Look at me! I'm happy and content! WEE!!!

Okay ... so it's been about a month since I've written on here. So I'm going to give you a hopefully brief update.

Essentially, I am now a college graduate. The ceremony was wonderful and surprisingly fun and I was thrilled to see my family. They helped me to move out of my Chicago apartment and I returned to Cleveland. I desperately miss Chicago and all of my friends there. I wish i could just walk down to the beaches on the nice days and spend my nights hanging out in dive bars with my bestest buddies. But they're there. I'm here. Hopefully I'll be there for a visit soon. But until then, here I stay.

But, I am incrediblly happy to be back in Cleveland. I'm having a lot of fun with my friends out here who are all happy to have me back. We've been exploring parts of the city that I either forgot existed or never knew did, so it's turning out to be quite the adventure. I'm getting closer to my family again, and I'm enjoying the simple things like getting to drive my car and sit outside near fire pits. It's been fabulous.

My girl Neat and I are having amazing fun together. Going to concerts, going downtown to clubs and dancing, seeing fireworks go boom into the night sky ... it's all been amazingly fun! We've also been planning our trip to Vegas (woohoo!), which I think will be super cool. We have another friend joining us and I have a feeling that it will be even more awesome because of it. I simply can't wait. Oh! And I think I will be going out to St. Louis with my family for a little trip to a man-made lake. It's supposed to be super cool, and it should be fun. So...vacations ho!

Overall I've taking care of myself very well. Emotionally I've been more or less relaxed, calm and even keeled. I had one minor argument with a friend that I won't really get into but i don't feel like it was my fault. But nonetheless, I've been keeping balanced and in a good, happy place. As for my physical being, I've been doing good with that. I've been cooking alot, eating well, working out, and I've lost nearly ten pounds. Now if I could only keep it off...

I'm enjoying this bit of downtime that I have between school and beginning to work. Speaking of which, there hasn't been much progress in this department. Until today that is. I had an interview with a company that I would love to work for. I'd be selling ad space, but doing so with individualized packages and with lots of flexibility. I'm super excited about the possibility of working with this company. And the fact that the interview went swimmingly well doesn't hurt at all. I even have another interview setup for tomorrow with them in another branch, so I'm pretty sure that they are interested in me. At least that's what I hope for.

So basically, good things right now. Hooray!

Kendragon may take the floor to present its resolution...

I bring to the floor a resolution. If someone is looking to my blog hoping to find hurtful and horrible information about him/her, they should realize that this is hurtful/insulting and would never happen, and furthermore make a point of not calling me to complain and make demands after he/she tries REALLY, REALLY hard to misconstrue a compliment I gave said person (after I was given permission to write about him/her) into an insult.

All those in favor ...

But I'm not going to name/insult the individual who did not abide by the points of this resolution. Because I'm not going to give said individual the satisfaction of doing exactly what said person was looking for. I will, though, state that I find both the action and the very idea that anyone could for a minute think that I would/could public defame an acquaintance that has done me no harm hurtful and disturbing.

Oh! And did I mention that this came on the same day that I got a rejection letter from the job that I most wanted to date. A cold, generic letter that met me just minutes before I was going to call the company to follow up on my application. Yea. The job hit came about an hour before the aforementioned call. Great, great couple of hours. But that's all I will say about that.

Otherwise things are good right now. Stressful, but good. My days are filled with simple things but a lot of them. So essentially they are long and fairly boring. But it's cool. I'm a mere week away from being a college graduate, and about two and a half away from being back home.

Super-duper-happy-excitied, Lucky Readers.

On top of the, Neat and I just solidified when we are going to Vegas, and although it won't be as soon as I previously thought, the fact that we are going and at a much cheaper rate then we thought before (reason for postponing...) makes it totally and completely cool to me.

But I'm trying not to get too excitied about things to come. For now I'm focusing on the present; including my presentation that is to start in just about an hour, the meeting I have to attend tonight, writing my Capstone paper and preparing for a presentation tonight, compiling notebooks of previous work to try and help me get a job, working out, helping a friend make a business plan with only a little experience with it myself, and thinking about packing my stuff.

And that's only what I'm doing before the family converges on Chicago to steal me away from the city, at which point all new craziness will begin.

And now I'm speaking in stereotypical blogger tones. See! This is what stress does to me...

Know anyone hiring talented, witty, awesome people? Please?

So it's been a hot minute since I've posted. And this post will be short. You see, Lucky Readers, I have been incrediblly busy the past week or so. Mostly with fairly mundane shit. But nonetheless I am finding myself with little to no free time anymore. For cryin' in the dark, I barely have enough time to sleep properly!

But I better become accustomed to it. Cause I think the remainder of this next quarter is going to be alot of the same.

Sigh. Moan, sigh.

What is bothering my most of all right now is this whole what-am-I-going-to-do-after-graduation thing. Everytime I start to get my mind wrapped around the options that I have and farily favor, everything changes. I get new info, more advice, more options ... and then I'm screwed. And it's leaving me dumbstruck, unable to act in any particular direction. I mean, I don't even know what city I want to live in yet, much less what I am going to do to pay the bills. And the closer I get to graduation (about eight and a half weeks...) the more nervous I get.

I've said it nine thousand times before, but I wish I could just cut to two months from now when I'll know what I want and how I want it to happen. And then I'll be content and very well-off for a college graudate and everything will be sunshine and roses.

That'll be swell.

All I know is that this not knowing things is really stressing me out. And all the stress is making my crazy act up. I've been really off-balance lately in the very extreme sense of the term, and it's exhausting. And it's only one and half weeks into the quarter!

I need to get it in check...sooner rather than later. I just wish someone could tell me how. And while s/he is at it, if s/he can just tell me everything else, it would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

I repeat...

Sigh. Moan, sigh.

And the Kendragons Rejoice!

So... break is over. I'm back in Chicago and I'm once again finding myself at the start of a new quarter.

Sigh!

But it's the last quarter of my undergraduate degree, and in a very short three months I will be forced to enter the real world, and I'm sure by the time I reach that point I will be sitting slack jawed with drool dribbling out of my numb mouth because I will have been struck dumb by wondering with great fervor how in the Hell time went so very, very fast.

So I decided that I am going to live the next few months in the present, enjoying this nearly-finished period in my life (or as much as possible while searching for a job and trying to plan my truly adult life). Which will be made much easier because I actually did have an amazingly relaxing Spring Break.

You see, Lucky Readers, despite the car fire my time in Cleveland was tons-o-fun. I got to spend a lot of good time with Ted, I hung out with my friends doing many of the things I love to do with them (read as watching the guys get way too into March Madness games, playing far too intense games of Catch Phrase and Can't Stop, making up the rules for a drinking game version of Sorry!, and going down to West 6th to get pushed and shoved through tiny places while paying far too much for only alright drinks but enjoying every moment of it), got to see my family (well...most of it), and caught up on my sleep cycle. And although I got a really bad headache the last day I was there, I didn't really care all that much. It was a fantastic break, y'all.

And the fact that one of my best Cleveland friends will be coming out this weekend to visit just makes it feel like the break will be prolonged, and there is nothin' wrong with that.

So overall, happiness is occuring in the land of the Kendragon right now. And this makes her very pleased.

I just need to shut out the little nagging voice in the back of my head that is trying to bring me down right now, what with it's "You have classes and homework coming! Ha, ha!", "You'll never get a good job! Tee hee!", and "You've wasted the last three and a half years of your life! What a loser!"-ish comments. Cause if I don't it will succeed in dragging me down. Again. And I don't want that. I want to stay in this nice, level area that I have been at for nearly a week now (thank you very much!) for as long as humanly possible.

So to combat this evilness before it get too strong, I will do the follow:

I'll keep up my mantras. I'll keep my nose to the grindstone. I'll keep taking my meds. I will work out (again!) and eat well. I will enjoy the sun when it is shinning. I'll read all the books I need to read as well as some of the ones I want to read. I will wathc many, many films. I'll keep up with friends and family. I won't get overwhelmed and stressed. I will allow Ted to continue to treat me as well as I deserve without sabotaging it cause my crazy tells me I'm not worth it. I will not get distracted or depressed. I will not waste time or money. I will graduate with flying freaking colors!

What? I totally will ...

There's nothing more I would love to do than chillax, Amanda...

Approximately four hours, Lucky Readers.

I am approximately four hours away from the official end of the quarter from hell.

I am thrilled and happy beyond belief. And I will surely be disappointed when I exit the room from taking my last final exam and confetti/multi-colored balloons don't drop from the sky in a flurish of delightful hues as noise makers trumpet the whiny joy of a college student who is far too happy to be done with studying ... even if it is only for a week.

Stupid education...

But yes, only one test left and it should go well enough. I just finished making a study guide (that I have already given to two other classmates to study from, and will probably give to a couple more before the start of the test), and now I'm taking a breather before running off to find a quiet place to review the overly simplistic coverings of the extremely elementary area of study that is Human Resources Management. Or at least that is how my professor has made it for the last ten weeks.

But anyway...

I'm really looking forward to my spring break. Which will offically begin the minute I walk out of that horrible, horrible classroom and head over to meet awesome roomie to finally see 300. After which I will head home to clean the apartment (which desperately needs it), pack, and hopefully make a collage that I think will be really cute when I finish.

You see, tomorrow I'm heading home to Cleveland, at which point I will be around my family, friends, and (starting on Friday) Ted. I will spend my time there chillaxing, reading, knitting, seeing some of my current favorite people, and (hopefully!) interviewing for a job, if I can convince the dude to meet with me.

And it will be grand. To have a couple days to just fucking be - without stress and whatnot. It will be like my entire body saying "Ahhhhhhhhh!" and this notion truly pumps me up.

The only snag I may have is that my doctors have decided to start me on a new med, and the fact that it will probably mess with my body for the first few weeks kind of makes me sad. Oh! And don't forget about the fact that they told me that if I were to get pregnant right now (don't worry though, I have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE to do that), the kid would come out all deformed and creepy cause of the medication I'm on.

And cut to when the kid is four, following me around screaming "One of us! One of us!" all the time. I ... I just don't think I wanna deal with that.

But, hey, it will make me better in the end, so whatever happens in the beginning is totally worth it. And, you know, giving me a twentith reason to not want to have a kid at this point in my life is totally awesome too.

If you haven't picked up on this yet (and you'd ahve to be fairly slow to not have picked up on this fact by now), I've made a turn for the positive again. This time, it was just going to see my doctors, and having them force me to realistically talk about what was going through my head that helped. In a few sort weeks I have become completely comfortable talking to them about my stuff, and it feels amazing to do so. Cause I never really have been able to do that with anyone before. In fact, it made me feel so good, that after my session I went over to the Gap and did some sale shopping, which only helped my good mood.

I freaking love a deal, y'all.

I do believe that one of these days this whole therapy thing will prove to be one of the most positive things I will have ever done for myself. And while it may suck to deal with everything, it's gonna all be for the best. And the fact that I am beginning to think this way makes me see that my outlook is changing. For this reason, I am extremely proud of myself.

But now I'm off to study. Although ... since I have so much time, I think I will first head down to the bookstore and pick up a new graphic novel, per my going-back-to-cleveland ritual. It'll be freaking sweet!

Wish me luck, Lucky Readers!


Three hours and fourty-five minutes...

Life stuck on repeat

Despite me grandest of efforts, I let myself think a rather foolish thought, Lucky Reader. I let myself, for five seconds, believe that being happy for three days meant that I was all not crazy anymore.


Isn't that a fun trick to play on myself? So silly! Tee hee!

The past couple days have been really rough. Again. Surprise, surprise. But I handled it better than the last bout of badness. Nothing harmful happened this time. In fact, when I had ... bad thoughts ... I made a healthier choice and made a collage. This may sound like a little victory to other people, but to me it's huge. Mostly cause if I could do it once, that means I can do it again.

This was my beaches of Normandy, people.

Plus, Ted really stepped up to the plate and helped me through the worst of it. Before, I had been afraid to reach out to him and tell him about what I was going through. Cause even though he knew about my crazy (and has been wonderful about it, by the by. He's responded with openness and a desire to understand, which is exactly how someone should respond to such news. I really like him, guys...) I was afraid that if he actually bore witness to it it would scare him away. But it didn't. He just stayed on the phone with me until I felt better. He let me talk through it as much as possible, asked questions to help me articulate my thoughts, and tried really hard to just make me smile, which, sadly, is all I really need sometimes. I am so fucking proud of him right now, Lucky Readers, and I feel so very lucky that I have someone like him.

But none the less, its still been rough. Especially in light of the previous low period (which was only about a week ago. That's right, I'm off balance as shit, y'all!). Basically, I had let myself binge on bad behavior during the previous low period. I didn't fight the urges I get and instead I gave into them. Even though I knew that I shouldn't. And that I had been okay for nearly three months prior to that. And afterwards I was left reeling in my own head, wondering what the hell just happened.

Wow. Reading that back it makes me sound like I do heavy drugs or binge drink. Especially in light of the fact that I'm watching Intervention right now. Rest assured, Lucky Readers, I do not. I'm not that crazy.

But, yea. The roughness of the past couple days has been heartbreaking to me. Especially after I actually felt normal, at least much more than I have for a bit now. And to feel this way now ... it sucks.

Suckity suck suck sucks.

But I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. And I'll be going back to Cleveland on the 21st. And the quarter from hell has only two days remaining in it. And the opera's done so I never have to work one ever again (hooray!). And I am loved.

Ecetera, ecetera, ecetera.

So once again, I'm going to keep repeating that stuff to myself. But this is getting exhausting and it's not really working all too fantastically. And I'm getting really frustrated.

I'm trying to get better. But the getting better is making things worse. And I know that it has to be that way sometimes, but COME ON! How much do I have to put up with in order to get there?

I go to my doctors so I can get the medication I need to balance out. But there I have to talk about why I need it and that makes me dig up the shit I hate to think about. And then the rough stuff is just laying there, exposed and raw in a vat of salt. And I can't help but think about it. And then I can't help but dwell on it. And that makes me feel like I did for eight years.

But...things aren't really as bad as I see them as being. Not even close.

And the fact that I have to conciously tell myself that over and over again sucks incrediblly.

Unicorns and rainbows are EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!

So the worst of my worst days are over ... relatively speaking. I still have the craziness of the opera this weekend at work, but that shouldn't be too, too terrible. Although I do hate the opera. The customers who call in, leading them through seating charts, getting yelled at cause the music school takes all the good seats, dealing with the music school, dealing with the primadonna cast members/musician (and yes, primadonnas are worse than drama queens), and the very fact that its an opera which i can appreciate but just don't dig on ... I hate everything about it! But hey, at least I don't have to watch it this year.

Am I right?!? *Puts hand up in the air waiting for someone to high five it* Am I right ?!?

But besides the prospect of that looming over my head I am actually ... big breath now ...

HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, crazy right? But yea I was walking down the street today and I realized that for the first time in like two months, I was happy without any influence at all (you see, I can be happy when, say, I'm hanging out with friends or visiting Ted. But without anything like that ... not so much)! I literally has a bounce in my step, Lucky Readers!

So to celebrate I put one of my new favorite mixes onto my iPod and I lip-sang along to it while I rode the El and walked down the streets without giving two shits what anyone thought about it. But I did resist the urge to dance until I got back to the apartment. That would have been too much, me thinks.

I'm not sure why I was so happy. Nor do I think I really care. I mean, it could be that the roughest days of this hellsih end to the quarter from hell are over. Or it could be that I am going home in about a week now and I simply cannot wait to see the streets of my little slice of Cleveland suburbia, friends there, family, and (sigh!) Ted. Or maybe its that my therapy and meds are finally beginning to squelsh my crazy enough that I can actually be at my base level for a few days without interruption.

The point is, I don't care. I'm just so happy that it happened, and I want to enjoy it without killing it with questions.

And speaking of my therapist, I started meeting with her this week (before it was just a psychiatrist, and now I get both - that's just how crazy I am!) which meant that I had to give my history to her and can I just say ... how am I not more crazy than I am?

But we'll leave that for another day, when I'm not so happy.

And now I leave you so I can go skipping down the beautiful sunny streets of my beautiful sunny city while animated flowers bloom and grow behind me and blue birds soar towards my head tweeting a melody over the up-tempo, Disneyesque music!

Remember when I said I was going to try to be positive? Yea, I do too...

I really don't know how I'm going to get through this next week. Or rather nine-ish days. I just took a look at my schedule again (which is really dumb of me to do right now because every time that I do I feel like the floor is opening up and beginning to chew on my toes just to tease me before expanding the full arc of the jaw and swallowing me whole), and felt like I was going to cry because of how utterly terrified I am at the prospect of getting everything done on time.

Let me explain a bit. You see, I do too much stuff. I attend university in a conservatory program that is still rather intense. I am working toward getting my minor, which is forcing me to take lot of commerce classes with really boring/irritating/annoying/overly-demanding, unrealistic professors, with few exceptions. All of them are requiring lots of work for finals week, and most of them are all about the group projects, which are highly annoying because I hate to work with groups when I have no real way of demanding work from the group members/compaining to anyone when they don't produce. So all that means that I get stuck doing all the work and getting all the blame if we get even one point off (yes, that did happen recently in my very worst class. From a girl who had never even emailed anyone none the less!)

I am doing an internship at a local theatre, and because I need as many hours as possible to meet the course requirements so that I can get class credit and graduate on time, I am having to agree to working lots, and lots, and lots of hours. I work at my other theatre as well, and we are just about to be entering the hell week for the opera rental which means even more work. And while it also means a nice chunk of change for me (again, in college terms), it will surely suck in the extreme.

I'm trying to keep healthy, which means spending lots of time trying to keep up communications with people at home. But, that also means the stress of talking with them cause they all have their own issues too (not that I mind. far from it. I just have so much else on my plate right now). I'm trying to keep up a newer relationship with Ted over long-distance, which is great in the sense of having another support person, but difficult because I miss him, and that alone is adding more stress.

Oh, and let's not forget going to the doctor once a week to rehash things that I have been diligently suppressing for years and years now, and being on new medications that apparently have to beat me up before they start to really work. Oh, and the meds make me really tired so that I can barely wake-up in the mornings and I have a hard time studying at night ... both of which boded well for my final that I had this morning that I do not believe went too well. Hooray!

All and all, it's a fun, fun time for me. And I simply cannot wait for it to be done so that I have a couple days to just chillax in Cleveland before starting it all up again.

Anyone feel like trading places with me until then? Hmm? No takers?

Damnit.

Liquor ... but I just met her! aka Drunkity drunk drunk drunk!

I broke my drinking streak this weekend. I drank way too much and got sick for the first time ever, Lucky Readers ... from liquor that is. And let me just say I still don't get what the big hullabaloo is about drinking till you get sick. It hurts (I learned that throwing up alchol REALLLLLLY burns), it's messy, and I have felt redonkulously ill all day (beyond hangover my friends). Plus, Ted got really mad when he found out how drunk I got (well... as really mad as he gets. He's a very mellow guy ... never even raised his voice), and although I love that he cares enough to get upset, I hate that I made him so.

Never, ever, ever again Lucky Readers.

The rest of the weekend wasn't much better. I worked at my internship nearly all of the first nice weather weekend we've had in months. I still am stressed beyond belief and can't focus enough to study ... like I should be doing right about now actually.

Oh...and my crazy is making me do bad things again. Wee!!!!!!

But I don't want to dwell on all that. I want to be as positive as possible right now. So instead I'm going to think about how I'm almost done with the quarter from hell, how I have awesome friends (who held my hair back for me even), an amazing man in my life, lots of money coming my way (in college terms that is), spring break coming (10 days away from Cleveland!), and an appointment with my doctor, which I will use to try and decipher my crazy some more.

I will have a good week Lucky Readers. I will, I will, I will, I will, I will! Even if it freakin' kills me ...