So yea...totally depressed. And evidently my mom thinks I'm a big bowl of crazy flakes. With or without sugar...we can't tell yet. But pour some milk on me and enjoy. Add some fruit and toast and you'll have a complete breakfast...all the way to the looney bin! Tee hee! Take THAT sanity!
More on the mother in a minute.
I feel completely alone peeps. I have no boy, no real friends in Cleveland (Neat...wow what a disappointment...friends since second grade and I don't feel like I can trust her ever again since apparently I never really knew her that well to begin with), my family has had it with me and they are beginning to show it, and I'm slowly beginning to realize just how little of a life I have. I work, and work, and work, and sleep (more and more all the time...crazy style), and then maybe once in awhile before all this bat shitness started I would hang out with my friends but as we've already determined HA! I have none of those anymore.
I like my main job alot but I already feel like it's not going to ever become what I want it to be. What do I want it to be? Fucking hell, I'm not even sure. I know I want it to pay better, of course, but that's nothing in particular. I guess it's just the fact that I already feel like I've pretty much got the game figured out and I don't see how anything is gonna change dramatically enough to get me interested.
I'm freaking living at home with my mom and a man who increasingly I feel like I don't know anymore. When you add to that that the two of us don't really like each other that much ...well it makes for awkward living. I have a shitty car and hate the idea of looking for a new one because I know I will inevitably get ripped off and I just don't have the energy right now to deal with that.
I know what I would like to do for a living but don't think it's going to happen...ever. I have literally dreamed about it which is so freaking cliche that it's laughable. But I want to be a film critic and I have absolutely no idea how to make that happen in a format that works with my schedule. Hell I work so much lately that I haven't even been able to see a new movie in literally months much less write a critique. What the f.
And again, I want to be back in Chicago so badly I can taste it. I don't have many close friends there anymore...in fact only three definite ones and a couple vague ones. But they are people that I know love me for who I am through and through and I desperately need their presence in my life right now in a more tangible way than I can get over the phone.
So yea. Hate my life right now. I'm all alone and completely depressed. Fucking hooray. This after I just got back from Vegas. I should be incredibly happy right now. But no...sad.
Oh, and I'm getting over the freaking flu. Again. THIRD time this year folks, and I had a flu shot. Insult to injury anyone?
According to my mother though, she thinks that I get sick/tired/headachey so often because of my depression. She thinks I get myself so stressed over social situations that I get all psychosomatic on my own ass and I make myself sick. She's not questioning whether or not I'm actually ill, but she thinks I need to see a shrink and get on something to help this.
Umm...what did you think I was on before? Why do you think I spent money I didn't have to see two doctors? And weren't you the one who talked me out continuing therapy and my meds? Just checking...
Am I wallowing in a pit of my own sadness? Lap swimming across my depression? Belly flopping into my own craziness? Why yes I guess I am. But I figure if it's gonna come screaming back I may as well embrace it. Cause denying it never did that much before.
So listen, oh Lucky Readers:
I AM CRAZY DEPRESSED AGAIN! I'M TENDING TOWARDS MY BAD HABITS/THOUGHTS AGAIN! I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS AGAIN!
Oh wait...that last bit was more a general sob than a declaration. My bad.
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