What makes me happy makes me sad.

So I've been at work all day, trying to keep my mind occupied. I spent some time looking for jobs (bust) and watching videos on YouTube (fun but ultimately a waste of time). And then I started thinking.

I was trying to figure out exactly what it is that makes me not feel sad. Not necessarily what makes me happy, but what it is that makes me not wanna lie down in bed and never get up. I was doing this because my doctors both think its important for me to understand my triggers and my balance points. So I thought about the balance points since I didn't want to make myself depressed. And the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that it is while I am working that I am consistently the least upset.

Let me explain why, Lucky Readers.

I think it's because I am three things while I am there; distracted, needed, and respected. Now the latter two seem to me to be very basic/normal, and therefore not worthy of note. But the first one kind of bothers me. Apparently I am only near happy when I am completely outside of my head and not thinking like a normal human being. I must be distracted to the point that I make myself numb to not be upset all the time.

Apparently.

It's not just at work, though. It's while I'm in class (I need to constantly be counting down the minutes of class on the side of my notes in order to pay attention anymore), while I'm out with friends (I've become addicted to the jukeboxes at bars partly cause I like to hear good music while I drink, but also because it keeps my mind busy), and while I'm at home (internet jigsaw puzzles anyone?) too.

Distraction is my trick and I am her John who patronizes her all the time.

And sadly this fits really well with what my doctor's and I have been figuring out. That I am so uncomfortable just being that it literally triggers my crazy. And that's what they have been trying to work on with me for the past few weeks. And we'll probably keep working on for the next while now. Joy.

So I guess that means that we are making some progress. And that's good. Cause that means that we are moving in the right direction, which makes me think that maybe it hasn't been a complete waste of time.

But still...realizing what makes me happy has made me sad. And that's not good.