There's a tear in my beer, and other bad, bad country song lyrics

Everything makes me sad.

I realized this as I got drunk tonight on an empty stomach after leaving the apartment alone
without telling anyone where I was going, and frankly not knowing myself, because I didn't want to cry again cause I've cried too much in my life.

I think I've used up my alottment of tears. I've cried too much over too little. And now I won't allow myself to do it anymore.

The universe will punish me if I do.

I feel like a freak right now. I feel sad. I feel lost and alone and unlovable.

And that's all I thought about. While I was at work today. While I sat on the couch just hoping that someone would express some sort of care about the fact that I existed. While I realized that it's not anyone's job to do so. While I got dressed knowing that I had no idea where I was going. While I drank only three beers and got freaking drunk as shit since I had only soup and cheerios in my head for the past three days. While I tried to ignore the fact that only two sad drunk guys were sitting across the bar from me and the bartender was more interested in talking to them then me.

I'm just all alone. And apparently pathetic and redonkulous. And that doesn't make anything better.

So now I'm going to go back to pretending I don't hear things so that I can sit in my apartment and not feel like a lepper. Cause I will be alone forever and need to be reminded of that as often as possible.

And shit. Now I'm crying.

Wait for the smitting.



*Note - please ignore my bad spelling or grammar. I'm writing this while drunk. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Liquor ... but I just met her! aka Drunkity drunk drunk drunk!

I broke my drinking streak this weekend. I drank way too much and got sick for the first time ever, Lucky Readers ... from liquor that is. And let me just say I still don't get what the big hullabaloo is about drinking till you get sick. It hurts (I learned that throwing up alchol REALLLLLLY burns), it's messy, and I have felt redonkulously ill all day (beyond hangover my friends). Plus, Ted got really mad when he found out how drunk I got (well... as really mad as he gets. He's a very mellow guy ... never even raised his voice), and although I love that he cares enough to get upset, I hate that I made him so.

Never, ever, ever again Lucky Readers.

The rest of the weekend wasn't much better. I worked at my internship nearly all of the first nice weather weekend we've had in months. I still am stressed beyond belief and can't focus enough to study ... like I should be doing right about now actually.

Oh...and my crazy is making me do bad things again. Wee!!!!!!

But I don't want to dwell on all that. I want to be as positive as possible right now. So instead I'm going to think about how I'm almost done with the quarter from hell, how I have awesome friends (who held my hair back for me even), an amazing man in my life, lots of money coming my way (in college terms that is), spring break coming (10 days away from Cleveland!), and an appointment with my doctor, which I will use to try and decipher my crazy some more.

I will have a good week Lucky Readers. I will, I will, I will, I will, I will! Even if it freakin' kills me ...