It''s been about two weeks since I've posted anything so I figured it's time for a quick update. Sorry for the delay Lucky Readers. I've just been swamped at work and really busy in my personal time. Life, am I right?
So to update about the date I went on. First off, The Ruins, as I thought, was wonderfully, outlandishly awful. Which meant I thought it was hilarious. And the dude I went with thought so to. We had a great time mocking it but afterwards he ran off to work on a spreadsheet (seriously...that's what he did. I found out from a friend.). So I knew that either A) he didn't really think it was a date like I did (this is supported by the fact that I bought my own ticket), or B) he just didn't really dig me that much (supported by the fact that I never got a call from him afterwards).
I think it might be a little of both, but ultimately I think I'm cool with it. As lonely as I am ... and I am...very... I don't want to settle for someone who isn't crazy about me on some level. I'm hearing from people that he's just painfully shy which if that's true I understand. But if I'm not enough to make him want to come out of that shell I'd rather know it now. I think he's a really nice guy and very charming, but I'm okay with nothing further coming from it. Not thrilled, but okay. I'm just happy I went on a date, even if it was only me who thought that was what it was.
Oh, and I saw him again this last weekend with a group of friends. We talked alot while we were at dinner and had a good time doing it (at least I did). I still kind of have some sentimentality there for him so part of me hopes that he may decide that he's interested after all. I mean, I don't think I'm wholly unable to read his signals, and I keep on picking up on something. But I'm not holding my breath.
Sigh. See?
Otherwise I've been doing alot of working out and getting ready for Vegas which is in about a month. Super pumped guys. I've discovered I really like yoga even though it makes my one knee hurt a bit. I think I'm just not strong enough for it yet/not used to it fully. But I'm workin' on it. Wish me lucky with not busting my knee cap open people!
I'm also getting ready to go out to Chicago this weekend (hooray!) for my friend's wedding/Roomie's birthday. Roomie's gonna be my date cause she's awesome and I ain't got no mans. I'm super excited to see her and catch up with some college friends. Roomie andI are totally gonna look hot, eat yummy food, and dance the night away. I also have a realllly cute dress that I look foxy in that I'm pumped to wear. It'll be great.
The most prevalent things for me overall right now, though, are trying to save some money (I've been working for three months and have very little to show for it) and trying not to get low over how lonely I am. I've been good about not even being tempted to fall into that again for months now, which is joyful beyond the telling of it. But I'm worried that this is going to drag me down. I know that being aware of it is, like, 75% percent of the battle, but that other 25% of will power is feeling kind of weak right now.
I just don't understand. Why are the only people who I'm attracted to never interested in me? Oh sure, I can get strange people to come hit on me til the cows come home. But when there is absolutely no mutual attraction it's of no use to me. I know I'm looking good (the best I've looked in years), I'm more emotionally stable than I've been in as long as I can remember, I'm smart, funny, well-rounded...I know anyone would be lucky to have me. It's not a confidence issue.
So...what's the deal?
I just wish I knew what was going on so that either I can fix what I'm doing wrong or be able to understand it and not be upset about it anymore. I've been single for a little over a year now, and while I think that time has been just what I needed to get to know myself and what I want better I'm ready to be done with it now. I feel very alone on an intimacy level and there is no end for that in sight.
But...there's nothing I can do about it except keep on doing what I'm doing. Even if I am finding it exhausting.
Oh...and I really miss my friend that I stopped talking to a couple months ago. A lot. He was the person that I did most of my cultural stuff with in this city. He was also my movie going bud, and there are a bunch of movies coming out soon that I would love to see with him that I have no one else to join me for in this city (Roomie, you know you're my Chicago movie bud forever and ever). I know I did the right thing for myself and I don't question that, but the fact that I still miss him this much and have to keep reminding myself of the aforementioned benefits of the decision really, really sucks. I'm not changing my mind, but I'm also not happy about it.
So to summarize, I'm happy but desperately grasping to the positive side of the spectrum. It won't take much to tip the tetter-totter in either direction, so here's to hoping that this weekend will do the trick and tilt things over to the bright side.
All I need is for a little fat kid to waddle over to that side...
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