I've discovered a new aspect of adulthood that sucks: having the maturity to do what's best for you.Or at least I'm calling it maturity, since I need to find a positive way of looking at this situation before I let it make me feel like a bad person and thereby let the crazy back in. And I don't want that. It has been successfully exiled for about four months now and I'm not looking to break that streak.
I very recently (as in over the last couple hours) have decided to let two of my very close friendships rest for a bit. And the decision is coming with a ton of internal arguments.
I guess I'm not all that worried about the first friendship. Without going into too many details I realized that this person has been my confidant under...let's call them false assumptions. When he realized that I had in fact not been kidding every time that I have corrected the fallacy, he decided to end the charade. Which I guess I can respect, despite my high levels of surprise, frustration, and disappointment. But now I'm feeling a bit hurt by the fact that once again I am so easy to leave behind.
As I've discussed here before, I hate the fact that I am more or less disposable in most people's lives. My family, Neat, and Awesome Roommate are the only people that I think truly would never be able to fully have me out of their life. And while that is fantastic, it's upsetting to me that so many other people that I give my time, energy, and genuine affection to find it so meaningless that they can toss it aside at the drop of a hat.
Which brings me to the second friendship I'm putting on the side. Although here I feel like I'm doing the throwing.
The friendship with this individual has been rough going, but has rather recently reached a pleasant and I feel healthy level. Again sparing details, I've had to do a lot of soul searching while cultivating this friendship, and I feel like I've really grown in the process and because of the choice to have this individual be an active part of my life.
But now this person has made it difficult, through no direct effort on his part. I'll keep the nature of this to myself, but basically this is not the first time actions or a lack of forethought on this person's part have strained our friendship. Over the past few months it's become increasingly difficult to watch these issues unfold. It has become too hard to watch someone so important and valuable to me hurt himself repeatedly, especially when I know their is nothing I can do to help him.
How do I know? Cause I've tried everything I can think of. Sometimes multiple times.
It's been too hard, Lucky Readers, and I have spent hours asking myself what the best thing to do would be. Sadly, I ultimately came to my decision to take some time away from the friendship, and I told this person tonight. He handled it well, being very understanding, which only made it harder.
The worst part is now I am one of those people I've been hurt by. I'm officially moving away from people I care about and (at least for one of them) truly and deeply cares about me. It feels awful. I guess it's a bit different since I'm doing it for a real reason and communicating it, but I know that's only making my guilt worse.
But right now I have to do what's best for me. As selfish as it seems, this time in my life has to be about making a solid foundation for myself. And if my deepest part of my gut is telling me that this is how to do it, then I have to.
It doesn't make it easy. No part of me thought it would ever be enjoyable. Maybe one day these friendships can be renewed and made stronger by this. But regardless of whether that occurs, right now this is what I need. And the adult I'm trying to be knows that that has to trump all.
I just hope they'll be okay without me... so that one of us can be.
2 comments:
I've had to do that too, with a few friends, and it hurts more than they ever imagine...because you and I both value our loved ones over ourselves, to the point where it hurts us MORE than it hurts them. (ironically)
but don't worry, just because you're being discerning doesn't mean you're mean, or cynical, It means you're looking out for yourself...and that's a *good* thing, hon.
love you much.
The simple fact that you are struggling with this choice is a testament to the quality of your character. Too many people in this world discard people without a second thought. While it's a bit harsh to reduce people to a simple pros/cons list, it is sometimes necessary. My feeling has always been that it is the responsibility of any good friend to keep you from having to make those kinds of assessments.
I have been around a bit. I have met many different people. I would have to say that there are only about six (okay, now seven) people in this whole world who I would truly call friends. People I trust and can count on. But I don't feel sad that there are only seven, I feel glad that I've been able to meet that many.
Don't let the douchebags drag you down.
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