Better...?

So…we talked. My mom and I. And things are better. Enough that I’m not worried that she’s gonna throw my stuff onto the lawn one day and lock me out of the house. Paranoid fantasy yes, but it did occur to me several times.

Rather, we’re at a point where we have an understanding. I understand that she thinks I’m lazy and untrustworthy, and she understands that despite her stating several times that she didn’t mean it I don’t trust that she doesn’t really want me out of the house, so I’m still looking for a place to live.

The biggest bonus of this is that we’re not hating each other. But a very close second is that I now have the time to figure out a better way to move out than hurrying to look for the cheapest place I can find and eventually getting stabbed or something cause it would probably be in the ghetto.

Arg…family. How I loath and love thee.

Now what?

It’s amazing how quickly family can crush everything you like about yourself.

My mother picked a fight with me this weekend. Literally. She admitted that she did. What it was about is fairly inconsequential so I won’t bother going into the details of that. What is important though is that in the course of this argument, my mother said some pretty harsh things to me. Called me a fatass after telling me that I spent too much time at the gym (enjoy wrapping your noggin around that one), told me I’m completely untrustworthy, and then proceeded to tell me that I’m ungrateful and essentially told me that I need to find a new place fast cause she doesn’t want me in her home anymore.

Wow.

Now I’ve wanted to move out of my house for awhile. I feel like such a loser living at home, and let’s face it I’m not the biggest fan of my step-dad. But the problem has been that despite my two jobs I truly don’t have the money to rent a place of my own. I know I could get a roommate, but I just really want to be on my own for awhile.

So what? Now I’m supposed to miraculously find a way to afford this? I reworked my budget this morning and even with me cutting everything back to the barest of bare minimums I’m about $400 a month short of having enough. If I can get some good commissions to come through I would be fine, but I hate the idea of essentially gambling on my living arrangement.

Essentially, this is the point I’m at right now: I have a place to live but know I’m not welcome anymore and although I doubt she’ll kick me out, I want to get out ASAP. How this is going to happen I haven’t the slightest clue of, and oh, let’s not forget that I know feel like shit about myself…and I’m apparently fat.

Thanks Mom…you’re the greatest.

Time to take stock...

So today's my birthday y'all. Hooray! The Kendragon is now 24. And we all know what that means: time to look back at the last year of my life and determine how happy with it I am/where I am in life overall.

Ready to join me? Yes? Sweet.

I think I'm gonna do this in a plus/minus format. Why? I dunno...seems like as good a way as anything.

Alright.

I have a job. I may not love the job, but I do like it a hell of a lot...despite the fact that I'm not too good at this whole sales thing. Yet. But it pays me well enough so that I can enjoy my life without having to give up too much. So overall plus!

I have a super nice car that I love that I'm paying for all on my lonesome, so i feel like an adult every time I get into it. Ane I play amazing mix CDs in it and sign along with them which I truly enjoy despite my most sincere efforts to look like a mature person when i drive it. Plus!

I don't have/have no prospects for a boyfriend right now. And the only guys I've seen this past year have wound up being kinda crazy or I sabotaged. Hmmm...negative.

I have an amazing family and family-of-friends. This includes, but is not limited to Awesome Roomie, Neat, Awesome Roomie's Utah residing friend, my amazing coworker who I love, and C (I know I used to complain alot about him, but despite the bad things and hard times he still would take a bullet for me then beat up the person who tried to shoot me. I can't forget that, even if i wanted to). Huge, huge plus!

I'm getting back into shape. And I'm doing it responsibly with the help of a professional. Plus!

I'm still not fully in control of my crazy. I'm getting better with it, but I'm still a long way away from where I want to be with it. Perhaps you all disagree, but to me a minor negative.

And finally, I have pretty solid goals for myself despite my inability to achieve them right now (good paying job i love doing, my master's, enough money to be able to enjoy life without being needlessly frivolous, an amazing family of my own filled with people I love and trust), and I'm actively living my life while trying to achieve those ends as best I can. After the previous year of floundering, this to me, is the biggest success of all. Plus, plus, PLUS!

So Lucky Reader - lots more pluses then negatives. And I'm working on the negatives, so pretty cool. I don't know what you think, but I think the Kendragon is living her life well.

Here's to another year, with even more pluses added to the list!

Cheers!

OOHHH YEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

So I think I drank the work Kool-Aid.

I totally didn't hate my nearly 10 hours of training on Friday, I actually took a whole bunch of work home this weekend and invested some money into making a very detailed binder of all the shows I sell (for quick reference when I'm on a call), I'm super pumped to move to our new office space because it means a new, more exciting place to work in, and I'm bummed that I had so many simple tasks to do today that I barely was able to get any calls in.

I think I might (gasp!) like my job again.

I know Lucky Readers, it blows my mind too. My apologies.

This whole thing has definitely been helped by getting a huge contract in last week (one I had labored on for over three months!) and that I got the "add of the month" today. It's a silly arbitrary honor, I know, but I'm sure proud anyway. And fifty extra bucks cause of it rocks too.

Also, I may not totally hate my second bad job as much anymore. The busy season has wound down and I'll only be working a few events for the rest of the winter. And since I've been there for about a year (holy shit balls, I've been there for about a year!) I now get to make requests for who I want to work with, so that rocks my socks off.

People...I'm enjoying my work situation. How sweet is that?

Now if only they paid me better...

In other news...said the broadcaster Kendragon...I love my new trainer. He actually called me this weekend to ask why I wasn't at the gym. Dudes, I love the hard-assness of this guy. It's what I need to kick my ass into gear. Today i totally don't feel like going, but I'm kinda scared to have him yell at me. So I'm gonna go. Ergo, he is the perfect trainer for me.

I reiterate...sweet.

The only thing I'm a bit bummed about right now is that so far I have no plans for Halloween...and I don't think I'm upset about it. This is the first year that I've been okay with the idea of doing nothing on my favorite holiday, and that's just lame. I feel like my childhood is all dead and stuff. And that's the pits, ladies and gentlemen. The pits.

But that's the worst thing going for me lately, and as I always say since that's the case I'm doing pretty well.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

I've been very confrontational lately. And by lately I mean in the last twelve hours.

Let me tell ya about it.

First Roth called last night. We talked for about twenty minutes. To sum up, basically I let him know that treating me badly isn't going to be made okay by calling and acting like nothing happened. I laid down the notion that I'm not okay, nor will I soon be okay, with how he treated me. I flat out told him I'm awesome (really...I did!) and that if he's gonna break up with me cause he likes me (he laid that revelation down on me during the talk) then it's his loss. We left it with me apologizing for being a bit bitchy but him understanding why I was.

So I totally laid down the law, and was super strong.
Awesome!

And then there was lunch today. I kinda sorta maybe got into a confrontation with the mean girl in the office joined to ours.

Here's the background. Our building has multiple companies in it. We share a common break room with another one. And the receptionist over there is a biiitttcccchhhhh! Luckily we'll be moving to a new location soon and we won't have to worry about it anymore, but man for the next ten days I gotta deal with the catty Ms. Thing over there.

So we went on our lunch today and, I'm not gonna lie...the girls in the sales pit with me have been enjoying taunting her a bit. Please note we're doing so by simply existing and going into the shared room. But she's been an unnecessary bitch for months and it's fun for us.

In the midst of our lunch a bunch of guys from her office (whom we enjoy the company of) came to eat with us, and we were having a grand ole time when the bitch suddenly walks in, slams the door, and leaves in a huff. I guess because we were being too loud. Which we might of been. but that was so the passive-aggressive way of dealing with it.

Well...my girls and I aren't having that since all we did was enjoy our break.

So my one coworker opens the door again and we simply started saying that we would be sad to be so frustrated by life. Then Bitchy McBitcherson comes in and starts throwing her weight around about how we were talking about her and calling me a hyena.

Well I ain't taking that shit, especially from Lady Bitch of the Bitchenham region. So we had at it. Basically me telling her that she could've been an adult about the situation, and her just droning on. The best moment was when she said in response to my statement that she could have just told us we were being too loud. She yells at me, "well I don't LIKE talking to PEOPLE!"

Wow.

So anyway. Either I'm a bitch or I just happen to be in a rocking-the-confrontation mode right now. Either way...kinda hope its done. Cause this stuff makes my blood boil and that's no good. But tis done now. So glad I'm going to the gym tonight to work of this stress.

Update and...umm, WHAT?!?!

Okay Lucky Readers ... interesting weekend.

Or maybe not interesting...maybe just fun for me.

Meh...I enjoyed it so me thinks you will too.

So I totally froze my ass off working for the radio station on Friday (three hours in 40 degree temps...not fun) and spent the rest of the night shivering...literally. And the zombie didn't pay me this time. Total bust y'all. Boo.

But then Saturday I worked out with Neat (oh we're getting along better now...hooray!). We took a class call Zumba... or maybe Zoomba...I dunno. But basically it's Latin dance, hip hop dance, and aerobics combined.

Oh my freaking word Lucky Readers...funniest class I ever took. I spent the first three dances trying so hard not to laugh at our instructor who is a straight looking black man who could move his hips like no other. Seriously...wow. I wound up having fun and I worked up a mighty good sweat so it was pretty awesome. But still...hilarious.

But I also had worked out with a new personal trainer on Thursday (the one who signed me up wound up being aggravating as shit and hit on me all the time via my cell which is so inappropriate, so I was glad when he traded me to a new guy). The dude is so much better but he also had me do an exercise that totally hurt my shoulder. So when I did the class it really aggravated it and made it hurt until...well this morning. Boo.

But I went to Ohio's wine area afterwards and enjoyed little shot sized samples of lots of yummy wine. The girls I went with were uber fun and when we got lost (which happened about every ten minutes on the country backwoods roads we were traveling on) we made more and more jokes about how that was how every horror movie starts. It was super fun and I really enjoyed myself.

Did very little on Sunday except for shopping with my mom (who I now hate for her size 2-ness). Which was fine with me since I woke up crying about my shoulder pain and couldn't do too much.

And then THIS happened.

I got a text. From Roth. Remember...the guy who more or less made me break up with myself 6 weeks ago after I didn't really do anything wrong? Yea...him.

"Hey stranger! How you been?"

Ummm...fine....what do you want?

"Oh nothing much. I've been thinking alot about you...mind if I shoot you a call later this week?"

WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?!?!??!

Why does this always happen? Why do guys dump me then start contacting me again? Is it cause they forget how 'horrible' I am? Is it because they realized they fucked up? Is it cause they only want me as a friend and feel like a month-to-six weeks is enough time for that? WHY!?!?!

It sucks even more cause I've really missed talking to him lately. I did find him wicked charming and nice, and I truly miss our random silly chats. Before he totally pussied out on me he was a great guy to spend time with. Actually one of the best I've met in a long while.

But oh yea...he totally pussied out on me and made me more or less break up with myself and pretty much threw me away after letting me confide alot of intense stuff to him that I didn't want to and after he told me that I was far too nice/complimentary/sweet for him. So...yea.

Not sure what I'm gonna do folks. But I know for sure that he hurt me. Bad. Or at least bad enough that I find this new development frustrating. I'm gonna let him call me...but I'm pretty sure it's gonna end in me telling him to take a hike and lose my number.

Cause I deserve so much better. So much.

Zombie run-ins and old-timey phrases

So real quick Kendragon update:

I've been working alot lately which hasn't been too fantastic except for the fact that I worked a radio station event at a haunted house...and got paid by a zombie! Freaking made my life! Awesome Roomie I'm looking to you to help me celebrate this.

Hmm what else? Oh I'm trying to get my film blog up and running (greyfilm.blogspot.com) but it's slow going so far. With my crazy busy schedule I haven't been able to update too, too regularly, but I'm trying. People...berate me to keep it up-to-date. Perhaps verbal threats will be what I need to make sure I make enough time for it!

Oh the swamped existence I lead!

I've been working out more and trying to watch more movies so I can nourish my body and my film obsession properly. I adore Netflix people. ADORE it.

I've been knitting again, which can only mean one thing in the land of the Kendragon - it's gonna get cold soon and I'm getting ready for it. Dagnabit I hate the cold...grr.

Since nothing much interesting happened the last week I'll keep this post short. But I'm well and that's all that matters.

Joy!