The superstitious side of me is knocking on wood...

I'm gonna do something that until rather recently has been unusual for me, Lucky Readers. Ya ready?

For once I can start out a post saying everything is going just plain peachy. Not fantastic and crazy woo hoo. Not sad and depressing and stagnant. Rather simply pleasant.

Isn't that freaking awesome?

I'm not Ms. Sad Sack being eaten alive by my crazy. I'm not stagnantly going through life unable to find a direction. Naturally I'm also not on cloud nine, or singing from the rooftop at dawn to greet the sun with equal amounts of brightness via my aura.

No no. I'm content. Let's say on cloud seven. And I think that's better than both other options to be frank. Cause the one is...well depressing. And the other is to good to be sustained, and the threat of it coming down is no good. Yea. I like my middle of the road contentment in comparison.

To break it down ...

I have a great job that I really like working with really down people where the only thing that could make it a touch better would be to earn a bit more money (but who doesn't say that?). I have great friends in two amazing cities who I truly value, and then I have enough well wishing acquaintances to make life interesting. I love my family deeply and I'm getting along great with all members.

On the more South side of the spectrum, I have a shit car that I feel like is going to blow up any day. I don't have a man to even see casually much less date. The perfect guy that I met the other day is so damn perfect that I'm afraid to even think about trying to talk to him about going on a date. I'm stuck working a crap second job because I want to have a bit of side cash for doing things with friends but I for the most part hate it (read as the people are great but the work is so repetitive and dull that I hate going to events). I'm still pretty much poor and by the end of the year I'll be doing good to have a wee little bit of savings.

But then again I have enough to start planning a great rest of my year. This includes going back to Vegas in May with Neat and two of my other girls, and getting pre-order tickets to a whole bunch of great concerts that range from Kenny Chesney to Tom Petty to moe. And probably the most randomly exciting thing is I'm going to FINALLY get to visit my beloved Chicago in a bout three weeks!!! I'll get to see awesome roommate!!! And Charlie!!! And my box office!!! And my puppy and kitten nephews!!!

JOY!!!!!!

Tee hee. It makes me happy.

Basically there's not so wonderful things occurring, but they 1) don't nearly compare with the previous badness I've chronicled here, and 2) pale in comparison to all the good news. So to sum up...it's going pleasantly well, Lucky Readers. Could be better. But that's okay. I'm cool with it.

And that's freaking great.



Oh...and a friend of mine also introduced me to superdickery.com that showcases the assholishness of Superman. Hence the photo for this post. LOVE IT!!!

To summarize...the Kendragon is doing fine.

So, so many things to update my Lucky Readers on. Craziness.

So I've been a horrible blogger and have allowed catching up with friends and family/searching for a job/being very-mildly-yet-none-the-less depressed keep me from blogging. Shame upon my head. To make amends, i shall now give a short and sweet summary of what has been happening in my world since graduation.

I came back to Cleveland and almost immediately felt I had made the wrong decision. Although i loved being around my friends (especially Neat - she and awesome roommate are by far the two most important non-family members in my life) and getting to spend time with my family, I couldn't help but miss the people that I love in my other city. Add to that that the job market in Cleveland was even worse than I thought it would be and I very quickly began to kick myself. I applied for countless jobs in both Chicago and Cleveland (at least ten a day for about two months at the peak) with responses only from a few companies that I would rather be poor than work for. It was very, very upsetting to turn down jobs while not having money, and even worse when I got rejected for jobs I didn't even want in the first place. Grr, ya know what I mean?

Needless to say that when I hit the three month mark of this I began to get slightly depressed. Add to that that I decided to stop taking my meds (partly for cost effectiveness as well as seeing if I truly needed them anymore ...turns out I'm good for now, although if I do ever need them again I will not hesitate to start up again under doctor's orders) and I wasn't doing too great for a bit there. But after five months of hard searching and patience I found a job. Actually two. A part-time gig doing street team work (unglamorous but a fabulous in at a great radio station) and a potential full-time one working with an advertising and marketing firm (I'm in a trial period holding pattern thing for another week or so before I find out ... wish me luck!). I'm happily going to juggle both and i feel really good about it. Now I'm feelling really good about my decision, and although I still want to get back out to Chicago some time soon, I'm not feeling like a fool for not taking the risk of staying in Chicago with no money.

On the family front everything has been more or less fantastic. My sister is doing marvelously and I've actually gotten to see her two times with a third coming up very soon. This is the most I've seen of her in one year since she moved away for college! My father can be frustrating at times, but overall he's great, and my mother has been outstandingly supportive - more so than I thought she would be. So...great, right?

So things have been good. I wish I had a fella to call my own, but at the same time I'm completely loving being single. I mean, I went to Vegas and got to flirt with cute guys and have an amazing time with abandon and no concern for who would get upset. I even got to kiss a firefighter while there. Cross fantasy number 25f (kissing a firefighter who spends all day running into burning building and saving kittens and babies...or thats what I choose to believe he would be doing) off the list of things I would love to have happen in my life.

The only thing that has been a little sticky has been on the friend front. Now don't get me wrong, i adore all my friends out here and wouldn't trade any of them for anything. However, they can be a trial at times. Some are causing needless drama while others are being downright moody. There's jealousy and gossip and heartbreak. It's frustrating, but since it's only a fraction of the time that we spend together I'm finding it easy to deal with. I just focus on all the times when we're having amazing fun and doing heart warmingly wonderful things, i.e. picking out pumpkins for the fall, going to Haunted Houses around Halloween, going to the beach, having fire pits, watching baseball, and going dancing downtown. And I can do that cause luckily I have been smart enough to keep out of it, more or less. Hooray!

Yes, Lucky Readers, things are actually going well for me, knock on wood. Not as fabulous as they could be, but I'm getting there. After a fairly rough summer I'm feeling fine about where I am, what I'm doing, and I'm beginning to get an idea of where I'm going. Since I like to have direction, I think that that is just enough to make me declare that I am pleasantly and simply content.

Now I shall lay back in my easy chair and sip my warm apple cider while I watch Good Eats and look at icanhazcheezburger.com.

Ahhh...sip...content sigh.

Look at me! I'm happy and content! WEE!!!

Okay ... so it's been about a month since I've written on here. So I'm going to give you a hopefully brief update.

Essentially, I am now a college graduate. The ceremony was wonderful and surprisingly fun and I was thrilled to see my family. They helped me to move out of my Chicago apartment and I returned to Cleveland. I desperately miss Chicago and all of my friends there. I wish i could just walk down to the beaches on the nice days and spend my nights hanging out in dive bars with my bestest buddies. But they're there. I'm here. Hopefully I'll be there for a visit soon. But until then, here I stay.

But, I am incrediblly happy to be back in Cleveland. I'm having a lot of fun with my friends out here who are all happy to have me back. We've been exploring parts of the city that I either forgot existed or never knew did, so it's turning out to be quite the adventure. I'm getting closer to my family again, and I'm enjoying the simple things like getting to drive my car and sit outside near fire pits. It's been fabulous.

My girl Neat and I are having amazing fun together. Going to concerts, going downtown to clubs and dancing, seeing fireworks go boom into the night sky ... it's all been amazingly fun! We've also been planning our trip to Vegas (woohoo!), which I think will be super cool. We have another friend joining us and I have a feeling that it will be even more awesome because of it. I simply can't wait. Oh! And I think I will be going out to St. Louis with my family for a little trip to a man-made lake. It's supposed to be super cool, and it should be fun. So...vacations ho!

Overall I've taking care of myself very well. Emotionally I've been more or less relaxed, calm and even keeled. I had one minor argument with a friend that I won't really get into but i don't feel like it was my fault. But nonetheless, I've been keeping balanced and in a good, happy place. As for my physical being, I've been doing good with that. I've been cooking alot, eating well, working out, and I've lost nearly ten pounds. Now if I could only keep it off...

I'm enjoying this bit of downtime that I have between school and beginning to work. Speaking of which, there hasn't been much progress in this department. Until today that is. I had an interview with a company that I would love to work for. I'd be selling ad space, but doing so with individualized packages and with lots of flexibility. I'm super excited about the possibility of working with this company. And the fact that the interview went swimmingly well doesn't hurt at all. I even have another interview setup for tomorrow with them in another branch, so I'm pretty sure that they are interested in me. At least that's what I hope for.

So basically, good things right now. Hooray!

I would say it's the end of an era ... but that's cheesy, isn't it?

You know what I'm doing as I write this? Hmm? Do ya?

I'm working my last shows at the Reskin aka my box office. I have less than a week as the Ass BOM (best job title ever), and this makes me extremely sad. I love working here. And I love who I work with. It's been tons of good times and I simply hate that I can never legitamately come here for a shift again.

That's how much I like this job, Lucky Readers.

But it's not like I'm leaving for no reason. I'm about to graduate and move out of this phase of my life. I'm going to be going back to Cleveland to start a (read this next part as chipper and upbest as possible for full effect) ... new adventure! Hooray! I'm apparently a thirteen year old girl in a Judy Blume book.

Rather I am going back home for comfort's and finance's sake. But none the less, I'm doing something different than my current norm (although it is arguablly a norm in a different sense...but..whatevs) and hopefully I will be given the opportunity to do something really great with my time as soon as I get there.

And now the cheesy girl-in-a-new-city montage starts with 80's pop music playing behind me as I look at the sights around me with an overly enthusiastic grin as lighting spotted directly on my eyes gives them an angelic yet winsome glint, unpack my boxes and laugh when the dog grabs/runs off with my favorite sweater, and walk arm-in-arm with my friends into the frame which is getting closer and closer to my face before it freezes on my toothy, white smile.

Anyway...

I'm am getting pumped about Cleveland though. Chicago will be a fond, fond memory and hopefully I will return some day for more than a short visit to see my friends. But I'm all about the Cleveland. Everything about it. Except not having a job. Oh, if only I had a job. Sigh.

But the friends and the family being around will be amazing. Although I am going to have to do my best to stay out of the bad behaviors that it has taken me so long to break out of. I've realized over the past few weeks that I use them as coping mechanisms in different of stressful situations. And usually going back home triggers both. Although I know that Cleveland isn't the reason why I started to be all crazy in the first place, I fear what will happen if I don't watch myself and fall into old patterns. So I'll watch that. And then it won't happen. And then I'll be happy. And then everyone will be happy.

See...it's an easy solution.

So what did we learn today? Well, we learned that leaving a job you love/people you love is always sad. We learned that being excitied about moving is always awesome. We learned that movie cliches are fun to write down (and hopefuly to read). And finally we learned that keeping crazy in check by watching triggers is going to be beneficial to me and by proxy the rest of the world.

We learned alot today kiddies. Good job keeping up. Gold stars for everyone!

Oh, and I made the picture about a year ago. At work. Sigh.

Sporadic joy is the sweetest of all joyness

Okay. I'm happy. And for once it's for no reason whatsoever. And that makes me happier. Although there is a reason for the -er part of that. But that's not important...

I was at my doctor's this morning and she asked me how the last week had been. And for once I was able to honestly say good. She was obviously happy for me, but wanted me to identify what was different. And for once I couldn't identify anything. The more I thought about it I realized that the last week had simply been good. No muss, no fuss.

And this makes me so thrilled. Happy. Me. For no reason. This truly deserves a greatly felt, healthy huzzah!

Maybe this means that my meds are finally working. Maybe this means that therapy is helping. Maybe it means that I am finally beginning to get out of my long-term low. Maybe its a combination of all of them. Whatever it is, I don't care. And I'm not going to kill it with questions.

Be happy for me Lucky Readers. Add some happiness to my stockpile that I have recently decided to form.

Beyond that, though, I'm excitied about a few other things. Ever since I decided to go back to Cleveland I have been becoming increasingly happy about the choice. I'm planning summer time fun with my friends, making vague plans with my family, get excitied about summer events that I have come to associate with the season (read as art festivals, rib cook-offs, and outdoor concerts), and planning a vacation with one of my best friends ever, ever.

Yes, my best girl whom I will call Neat (as in an old, 1950s-ish way of saying awesome and super cool) and I are finally going to go to Vegas. Neat and I have been trying to find a way that I can join her on her pretty much annual vacation to the city of sin. She has invitied me every year for the past three and I have never been able to go because of either timing or money. But this year I decided that I am going to go no matter what. I have the time right now (you know, with the whole no job in Cleveland yet thing) and if I start saving now I can afford it.

So we're going. It's going to be me and Neat taking over the town. Just shortly after my graduation at that, so it'll pretty much be the best graduation gift ever. And I'm wicked excitied. Now it's just a matter of making arrangements and whatnot. But that should actually be kind of fun. WEEEEEEEE!

Finally, I am really proud of my family right now. Everyone is pushing really hard to try and help me find a job. I know that shouldn't really be surprising, but it kind of is. They normally just kind of let things happen and don't really take an active role. But they are telling their friends about me, distributing my resume to as many people as possible, and in generally being very awesome about it. This pleases me muchly.

So to sum up ... Kendragons are happy. And dancing around adorablly in celebration, as is their custom.

Everyone say awwwww.

What makes me happy makes me sad.

So I've been at work all day, trying to keep my mind occupied. I spent some time looking for jobs (bust) and watching videos on YouTube (fun but ultimately a waste of time). And then I started thinking.

I was trying to figure out exactly what it is that makes me not feel sad. Not necessarily what makes me happy, but what it is that makes me not wanna lie down in bed and never get up. I was doing this because my doctors both think its important for me to understand my triggers and my balance points. So I thought about the balance points since I didn't want to make myself depressed. And the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that it is while I am working that I am consistently the least upset.

Let me explain why, Lucky Readers.

I think it's because I am three things while I am there; distracted, needed, and respected. Now the latter two seem to me to be very basic/normal, and therefore not worthy of note. But the first one kind of bothers me. Apparently I am only near happy when I am completely outside of my head and not thinking like a normal human being. I must be distracted to the point that I make myself numb to not be upset all the time.

Apparently.

It's not just at work, though. It's while I'm in class (I need to constantly be counting down the minutes of class on the side of my notes in order to pay attention anymore), while I'm out with friends (I've become addicted to the jukeboxes at bars partly cause I like to hear good music while I drink, but also because it keeps my mind busy), and while I'm at home (internet jigsaw puzzles anyone?) too.

Distraction is my trick and I am her John who patronizes her all the time.

And sadly this fits really well with what my doctor's and I have been figuring out. That I am so uncomfortable just being that it literally triggers my crazy. And that's what they have been trying to work on with me for the past few weeks. And we'll probably keep working on for the next while now. Joy.

So I guess that means that we are making some progress. And that's good. Cause that means that we are moving in the right direction, which makes me think that maybe it hasn't been a complete waste of time.

But still...realizing what makes me happy has made me sad. And that's not good.

Hi. I'm Even-Steven...er...Stevette?

So, it's been a week or so since I wrote anything. I've been crazy busy on top of being crazy sad/depressed, so I've been a bit preoccupied. So I'll update for ya.

The crazy busy has mostly been in regards to classes, but it's also been the job search. I won't dwell on that again, but basically I am super frustrated about the lack of solid leads. Although I am happy to report that some friends are coming through with vague possibilities. But right now they are very vague. And that's aggrevating.

Plus, when I talked to my doctor about it (she asked, I swear) she eventually had to state, "Wow. You have every reason to be frustrated and upset. That sucks."

Yep, that's what she said. More or less.

As for being sad/depressed again...well I have no explanation for that beyond the fact that it's my crazy striking. Again. Joy.

I really do need to stop being so surprised by this. I mean, it's kind of the nature of the crazy. And I need to learn to deal with it rather than responding with "What the Hell!?" Cause clearly that's not helping anything. But then again, I don't know how else to react, so this whole vague idea of changing my response may just be an exercise in futility.

Sigh...

But it hasn't all been bad, Lucky Readers. I've been having a lot of fun hanging out with my friends. I've been doing new things and redisovering pasttimes that I had vaguely abandoned (remember bowling? I didn't until Monday...). I've had a couple really fun bar nights and I even tried a juice fast to de-toxify my system. Although I did kinda cheat at it. A little. I had a salad each day and two beers. Sue me.

Plus, as a result of the fast I decided that I am going to start back up with my diet. I know, I know, I keep saying that. But this time I know I have to stay with it. I'm about to graduate and enter the work world, which will give me alot of stress plus a more seditary life style, which spells weight gain. And since I'm not at the lower weight that I think I should be at, I'm going to need to form some good habits now. That also includes exercising, which I need to get back into.

I will do it this time. I really, really, really, will!

But now I should probably go since I'm in class and should be paying attention (tee hee!). To sum up... sad but trying to be positive, stressed by trying to relax, worried about graduation, but pleased about having real fun with real friends.

So...I balance out. Good for me!

And the Kendragons Rejoice!

So... break is over. I'm back in Chicago and I'm once again finding myself at the start of a new quarter.

Sigh!

But it's the last quarter of my undergraduate degree, and in a very short three months I will be forced to enter the real world, and I'm sure by the time I reach that point I will be sitting slack jawed with drool dribbling out of my numb mouth because I will have been struck dumb by wondering with great fervor how in the Hell time went so very, very fast.

So I decided that I am going to live the next few months in the present, enjoying this nearly-finished period in my life (or as much as possible while searching for a job and trying to plan my truly adult life). Which will be made much easier because I actually did have an amazingly relaxing Spring Break.

You see, Lucky Readers, despite the car fire my time in Cleveland was tons-o-fun. I got to spend a lot of good time with Ted, I hung out with my friends doing many of the things I love to do with them (read as watching the guys get way too into March Madness games, playing far too intense games of Catch Phrase and Can't Stop, making up the rules for a drinking game version of Sorry!, and going down to West 6th to get pushed and shoved through tiny places while paying far too much for only alright drinks but enjoying every moment of it), got to see my family (well...most of it), and caught up on my sleep cycle. And although I got a really bad headache the last day I was there, I didn't really care all that much. It was a fantastic break, y'all.

And the fact that one of my best Cleveland friends will be coming out this weekend to visit just makes it feel like the break will be prolonged, and there is nothin' wrong with that.

So overall, happiness is occuring in the land of the Kendragon right now. And this makes her very pleased.

I just need to shut out the little nagging voice in the back of my head that is trying to bring me down right now, what with it's "You have classes and homework coming! Ha, ha!", "You'll never get a good job! Tee hee!", and "You've wasted the last three and a half years of your life! What a loser!"-ish comments. Cause if I don't it will succeed in dragging me down. Again. And I don't want that. I want to stay in this nice, level area that I have been at for nearly a week now (thank you very much!) for as long as humanly possible.

So to combat this evilness before it get too strong, I will do the follow:

I'll keep up my mantras. I'll keep my nose to the grindstone. I'll keep taking my meds. I will work out (again!) and eat well. I will enjoy the sun when it is shinning. I'll read all the books I need to read as well as some of the ones I want to read. I will wathc many, many films. I'll keep up with friends and family. I won't get overwhelmed and stressed. I will allow Ted to continue to treat me as well as I deserve without sabotaging it cause my crazy tells me I'm not worth it. I will not get distracted or depressed. I will not waste time or money. I will graduate with flying freaking colors!

What? I totally will ...

I can yell "Fire" in a crowded room with justification.

So I came back to Cleveland and what did Cleveland do to say "Welcome Home"?

IT LET MY CAR CATCH ON FIRE!!!!!!

Did you catch that?

My CAR caught on FIRE!!!

Yes, Lucky Readers, I went out to meet some friends for sushi, and on the way noticed that my car was making a weird sound. Not so weird that I felt I needed to pull over, but strange enough for me to notice. And as I was turning in to the parking lot, a person in another car screamed something I couldn't hear. That made me worried. So I parked and got out of my car and walked over to where the noise was coming from and saw

A FUCKING FIRE!!!!!

The brake pads on my car were bright red (as in I could have hammered them into a lovely metal sculpture if I had the tools) and there were flames coming from beside them. As I frantically called people to try and figure out what to do, the brake pads cooled off, but the flames remained, at a slow burn. So I went to a valet boy outside the restaurant and told him that my car was on fire and he got a hostess to bring out some water to throw on it to put it out.

After it went out, the valet boy checked underneath my car and told me that the flames had been very close to the gas line of my car. So I was all of about five minutes away from a potential explosion.

WEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, this is not the first time this car has tried to kill me. It's tried pretty successfully two other times before (lost all power to my car in the middle of an intersection, making me nearly hit two cars, and the e-brake went down on its own once while I was driving on icy roads, making my car spin around one and a half times)and has been just plain bitchy every other time I drive it. So now I think that it may be offically dead. Or at least, I ain't driving her ever, ever again.

The cunt.

But the sushi was delicious. And getting to see my friends was great. As I have done for the past two nights and will definitely do for the next two, we family is already wonderful, and I'm going to be seeing Ted tonight. In other words, break is already making me happy. As I hoped it would. So...hooray!!!!!

Be proud of me Lucky Readers. I'm happy and I didn't get all blowed up.

Two points for me!




Oh ... and I actually made this rather fitting collage. Hope you like.

There's nothing more I would love to do than chillax, Amanda...

Approximately four hours, Lucky Readers.

I am approximately four hours away from the official end of the quarter from hell.

I am thrilled and happy beyond belief. And I will surely be disappointed when I exit the room from taking my last final exam and confetti/multi-colored balloons don't drop from the sky in a flurish of delightful hues as noise makers trumpet the whiny joy of a college student who is far too happy to be done with studying ... even if it is only for a week.

Stupid education...

But yes, only one test left and it should go well enough. I just finished making a study guide (that I have already given to two other classmates to study from, and will probably give to a couple more before the start of the test), and now I'm taking a breather before running off to find a quiet place to review the overly simplistic coverings of the extremely elementary area of study that is Human Resources Management. Or at least that is how my professor has made it for the last ten weeks.

But anyway...

I'm really looking forward to my spring break. Which will offically begin the minute I walk out of that horrible, horrible classroom and head over to meet awesome roomie to finally see 300. After which I will head home to clean the apartment (which desperately needs it), pack, and hopefully make a collage that I think will be really cute when I finish.

You see, tomorrow I'm heading home to Cleveland, at which point I will be around my family, friends, and (starting on Friday) Ted. I will spend my time there chillaxing, reading, knitting, seeing some of my current favorite people, and (hopefully!) interviewing for a job, if I can convince the dude to meet with me.

And it will be grand. To have a couple days to just fucking be - without stress and whatnot. It will be like my entire body saying "Ahhhhhhhhh!" and this notion truly pumps me up.

The only snag I may have is that my doctors have decided to start me on a new med, and the fact that it will probably mess with my body for the first few weeks kind of makes me sad. Oh! And don't forget about the fact that they told me that if I were to get pregnant right now (don't worry though, I have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE to do that), the kid would come out all deformed and creepy cause of the medication I'm on.

And cut to when the kid is four, following me around screaming "One of us! One of us!" all the time. I ... I just don't think I wanna deal with that.

But, hey, it will make me better in the end, so whatever happens in the beginning is totally worth it. And, you know, giving me a twentith reason to not want to have a kid at this point in my life is totally awesome too.

If you haven't picked up on this yet (and you'd ahve to be fairly slow to not have picked up on this fact by now), I've made a turn for the positive again. This time, it was just going to see my doctors, and having them force me to realistically talk about what was going through my head that helped. In a few sort weeks I have become completely comfortable talking to them about my stuff, and it feels amazing to do so. Cause I never really have been able to do that with anyone before. In fact, it made me feel so good, that after my session I went over to the Gap and did some sale shopping, which only helped my good mood.

I freaking love a deal, y'all.

I do believe that one of these days this whole therapy thing will prove to be one of the most positive things I will have ever done for myself. And while it may suck to deal with everything, it's gonna all be for the best. And the fact that I am beginning to think this way makes me see that my outlook is changing. For this reason, I am extremely proud of myself.

But now I'm off to study. Although ... since I have so much time, I think I will first head down to the bookstore and pick up a new graphic novel, per my going-back-to-cleveland ritual. It'll be freaking sweet!

Wish me luck, Lucky Readers!


Three hours and fourty-five minutes...

Opera sucks ... but I don't! Hooray!

I'm at the box office, working the opera. As I will be for tonight and the next two days, more or less. As I have previously communicated, I don't dig on opera. And I really don't like working it too much besides the fact that I get to see our house manager (whom I adore!) and nearly twice my normal pay rate.

But it isn't effecting me. I am still in my super-happy good mood, and I am thrilled about it. I'm really hoping that this doesn't leave anytime soon ...

Yea, I'm really worried about that. I'm trying to supress it as much as possible, lest it trigger the end of the happiness. But I am. Especially now that I feel like I can appreciate how nice this feels since the last couple months have been so incrediblly uneven. Unbalanced. Unnormal.

In other words ... me.

But I'm loving working with my coworker that I haven't worked with in awhile right now. And my boss is adorable. And when I go home tonight I'm going to go hang out with some of my awesome roommates' peeps (I think...) which should be fun. And I'll talk to Ted soon and that's going to be great as well. So I'm just going to worry about that stuff, which doens't involve much worry at all, thank you very much.

Right now ... I'm just happy. And that's good enough for now. Scratch that. Forever.

Unicorns and rainbows are EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!

So the worst of my worst days are over ... relatively speaking. I still have the craziness of the opera this weekend at work, but that shouldn't be too, too terrible. Although I do hate the opera. The customers who call in, leading them through seating charts, getting yelled at cause the music school takes all the good seats, dealing with the music school, dealing with the primadonna cast members/musician (and yes, primadonnas are worse than drama queens), and the very fact that its an opera which i can appreciate but just don't dig on ... I hate everything about it! But hey, at least I don't have to watch it this year.

Am I right?!? *Puts hand up in the air waiting for someone to high five it* Am I right ?!?

But besides the prospect of that looming over my head I am actually ... big breath now ...

HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, crazy right? But yea I was walking down the street today and I realized that for the first time in like two months, I was happy without any influence at all (you see, I can be happy when, say, I'm hanging out with friends or visiting Ted. But without anything like that ... not so much)! I literally has a bounce in my step, Lucky Readers!

So to celebrate I put one of my new favorite mixes onto my iPod and I lip-sang along to it while I rode the El and walked down the streets without giving two shits what anyone thought about it. But I did resist the urge to dance until I got back to the apartment. That would have been too much, me thinks.

I'm not sure why I was so happy. Nor do I think I really care. I mean, it could be that the roughest days of this hellsih end to the quarter from hell are over. Or it could be that I am going home in about a week now and I simply cannot wait to see the streets of my little slice of Cleveland suburbia, friends there, family, and (sigh!) Ted. Or maybe its that my therapy and meds are finally beginning to squelsh my crazy enough that I can actually be at my base level for a few days without interruption.

The point is, I don't care. I'm just so happy that it happened, and I want to enjoy it without killing it with questions.

And speaking of my therapist, I started meeting with her this week (before it was just a psychiatrist, and now I get both - that's just how crazy I am!) which meant that I had to give my history to her and can I just say ... how am I not more crazy than I am?

But we'll leave that for another day, when I'm not so happy.

And now I leave you so I can go skipping down the beautiful sunny streets of my beautiful sunny city while animated flowers bloom and grow behind me and blue birds soar towards my head tweeting a melody over the up-tempo, Disneyesque music!

Remember when I said I was going to try to be positive? Yea, I do too...

I really don't know how I'm going to get through this next week. Or rather nine-ish days. I just took a look at my schedule again (which is really dumb of me to do right now because every time that I do I feel like the floor is opening up and beginning to chew on my toes just to tease me before expanding the full arc of the jaw and swallowing me whole), and felt like I was going to cry because of how utterly terrified I am at the prospect of getting everything done on time.

Let me explain a bit. You see, I do too much stuff. I attend university in a conservatory program that is still rather intense. I am working toward getting my minor, which is forcing me to take lot of commerce classes with really boring/irritating/annoying/overly-demanding, unrealistic professors, with few exceptions. All of them are requiring lots of work for finals week, and most of them are all about the group projects, which are highly annoying because I hate to work with groups when I have no real way of demanding work from the group members/compaining to anyone when they don't produce. So all that means that I get stuck doing all the work and getting all the blame if we get even one point off (yes, that did happen recently in my very worst class. From a girl who had never even emailed anyone none the less!)

I am doing an internship at a local theatre, and because I need as many hours as possible to meet the course requirements so that I can get class credit and graduate on time, I am having to agree to working lots, and lots, and lots of hours. I work at my other theatre as well, and we are just about to be entering the hell week for the opera rental which means even more work. And while it also means a nice chunk of change for me (again, in college terms), it will surely suck in the extreme.

I'm trying to keep healthy, which means spending lots of time trying to keep up communications with people at home. But, that also means the stress of talking with them cause they all have their own issues too (not that I mind. far from it. I just have so much else on my plate right now). I'm trying to keep up a newer relationship with Ted over long-distance, which is great in the sense of having another support person, but difficult because I miss him, and that alone is adding more stress.

Oh, and let's not forget going to the doctor once a week to rehash things that I have been diligently suppressing for years and years now, and being on new medications that apparently have to beat me up before they start to really work. Oh, and the meds make me really tired so that I can barely wake-up in the mornings and I have a hard time studying at night ... both of which boded well for my final that I had this morning that I do not believe went too well. Hooray!

All and all, it's a fun, fun time for me. And I simply cannot wait for it to be done so that I have a couple days to just chillax in Cleveland before starting it all up again.

Anyone feel like trading places with me until then? Hmm? No takers?

Damnit.