The superstitious side of me is knocking on wood...

I'm gonna do something that until rather recently has been unusual for me, Lucky Readers. Ya ready?

For once I can start out a post saying everything is going just plain peachy. Not fantastic and crazy woo hoo. Not sad and depressing and stagnant. Rather simply pleasant.

Isn't that freaking awesome?

I'm not Ms. Sad Sack being eaten alive by my crazy. I'm not stagnantly going through life unable to find a direction. Naturally I'm also not on cloud nine, or singing from the rooftop at dawn to greet the sun with equal amounts of brightness via my aura.

No no. I'm content. Let's say on cloud seven. And I think that's better than both other options to be frank. Cause the one is...well depressing. And the other is to good to be sustained, and the threat of it coming down is no good. Yea. I like my middle of the road contentment in comparison.

To break it down ...

I have a great job that I really like working with really down people where the only thing that could make it a touch better would be to earn a bit more money (but who doesn't say that?). I have great friends in two amazing cities who I truly value, and then I have enough well wishing acquaintances to make life interesting. I love my family deeply and I'm getting along great with all members.

On the more South side of the spectrum, I have a shit car that I feel like is going to blow up any day. I don't have a man to even see casually much less date. The perfect guy that I met the other day is so damn perfect that I'm afraid to even think about trying to talk to him about going on a date. I'm stuck working a crap second job because I want to have a bit of side cash for doing things with friends but I for the most part hate it (read as the people are great but the work is so repetitive and dull that I hate going to events). I'm still pretty much poor and by the end of the year I'll be doing good to have a wee little bit of savings.

But then again I have enough to start planning a great rest of my year. This includes going back to Vegas in May with Neat and two of my other girls, and getting pre-order tickets to a whole bunch of great concerts that range from Kenny Chesney to Tom Petty to moe. And probably the most randomly exciting thing is I'm going to FINALLY get to visit my beloved Chicago in a bout three weeks!!! I'll get to see awesome roommate!!! And Charlie!!! And my box office!!! And my puppy and kitten nephews!!!

JOY!!!!!!

Tee hee. It makes me happy.

Basically there's not so wonderful things occurring, but they 1) don't nearly compare with the previous badness I've chronicled here, and 2) pale in comparison to all the good news. So to sum up...it's going pleasantly well, Lucky Readers. Could be better. But that's okay. I'm cool with it.

And that's freaking great.



Oh...and a friend of mine also introduced me to superdickery.com that showcases the assholishness of Superman. Hence the photo for this post. LOVE IT!!!

Sporadic joy is the sweetest of all joyness

Okay. I'm happy. And for once it's for no reason whatsoever. And that makes me happier. Although there is a reason for the -er part of that. But that's not important...

I was at my doctor's this morning and she asked me how the last week had been. And for once I was able to honestly say good. She was obviously happy for me, but wanted me to identify what was different. And for once I couldn't identify anything. The more I thought about it I realized that the last week had simply been good. No muss, no fuss.

And this makes me so thrilled. Happy. Me. For no reason. This truly deserves a greatly felt, healthy huzzah!

Maybe this means that my meds are finally working. Maybe this means that therapy is helping. Maybe it means that I am finally beginning to get out of my long-term low. Maybe its a combination of all of them. Whatever it is, I don't care. And I'm not going to kill it with questions.

Be happy for me Lucky Readers. Add some happiness to my stockpile that I have recently decided to form.

Beyond that, though, I'm excitied about a few other things. Ever since I decided to go back to Cleveland I have been becoming increasingly happy about the choice. I'm planning summer time fun with my friends, making vague plans with my family, get excitied about summer events that I have come to associate with the season (read as art festivals, rib cook-offs, and outdoor concerts), and planning a vacation with one of my best friends ever, ever.

Yes, my best girl whom I will call Neat (as in an old, 1950s-ish way of saying awesome and super cool) and I are finally going to go to Vegas. Neat and I have been trying to find a way that I can join her on her pretty much annual vacation to the city of sin. She has invitied me every year for the past three and I have never been able to go because of either timing or money. But this year I decided that I am going to go no matter what. I have the time right now (you know, with the whole no job in Cleveland yet thing) and if I start saving now I can afford it.

So we're going. It's going to be me and Neat taking over the town. Just shortly after my graduation at that, so it'll pretty much be the best graduation gift ever. And I'm wicked excitied. Now it's just a matter of making arrangements and whatnot. But that should actually be kind of fun. WEEEEEEEE!

Finally, I am really proud of my family right now. Everyone is pushing really hard to try and help me find a job. I know that shouldn't really be surprising, but it kind of is. They normally just kind of let things happen and don't really take an active role. But they are telling their friends about me, distributing my resume to as many people as possible, and in generally being very awesome about it. This pleases me muchly.

So to sum up ... Kendragons are happy. And dancing around adorablly in celebration, as is their custom.

Everyone say awwwww.

What makes me happy makes me sad.

So I've been at work all day, trying to keep my mind occupied. I spent some time looking for jobs (bust) and watching videos on YouTube (fun but ultimately a waste of time). And then I started thinking.

I was trying to figure out exactly what it is that makes me not feel sad. Not necessarily what makes me happy, but what it is that makes me not wanna lie down in bed and never get up. I was doing this because my doctors both think its important for me to understand my triggers and my balance points. So I thought about the balance points since I didn't want to make myself depressed. And the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that it is while I am working that I am consistently the least upset.

Let me explain why, Lucky Readers.

I think it's because I am three things while I am there; distracted, needed, and respected. Now the latter two seem to me to be very basic/normal, and therefore not worthy of note. But the first one kind of bothers me. Apparently I am only near happy when I am completely outside of my head and not thinking like a normal human being. I must be distracted to the point that I make myself numb to not be upset all the time.

Apparently.

It's not just at work, though. It's while I'm in class (I need to constantly be counting down the minutes of class on the side of my notes in order to pay attention anymore), while I'm out with friends (I've become addicted to the jukeboxes at bars partly cause I like to hear good music while I drink, but also because it keeps my mind busy), and while I'm at home (internet jigsaw puzzles anyone?) too.

Distraction is my trick and I am her John who patronizes her all the time.

And sadly this fits really well with what my doctor's and I have been figuring out. That I am so uncomfortable just being that it literally triggers my crazy. And that's what they have been trying to work on with me for the past few weeks. And we'll probably keep working on for the next while now. Joy.

So I guess that means that we are making some progress. And that's good. Cause that means that we are moving in the right direction, which makes me think that maybe it hasn't been a complete waste of time.

But still...realizing what makes me happy has made me sad. And that's not good.

I can yell "Fire" in a crowded room with justification.

So I came back to Cleveland and what did Cleveland do to say "Welcome Home"?

IT LET MY CAR CATCH ON FIRE!!!!!!

Did you catch that?

My CAR caught on FIRE!!!

Yes, Lucky Readers, I went out to meet some friends for sushi, and on the way noticed that my car was making a weird sound. Not so weird that I felt I needed to pull over, but strange enough for me to notice. And as I was turning in to the parking lot, a person in another car screamed something I couldn't hear. That made me worried. So I parked and got out of my car and walked over to where the noise was coming from and saw

A FUCKING FIRE!!!!!

The brake pads on my car were bright red (as in I could have hammered them into a lovely metal sculpture if I had the tools) and there were flames coming from beside them. As I frantically called people to try and figure out what to do, the brake pads cooled off, but the flames remained, at a slow burn. So I went to a valet boy outside the restaurant and told him that my car was on fire and he got a hostess to bring out some water to throw on it to put it out.

After it went out, the valet boy checked underneath my car and told me that the flames had been very close to the gas line of my car. So I was all of about five minutes away from a potential explosion.

WEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, this is not the first time this car has tried to kill me. It's tried pretty successfully two other times before (lost all power to my car in the middle of an intersection, making me nearly hit two cars, and the e-brake went down on its own once while I was driving on icy roads, making my car spin around one and a half times)and has been just plain bitchy every other time I drive it. So now I think that it may be offically dead. Or at least, I ain't driving her ever, ever again.

The cunt.

But the sushi was delicious. And getting to see my friends was great. As I have done for the past two nights and will definitely do for the next two, we family is already wonderful, and I'm going to be seeing Ted tonight. In other words, break is already making me happy. As I hoped it would. So...hooray!!!!!

Be proud of me Lucky Readers. I'm happy and I didn't get all blowed up.

Two points for me!




Oh ... and I actually made this rather fitting collage. Hope you like.

Opera sucks ... but I don't! Hooray!

I'm at the box office, working the opera. As I will be for tonight and the next two days, more or less. As I have previously communicated, I don't dig on opera. And I really don't like working it too much besides the fact that I get to see our house manager (whom I adore!) and nearly twice my normal pay rate.

But it isn't effecting me. I am still in my super-happy good mood, and I am thrilled about it. I'm really hoping that this doesn't leave anytime soon ...

Yea, I'm really worried about that. I'm trying to supress it as much as possible, lest it trigger the end of the happiness. But I am. Especially now that I feel like I can appreciate how nice this feels since the last couple months have been so incrediblly uneven. Unbalanced. Unnormal.

In other words ... me.

But I'm loving working with my coworker that I haven't worked with in awhile right now. And my boss is adorable. And when I go home tonight I'm going to go hang out with some of my awesome roommates' peeps (I think...) which should be fun. And I'll talk to Ted soon and that's going to be great as well. So I'm just going to worry about that stuff, which doens't involve much worry at all, thank you very much.

Right now ... I'm just happy. And that's good enough for now. Scratch that. Forever.

Unicorns and rainbows are EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!

So the worst of my worst days are over ... relatively speaking. I still have the craziness of the opera this weekend at work, but that shouldn't be too, too terrible. Although I do hate the opera. The customers who call in, leading them through seating charts, getting yelled at cause the music school takes all the good seats, dealing with the music school, dealing with the primadonna cast members/musician (and yes, primadonnas are worse than drama queens), and the very fact that its an opera which i can appreciate but just don't dig on ... I hate everything about it! But hey, at least I don't have to watch it this year.

Am I right?!? *Puts hand up in the air waiting for someone to high five it* Am I right ?!?

But besides the prospect of that looming over my head I am actually ... big breath now ...

HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, crazy right? But yea I was walking down the street today and I realized that for the first time in like two months, I was happy without any influence at all (you see, I can be happy when, say, I'm hanging out with friends or visiting Ted. But without anything like that ... not so much)! I literally has a bounce in my step, Lucky Readers!

So to celebrate I put one of my new favorite mixes onto my iPod and I lip-sang along to it while I rode the El and walked down the streets without giving two shits what anyone thought about it. But I did resist the urge to dance until I got back to the apartment. That would have been too much, me thinks.

I'm not sure why I was so happy. Nor do I think I really care. I mean, it could be that the roughest days of this hellsih end to the quarter from hell are over. Or it could be that I am going home in about a week now and I simply cannot wait to see the streets of my little slice of Cleveland suburbia, friends there, family, and (sigh!) Ted. Or maybe its that my therapy and meds are finally beginning to squelsh my crazy enough that I can actually be at my base level for a few days without interruption.

The point is, I don't care. I'm just so happy that it happened, and I want to enjoy it without killing it with questions.

And speaking of my therapist, I started meeting with her this week (before it was just a psychiatrist, and now I get both - that's just how crazy I am!) which meant that I had to give my history to her and can I just say ... how am I not more crazy than I am?

But we'll leave that for another day, when I'm not so happy.

And now I leave you so I can go skipping down the beautiful sunny streets of my beautiful sunny city while animated flowers bloom and grow behind me and blue birds soar towards my head tweeting a melody over the up-tempo, Disneyesque music!