Last post of the year mutha effas!

I don’t normally do the whole New Year’s Resolution thing. I usually find it self-indulgently narcissistic. Resolutions rarely are achievable things because people haven’t figured out the vital aspect of how they will do them, and I find they often are reflecting one’s most base negative opinion of his or her self. Here’s how I imagine resolutions going for most people. Keep in mind, this is a huge generalization. Ahem.

“I think I’m fat so I’m going to resolve to lose weight. I don’t make a real plan so I go to the gym a few times and eat better for a week or so. But then life hits me, I get depressed, and start comfort eating. Then I lose free time so I don’t go to the gym a few days in a row. Next thing I know it’s October and I haven’t lost a pound. I feel bad about myself, and have only succeeded in confirming that I am indeed as fat as I thought I was. I wallow in my negative view of myself as I gain even more weight so that I have another ten pounds on me when I make the same resolution next year.”

See – negative self-fulfilling prophesy disguised as self-help. Ew.

But I’m thinking that I might venture into this territory this year.

Here’s why:

I really like how my attitude has changed these past couple months. I’ve become a lot more positive, healthy, and (I hope) pleasant. I think it’s because I’ve been consciously trying to alter my body and mind. I’ve been planning how I will do these things and, here’s the tricky part, I’ve actually taken the necessary steps! Shocking!

So in the spirit of this success I’m going to continue to actively improve myself in 2009. And I want to put it down in writing so I can keep myself accountable (see, planning!) I figure the timing is very, very apropos, so resolutions is what I’m calling these bad boys.

This is how it’s going to go down.

This year I will:

Continue to work out, but step up my game a bit. I will not only use my trainer, but I will also take what I learn from him and more actively apply it to my routine.

Eat much better. Yes, I will continue to allow myself my little cravings when they pop up (life’s too short not to), but when I only want something cause it looks yummy aka bad for me I’m gonna say no. Healthy snacks ahoy!

Get into an apartment of my own by the end of 2009. So it has been spoken, so it will be.

Be much more responsible about my money. Nuff Said.

Find at least one more hobby and/or rediscover an old one (collages, I’m looking at you)

Start up my film blog again, and not allowing my time crunch to be a deterrent to do this. Mind over matter.

Continue to try to make myself a great sales person. I have the potential to be so, I know it. I just need to do it.

Find an outlet for my singing. A real one.

Get out to Chicago and St. Louis to visit the peeps I love and miss more often.

Be less worried about what people think of me. I will keep trying to simply be content in my self, and positive about the notion that I am a good person with a good heart.

So there are ten things, Party People (by the by…you guys are Party People now. Hope you dig it. I do.). Ten things that I think are very doable, in the line of what I’m already working towards for my life, and will only help me in my progress to becoming a better, happier Kendragon.

I encourage y’all to do something like this too. Making a list of self-improvement resolutions that are realistic, positive, and obtainable has been very satisfying. And is probably one of the best things I’ve done for myself in a bit.

There. Now I was helpful to myself and others. Hooray Kendragon!

Roth puts my streetness to the test

So I visited the Ghetto this weekend. Yea…so not as fun as rap videos make it look. Shocking, I know.

Here’s what happened Party People.

I was supposed to be getting together with Roth (hooray!) for dinner and a movie on Saturday. But then I remembered that I had a shift to work for crappy job until 9. Boo. But ever awesome Roth was flexible, and we decided to go to this place near his house to see an awesome 80s cover band. Dancing, micro-brewery beer, overall joviality … good times.

Since I was coming from work in downtown Cleveland and going to Roth’s end of town, I asked him for directions. I mean yes, he’d gotten me incredibly lost one time before (I got halfway to Pennsylvania before I realized I was way lost), but this was his turf – surely he would get me there safe and quickly. Right?

Ummm…no.

He had me take a turn that led me in the wrong direction. And he told me that I would be on that road for “a while”. I assumed that meant a few minutes…turned out it only meant a mile. But I didn’t know that at the time, so I unknowingly went for around 15 minutes into a bad part of town.

Eventually I began to notice some worrying things. Like, “Hey..sure are a lot of abandoned building around here.” “Hmm…that looks like a hooker buying drugs from someone on a well lit corner.” And then I had the best realization. “Umm…that mass of young dudes with their shirts off are yelling at each other pretty hard core. Lots of violent pointing and … oh shit! That’s a gun! He just pulled a gun and I’m driving by! Holy shit balls!”

It was round about this time it hit me that I was, in fact, in the ghetto. And despite my vast amounts of streetness, I think my nearly-albino whiteness and new car was just not gonna scare aware these people. So I made a panicked call to Roth who very calmly got me back to the right end of town safely. He stayed on the phone with me nearly the entire time and gave me a huge hug when I finally saw him. I was still shaking and apparently very pale from being so freaked. He bought me a couple beers to both calm me down and make up for nearly getting me killed. Kinda made up for it. Kinda.

We had a great time and I met a few more of Roth’s friends (who are awesome and really super funny) which was sweet. It wound up being more-or-less a win.

But dudes…Google Maps or GPS. For now on.

I'm a simpleton! Goodie!

I'm in a good mood. Have been for a bit now. Joy!

Might be because I've gone out with Roth a few times and it's been enjoyable. Perchance it could be because everyone's been real understanding about my decision to try something with him again even in the most vague of terms, save one person (who I think will eventually come around). Perhaps it's the fact that I've gotten all my Christmas shopping done. It may be due to my doing much better at work.

But I think the real reason is that I've realized that I find the most enjoyment in the strangest of places. And I've also discovered that I love this about myself.

Par example:

I adore watching songs play on my Windows Media Player while I'm at work. I can watch a song play for minutes at a time and become completely transfixed by it. My favorite setting – Plenoptic: Vox.

I love swinging. Love love love it! Everything about it - the physical effort, the window blowing my hair back and forth, the feeling like a little kid...awesome.

The crescendo in the middle of/at the end of "A Day In the Life" gives me chills every single time I hear it.

I giggle when I get something for free. Even if I don't really want it. And it's not just cause it's free. It's also because I like the idea that I have something that others don't. I can chose to keep it and enjoy, or give to someone else and be super nice. Either way I feel powerful. The power, Lucky Readers. The POWER!

I get true enjoyment from giving to others. This last weekend I received fifty yard line tickets to see the Browns play. Roth had a really bad week and had told me that he was going to be tailgating with friends on Sunday, and was hoping to get tickets. I decided to be nice and offer them to him and a friend. He got extremely excited and I know he and his friend really appreciated it. I felt good about myself, I didn't have to go to a football game in the freezing cold (read as single digit temps), and I made someone I care about feel very good. The act of giving was fantastic.

I love office supplies. Hear me? Love em! They keep me organized and that is my favorite thing to be. Hooray for tidy living!

I still have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy. I love ending statements with "That's what she said!", and one of my favorite past times with Awesome Former Roomie was to sit on the couch across from each other taking turns saying really serious hypothetical statements like, "Julie, this just isn't working. I found someone else. I'm leaving with her, and I want the kids." and following them with prolonged, quiet fart noises (made by our mouth...we're not disgusting!). Still makes me giggle to even think about it.

So yea, Lucky Readers - I'm simple. And I love this about myself. A hearty huzzah for me!

Sporadic bits that make me happy lately, and update on the controversial decision

My trainer at the gym told me that I was “petite and feminine” yesterday. I laughed at the petite part, but he explained that I’m super girlie because I always have painted fingernails, I have long blond hair that I don’t tie back too tightly when I work out, I have cute little workout outfits, and when he pushes me to do something that hurts I say ‘Owwie!’ in a high pitched squeak. I take an inordinate amount of joy in this.

Speaking of working out…ummm…I’m getting pretty hot. I’m getting very toned, and I’m beginning to lose some girth (finally), to the extent that I’m currently rocking some pants I bought my freshman year of college aka the last time I actually liked how my body looks. And my arms are looking less and less Polish everyday (read Polish arms as weak in the tricep area and frankly flab flabbity flabby!). I’m working on getting full on guns. But girlie guns. Like derringers.

I got a new calendar yesterday to put up at work. It’s vintage travel posters from roundabouts the 1920s, aka my favorite era for just about everything. I spent all morning going through and writing in birthdays and anniversaries and plans that I already have for the new year. I very nerdily enjoyed doing that. I even giggled when I highlighted my sister’s anniversary. Nerd = me!

I now have the LOVE Beatles CD and I adore listening to it at work. The music is amazing and the compilation of songs includes all my favorites. I’ve become re-obsessed with ‘Something’, and I’ve decided that along with ‘God Only Knows’ it will be played at my wedding. And if my future fiancée doesn’t like it…well we might have some problems. So Awesome Roomie…you’re gonna have to deal.

Mostly, though, I’m happy about how the date with Roth went. Here’s how it went down:

He wanted us to go to the same place we went for our first date, which I know was his attempt at ‘Let’s start over’ without being so corny as to say the words. We were both a bit nervous at first, but it became very comfortable pretty quickly on. We joked a lot like we used to, we updated each other on our lives, and upon his request we talked about what happened. It was oddly very nice to get everything out in the open and to be very blunt with each other. At one point he asked me if any friends were against the idea of us getting together, and I very bluntly told him yes, everyone was. “You hurt me and they don’t want to see my upset again. But they love me and want me to be happy so they are supporting me, even if it’s reluctantly.”

Dudes, his response reminded me of why I liked him in the first place. He nodded his head, said he understood, thanked me for being honest, than smiled as he gave me a quick hug. He didn’t get upset, he didn’t try to argue. He simply took my honesty in stride, understood the whys of the situation, clearly filed it away as knowledge to have in the future, and we moved on. He responded like an adult, and I enjoy that so much about it; he’s mature and respectful…more or less.

Oh, and at one point I asked, “So Why now? Why are you reaching out to me now?” He looked me in the eye, paused a moment, then said, “Kendragon, I never didn’t not want to reach out to you. I knew I had made a mistake almost immediately after I broke up with you, but I knew I hurt you and shouldn’t call. I hoped it would only be a matter of time for you to be okay with talking to me, and I’m really happy that that is what’s happened.” He then reminded me that he tried to reach out a month ago and I responded pretty badly, so…ya know…touché. But dudes…perfect response, and all on his own. THIS is why I like this guy. It was such a pleasant evening, and I found myself just as excited when he touched my hand for the first time that night as I had been when he did so on our first date. Overall it was very familiar and nice, so it was what I hoped for.

I’m obviously gonna be very weary and keep my guard up for a super long time. For instance, he started talking at one point about making some plans for the next couple weeks. As much as I want to do that, I can’t. The most plan making I want to do with him is to the next time I see him. Anything else seems just too unstable to do. I didn’t tell him this, but knowing it for myself is what’s important.

But I can’t deny how good it felt to be with him. Nor do I want to.

So…I’m happy bout it. Hooray for me!

Good idea...maybe? Hopefully not bad...

So I might be on the verge of a very big mistake. Or I might be on the verge of making myself super happy. I’m not sure what it’s gonna be yet.

I’m getting together with Roth tonight. You know, the guy who broke up with me cause he liked me too much. The one who tried to reach out to me about a month ago and I got very sassy with. The one I said I deserved better than.

Yea him. Well … (cough) … I’m giving him a second chance.

This might be a very bad idea. Very very bad. I know this. And it’s highly unusual for me. I’ve always been pretty much an exact Scorpio when it comes to personality profile. I’m very weary to trust once I’ve been scorned, and I don’t normally forget a wrong, even if I do forgive it. So when the guy who made me cry wants to start seeing me again I normally would castrate him for even daring to try to talk to me.

But that’s not happening in this case. I think it’s been because I’ve been missing him so much. And I don’t think it’s just cause of the time of year. I’ve been missing him since we broke up. And when I told him off for trying to contact me about a month ago I cried after wards. Not cause I was mad at him, but rather cause it wasn’t what I wanted to do. It was just what I knew was logical. He hurt me, ergo keep him far away. What I really wanted to do was guilt him then forgive him then kiss him. In that order.

I couldn’t do that at the time, though. Pride and still hurt feels are a bitch. But now…well I feel okay enough to admit that I still like him a lot. And I know I have to keep my guard up. But I want to see what happens.

Maybe I’m morbidly curious. Maybe I’m setting myself up for a lot of pain.

Or maybe it’ll be a really good call, and I’ll be thrilled I made the decision.

Sigh…we’ll find out.

A bit of both

Oh my people. How can life be so crazy and so mundane simultaneously?

I’ve been running around busy-like the past week or so, and yet I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. Want proof? Here!

I’ve worked a whole bunch for both jobs, but I also feel as if I’ve accomplished little.

I’ve gone on three dates in the past week with three different fellas (one was amazing, the other two kinda meh {oh, and I heard ‘meh’ is now a word in the dictionary. I feel I’ve contributed to this.}), but I still feel like I’m a bit alone. Maybe cause they were all only first dates, but still.

I’ve ran about twenty errands, but I know I have so much more to do in the next couple months.

I’ve figured out what I want to get a whole mess of people for Christmas, but have yet to buy/order any of it.

I’ve worked out a couple times, but since I’ve been feeling less than 100% I haven’t gone too hard.

So basically I’m a whole mess of dichotomies. Hopefully things will level out a bit before the end of the year. I’m in this really positive place right now, and I’ve decided that I’m going to do everything in my power to make 2009 an amazing year, and I’m thinking not being all over the board will help this mightily.

An update who's cheeks you just wanna pinch!

I know, I know, I know! I’m awful! I haven’t updated in a couple weeks. I’m a jerk.

But …umm…see I gots a good excuse.

Ummm…okay.

I was out of town…and I saw my sister, and my brother-in-law, and my nieces…and they were cute. And I ate lots of Turkey and Killer Corn…..and…ummmm…played board games. So…it’s not my fault. Kay?

Okay, I hope that come off like a five year old telling a story to their parent, and I hope you visualized a very tiny me standing with her chin very high up, hands alternating between clasped behind the back and motioning widely to illustrate points, and shifting my weight from foot-to-foot repeatedly. Oh! And pigtails! Adorable pigtails!

Yea, I went to St. Louis for Thanksgiving and saw my family and it was sweetttttt. Six days off work is always great. My nieces are too awesome for words. The adults taught the kids how to play Clue this weekend and it was hilarious how into it they got. The youngest didn’t quite grasp the concept properly and would keep moving past rooms and therefore not making guesses because she wanted to go to the Kitchen. This may lose something in translation to you Lucky Readers, but it cracked me up every time we played.

I love my family.

I’m getting along better with the Madre, which is great cause I’m pretty sure that I won’t be able to move out for a very long time at this point. Cause I’m poor. Joy. But hey…I guess I’ll live.

The only thing that uber sucks right now is that I’m really lonely again. Everyone here in Cleveland is going into hibernation mode so I’m doing very little these days. And my lack of a good guy in my life is really highlighted right now. But I stand by my new-ish guy mantra that I would rather be alone then with an asshole, so …hooray?

But I’m off now. Crazy stuff to do tonight. Regular updating will occur again peps. Kendragon still loves ya. Awesome.