This is for the fellas! ...in that it's not for the girls.

I’ve probably been driving my fella oriented Party People crazy lately. Assuming I still have any. I may have driven them all away what with the non-stop Roth talk.

Hello? Guys? Still there?

So instead let’s chat a bit about how much I hate not being great at my job. Sounds like fun for everyone, right?

It’s been really irking me, y’all. I grew up never having to work that hard to be good at what I’m passionate about. That’s not to say that I haven’t had to labor to be skilled at something. I have. And I pride myself on it. But I’ve never had to rely purely on that which I’ve learned to be mediocre at something. I usually have some amount of natural skill to throw into the mix.

But when it comes to sales….well I ain’t got any.

I am so not a natural sales person. I have the gift of gab, yes. That’s a big plus. But I do not at all have the inborn ability to convince someone that they need something. Frankly, I’m too understanding. You don’t have the money right now? Okay, I’ll call you back later. Not interested in my product? Fine, you have every right not to be. Going to try to screw me over? Cool, need me to take a particular position?

On paper I know the proper responses to these road blocks. Cause I’m a good student. But in real world practice I slam on my brakes every time.

And I hate it guys. I hate not feeling like I’m good at my job. Mostly cause I have never felt this way before. And yes, I occasionally have my moments where I think I might be figuring this thing out a bit more. But then the next day comes and I realize that I just had a fluke moment. Arg….frustrating!

What makes it even worse is all I can think of is how good I would be at an administrative position. Any admin position. Any where. It’s so my comfort zone and where I am truly confident. And I had that position. Before I got pushed into this one. Back in the good ole days. Sigh.

So what to do about it? Sadly, I don’t think I have any real solution. I think I’m just going to have to keep doing what I’ve been doing in hopes that it will work to my favor some day. Cause I want to be good at my job. I want to be freaking great at it, actually. But sadly I think it’s gonna take a shit ton of work to get there.

It's a *cough* *oww* *sneeze* Update

So I've been sick for a few days. Like uber sick. But I'm not too upset about it. Rather I'm happy that I haven't gotten sick up until now. Usually when we hit cold and flu season I'm repeatedly out of commission. But I think all the working out and eating better has helped keep me healthy up until now.

So that's cool.

The only bummer about this is that I might not be well enough to see Roth this weekend. And that would make Kendragon very sad. Cause he's swell.

Oh, and I decided to definitely make myself exclusive to him. Again, I think it's an ideal choice for me. I'm wicked nervous about whether it's setting myself up for disappointment or worse. But he's such a great guy that I really want to be with. So I need to trust my gut.

And a couple things he said to me last time we got together makes me think that he's feeling at least close to the same way. Like when I told him that I really hate when I interrupt him (I never mean to...it's just a bad habit) he told me that it's not a big deal, and that it's gone from something that annoys him to something he finds charming. Not sure what exactly is charming about it and I'm sure as hell gonna keep working on it, but the fact that he's choosing to see one of my flaws positively is amazing to me.

He also told me about this night he spent with his guys. They went on a party bus to a couple clubs apparently. He didn't really have a good story about it. Rather he told me about it to let me know that while he was there he kept thinking about how he should have asked me to go along. Guys, I didn't remotely indicate that I wanted to go (totally would've), but apparently he wanted me there badly enough to think it. Very small gesture, but it does make me think that I'm not all alone in this being-in-to-each-other thing.

And that reminds me that in general whenever he's out and I'm not there, he usually makes a point of texting me or calling me to see what I'm up to, how I'm doing. It's the idea that he's thinking of me enough to reach out even while with big crowds of other people...that simply thrills me.

So basically I'm happy Party People. And I'm sick. Ideally only the latter will go away soon.

A change ahead for the Kendragon...maybe.

Here's the dealo yo. I've made a decision. Not sure if it's the right one yet. If any of you Party People out there have any guidance, please feel free to share.

Okay … I decided that even without talking to Roth and with no intentions to do so, I'm going to start making myself exclusive to him.

Ughhhh... and I'm nervous about it!


Here's why I wanna do it:

I really am thrilled that I'm seeing him again. All my crazy flair ups and his making big mistakes aside, he is by far the best guy I've ever dated. He's kind and caring, independent and confident, genuine and unique, romantic and charming, witty and engaging. Roth is pretty much amazing. More or less.

On the other end of the spectrum, I've only dated horridly bad guys besides Roth for the longest time now. There was one nice guy right before Roth came into the picture the first time around, but besides that I've had freaks and assholes.

For example, I saw a guy last week who was a huge pothead. Now I'm not a prude about the pot. I have no real problem with it at all in fact. What I do have a problem with is my date leaving me in a parking lot waiting for him to meet me for an hour and fifteen minutes (kept texting me saying 'five more minutes'…that's the only reason I stayed), then took me to a house party without me knowing that's where we were going, and proceed to disappear for two hours while he went to get high with his friends. Now his other friends were great and I had fun, but the entire time all I could think was, "Wow … Roth is amazing. Why am I wasting my time here with him?"

Hence the decision. I have a good guy in my life. A really good guy. And although I've been enjoying seeing other people to both take the pressure off dating Roth (by pressure, I mean making myself crazy with unreasonable questions) and figure out what I want from a significant other, I think if I want anything real to even potentially happen with him, I need to take this step. For me.

Here's why I don't wanna talk to him about this:

I scared the puppy once. Inadvertently yes, but nonetheless I did. And he ran away. It took three months to get back to a place where I wasn't hurt and he wasn't freaked out anymore. If I tell him, "Hey Roth. I know you always used to tell me that you want to keep things going slow when we first dated, but now that we're going for another round I want you to be something more much faster. Sounds good, right? Great!", we're gonna get another yelping flee from me. And I don't want that.

On top of that, this is a decision for myself more than anything else. This is for my own comfort and need to express some form of commitment to a man I truly relish having back in my life.

Here's why I'm very nervous about this decision:

What if this is a retarded move? What if he freaks out again for no reason? What if he hurts me again, and this time after I've invested some real emotion in it? What if I pass up a potentially great guy for someone I have no actual ties to? What if this is inherently setting myself up for additional heartbreak?

Sigh...I don't know. But after taking a couple days to think about it, I think it's the right move.

Also, last night he made a point of telling me how happy he is that I'm in his life again, and apologizing for little things. Like not calling me every night (had to reiterate to him that that isn't vitally important...but him saying the words was awesome) and the fact that I couldn't see him last week cause he got sick (which he's apologized for tons of times already, and this time it was amid him apologizing for clearing his throat. he's so adorable I can't stand it!).

Moves like that make me think that maybe, just maybe, he cares about me fairly deeply too. And I keep coming back to the notion that this dude fought for me. He came back after me screaming at him two times. There's no way in hell that he doesn't have some form of real emotion for me if he didn't give up after my full bitchitude came down on him.

So...to wrap up this lengthy diatribe...what do you all think? Good move? Too Soon? Silly? Full on stupid? Let me know!

Feeling better through existential ramblings

So here are two things that have made me feel better. One is basic. One, me thinks, is trippy.

Okay the quick one – got hit on by my waiter at lunch. When Roth is stonewalling me and I don’t know why, this is a great way to take the significance off the silence.

Now the trippy weirdness.

I’ve been listening to back episodes of RadioLab at work lately. Today I’m listening to an episode about Time that discusses the concept that time is not linear, but rather that every moment of my life, your life, and indeed all lives that have or will exist occur simultaneously.

Dudes, I love this.

It makes me call back to two of my favorite concepts of time and fate by two of my favorite fiction authors.

The first is from Kurt Vonnegut. Tralfamadorians guys. Nuff said. Right? No? Okay quick break down. Tralfamadorians believed in this very concept. They were aliens that were featured in several novels of Vonegut’s, but they spoke to the main character of ‘Slaughterhouse Five’. Here they told him about how they know and see all that was, is, and will be. And they found this comforting. In response to death they simply state, “so it goes.”, because they know that in reality the being hasn’t ceased to exist since he continues in all the moments that made up his life.

I adore the concept. Seeing the insignificance of the artificial importance we put on things takes so much of the pressure of existence off my shoulders, and makes me feel like maybe I’m not ruining my life. Maybe this is just what my life is meant to be, and something that I can’t and therefore shouldn’t fight.

The second is from Neil Gaiman. In the ninth book of the ‘Sandman’ series called ‘The Kindly Ones’ the oldest of the Endless named Destiny wonders around his garden. He soon sees several versions of himself walking down many paths. One by one, as events unfold that will determine the fate of a vitally important character, the multitude of Destiny’s join until they finally walk one singular path.

I find this to be the most eloquent manifestation of my notion of fate and freewill ever created. By far. See, I’m a fate-ist. I believe that our paths are determined and we’re walking them. But I also think that we have enough free will to determine how we will get there. For instance, I was destined to work my current job. I have no doubt of this. But the timing and circumstances that led to it were my choice alone. I think the image and idea of Destiny dividing only to rejoin illustrates this fluidly and beautifully. Whether that was what Gaiman meant by it or not I’m not 100% positive, but I would like to think it is.

Anywhosel. I find this all very good for putting things into perspective. On a day like today where I’m unable to get outside of my head over something silly like the Roth paranoia, feeling like this too is part of the plan and nothing that I can distinctly control is oddly comforting. I don’t feel like I’m going to fuck it up. I don’t wonder about what I did wrong in crazy hypothetical land nearly as often. I simply feel better.

So thank you random philosophical concept in a radio show! Thank you for making me feel less crazy by talking about nutty weirdness!




Oh…and Roth called. We’re good. I was being crazy and I realized it without having to let on to him that I had been going nutballs. Hooray!

He's not losing...he's getting MAD.

Can't keep Crazy down apparently. He's super tough. He'll rise again.

So here's a quick glimpse in to my nutty, nutty thoughts. If you think this is irksome or strange, just imaging living it peeps.

All I can think about right now is that I'm over-bearing. I'm worried that I reach out to Roth too much and that it's driving him away. I text and call cause I love talking to him (totally cheers me up on bad days, and makes good ones better), but he doesn't really respond much lately.

Probably he's just been busy. Probably I'm being retarded again. Probably I'm freaking myself out for no reason whatsoever. Ugh...but I can't shut the thought out.

I hate hate hate over-bearing chicks. The ones that can't let someone lead their separate life without sticking their nose in it. The ones that debase themselves by begging for attention. The idea that I'm being that is killing me.

What I really can't figure out, though, is am I upset that I'm feeling this way cause Crazy (I'm making him formal now Party People. And I've decided Crazy's a dude) is messing with me again, or am I afraid that once again Roth has decided that he doesn't want to be with me, and it's manifesting in this paranoia?

What if I've made a huge mistake? What if everyone's been right to warn me about starting up with him again? What if this is just stupid remnants of feeling rejected throughout my life til now creeping up at me? What if I'm totally wrong about this and I'm just setting myself up to sabotage a good thing?

Cause we all know how much Crazy loves to make me do that.

Or perhaps it's a bit of all the questions. And that's what sucks right now.

Stupid Crazy. Just stay down, will ya? Please?

Girliest post ever, ever

Two things made me wicked happy this weekend. And by that I mean totally blushing and smiling like a moron, feeling more girlie then I have in a while. Both happen to be either directly or by proxy because of Roth. So fellas…proceed with caution. I’m gonna become uber feminine.

1) I got together with Roth this weekend and while we were walking to dinner, he told me that he had been meaning to say something to me. He wanted to let me know that he thought I should teach something - a class on how to be feminine in the modern world. He elaborated and told me that not only do I conduct myself like a lady and look amazing every time he sees me, but I also am confident in my femininity, and he thinks other chicks would benefit from me showing them how to be that way.

I freaking love that guys. I went from being an insecure quasi-tomboy in high school to apparently being a girl that should educate others on how to be a woman in 2009. This is such a 180 from where I once was. I’m so happy about it. So…awesome.

I could have tackled him right there, while walking in the snow, and smooched him all over for not only thinking that, but telling me it.

2) So on the way to dinner, Roth and I ran into a couple of his friends (he has great friends FYI). They invited us to hang out after dinner, which Roth insisted upon still going to. Which I adored. After we ate we met up with them for a birthday party. Everyone was chatting and getting along well. I decided that I would go over to the birthday girl’s side of the table to get to know her a little better (ya know…it was her birthday…should be about her). While we were talking she asked what was going on with Roth. I shrugged and said he was my questions mark since I wasn’t quite sure what we are right now.

About the time I said this, I noticed that Roth and one of his chick friends were clearly talking about me. You know, eyes darting from each other to me repeatedly, talking in a hushed manner. It didn’t bother me at all, until I noticed the chick gasp and cover her mouth. I couldn’t tell if it was a bad thing or not, so I more-or-less demanded to know what they were talking about.

Roth quickly said, “Nothing” and walked away. So it was clearly something. The chick leaned over and said, “We were talking about how Roth likes you, and more or less out of no where he said that you had the prettiest eyes he’s ever seen.”

Freaking awww!

The birthday girl then leaned in toward me and said the awesome quote, “Your question mark is an exclamation point!”.

Could have knocked me over with a feather guys. Ne’re has a guy been that sweet to me for absolutely no reason, much less twice in one evening.

I’m real happy with the way things are going with Roth, Party People. I’m still being cautious and I’m trying really hard to not read too much in to anything, either good or bad. But dudes…this is the kind of stuff that makes me giddy and silly. And I love it.

BANNED!

I'm trying something out. Or at least I will starting...nowish. I'm banning myself from things for a little bit.

By this I mean not allow myself to do the things that lead to pessimism and inevitably depression for me. If it's bad for my psyche ... BANNED.

Example: I'm watching Intervention right now and feel like I'm gonna cry. There's this dude in it who was stood up at a restaurant alone, and all I can think is how if that happened to me I would sob endlessly. It takes me back to high school and my whole rejection thing. That's no good for me. So why am I still watching it? I need to turn it off, and not watch this show for awhile. BANNED.

Another example: Roth (things are going pretty peachy by the by) has a blog. I check it fairly regularly to see what he's talking about in it. Topics cover various things but usually focus on rock music and motivational bits. Occasionally he writes about chicks he dated at one point or another.

Now, I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is things that he says from time to time in regards to the topic. Like in one of his recent posts where he reviews his 08, he states that the quantity of chicks he's dated in the past year had increased, but the quality went down. So he's trying to focus on finding better girls to date in 09.

Hmm. Now before I say anything else I just realized that I probably should find this comforting since he's the one who reached out to me again about a month ago (aka very close to 09), and that we've had a great date already this year. But...I don't know it just kind got to me. I mean dude...we dated for a couple months in 08. All I keep thinking is, 'Ouch.'

Now when I talk to him next I'm gonna have a hard time not being upset. Not because he at all insulted me (he's never talked about me in the blog at all), but because I am choosing to take it personally. I need to stop doing things like this. It only will lead to my upsetting myself, which will only lead to low periods. So... I need to cut out the catalyst. No checking his blog anymore. BANNED.

Last example ... for now: I compare myself to my co-workers way too much. This is a huge problem for me. Since I am by far my own worst critic, I need to keep myself positive. But since I'm still having a hard time completely wrapping my mind around this whole sales thing and I'm the newest to it, it's simply retarded to allow myself to weigh my performance to theirs. I won't match up to their achievements. Not yet at least. No good will come from me using their actions to evaluate my own. So the comparisons must somehow be BANNED.

Just not too sure how I'm gonna do that last one. Such a tempting thing to do, to weigh yourself against those close to you. But I have to figure out a way to block it out. Hmmm...

I think this will be nothing but helpful for me. It totally goes along with my whole not-wanting-to-give-into-negativity thing. Positive action this year, peeps. Positive.