The superstitious side of me is knocking on wood...

I'm gonna do something that until rather recently has been unusual for me, Lucky Readers. Ya ready?

For once I can start out a post saying everything is going just plain peachy. Not fantastic and crazy woo hoo. Not sad and depressing and stagnant. Rather simply pleasant.

Isn't that freaking awesome?

I'm not Ms. Sad Sack being eaten alive by my crazy. I'm not stagnantly going through life unable to find a direction. Naturally I'm also not on cloud nine, or singing from the rooftop at dawn to greet the sun with equal amounts of brightness via my aura.

No no. I'm content. Let's say on cloud seven. And I think that's better than both other options to be frank. Cause the one is...well depressing. And the other is to good to be sustained, and the threat of it coming down is no good. Yea. I like my middle of the road contentment in comparison.

To break it down ...

I have a great job that I really like working with really down people where the only thing that could make it a touch better would be to earn a bit more money (but who doesn't say that?). I have great friends in two amazing cities who I truly value, and then I have enough well wishing acquaintances to make life interesting. I love my family deeply and I'm getting along great with all members.

On the more South side of the spectrum, I have a shit car that I feel like is going to blow up any day. I don't have a man to even see casually much less date. The perfect guy that I met the other day is so damn perfect that I'm afraid to even think about trying to talk to him about going on a date. I'm stuck working a crap second job because I want to have a bit of side cash for doing things with friends but I for the most part hate it (read as the people are great but the work is so repetitive and dull that I hate going to events). I'm still pretty much poor and by the end of the year I'll be doing good to have a wee little bit of savings.

But then again I have enough to start planning a great rest of my year. This includes going back to Vegas in May with Neat and two of my other girls, and getting pre-order tickets to a whole bunch of great concerts that range from Kenny Chesney to Tom Petty to moe. And probably the most randomly exciting thing is I'm going to FINALLY get to visit my beloved Chicago in a bout three weeks!!! I'll get to see awesome roommate!!! And Charlie!!! And my box office!!! And my puppy and kitten nephews!!!

JOY!!!!!!

Tee hee. It makes me happy.

Basically there's not so wonderful things occurring, but they 1) don't nearly compare with the previous badness I've chronicled here, and 2) pale in comparison to all the good news. So to sum up...it's going pleasantly well, Lucky Readers. Could be better. But that's okay. I'm cool with it.

And that's freaking great.



Oh...and a friend of mine also introduced me to superdickery.com that showcases the assholishness of Superman. Hence the photo for this post. LOVE IT!!!

So on my first day, do I take a shiny apple for the boss lady? Is that proper form?

So in a mere 33 hours guess what I start? It's super exciting!!!!!

I GOT A JOB!!!

'Bout damn time if you ask me. My first day is Monday and I am beyond relieved. I need the money and the ability to do something different with my days besides helping my mom around the house and looking for jobs. Seriously, that got old real fast.

The job is with a small but really chill company and its in the entertainment vein so that's exciting. And it's at he same desk every day, which after a couple of the job interviews I went on is a huge relief. I'm just super pumped and feeling like an adult without feeling old so I'm thrilled, thrilled, thrilled!

Oh! Oh! And don't forget, this job means that I can realistically think about going back to Vegas with Neat and getting out to Chicago finally to see everyone who I miss so, so very much, which are two of the most exciting thoughts ever! Hooray!!!!!!!

But what people say about dates and jobs is totally true; you need one to be offered one. I've gotten tons of semi-real calls/e-mails from legit companies, and the boss that I worked for most recently (ya know, the one who wants to hire me but just doesn't have the work) now wants me to do things for pay. It's great in theory, but enraging in the sense that I spent six months hoping and wishing and laboring for the chance to even get one of those, and now they come pouring in just days too late!

Grrr.

Still, I'm super pumped and can't wait for Monday. I just hope I don't embarrass myself or something. Not that I would, knock on wood. It's just how these kind of situations usually play out in my head. What can I say, I'm paranoid. Just part of the crazy I guess.

Anyway, wish me luck Lucky Readers! Hopefully I won't need too much of it...

To summarize...the Kendragon is doing fine.

So, so many things to update my Lucky Readers on. Craziness.

So I've been a horrible blogger and have allowed catching up with friends and family/searching for a job/being very-mildly-yet-none-the-less depressed keep me from blogging. Shame upon my head. To make amends, i shall now give a short and sweet summary of what has been happening in my world since graduation.

I came back to Cleveland and almost immediately felt I had made the wrong decision. Although i loved being around my friends (especially Neat - she and awesome roommate are by far the two most important non-family members in my life) and getting to spend time with my family, I couldn't help but miss the people that I love in my other city. Add to that that the job market in Cleveland was even worse than I thought it would be and I very quickly began to kick myself. I applied for countless jobs in both Chicago and Cleveland (at least ten a day for about two months at the peak) with responses only from a few companies that I would rather be poor than work for. It was very, very upsetting to turn down jobs while not having money, and even worse when I got rejected for jobs I didn't even want in the first place. Grr, ya know what I mean?

Needless to say that when I hit the three month mark of this I began to get slightly depressed. Add to that that I decided to stop taking my meds (partly for cost effectiveness as well as seeing if I truly needed them anymore ...turns out I'm good for now, although if I do ever need them again I will not hesitate to start up again under doctor's orders) and I wasn't doing too great for a bit there. But after five months of hard searching and patience I found a job. Actually two. A part-time gig doing street team work (unglamorous but a fabulous in at a great radio station) and a potential full-time one working with an advertising and marketing firm (I'm in a trial period holding pattern thing for another week or so before I find out ... wish me luck!). I'm happily going to juggle both and i feel really good about it. Now I'm feelling really good about my decision, and although I still want to get back out to Chicago some time soon, I'm not feeling like a fool for not taking the risk of staying in Chicago with no money.

On the family front everything has been more or less fantastic. My sister is doing marvelously and I've actually gotten to see her two times with a third coming up very soon. This is the most I've seen of her in one year since she moved away for college! My father can be frustrating at times, but overall he's great, and my mother has been outstandingly supportive - more so than I thought she would be. So...great, right?

So things have been good. I wish I had a fella to call my own, but at the same time I'm completely loving being single. I mean, I went to Vegas and got to flirt with cute guys and have an amazing time with abandon and no concern for who would get upset. I even got to kiss a firefighter while there. Cross fantasy number 25f (kissing a firefighter who spends all day running into burning building and saving kittens and babies...or thats what I choose to believe he would be doing) off the list of things I would love to have happen in my life.

The only thing that has been a little sticky has been on the friend front. Now don't get me wrong, i adore all my friends out here and wouldn't trade any of them for anything. However, they can be a trial at times. Some are causing needless drama while others are being downright moody. There's jealousy and gossip and heartbreak. It's frustrating, but since it's only a fraction of the time that we spend together I'm finding it easy to deal with. I just focus on all the times when we're having amazing fun and doing heart warmingly wonderful things, i.e. picking out pumpkins for the fall, going to Haunted Houses around Halloween, going to the beach, having fire pits, watching baseball, and going dancing downtown. And I can do that cause luckily I have been smart enough to keep out of it, more or less. Hooray!

Yes, Lucky Readers, things are actually going well for me, knock on wood. Not as fabulous as they could be, but I'm getting there. After a fairly rough summer I'm feeling fine about where I am, what I'm doing, and I'm beginning to get an idea of where I'm going. Since I like to have direction, I think that that is just enough to make me declare that I am pleasantly and simply content.

Now I shall lay back in my easy chair and sip my warm apple cider while I watch Good Eats and look at icanhazcheezburger.com.

Ahhh...sip...content sigh.

Look at me! I'm happy and content! WEE!!!

Okay ... so it's been about a month since I've written on here. So I'm going to give you a hopefully brief update.

Essentially, I am now a college graduate. The ceremony was wonderful and surprisingly fun and I was thrilled to see my family. They helped me to move out of my Chicago apartment and I returned to Cleveland. I desperately miss Chicago and all of my friends there. I wish i could just walk down to the beaches on the nice days and spend my nights hanging out in dive bars with my bestest buddies. But they're there. I'm here. Hopefully I'll be there for a visit soon. But until then, here I stay.

But, I am incrediblly happy to be back in Cleveland. I'm having a lot of fun with my friends out here who are all happy to have me back. We've been exploring parts of the city that I either forgot existed or never knew did, so it's turning out to be quite the adventure. I'm getting closer to my family again, and I'm enjoying the simple things like getting to drive my car and sit outside near fire pits. It's been fabulous.

My girl Neat and I are having amazing fun together. Going to concerts, going downtown to clubs and dancing, seeing fireworks go boom into the night sky ... it's all been amazingly fun! We've also been planning our trip to Vegas (woohoo!), which I think will be super cool. We have another friend joining us and I have a feeling that it will be even more awesome because of it. I simply can't wait. Oh! And I think I will be going out to St. Louis with my family for a little trip to a man-made lake. It's supposed to be super cool, and it should be fun. So...vacations ho!

Overall I've taking care of myself very well. Emotionally I've been more or less relaxed, calm and even keeled. I had one minor argument with a friend that I won't really get into but i don't feel like it was my fault. But nonetheless, I've been keeping balanced and in a good, happy place. As for my physical being, I've been doing good with that. I've been cooking alot, eating well, working out, and I've lost nearly ten pounds. Now if I could only keep it off...

I'm enjoying this bit of downtime that I have between school and beginning to work. Speaking of which, there hasn't been much progress in this department. Until today that is. I had an interview with a company that I would love to work for. I'd be selling ad space, but doing so with individualized packages and with lots of flexibility. I'm super excited about the possibility of working with this company. And the fact that the interview went swimmingly well doesn't hurt at all. I even have another interview setup for tomorrow with them in another branch, so I'm pretty sure that they are interested in me. At least that's what I hope for.

So basically, good things right now. Hooray!

I would say it's the end of an era ... but that's cheesy, isn't it?

You know what I'm doing as I write this? Hmm? Do ya?

I'm working my last shows at the Reskin aka my box office. I have less than a week as the Ass BOM (best job title ever), and this makes me extremely sad. I love working here. And I love who I work with. It's been tons of good times and I simply hate that I can never legitamately come here for a shift again.

That's how much I like this job, Lucky Readers.

But it's not like I'm leaving for no reason. I'm about to graduate and move out of this phase of my life. I'm going to be going back to Cleveland to start a (read this next part as chipper and upbest as possible for full effect) ... new adventure! Hooray! I'm apparently a thirteen year old girl in a Judy Blume book.

Rather I am going back home for comfort's and finance's sake. But none the less, I'm doing something different than my current norm (although it is arguablly a norm in a different sense...but..whatevs) and hopefully I will be given the opportunity to do something really great with my time as soon as I get there.

And now the cheesy girl-in-a-new-city montage starts with 80's pop music playing behind me as I look at the sights around me with an overly enthusiastic grin as lighting spotted directly on my eyes gives them an angelic yet winsome glint, unpack my boxes and laugh when the dog grabs/runs off with my favorite sweater, and walk arm-in-arm with my friends into the frame which is getting closer and closer to my face before it freezes on my toothy, white smile.

Anyway...

I'm am getting pumped about Cleveland though. Chicago will be a fond, fond memory and hopefully I will return some day for more than a short visit to see my friends. But I'm all about the Cleveland. Everything about it. Except not having a job. Oh, if only I had a job. Sigh.

But the friends and the family being around will be amazing. Although I am going to have to do my best to stay out of the bad behaviors that it has taken me so long to break out of. I've realized over the past few weeks that I use them as coping mechanisms in different of stressful situations. And usually going back home triggers both. Although I know that Cleveland isn't the reason why I started to be all crazy in the first place, I fear what will happen if I don't watch myself and fall into old patterns. So I'll watch that. And then it won't happen. And then I'll be happy. And then everyone will be happy.

See...it's an easy solution.

So what did we learn today? Well, we learned that leaving a job you love/people you love is always sad. We learned that being excitied about moving is always awesome. We learned that movie cliches are fun to write down (and hopefuly to read). And finally we learned that keeping crazy in check by watching triggers is going to be beneficial to me and by proxy the rest of the world.

We learned alot today kiddies. Good job keeping up. Gold stars for everyone!

Oh, and I made the picture about a year ago. At work. Sigh.

Kendragon pulls into the final stretch

So ... I'm getting into the last days of college. And the fact that I can say that makes me nervous. But happy nervous. Good nervous. Life-about-to-change nervous.

But that kind of goes without saying don't it?

Otherwise I've been super happy for the past few days. Oh, except for the fact that Subway has decided to keep my credit card. Or rather I forgot it there cause the woman ringing me out was being incrediblly slow and strange about the way she did it so I got confused and rushed out. And when I went back to get it they "didn't know where it was - it could be in 10 places! tee hee!" So I had to cancel my card, which is fun.

But anyway!!!!

Everything else - great! I'm still planning the trip to Vegas with Neat (although that might be held off on for a bit to save money - but it will happen!), getting ready for family to come out to Chicago, getting ready for the big move to Cleveland, applying for jobs (not extremely frustrated so far...), planning a going-away party, and overall just enjoying the rest of my time in Chicago.

And I'm in the box office for pretty much the last time. I have only one week left and although it will be extremely busy this week, I'm fairly sad about the leaving overall. I love my coworkers and will miss them tons. I'll miss us finding ways to entertain ourselves. Like teaching my coworker who is originally from Israel about country music. Or making fun of vloggers on YouTube. Or mocking annoying patrons (that's right. if you are annoying or say something silly when calling into a box office, we will be polite to you while on the phone, but will mock you as soon as you can't hear us.).

But the end of that era aside, I'm getting to the excitied place for graduation and enjoying the fact that my meds are clearly working (knock on wood, toss salt over my shoulder, etc.). I've been consistently level for the past two weeks and I'm beginning to think that it isn't coincidence. For this I am exceedingly grateful.

So I'm off to enjoy some of the last time I have at work. And then I will enjoy some of the last time I have in school. And then I will enjoy some of the last time I have in Chicago.

Cause it's starting to flee y'all. Fast.

So I've been pondering...

So I finally made a choice for after graduation. And it's Cleveland.

Here's my thought process:

Primarily, I have no solid job leads in Chicago, and from the looks of things I won't anytime soon. Now I don't have any in Cleveland either. But here's the rub - I don't have to pay for housing there. In Chicago I would have to scrounge to find a crappy apartment in my price range that I would have to struggle to afford. So that versus only having to pay about a hundred a month to my mom for food, etc. ... I think the choice there is clear.

But it obviously goes beyond that. Otherwise I would have been able to make up my mind a long time ago.

You see, my big debate was did I want to go back to Cleveland to have my emotional stability (mom, dad, long-time friends, etc.), or did I want to stay in Chicago where I would be more likely to break into entertainment (what with the more opportunites for it)? It raged for about four months now with no real decision. I went back and forth a bunch of times, pretty much changing my mind by the day.

Well this all came to a head when I was looking at available jobs in the Chicago area. I happened upon a few that I am definitely qualified for, and I know I would be good at. But when it came to the moment when I would normally hit the button to get the contact info, I couldn't. I physically could not get myself to move my finger. When I talked to a friend about that phenomenon, she then asked me the simple but very vital question, "Is that because you didn't think you could do the job, or is that because you didn't want to do the job here?"

And the light went on, Lucky Reader. It was clearly the latter. My mind was made up.

My gut has been trying to tell me that Cleveland makes more sense, and I have been telling it to shut up. For me, right now, it's the way to go. And so I've made the choice.

Besides, it's not like I'm tied to whatever city I'm in ... ever. If I decide in a year or two that Cleveland just isn't working out for me, I can come back to Chicago. Or I can go to New York. Or I can go to Uzbekastan. I can do anything I want to any time I want to.

And right now I want to go back to Cleveland after I graduate so that I can work on getting my head straight.

I'm very happy with my decision, Lucky Reader. Be happy for me.

And the Kendragons Rejoice!

So... break is over. I'm back in Chicago and I'm once again finding myself at the start of a new quarter.

Sigh!

But it's the last quarter of my undergraduate degree, and in a very short three months I will be forced to enter the real world, and I'm sure by the time I reach that point I will be sitting slack jawed with drool dribbling out of my numb mouth because I will have been struck dumb by wondering with great fervor how in the Hell time went so very, very fast.

So I decided that I am going to live the next few months in the present, enjoying this nearly-finished period in my life (or as much as possible while searching for a job and trying to plan my truly adult life). Which will be made much easier because I actually did have an amazingly relaxing Spring Break.

You see, Lucky Readers, despite the car fire my time in Cleveland was tons-o-fun. I got to spend a lot of good time with Ted, I hung out with my friends doing many of the things I love to do with them (read as watching the guys get way too into March Madness games, playing far too intense games of Catch Phrase and Can't Stop, making up the rules for a drinking game version of Sorry!, and going down to West 6th to get pushed and shoved through tiny places while paying far too much for only alright drinks but enjoying every moment of it), got to see my family (well...most of it), and caught up on my sleep cycle. And although I got a really bad headache the last day I was there, I didn't really care all that much. It was a fantastic break, y'all.

And the fact that one of my best Cleveland friends will be coming out this weekend to visit just makes it feel like the break will be prolonged, and there is nothin' wrong with that.

So overall, happiness is occuring in the land of the Kendragon right now. And this makes her very pleased.

I just need to shut out the little nagging voice in the back of my head that is trying to bring me down right now, what with it's "You have classes and homework coming! Ha, ha!", "You'll never get a good job! Tee hee!", and "You've wasted the last three and a half years of your life! What a loser!"-ish comments. Cause if I don't it will succeed in dragging me down. Again. And I don't want that. I want to stay in this nice, level area that I have been at for nearly a week now (thank you very much!) for as long as humanly possible.

So to combat this evilness before it get too strong, I will do the follow:

I'll keep up my mantras. I'll keep my nose to the grindstone. I'll keep taking my meds. I will work out (again!) and eat well. I will enjoy the sun when it is shinning. I'll read all the books I need to read as well as some of the ones I want to read. I will wathc many, many films. I'll keep up with friends and family. I won't get overwhelmed and stressed. I will allow Ted to continue to treat me as well as I deserve without sabotaging it cause my crazy tells me I'm not worth it. I will not get distracted or depressed. I will not waste time or money. I will graduate with flying freaking colors!

What? I totally will ...

Unicorns and rainbows are EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!

So the worst of my worst days are over ... relatively speaking. I still have the craziness of the opera this weekend at work, but that shouldn't be too, too terrible. Although I do hate the opera. The customers who call in, leading them through seating charts, getting yelled at cause the music school takes all the good seats, dealing with the music school, dealing with the primadonna cast members/musician (and yes, primadonnas are worse than drama queens), and the very fact that its an opera which i can appreciate but just don't dig on ... I hate everything about it! But hey, at least I don't have to watch it this year.

Am I right?!? *Puts hand up in the air waiting for someone to high five it* Am I right ?!?

But besides the prospect of that looming over my head I am actually ... big breath now ...

HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, crazy right? But yea I was walking down the street today and I realized that for the first time in like two months, I was happy without any influence at all (you see, I can be happy when, say, I'm hanging out with friends or visiting Ted. But without anything like that ... not so much)! I literally has a bounce in my step, Lucky Readers!

So to celebrate I put one of my new favorite mixes onto my iPod and I lip-sang along to it while I rode the El and walked down the streets without giving two shits what anyone thought about it. But I did resist the urge to dance until I got back to the apartment. That would have been too much, me thinks.

I'm not sure why I was so happy. Nor do I think I really care. I mean, it could be that the roughest days of this hellsih end to the quarter from hell are over. Or it could be that I am going home in about a week now and I simply cannot wait to see the streets of my little slice of Cleveland suburbia, friends there, family, and (sigh!) Ted. Or maybe its that my therapy and meds are finally beginning to squelsh my crazy enough that I can actually be at my base level for a few days without interruption.

The point is, I don't care. I'm just so happy that it happened, and I want to enjoy it without killing it with questions.

And speaking of my therapist, I started meeting with her this week (before it was just a psychiatrist, and now I get both - that's just how crazy I am!) which meant that I had to give my history to her and can I just say ... how am I not more crazy than I am?

But we'll leave that for another day, when I'm not so happy.

And now I leave you so I can go skipping down the beautiful sunny streets of my beautiful sunny city while animated flowers bloom and grow behind me and blue birds soar towards my head tweeting a melody over the up-tempo, Disneyesque music!

I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish!

I wish ... oh so many things, Lucky Reader. I do this on a daily basis anymore, and I feel like if I don't share them I will eventually pop. And I don't want that. I don't want my head to explode in a brilliant zombie movie flash and for the gooey bits of my former head to be splattered all over whoever happens to be close by. And since our computer system is going wonkey today and i can't do any work, I thought now might be a good time to share it.

For starters, I wish I knew what I wanted after college.

I know I keep on bringing this up, but it is a major issue for me right now. I am still so completely torn between Chicago and Cleveland, and every single day I seem to be changing my mind. To break it down into basics, Chicago has the industry, Cleveland has the family. So basically I need to make a decision between having a successful career, and having my safety net. It's so hard for me, and I just can't make a decision. And I don't know how to get closer to that point. I think that may be the most frustrating thing about the situation overall ...

I wish Ted* and I lived in the same state.

Right now there are only two truly, solidly, undisrupted positive things I have going for me. One is awesome roomie. The other is Ted. And while the latter is fabulous and wonderful and everything I need in my life right now, he still lives in Toledo. And although I get to see him fairly often, it isn't enough. And it sucks. I miss him ... alot ... more than I want to admit.

I wish the quarter from Hell was done already.

Okay, that one is pretty self explanatory. This quarter has sucked. It's been a lot of long days, long nights, and long projects (most of them with groups - hooray). I have had so little free time it's ridiculous. My sleep cycle is incrediblly off and all I want is to sleep for a week straight right now. And don't call that senioritis. It's not. It's I-hate-stupid-professors-itis.

I wish my crazy would fix itself.

Yes, I am very happy that I am getting my crazy taken care of, Lucky Reader. But this process is really hard on me and hurting. It's altering the actual manifestation of the crazy, and it's putting me really off balance. For instance, last night i was hanging out with my friends, having a really good time. Out of nowhere, though, I suddenly got really sad and just wanted to leave and go home. In fact i didn't feel right until I was walking into my apartment again. That used to happen to me alot when I was in high school, but hasn't for a long enough time now that it is making me worry.

I just want to cut to four months from now when it should be better and I wont feel like this anymore. But until then, let me just say that I love being crazy! It's fantastic fun!

I wish it was spring break already!

I'm going to be going back to Cleveland for about a week for it, and I'm really excitied. I get to see my family, have rawkus fun with my very good friends, get to see Ted for a few days, and finally just CHILLAX!!! It's going to be amazing and I am very eager.

Finally, I wish that my meeting with my academic advisor goes well today.

She might tell me that my graduation is going to be delayed. I'm wicked nervous and I really hope it doesn't happen. So, cross your fingers for me, Lucky Readers.

I appreciate it!

*For future reference, all names in my blog are changed.