But yea I was walking down the street today and I realized that for the first time in like two months, I was happy without any influence at all (you see, I can be happy when, say, I'm hanging out with friends or visiting Ted. But without anything like that ... not so much)! I literally has a bounce in my step, Lucky Readers!

So to celebrate I put one of my new favorite mixes onto my iPod and I lip-sang along to it while I rode the El and walked down the streets without giving two shits what anyone thought about it. But I did resist the urge to dance until I got back to the apartment. That would have been too much, me thinks.

I'm not sure why I was so happy. Nor do I think I really care. I mean, it could be that the roughest days of this hellsih end to the quarter from hell are over. Or it could be that I am going home in about a week now and I simply cannot wait to see the streets of my little slice of Cleveland suburbia, friends there, family, and (sigh!) Ted. Or maybe its that my therapy and meds are finally beginning to squelsh my crazy enough that I can actually be at my base level for a few days without interruption.

The point is, I don't care. I'm just so happy that it happened, and I want to enjoy it without killing it with questions.

And speaking of my therapist, I started meeting with her this week (before it was just a psychiatrist, and now I get both - that's just how crazy I am!) which meant that I had to give my history to her and can I just say ... how am I not more crazy than I am?

But we'll leave that for another day, when I'm not so happy.

And now I leave you so I can go skipping down the beautiful sunny streets of my beautiful sunny city while animated flowers bloom and grow behind me and blue birds soar towards my head tweeting a melody over the up-tempo, Disneyesque music!

Remember when I said I was going to try to be positive? Yea, I do too...

I really don't know how I'm going to get through this next week. Or rather nine-ish days. I just took a look at my schedule again (which is really dumb of me to do right now because every time that I do I feel like the floor is opening up and beginning to chew on my toes just to tease me before expanding the full arc of the jaw and swallowing me whole), and felt like I was going to cry because of how utterly terrified I am at the prospect of getting everything done on time.

Let me explain a bit. You see, I do too much stuff. I attend university in a conservatory program that is still rather intense. I am working toward getting my minor, which is forcing me to take lot of commerce classes with really boring/irritating/annoying/overly-demanding, unrealistic professors, with few exceptions. All of them are requiring lots of work for finals week, and most of them are all about the group projects, which are highly annoying because I hate to work with groups when I have no real way of demanding work from the group members/compaining to anyone when they don't produce. So all that means that I get stuck doing all the work and getting all the blame if we get even one point off (yes, that did happen recently in my very worst class. From a girl who had never even emailed anyone none the less!)

I am doing an internship at a local theatre, and because I need as many hours as possible to meet the course requirements so that I can get class credit and graduate on time, I am having to agree to working lots, and lots, and lots of hours. I work at my other theatre as well, and we are just about to be entering the hell week for the opera rental which means even more work. And while it also means a nice chunk of change for me (again, in college terms), it will surely suck in the extreme.

I'm trying to keep healthy, which means spending lots of time trying to keep up communications with people at home. But, that also means the stress of talking with them cause they all have their own issues too (not that I mind. far from it. I just have so much else on my plate right now). I'm trying to keep up a newer relationship with Ted over long-distance, which is great in the sense of having another support person, but difficult because I miss him, and that alone is adding more stress.

Oh, and let's not forget going to the doctor once a week to rehash things that I have been diligently suppressing for years and years now, and being on new medications that apparently have to beat me up before they start to really work. Oh, and the meds make me really tired so that I can barely wake-up in the mornings and I have a hard time studying at night ... both of which boded well for my final that I had this morning that I do not believe went too well. Hooray!

All and all, it's a fun, fun time for me. And I simply cannot wait for it to be done so that I have a couple days to just chillax in Cleveland before starting it all up again.

Anyone feel like trading places with me until then? Hmm? No takers?

Damnit.

Liquor ... but I just met her! aka Drunkity drunk drunk drunk!

I broke my drinking streak this weekend. I drank way too much and got sick for the first time ever, Lucky Readers ... from liquor that is. And let me just say I still don't get what the big hullabaloo is about drinking till you get sick. It hurts (I learned that throwing up alchol REALLLLLLY burns), it's messy, and I have felt redonkulously ill all day (beyond hangover my friends). Plus, Ted got really mad when he found out how drunk I got (well... as really mad as he gets. He's a very mellow guy ... never even raised his voice), and although I love that he cares enough to get upset, I hate that I made him so.

Never, ever, ever again Lucky Readers.

The rest of the weekend wasn't much better. I worked at my internship nearly all of the first nice weather weekend we've had in months. I still am stressed beyond belief and can't focus enough to study ... like I should be doing right about now actually.

Oh...and my crazy is making me do bad things again. Wee!!!!!!

But I don't want to dwell on all that. I want to be as positive as possible right now. So instead I'm going to think about how I'm almost done with the quarter from hell, how I have awesome friends (who held my hair back for me even), an amazing man in my life, lots of money coming my way (in college terms that is), spring break coming (10 days away from Cleveland!), and an appointment with my doctor, which I will use to try and decipher my crazy some more.

I will have a good week Lucky Readers. I will, I will, I will, I will, I will! Even if it freakin' kills me ...

I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish!

I wish ... oh so many things, Lucky Reader. I do this on a daily basis anymore, and I feel like if I don't share them I will eventually pop. And I don't want that. I don't want my head to explode in a brilliant zombie movie flash and for the gooey bits of my former head to be splattered all over whoever happens to be close by. And since our computer system is going wonkey today and i can't do any work, I thought now might be a good time to share it.

For starters, I wish I knew what I wanted after college.

I know I keep on bringing this up, but it is a major issue for me right now. I am still so completely torn between Chicago and Cleveland, and every single day I seem to be changing my mind. To break it down into basics, Chicago has the industry, Cleveland has the family. So basically I need to make a decision between having a successful career, and having my safety net. It's so hard for me, and I just can't make a decision. And I don't know how to get closer to that point. I think that may be the most frustrating thing about the situation overall ...

I wish Ted* and I lived in the same state.

Right now there are only two truly, solidly, undisrupted positive things I have going for me. One is awesome roomie. The other is Ted. And while the latter is fabulous and wonderful and everything I need in my life right now, he still lives in Toledo. And although I get to see him fairly often, it isn't enough. And it sucks. I miss him ... alot ... more than I want to admit.

I wish the quarter from Hell was done already.

Okay, that one is pretty self explanatory. This quarter has sucked. It's been a lot of long days, long nights, and long projects (most of them with groups - hooray). I have had so little free time it's ridiculous. My sleep cycle is incrediblly off and all I want is to sleep for a week straight right now. And don't call that senioritis. It's not. It's I-hate-stupid-professors-itis.

I wish my crazy would fix itself.

Yes, I am very happy that I am getting my crazy taken care of, Lucky Reader. But this process is really hard on me and hurting. It's altering the actual manifestation of the crazy, and it's putting me really off balance. For instance, last night i was hanging out with my friends, having a really good time. Out of nowhere, though, I suddenly got really sad and just wanted to leave and go home. In fact i didn't feel right until I was walking into my apartment again. That used to happen to me alot when I was in high school, but hasn't for a long enough time now that it is making me worry.

I just want to cut to four months from now when it should be better and I wont feel like this anymore. But until then, let me just say that I love being crazy! It's fantastic fun!

I wish it was spring break already!

I'm going to be going back to Cleveland for about a week for it, and I'm really excitied. I get to see my family, have rawkus fun with my very good friends, get to see Ted for a few days, and finally just CHILLAX!!! It's going to be amazing and I am very eager.

Finally, I wish that my meeting with my academic advisor goes well today.

She might tell me that my graduation is going to be delayed. I'm wicked nervous and I really hope it doesn't happen. So, cross your fingers for me, Lucky Readers.

I appreciate it!

*For future reference, all names in my blog are changed.