Kendragon may take the floor to present its resolution...

I bring to the floor a resolution. If someone is looking to my blog hoping to find hurtful and horrible information about him/her, they should realize that this is hurtful/insulting and would never happen, and furthermore make a point of not calling me to complain and make demands after he/she tries REALLY, REALLY hard to misconstrue a compliment I gave said person (after I was given permission to write about him/her) into an insult.

All those in favor ...

But I'm not going to name/insult the individual who did not abide by the points of this resolution. Because I'm not going to give said individual the satisfaction of doing exactly what said person was looking for. I will, though, state that I find both the action and the very idea that anyone could for a minute think that I would/could public defame an acquaintance that has done me no harm hurtful and disturbing.

Oh! And did I mention that this came on the same day that I got a rejection letter from the job that I most wanted to date. A cold, generic letter that met me just minutes before I was going to call the company to follow up on my application. Yea. The job hit came about an hour before the aforementioned call. Great, great couple of hours. But that's all I will say about that.

Otherwise things are good right now. Stressful, but good. My days are filled with simple things but a lot of them. So essentially they are long and fairly boring. But it's cool. I'm a mere week away from being a college graduate, and about two and a half away from being back home.

Super-duper-happy-excitied, Lucky Readers.

On top of the, Neat and I just solidified when we are going to Vegas, and although it won't be as soon as I previously thought, the fact that we are going and at a much cheaper rate then we thought before (reason for postponing...) makes it totally and completely cool to me.

But I'm trying not to get too excitied about things to come. For now I'm focusing on the present; including my presentation that is to start in just about an hour, the meeting I have to attend tonight, writing my Capstone paper and preparing for a presentation tonight, compiling notebooks of previous work to try and help me get a job, working out, helping a friend make a business plan with only a little experience with it myself, and thinking about packing my stuff.

And that's only what I'm doing before the family converges on Chicago to steal me away from the city, at which point all new craziness will begin.

And now I'm speaking in stereotypical blogger tones. See! This is what stress does to me...

I would say it's the end of an era ... but that's cheesy, isn't it?

You know what I'm doing as I write this? Hmm? Do ya?

I'm working my last shows at the Reskin aka my box office. I have less than a week as the Ass BOM (best job title ever), and this makes me extremely sad. I love working here. And I love who I work with. It's been tons of good times and I simply hate that I can never legitamately come here for a shift again.

That's how much I like this job, Lucky Readers.

But it's not like I'm leaving for no reason. I'm about to graduate and move out of this phase of my life. I'm going to be going back to Cleveland to start a (read this next part as chipper and upbest as possible for full effect) ... new adventure! Hooray! I'm apparently a thirteen year old girl in a Judy Blume book.

Rather I am going back home for comfort's and finance's sake. But none the less, I'm doing something different than my current norm (although it is arguablly a norm in a different sense...but..whatevs) and hopefully I will be given the opportunity to do something really great with my time as soon as I get there.

And now the cheesy girl-in-a-new-city montage starts with 80's pop music playing behind me as I look at the sights around me with an overly enthusiastic grin as lighting spotted directly on my eyes gives them an angelic yet winsome glint, unpack my boxes and laugh when the dog grabs/runs off with my favorite sweater, and walk arm-in-arm with my friends into the frame which is getting closer and closer to my face before it freezes on my toothy, white smile.

Anyway...

I'm am getting pumped about Cleveland though. Chicago will be a fond, fond memory and hopefully I will return some day for more than a short visit to see my friends. But I'm all about the Cleveland. Everything about it. Except not having a job. Oh, if only I had a job. Sigh.

But the friends and the family being around will be amazing. Although I am going to have to do my best to stay out of the bad behaviors that it has taken me so long to break out of. I've realized over the past few weeks that I use them as coping mechanisms in different of stressful situations. And usually going back home triggers both. Although I know that Cleveland isn't the reason why I started to be all crazy in the first place, I fear what will happen if I don't watch myself and fall into old patterns. So I'll watch that. And then it won't happen. And then I'll be happy. And then everyone will be happy.

See...it's an easy solution.

So what did we learn today? Well, we learned that leaving a job you love/people you love is always sad. We learned that being excitied about moving is always awesome. We learned that movie cliches are fun to write down (and hopefuly to read). And finally we learned that keeping crazy in check by watching triggers is going to be beneficial to me and by proxy the rest of the world.

We learned alot today kiddies. Good job keeping up. Gold stars for everyone!

Oh, and I made the picture about a year ago. At work. Sigh.

Kendragon pulls into the final stretch

So ... I'm getting into the last days of college. And the fact that I can say that makes me nervous. But happy nervous. Good nervous. Life-about-to-change nervous.

But that kind of goes without saying don't it?

Otherwise I've been super happy for the past few days. Oh, except for the fact that Subway has decided to keep my credit card. Or rather I forgot it there cause the woman ringing me out was being incrediblly slow and strange about the way she did it so I got confused and rushed out. And when I went back to get it they "didn't know where it was - it could be in 10 places! tee hee!" So I had to cancel my card, which is fun.

But anyway!!!!

Everything else - great! I'm still planning the trip to Vegas with Neat (although that might be held off on for a bit to save money - but it will happen!), getting ready for family to come out to Chicago, getting ready for the big move to Cleveland, applying for jobs (not extremely frustrated so far...), planning a going-away party, and overall just enjoying the rest of my time in Chicago.

And I'm in the box office for pretty much the last time. I have only one week left and although it will be extremely busy this week, I'm fairly sad about the leaving overall. I love my coworkers and will miss them tons. I'll miss us finding ways to entertain ourselves. Like teaching my coworker who is originally from Israel about country music. Or making fun of vloggers on YouTube. Or mocking annoying patrons (that's right. if you are annoying or say something silly when calling into a box office, we will be polite to you while on the phone, but will mock you as soon as you can't hear us.).

But the end of that era aside, I'm getting to the excitied place for graduation and enjoying the fact that my meds are clearly working (knock on wood, toss salt over my shoulder, etc.). I've been consistently level for the past two weeks and I'm beginning to think that it isn't coincidence. For this I am exceedingly grateful.

So I'm off to enjoy some of the last time I have at work. And then I will enjoy some of the last time I have in school. And then I will enjoy some of the last time I have in Chicago.

Cause it's starting to flee y'all. Fast.

Sporadic joy is the sweetest of all joyness

Okay. I'm happy. And for once it's for no reason whatsoever. And that makes me happier. Although there is a reason for the -er part of that. But that's not important...

I was at my doctor's this morning and she asked me how the last week had been. And for once I was able to honestly say good. She was obviously happy for me, but wanted me to identify what was different. And for once I couldn't identify anything. The more I thought about it I realized that the last week had simply been good. No muss, no fuss.

And this makes me so thrilled. Happy. Me. For no reason. This truly deserves a greatly felt, healthy huzzah!

Maybe this means that my meds are finally working. Maybe this means that therapy is helping. Maybe it means that I am finally beginning to get out of my long-term low. Maybe its a combination of all of them. Whatever it is, I don't care. And I'm not going to kill it with questions.

Be happy for me Lucky Readers. Add some happiness to my stockpile that I have recently decided to form.

Beyond that, though, I'm excitied about a few other things. Ever since I decided to go back to Cleveland I have been becoming increasingly happy about the choice. I'm planning summer time fun with my friends, making vague plans with my family, get excitied about summer events that I have come to associate with the season (read as art festivals, rib cook-offs, and outdoor concerts), and planning a vacation with one of my best friends ever, ever.

Yes, my best girl whom I will call Neat (as in an old, 1950s-ish way of saying awesome and super cool) and I are finally going to go to Vegas. Neat and I have been trying to find a way that I can join her on her pretty much annual vacation to the city of sin. She has invitied me every year for the past three and I have never been able to go because of either timing or money. But this year I decided that I am going to go no matter what. I have the time right now (you know, with the whole no job in Cleveland yet thing) and if I start saving now I can afford it.

So we're going. It's going to be me and Neat taking over the town. Just shortly after my graduation at that, so it'll pretty much be the best graduation gift ever. And I'm wicked excitied. Now it's just a matter of making arrangements and whatnot. But that should actually be kind of fun. WEEEEEEEE!

Finally, I am really proud of my family right now. Everyone is pushing really hard to try and help me find a job. I know that shouldn't really be surprising, but it kind of is. They normally just kind of let things happen and don't really take an active role. But they are telling their friends about me, distributing my resume to as many people as possible, and in generally being very awesome about it. This pleases me muchly.

So to sum up ... Kendragons are happy. And dancing around adorablly in celebration, as is their custom.

Everyone say awwwww.

Here it is! Justification for part of my crazy. Enjoy!

I hate feeling alone. Isolated. Abandoned. Rejected. And I find more and more all the time that I feel all these things.

I've been talking to my therapist alot over the past monthish about why I have this whole rejection thing. And basically all I have come to realize is that I have every reason to feel so. It's not just in my head. And surprisingly, that is the most depressing thing of all.

I have been rejected heavily by my peers. Multiple times. Beginning in elementary school, continuing through middle school, and persisting in high school. And then starting all over again in college (apparently I'm not hip enough to hang out with the drug addict drama queens...hmmm, maybe this is part of the problem). It happened again after going to a summer camp for four summers that was really influential to me. A year or so after the last year I was there, people stopped responding to my attempts to reach out to them.

But it goes beyond that. My extended family on both sides is either non-existant (my mom's side, until I was 19) or basically doesn't care about me unless I'm right in front of them (my dad's side only tries to communicate with me at Christmas, and then it's only to make sure that they know vaguely what age I am). My sister and I talk only when there is something important going on or when she's bored at the airport. My mom and dad care about me, but they always shy away from talking to me when anything is really getting to me.

And then there's the guy situation. I kind of matured early (read as 11) so from a really young age I got alot of attention from guys (and creepy old men, but that's another situation all together). But since it wasn't okay for anyone to talk to me for, oh say 5 years of grade school, no guy was allowed to admit that he liked me (assuming that any really did...sigh). So the only guys who paid any attention to me did so either completely out of the public eye or blatantly told me that they wouldn't talk to me in public after they got me to make out with them. The only couple guys that I actually got close enough to date always ended badly, usually because they thought I was too needy.

So pretty much, yes, I do have a thing about rejection. And it's totally justified.

Woo-fucking-hoo.

I only bring this up, Lucky Readers, cause I'm beginning to think about the fact that I'm going to be going back to Cleveland in about a month. And while I'm sure that my Chicago friends are going to miss me, I know from previous experience that it will last about a month. And then over the following one they will gradually forget about me unless someone brings me up. But they won't bother to write or call, cause no one ever does. They will simply sigh, take a sip of their drink, and move on to the next topic.

I know how melodramatic and silly that sounds. And I'm probably misinterpretting all fo the previous rejections. But this is all I have to go off of.

And if we can't learn from past experiences, than we learn nothing.

Right? Right.

So I've been pondering...

So I finally made a choice for after graduation. And it's Cleveland.

Here's my thought process:

Primarily, I have no solid job leads in Chicago, and from the looks of things I won't anytime soon. Now I don't have any in Cleveland either. But here's the rub - I don't have to pay for housing there. In Chicago I would have to scrounge to find a crappy apartment in my price range that I would have to struggle to afford. So that versus only having to pay about a hundred a month to my mom for food, etc. ... I think the choice there is clear.

But it obviously goes beyond that. Otherwise I would have been able to make up my mind a long time ago.

You see, my big debate was did I want to go back to Cleveland to have my emotional stability (mom, dad, long-time friends, etc.), or did I want to stay in Chicago where I would be more likely to break into entertainment (what with the more opportunites for it)? It raged for about four months now with no real decision. I went back and forth a bunch of times, pretty much changing my mind by the day.

Well this all came to a head when I was looking at available jobs in the Chicago area. I happened upon a few that I am definitely qualified for, and I know I would be good at. But when it came to the moment when I would normally hit the button to get the contact info, I couldn't. I physically could not get myself to move my finger. When I talked to a friend about that phenomenon, she then asked me the simple but very vital question, "Is that because you didn't think you could do the job, or is that because you didn't want to do the job here?"

And the light went on, Lucky Reader. It was clearly the latter. My mind was made up.

My gut has been trying to tell me that Cleveland makes more sense, and I have been telling it to shut up. For me, right now, it's the way to go. And so I've made the choice.

Besides, it's not like I'm tied to whatever city I'm in ... ever. If I decide in a year or two that Cleveland just isn't working out for me, I can come back to Chicago. Or I can go to New York. Or I can go to Uzbekastan. I can do anything I want to any time I want to.

And right now I want to go back to Cleveland after I graduate so that I can work on getting my head straight.

I'm very happy with my decision, Lucky Reader. Be happy for me.