So my doctor's would've been proud of me but I find this of little comfort

So I think I figured it out. I think I know what I need to not randomly get down any more.

Oh, I'm really low lately by the way. I feel pretty bad about who I am and actions I've been taking lately and I truly doubt my worth again. It feels just super.

I know enough from my previous time with doctors to know how prevailingly silly that is. And knowing that and ways to cope with it can only be beneficial ... this I understand. But that doesn't mean that I don't still find things about myself that I still can't control despite trying to be better and more conscience of my actions to be wholly depressing.

Actually...probably makes it worse.

Anywhosel. I think I've kinda figured out what it is that i need to make myself finally feel like i am actually worthy of good things in this world and able to accept the notion that i am not a horrible person and that I will indeed be happy some day.

I need to feel like I am truly, unequivocally important to someone.

Anyone.

Let me explain. As you Lucky Readers have surely heard too many times, I am more than aware that my big issue (the one that triggers all my crazy) is the idea and/or act of rejection. I'm not gonna rehash that, but basically I am cognizant that that is the root of my issues.

So how to find some sort of resolution to that?

Well I think I got it. I need to be valued. I need someone in this world to think that my very existence is so vital to them that the thought of me not being happy, healthy, or present (as a key figure in their life consistently) is enough to cause them distress.

Geez that sounds more horrible than I mean it. I don't want to be the cause for anyone's pain. Never ever would I want that. Rather I want to be the cause of someone's ... well anything ... joy, contentment, pleasure, humor ... to the extent that the thought of that not being around would be too difficult to bear.

I think this has become such an important idea to me because as I'm sitting here writing this I'm juggling a couple guys. I should be happy right? I mean they both know that I'm seeing other people and there's no real commitment, so I should be thrilled that I'm being young and enjoying my life.

But no. I'm sitting here feeling horrible. Mostly cause I've done a couple stupid things in terms of interactions with the one fella, and the other one has pretty much stopped communicating and I can't figure out why. And of course this feels like rejection which sucks. But what bothers me more is I think the only reason why I am so upset is because I'm pretty sure that if I felt like even one person in this world felt like I was truly important to them I wouldn't be this conflicted by it. It would suck, yes, but I would be able to feel more comfortable if that strong form of acceptance from another existed for me.

So now the tougher question - how do I find that?

Well start off loving yourself, right? And do important things with my time so that I can feel important to myself? Yea, yea...I try to do that whenever possible. And the whole loving myself part...well I'm working on it.

But how long is it gonna take for me to get that from anyone? And more pressing, what do I do to make sure that I don't only think I am that important to someone by projecting this need onto someone falsely? And how do I make sure that I won't lose it once I find it?

These are the questions that I cannot fathom the answers to people. And that's utterly depressing to me. But since I'm already down we may as well have the state of being compounded, right? Joy.