Here's the dealo yo. I've made a decision. Not sure if it's the right one yet. If any of you Party People out there have any guidance, please feel free to share.
Okay … I decided that even without talking to Roth and with no intentions to do so, I'm going to start making myself exclusive to him.
Ughhhh... and I'm nervous about it!
Here's why I wanna do it:
I really am thrilled that I'm seeing him again. All my crazy flair ups and his making big mistakes aside, he is by far the best guy I've ever dated. He's kind and caring, independent and confident, genuine and unique, romantic and charming, witty and engaging. Roth is pretty much amazing. More or less.
On the other end of the spectrum, I've only dated horridly bad guys besides Roth for the longest time now. There was one nice guy right before Roth came into the picture the first time around, but besides that I've had freaks and assholes.
For example, I saw a guy last week who was a huge pothead. Now I'm not a prude about the pot. I have no real problem with it at all in fact. What I do have a problem with is my date leaving me in a parking lot waiting for him to meet me for an hour and fifteen minutes (kept texting me saying 'five more minutes'…that's the only reason I stayed), then took me to a house party without me knowing that's where we were going, and proceed to disappear for two hours while he went to get high with his friends. Now his other friends were great and I had fun, but the entire time all I could think was, "Wow … Roth is amazing. Why am I wasting my time here with him?"
Hence the decision. I have a good guy in my life. A really good guy. And although I've been enjoying seeing other people to both take the pressure off dating Roth (by pressure, I mean making myself crazy with unreasonable questions) and figure out what I want from a significant other, I think if I want anything real to even potentially happen with him, I need to take this step. For me.
Here's why I don't wanna talk to him about this:
I scared the puppy once. Inadvertently yes, but nonetheless I did. And he ran away. It took three months to get back to a place where I wasn't hurt and he wasn't freaked out anymore. If I tell him, "Hey Roth. I know you always used to tell me that you want to keep things going slow when we first dated, but now that we're going for another round I want you to be something more much faster. Sounds good, right? Great!", we're gonna get another yelping flee from me. And I don't want that.
On top of that, this is a decision for myself more than anything else. This is for my own comfort and need to express some form of commitment to a man I truly relish having back in my life.
Here's why I'm very nervous about this decision:
What if this is a retarded move? What if he freaks out again for no reason? What if he hurts me again, and this time after I've invested some real emotion in it? What if I pass up a potentially great guy for someone I have no actual ties to? What if this is inherently setting myself up for additional heartbreak?
Sigh...I don't know. But after taking a couple days to think about it, I think it's the right move.
Also, last night he made a point of telling me how happy he is that I'm in his life again, and apologizing for little things. Like not calling me every night (had to reiterate to him that that isn't vitally important...but him saying the words was awesome) and the fact that I couldn't see him last week cause he got sick (which he's apologized for tons of times already, and this time it was amid him apologizing for clearing his throat. he's so adorable I can't stand it!).
Moves like that make me think that maybe, just maybe, he cares about me fairly deeply too. And I keep coming back to the notion that this dude fought for me. He came back after me screaming at him two times. There's no way in hell that he doesn't have some form of real emotion for me if he didn't give up after my full bitchitude came down on him.
So...to wrap up this lengthy diatribe...what do you all think? Good move? Too Soon? Silly? Full on stupid? Let me know!
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