Dammit I'm Worth It!

So did you know that me doing two jobs at once within the same company, training two new employees, one of which doesn't know basic Excel, covering adding stations to our list of affiliates for seasonal specials, and being responsible for keeping the intern busy means that I'm still not important enough to make more hourly then said intern? Neither did I until today.

The fucking intern makes more money per hour than me.

Fuck.

If I even have to look for a new job again just because my company is ripping me off while I'm working my ass off just to keep my head above water in terms of workload, I swear I will be forced to eat a whole bunch of bad food to compensate for my inevitable sadness, then I'll be fat again and therefore depressed again, and my months of progress will be worthless. Curse you hypothetical situation!

Ugh. But life is going alright Lucky Readers. I kind of hate my work situation right now, but it's only because I know how much my company is ripping me off and I'm really frustrated about it. But I still like the people and the work we do, and I actually love that they trust my abilities enough to give me so much responsibility. But I didn't rack up tons of debt to get a college degree to work my ass of for far less than I'm worth. Le sigh.

Oh and for my other job I almost got sucked up in a tornado at an outdoor event. Or rather a funnel cloud formed directly over my head while tornado were touching down in our surrounding area. But still. Even the grizzled old security guard who had been working at the outdoor venue for twenty years told us that we should be concerned and that "If you see my fat ass running you better get moving along with me". Awesome.

In other Kendragon news, I'm psyched to visit Chicago in about two weeks and see awesome roomie. And I actually have gone on a couple dates recently. They haven't been great but for the first time in like five years I feel like I'm really back in the game. So...ya know...that's cool.

Oh, and my sister is engaged and getting married in a couple months. I'm super happy for her and pleased that the three little girls that I consider my nieces will finally be a part of my family. Oh and her fiance's pretty chill too.

So overall, good times. But freaking pay me what I'm worth dammit!

Oh and on a side note...Thanks to a certain fella who's been a great support lately. You kick ass. Consistently.

I know I've asked this question before but...

I need a truly honest male opinion here. I need to know what it is about me that turns the fellas off.

No, this is not a depression wallowing post. I'm actually doing pretty well. Despite the most Irecent bout of unevenness I'm relatively upbeat. I feel like i could dive back into it any moment mind you, but I'm pretty secure that I won't.

To quote awesome roomie's blog "Go team crazy!"

Instead this is a genuinely confused post. I really truly don't get it. Why is it that any cute guy I meet that I actually click with on some level winds up deciding to not be interested in me? Someone tell me. Please.

I know I'm at least above average pretty. Not model sickenly gorgeous, but prettier than the herds. Let's say a 6 1/2 or 7...maybe a 7 1/2 on my most outstanding days when the clothing, the jewelry, the make-up, the hair, and the attitude are all at their peek fabulousness. I know I'm smarter than the average person. I have an IQ of like 143 or something like that which is pretty freaking high and I have a mix of both book knowledge and useless trivia stuck in my noodle. I'm funny...or at least I'm told I am often enough to make me think so. I can keep up a good conversation. I truly love doing everything a typical guy likes as well as all the chick stuff that girls dig. I'm creative, passionate, and I've been told sexually skilled. But then parents love me too so I can be sweet and demure when the situation calls for it.

So...what is it about me that negates all that goodness?

Is it my mannerisms? Voice? Tendency to think the blackest humor is the funniest? Interest in odd things? My probably obvious insecurities? Is there some off putting desperation about me due to my fear of rejection? Or is it something I can't even fathom? Like...do I mouth breath and not even know it? I've known people that do that and I know I found it incrediblly odd and gross...so maybe that's it.

The cute guy wound up calling which was great and we talked for like two hours. And now I like him even more. But that was on last Thursday and that Friday he went out of town and now it's Tuesday and I have yet to have any communication with him whatsoever. Now I'm hearing rumor that he's said to a mutual friend that he isn't looking for anything serious. Well freaking great, neither am I. I just want someone who wants to be around me for a night or two a week right now. I'm trying to get my life together. I don't need anything more than that. But I also don't need for the nicest guy I've met in awhile who kisses really well to not want to call me assuming that I want more than I do. It's very frustrating and I hope it's not causing him to move away from just a casual dating situation.

If that's even what's happening. But I don't know what's happening.

I may wind up feeling stupid. I may get a call from him a day or so from now (and by the by, I've reached out a couple times over the past couple days via text since he told me that he would call and I kinda want to see if he does, and he responded which was good but they were short responses which was bad...but I feel like I've done my part to keep the ball rolling) and it'll be good. I kinda hope that happens even though I know how silly that is. But my gut tells me that he's just turned off by something about me and I don't even know what. And that sucks.

So please...just tell me someone (anyone) what the dealo is. If I know, I can understand. It may not prompt any change but at least I know what I'm working with here.

Sigh. Any ideas?

Just call already!

I am a pretty girl! I'm smart and funny and any guy would be lucky to have me!

Now why won't the cute, nice, funny, charming, down-to-earth, amazing guy I went on a date with a couple days ago call me? I know we had fun. I'm about 98% sure he likes me.

What. The. Fuck?

Seriously.

I'm doing better peeps, and not just because of the date...which was great and I hope will happen again. Mostly I'm doing better because I have amazing friends, even if they aren't close by. That and it's the nature of the crazy. But mostly the former.

I just really, reallllly, realllllllllllllllllly want him to call me. I'm getting all girlie and nervous over here, which I hate being. I only get this way about a fella I really dig though, so take it to mean what you will.

Ugh. Wish me luck guys. Kendragon needs a nice guy to keep being nice or her faith in goodness may just be crushed all together.

Hula out of them!

Okay despite my lowness I wanted to share something completely random that made me happy and will hopefully bring a smile to the faces of my Lucky Readers.

I got a pair of deep indigo jeans about four months ago and although they did not fit tight they definitely fit well. They didn't hug my every last curve, but they did fit well enough that you could tell what kind of body I have. I found them foxy.

So I wore them to work today and I noticed they aren't fitting as nicely as they normally do. They are a bit loose and when I would walk through the hallway they were slipping so low on my hips that they were kind of becoming uncomfortable. So a bit later I stopped into the restroom and decided to try an experiment. Guess what peeps:

I can slide my jeans off without unbuttoning them! With just a little wiggle I can slide them right down without leaving any red pull marks or making any sounds of effort.

I'm incredibly happy about this. Not only because that means I've lost more weight, but also because I now get to go jean shopping again which I actually love to do. So...hooray!

Now if only that made depression flee...

Ahhhhh, Hello again old friend! YOU shall never leave me!

So yea...totally depressed. And evidently my mom thinks I'm a big bowl of crazy flakes. With or without sugar...we can't tell yet. But pour some milk on me and enjoy. Add some fruit and toast and you'll have a complete breakfast...all the way to the looney bin! Tee hee! Take THAT sanity!

More on the mother in a minute.

I feel completely alone peeps. I have no boy, no real friends in Cleveland (Neat...wow what a disappointment...friends since second grade and I don't feel like I can trust her ever again since apparently I never really knew her that well to begin with), my family has had it with me and they are beginning to show it, and I'm slowly beginning to realize just how little of a life I have. I work, and work, and work, and sleep (more and more all the time...crazy style), and then maybe once in awhile before all this bat shitness started I would hang out with my friends but as we've already determined HA! I have none of those anymore.

I like my main job alot but I already feel like it's not going to ever become what I want it to be. What do I want it to be? Fucking hell, I'm not even sure. I know I want it to pay better, of course, but that's nothing in particular. I guess it's just the fact that I already feel like I've pretty much got the game figured out and I don't see how anything is gonna change dramatically enough to get me interested.

I'm freaking living at home with my mom and a man who increasingly I feel like I don't know anymore. When you add to that that the two of us don't really like each other that much ...well it makes for awkward living. I have a shitty car and hate the idea of looking for a new one because I know I will inevitably get ripped off and I just don't have the energy right now to deal with that.

I know what I would like to do for a living but don't think it's going to happen...ever. I have literally dreamed about it which is so freaking cliche that it's laughable. But I want to be a film critic and I have absolutely no idea how to make that happen in a format that works with my schedule. Hell I work so much lately that I haven't even been able to see a new movie in literally months much less write a critique. What the f.

And again, I want to be back in Chicago so badly I can taste it. I don't have many close friends there anymore...in fact only three definite ones and a couple vague ones. But they are people that I know love me for who I am through and through and I desperately need their presence in my life right now in a more tangible way than I can get over the phone.

So yea. Hate my life right now. I'm all alone and completely depressed. Fucking hooray. This after I just got back from Vegas. I should be incredibly happy right now. But no...sad.

Oh, and I'm getting over the freaking flu. Again. THIRD time this year folks, and I had a flu shot. Insult to injury anyone?

According to my mother though, she thinks that I get sick/tired/headachey so often because of my depression. She thinks I get myself so stressed over social situations that I get all psychosomatic on my own ass and I make myself sick. She's not questioning whether or not I'm actually ill, but she thinks I need to see a shrink and get on something to help this.

Umm...what did you think I was on before? Why do you think I spent money I didn't have to see two doctors? And weren't you the one who talked me out continuing therapy and my meds? Just checking...

Am I wallowing in a pit of my own sadness? Lap swimming across my depression? Belly flopping into my own craziness? Why yes I guess I am. But I figure if it's gonna come screaming back I may as well embrace it. Cause denying it never did that much before.

So listen, oh Lucky Readers:

I AM CRAZY DEPRESSED AGAIN! I'M TENDING TOWARDS MY BAD HABITS/THOUGHTS AGAIN! I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS AGAIN!

Oh wait...that last bit was more a general sob than a declaration. My bad.

Ode to Awesome Former Roomie: Part Deux

Awesome Former Roomie is amazing. No, no, not just amazing. Something far more spectuacular than that. She's...fantabulous. No, not even that is sufficient to describe her splendor. I am forced to revert to the term coined by Will Ferrell as James Lipton on SNL, for if it is good enough for Charles Nelson Riley it's good enough for her.

She's scrumptralescent.

You demand proof? Well that's a bit pushy of you, but none the less I shall provide evidence.

1) She's freaking gorgeous. She doesn't seem to see this which makes her even more so. Humility is so very hot. She has limbs that go on forever, muscles that make her look defined without being masculine, curves til Tuesday, and skin like a porcelain doll. I have told her many times how I envy her high cheek bones and pouty lips. I just wanna snatch them off of her and run for the hills leaving her with two giant holes in her face which will be tragic for her but they will be mine! All mine!

2) She's wise beyond her years. I mean this in every sense of the term. She's book smart, street smart, and knows herself through and through. Sadly I find that final item far too lacking nowadays. I can carry on a conversation with her for hours and never get bored even from our sad distance of over 400 miles (boo!). I find her constantly helping to shape my interests without being insistent upon it because her very passion about the issues (through knowledge mind you) is enthralling. But most importantly, in all forms of her wisdom she is continually striving to learn more and become all the more knowledgeable. It is the simple act of acknowledging that she will never know it all that she's just how brilliant she is.

3) She's tough as nails. My girl don't take shit from no one. I have known far too many wilting flowers in my day to admire passivity. Anyone can go along for the ride and allow the world to stomp all over them. It takes real courage to stand up and put a spotlight on how you are being wronged, knowing that especially as a female it will likely be seen as being moody, impatient, or the overly utilized term bitchy. She also is willing to be this strong for those she loves, taking no prisoners when those close to her have been scorned. She only employs the strongest of methodologies when it's called for, and such restraint proves to be one of her greatest weapons in whatever battle is thrust upon her.

4) She's witty beyond belief. Whether it's turning a phrase in a completely unexpected way, becoming overly maudlin and dark to the point of humor, or just pulling out teenage level slapstick to make me snort up my coffee at Stella's (thanks by the way...that hurt soooo bad) she makes me and most everyone she's ever conversed with crack up. Anyone can repeat the same jokes they've heard everywhere else or pull out a random reference for comic effect (Hi!), and trust me she can do these things too, but very few can bring true, unique wit to the everyday.

5) She's a consummate support. In my darkest moments, my deepest depressions, and my melodramatic meltdowns, Lady Amazingness is always there for me, and for that matter everyone else in her life that has not proven to be unappreciative of those efforts. She's so much more than a shoulder to cry on; she's also the mother hugging you and blotting away your tears, the sister ready to take out the person or place that has hurt her kin, the friend smacking you upside the head for not seeing the big picture, and the councilor nodding her head as she allows you to simply vent before giving the most sound advice that she can.

There. Now you feel pretty silly for questioning no doubt. Just know that I could go on like this if need be. Never doubt my declaration of scrumptralescence!

Awesome former roomie has once again been there for me in a time of unneeded drama and frustration in my life. I adore her and miss her mightily. She is more fantastic than I can tell her, and I hope she knows just how much her presence in my life means to me.

And as for all you other Lucky Readers...my love for you abounds and will ne'er die. But this girl...she's gone above and beyond yet again. I just needed to acknowledge how very much that means to me.

Love ya girl!

Worthless

"You're worthless."

It's playing in a loop in my head non-stop and has been for about four days now.

it's actually kind of interesting. My head keeps giving it a hip-hop turntable-esque rhythm to it.

"You're worthless, worthless, wo-or-orth-th-or-orth-w-w-w-w-w-worthless."

At least it's melodic.

I feel like an idiot, Lucky Readers. I let myself think that there was a purely positive thing in my life. After over twenty years of that never being so I don't know what made me think this would be occurring now.

Long story short, a "friend" who I thought was a good enough one that I actually felt comfortable confiding some of my crazy to decided to use it against me while saying some of the most hurtful things a non-stranger has said to me since high school. Those of you who know me or have been reading for awhile know that that is saying alot.

Why did he do that? Because I was upset that for the 20th some odd week in a row he once again showed blatant disregard for my concerns, schedule, or emotions. Nearly impressive when you think about. Until you realize that me being upset and not wanting to talk to him since I knew I couldn't hold my tongue if he did (told his girlfriend aka one of my best friends that I wouldn't be able to and to keep him away from me. I still can't figure out why people think I'm joking when I say that...) led to him saying in my opinion deliberately hurtful things.

Let me recreate the scene for ya. I was sitting on his couch after basically being manipulated into going to his apartment which I had shared with everyone there I did not want to do. I had been driven over so I couldn't just leave, and after an hour of driving around following him from bar to bar since none were good enough for him while he was being incredibly rude to his girlfriend (hanging up on her, ignoring her as she drove around, speeding away from her) I was pissed that I was expected to once again sit there and pretend I'm happy. I'm exhausted of that. i can't put on a happy face to make people who have been rude and disrespectful to me and those I care about feel better. It's infuriating and tiring. No more.

So I'm on the couch, admittedly being a bit pissy but...I was pissed and stuck there. What was I going to do? When another friend asked me a question I made some sort of admittedly sassy comment (again, pissed). This dude took it upon himself to interject his way into the conversation. when I told him i didn't want to talk to him I got a barrage of derogatory phrases thrown at me, most being followed by my just repeating them to him so he could hear what he was saying to me. He got more and more hurtful as he went on until he finally told me the following:

"All of our friends think you are a freeloader. You bring nothing to any friendships. You take advantage of all of us. You're worthless. Get the fuck out of my apartment."

He said that to me - the girl who has been defending him to our friends because they all can't stand his holier-than-thou attitude. The girl who has been the only one telling his girlfriend not to break up with him unless it felt right. The girl who told him about her fear of rejection and frustration that everyone takes advantage of her. The girl who he knows has some issues with her confidence. The girl who has talked to him about her depression battles and has said, and I quote, "You can always talk to me about that. I would be an understanding ear." Asshole.

After that I wouldn't have stayed regardless of whether he had kicked a chick out of his apartment in the middle of a not so great neighborhood in Cleveland. I told my friend who drove me I didn't care if i had to walk but I wasn't staying there, and slammed the door behind me. Childish yes, but it felt damn good.

I got about a block down the street and couldn't get anyone to answer their phone to come pick me up, so I finally texted my friend who drove asking her if I needed to find a ride. She responded with no, give me five minutes. so I went to a bar up the street and ordered a beer. Three beers later I began to wonder what had happened to her. After playing phone tag for over two hours, she finally picked me up crying that her boyfriend almost broke up with her (evidently she spent over two hours letting me sit in a bar alone while she tried to keep her relationship goign with the guy who called her good friend worthless. winner.), and asking me to apologize to him.

Dude, I merely called him on the following three things: 1) he thinks he is infallible, 2) he's selfish, and 3) he had the nerve to tell our friends a couple weeks before hand when i was pissed at him for doing a similar thing that he "didn't give a shit if I made her mad". No. I won't apologize for any of that. I meant it, and just because I have the balls to say it to his face doesn't mean it suddenly became wrong.

Ugh. What makes me more upset then anything is that multiple people that I consider friends were all there, and no one said anything. As he spoke for them they sat silent. As he called me a bitch they sat silent. As he called me worthless they sat silent. And when he kicked me out/ I left the apartment they actually let me walk alone down the street in a bad neighborhood.

No no. what really makes me the most upset is that a good friend chose an asshole over me. I've known this girl since we were in second grade. Not hurtful at all.

So now what? I'll never be able to trust any of them again. Including my friend. I'm stuck going to Vegas in two weeks with her and frankly I don't really want to be around her right now. I mean we talked and I sucked it up a bunch, but I let her know I'm not happy. Even she said if I had done the same thing to her she wouldn't talk to me. So I'm being the bigger person, but again that's exhausting.

i did nothing wrong. I know I didn't. But I'm the one who's stuck with the loop in my head. I'm the one who can't work cause I can't get my mind off of it. I'm the one who is now incredibly depressed because I have no apartment, a job I like but pays me shit, no boyfriend, barely any family, and now, evidently, no friends.

I'm back to questioning everything about my personality again. Why is it that people wind up hating me? sure they like me long enough to let me become attached cause I have a friend neediness, but then evidently I become unbearable. Why? What is it about me?

I'm also kicking myself because I know I have friends in Chicago who would have kicked the shit out of him for saying those things to me. I left them...why? I mean I could have made it work out there. It would have been rough but I could have done it. but no I wanted to come back to where my family was and where people were ... nice. I wanted to nurture my friendships here cause this is more so the kind of place i want to raise a family and i knew I needed to make that move now if I wanted the kind of life I see for my future.

But no. i'm clearly an idiot. that was a horribly misguided call. Horrible choice. Nice on me.

And nice how this was actually kept short. But let's not forget people,

I'm worthless.