Stop it. Just stop it already. Really. STOP. STOP!!!

Had an epiphany on the way into work this morning people. Almost got into an accident thinking about it actually. Ready for this?

I SABOTAGE MY HAPPINESS.

I find the one negative thing...or hell the one possibility of a negative thing... and I let it eat at me. And here's the real problem with that...I'm smart enough to convince myself that I'm right. I use my reasoning skills to convince myself that my crazy is not only accurate but totally logical.

Example:

When I was still living with awesome roommate C broke my heart. She was amazing and wonderful and let me cry on her shoulder day after day after day. And then one morning I woke up and decided that no one wanted to hear about my heartache anymore. Just boom, decided it. Had no logic behind it. No rhyme or reason.

So not necessarily the most harmful thing in the world, right? Oh no...I had to make it destructive. I pretty much convinced myself that it was completely true and decided that I needed to stop talking about my pain to everyone. Not just her, but also my family and other concerned friends. I retreated into myself and only when forced or became so distressed that I couldn't keep it in anymore did I actually converse about my pain. But then after I would vent I would beat myself up over it and feel like everyone hated me.

This culminated when one night she came in with her then boy and although they were doing nothing at all off putting or strange their very happiness together drove me to being so upset that I instantly threw on clothes, went to the bar down the street, and drank for hours alone. I staggered home drunk crying and stood in my front entry way sobbing and brushing away tears hoping that no one, not even strangers passing by, would notice me hurting. Ya know...cause they didn't want to see that either. All because I convinced myself that my heartache riddled thoughts were not the pain induced thoughts of a then undiagnosed crazy person, but rather a logical, just notion that should dictate my actions.

Smart, no?

Oh...no you say.

Hmmm...

So why do I bring this up now? Well...cause Roth, the guy I dared to mention yesterday in the-blog-that-curses-all-the-relationships-I-bring-up-on-here ... well I found something out last night about him. And even though i know it is perfectly innocent and doesn't change a damn thing about him, my crazy is convincing me that it means bad things.

Now I'm questioning all the great things about him. His kind and giving nature, the fact that he thinks I'm gorgeous, his declaration that that he is looking for a soccer mom and wants nothing more than to find the person he loves deeply so that he can start a family with that person and grow old with her (paraphrasing Roth, but nearly quoting), the way he looks at me with admiration and care....well all those are totally moot points now. Why?

BECAUSE I APPARENTLY DON'T WANNA BE HAPPY!

No, no, Kendragon... ignore the good. Take this one thing, blow it out of proportion in your crazy head and ruin yet another good thing in your life. Go on. It'll be fun! It always is.

I mean fuck! I already fell into having to tell Roth about my exact crazy stuff, and he was amazing about it. We were talking and he said he wouldn't be going anywhere (awww), and all I could think was "They all do eventually" (rejection fears are awesome, what with the ruining sweet moments), and he could tell I was upset. He wouldn't let me not tell him about it, which I loved. He then sat there, grasping my hand and eventually holding me without holding me (arm resting on my leg and looking at me...so sweet) and listened intently as i told him everything. And I mean everything. He not only didn't judge me at all, he responded with understanding, kindness, affection, and gratitude that I would open up.

You literally cannot get a more perfect response to that situation. And now I'm gonna ignore that over some stupid shit that came to my attention? Why?

Hopefully I'll be able to reason my way through this. Hopefully I'll be able to remember that so far he has shown me literally not one bad quality. Hopefully I'll remember that Roth calls me at least twice a day and has since the day we met and that he's called me just to hear my voice already. Hopefully I'll remember that he has told me that he already finds my presence to be a comfort. Hopefully I'll remember that is just feels good to look at him and he clearly feels the same way about me. Hopefully I won't fuck up my joy yet again.

Hopefully.