Worthless

"You're worthless."

It's playing in a loop in my head non-stop and has been for about four days now.

it's actually kind of interesting. My head keeps giving it a hip-hop turntable-esque rhythm to it.

"You're worthless, worthless, wo-or-orth-th-or-orth-w-w-w-w-w-worthless."

At least it's melodic.

I feel like an idiot, Lucky Readers. I let myself think that there was a purely positive thing in my life. After over twenty years of that never being so I don't know what made me think this would be occurring now.

Long story short, a "friend" who I thought was a good enough one that I actually felt comfortable confiding some of my crazy to decided to use it against me while saying some of the most hurtful things a non-stranger has said to me since high school. Those of you who know me or have been reading for awhile know that that is saying alot.

Why did he do that? Because I was upset that for the 20th some odd week in a row he once again showed blatant disregard for my concerns, schedule, or emotions. Nearly impressive when you think about. Until you realize that me being upset and not wanting to talk to him since I knew I couldn't hold my tongue if he did (told his girlfriend aka one of my best friends that I wouldn't be able to and to keep him away from me. I still can't figure out why people think I'm joking when I say that...) led to him saying in my opinion deliberately hurtful things.

Let me recreate the scene for ya. I was sitting on his couch after basically being manipulated into going to his apartment which I had shared with everyone there I did not want to do. I had been driven over so I couldn't just leave, and after an hour of driving around following him from bar to bar since none were good enough for him while he was being incredibly rude to his girlfriend (hanging up on her, ignoring her as she drove around, speeding away from her) I was pissed that I was expected to once again sit there and pretend I'm happy. I'm exhausted of that. i can't put on a happy face to make people who have been rude and disrespectful to me and those I care about feel better. It's infuriating and tiring. No more.

So I'm on the couch, admittedly being a bit pissy but...I was pissed and stuck there. What was I going to do? When another friend asked me a question I made some sort of admittedly sassy comment (again, pissed). This dude took it upon himself to interject his way into the conversation. when I told him i didn't want to talk to him I got a barrage of derogatory phrases thrown at me, most being followed by my just repeating them to him so he could hear what he was saying to me. He got more and more hurtful as he went on until he finally told me the following:

"All of our friends think you are a freeloader. You bring nothing to any friendships. You take advantage of all of us. You're worthless. Get the fuck out of my apartment."

He said that to me - the girl who has been defending him to our friends because they all can't stand his holier-than-thou attitude. The girl who has been the only one telling his girlfriend not to break up with him unless it felt right. The girl who told him about her fear of rejection and frustration that everyone takes advantage of her. The girl who he knows has some issues with her confidence. The girl who has talked to him about her depression battles and has said, and I quote, "You can always talk to me about that. I would be an understanding ear." Asshole.

After that I wouldn't have stayed regardless of whether he had kicked a chick out of his apartment in the middle of a not so great neighborhood in Cleveland. I told my friend who drove me I didn't care if i had to walk but I wasn't staying there, and slammed the door behind me. Childish yes, but it felt damn good.

I got about a block down the street and couldn't get anyone to answer their phone to come pick me up, so I finally texted my friend who drove asking her if I needed to find a ride. She responded with no, give me five minutes. so I went to a bar up the street and ordered a beer. Three beers later I began to wonder what had happened to her. After playing phone tag for over two hours, she finally picked me up crying that her boyfriend almost broke up with her (evidently she spent over two hours letting me sit in a bar alone while she tried to keep her relationship goign with the guy who called her good friend worthless. winner.), and asking me to apologize to him.

Dude, I merely called him on the following three things: 1) he thinks he is infallible, 2) he's selfish, and 3) he had the nerve to tell our friends a couple weeks before hand when i was pissed at him for doing a similar thing that he "didn't give a shit if I made her mad". No. I won't apologize for any of that. I meant it, and just because I have the balls to say it to his face doesn't mean it suddenly became wrong.

Ugh. What makes me more upset then anything is that multiple people that I consider friends were all there, and no one said anything. As he spoke for them they sat silent. As he called me a bitch they sat silent. As he called me worthless they sat silent. And when he kicked me out/ I left the apartment they actually let me walk alone down the street in a bad neighborhood.

No no. what really makes me the most upset is that a good friend chose an asshole over me. I've known this girl since we were in second grade. Not hurtful at all.

So now what? I'll never be able to trust any of them again. Including my friend. I'm stuck going to Vegas in two weeks with her and frankly I don't really want to be around her right now. I mean we talked and I sucked it up a bunch, but I let her know I'm not happy. Even she said if I had done the same thing to her she wouldn't talk to me. So I'm being the bigger person, but again that's exhausting.

i did nothing wrong. I know I didn't. But I'm the one who's stuck with the loop in my head. I'm the one who can't work cause I can't get my mind off of it. I'm the one who is now incredibly depressed because I have no apartment, a job I like but pays me shit, no boyfriend, barely any family, and now, evidently, no friends.

I'm back to questioning everything about my personality again. Why is it that people wind up hating me? sure they like me long enough to let me become attached cause I have a friend neediness, but then evidently I become unbearable. Why? What is it about me?

I'm also kicking myself because I know I have friends in Chicago who would have kicked the shit out of him for saying those things to me. I left them...why? I mean I could have made it work out there. It would have been rough but I could have done it. but no I wanted to come back to where my family was and where people were ... nice. I wanted to nurture my friendships here cause this is more so the kind of place i want to raise a family and i knew I needed to make that move now if I wanted the kind of life I see for my future.

But no. i'm clearly an idiot. that was a horribly misguided call. Horrible choice. Nice on me.

And nice how this was actually kept short. But let's not forget people,

I'm worthless.