Hi. I'm Even-Steven...er...Stevette?

So, it's been a week or so since I wrote anything. I've been crazy busy on top of being crazy sad/depressed, so I've been a bit preoccupied. So I'll update for ya.

The crazy busy has mostly been in regards to classes, but it's also been the job search. I won't dwell on that again, but basically I am super frustrated about the lack of solid leads. Although I am happy to report that some friends are coming through with vague possibilities. But right now they are very vague. And that's aggrevating.

Plus, when I talked to my doctor about it (she asked, I swear) she eventually had to state, "Wow. You have every reason to be frustrated and upset. That sucks."

Yep, that's what she said. More or less.

As for being sad/depressed again...well I have no explanation for that beyond the fact that it's my crazy striking. Again. Joy.

I really do need to stop being so surprised by this. I mean, it's kind of the nature of the crazy. And I need to learn to deal with it rather than responding with "What the Hell!?" Cause clearly that's not helping anything. But then again, I don't know how else to react, so this whole vague idea of changing my response may just be an exercise in futility.

Sigh...

But it hasn't all been bad, Lucky Readers. I've been having a lot of fun hanging out with my friends. I've been doing new things and redisovering pasttimes that I had vaguely abandoned (remember bowling? I didn't until Monday...). I've had a couple really fun bar nights and I even tried a juice fast to de-toxify my system. Although I did kinda cheat at it. A little. I had a salad each day and two beers. Sue me.

Plus, as a result of the fast I decided that I am going to start back up with my diet. I know, I know, I keep saying that. But this time I know I have to stay with it. I'm about to graduate and enter the work world, which will give me alot of stress plus a more seditary life style, which spells weight gain. And since I'm not at the lower weight that I think I should be at, I'm going to need to form some good habits now. That also includes exercising, which I need to get back into.

I will do it this time. I really, really, really, will!

But now I should probably go since I'm in class and should be paying attention (tee hee!). To sum up... sad but trying to be positive, stressed by trying to relax, worried about graduation, but pleased about having real fun with real friends.

So...I balance out. Good for me!

Know anyone hiring talented, witty, awesome people? Please?

So it's been a hot minute since I've posted. And this post will be short. You see, Lucky Readers, I have been incrediblly busy the past week or so. Mostly with fairly mundane shit. But nonetheless I am finding myself with little to no free time anymore. For cryin' in the dark, I barely have enough time to sleep properly!

But I better become accustomed to it. Cause I think the remainder of this next quarter is going to be alot of the same.

Sigh. Moan, sigh.

What is bothering my most of all right now is this whole what-am-I-going-to-do-after-graduation thing. Everytime I start to get my mind wrapped around the options that I have and farily favor, everything changes. I get new info, more advice, more options ... and then I'm screwed. And it's leaving me dumbstruck, unable to act in any particular direction. I mean, I don't even know what city I want to live in yet, much less what I am going to do to pay the bills. And the closer I get to graduation (about eight and a half weeks...) the more nervous I get.

I've said it nine thousand times before, but I wish I could just cut to two months from now when I'll know what I want and how I want it to happen. And then I'll be content and very well-off for a college graudate and everything will be sunshine and roses.

That'll be swell.

All I know is that this not knowing things is really stressing me out. And all the stress is making my crazy act up. I've been really off-balance lately in the very extreme sense of the term, and it's exhausting. And it's only one and half weeks into the quarter!

I need to get it in check...sooner rather than later. I just wish someone could tell me how. And while s/he is at it, if s/he can just tell me everything else, it would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

I repeat...

Sigh. Moan, sigh.

There's nothing more I would love to do than chillax, Amanda...

Approximately four hours, Lucky Readers.

I am approximately four hours away from the official end of the quarter from hell.

I am thrilled and happy beyond belief. And I will surely be disappointed when I exit the room from taking my last final exam and confetti/multi-colored balloons don't drop from the sky in a flurish of delightful hues as noise makers trumpet the whiny joy of a college student who is far too happy to be done with studying ... even if it is only for a week.

Stupid education...

But yes, only one test left and it should go well enough. I just finished making a study guide (that I have already given to two other classmates to study from, and will probably give to a couple more before the start of the test), and now I'm taking a breather before running off to find a quiet place to review the overly simplistic coverings of the extremely elementary area of study that is Human Resources Management. Or at least that is how my professor has made it for the last ten weeks.

But anyway...

I'm really looking forward to my spring break. Which will offically begin the minute I walk out of that horrible, horrible classroom and head over to meet awesome roomie to finally see 300. After which I will head home to clean the apartment (which desperately needs it), pack, and hopefully make a collage that I think will be really cute when I finish.

You see, tomorrow I'm heading home to Cleveland, at which point I will be around my family, friends, and (starting on Friday) Ted. I will spend my time there chillaxing, reading, knitting, seeing some of my current favorite people, and (hopefully!) interviewing for a job, if I can convince the dude to meet with me.

And it will be grand. To have a couple days to just fucking be - without stress and whatnot. It will be like my entire body saying "Ahhhhhhhhh!" and this notion truly pumps me up.

The only snag I may have is that my doctors have decided to start me on a new med, and the fact that it will probably mess with my body for the first few weeks kind of makes me sad. Oh! And don't forget about the fact that they told me that if I were to get pregnant right now (don't worry though, I have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE to do that), the kid would come out all deformed and creepy cause of the medication I'm on.

And cut to when the kid is four, following me around screaming "One of us! One of us!" all the time. I ... I just don't think I wanna deal with that.

But, hey, it will make me better in the end, so whatever happens in the beginning is totally worth it. And, you know, giving me a twentith reason to not want to have a kid at this point in my life is totally awesome too.

If you haven't picked up on this yet (and you'd ahve to be fairly slow to not have picked up on this fact by now), I've made a turn for the positive again. This time, it was just going to see my doctors, and having them force me to realistically talk about what was going through my head that helped. In a few sort weeks I have become completely comfortable talking to them about my stuff, and it feels amazing to do so. Cause I never really have been able to do that with anyone before. In fact, it made me feel so good, that after my session I went over to the Gap and did some sale shopping, which only helped my good mood.

I freaking love a deal, y'all.

I do believe that one of these days this whole therapy thing will prove to be one of the most positive things I will have ever done for myself. And while it may suck to deal with everything, it's gonna all be for the best. And the fact that I am beginning to think this way makes me see that my outlook is changing. For this reason, I am extremely proud of myself.

But now I'm off to study. Although ... since I have so much time, I think I will first head down to the bookstore and pick up a new graphic novel, per my going-back-to-cleveland ritual. It'll be freaking sweet!

Wish me luck, Lucky Readers!


Three hours and fourty-five minutes...

Remember when I said I was going to try to be positive? Yea, I do too...

I really don't know how I'm going to get through this next week. Or rather nine-ish days. I just took a look at my schedule again (which is really dumb of me to do right now because every time that I do I feel like the floor is opening up and beginning to chew on my toes just to tease me before expanding the full arc of the jaw and swallowing me whole), and felt like I was going to cry because of how utterly terrified I am at the prospect of getting everything done on time.

Let me explain a bit. You see, I do too much stuff. I attend university in a conservatory program that is still rather intense. I am working toward getting my minor, which is forcing me to take lot of commerce classes with really boring/irritating/annoying/overly-demanding, unrealistic professors, with few exceptions. All of them are requiring lots of work for finals week, and most of them are all about the group projects, which are highly annoying because I hate to work with groups when I have no real way of demanding work from the group members/compaining to anyone when they don't produce. So all that means that I get stuck doing all the work and getting all the blame if we get even one point off (yes, that did happen recently in my very worst class. From a girl who had never even emailed anyone none the less!)

I am doing an internship at a local theatre, and because I need as many hours as possible to meet the course requirements so that I can get class credit and graduate on time, I am having to agree to working lots, and lots, and lots of hours. I work at my other theatre as well, and we are just about to be entering the hell week for the opera rental which means even more work. And while it also means a nice chunk of change for me (again, in college terms), it will surely suck in the extreme.

I'm trying to keep healthy, which means spending lots of time trying to keep up communications with people at home. But, that also means the stress of talking with them cause they all have their own issues too (not that I mind. far from it. I just have so much else on my plate right now). I'm trying to keep up a newer relationship with Ted over long-distance, which is great in the sense of having another support person, but difficult because I miss him, and that alone is adding more stress.

Oh, and let's not forget going to the doctor once a week to rehash things that I have been diligently suppressing for years and years now, and being on new medications that apparently have to beat me up before they start to really work. Oh, and the meds make me really tired so that I can barely wake-up in the mornings and I have a hard time studying at night ... both of which boded well for my final that I had this morning that I do not believe went too well. Hooray!

All and all, it's a fun, fun time for me. And I simply cannot wait for it to be done so that I have a couple days to just chillax in Cleveland before starting it all up again.

Anyone feel like trading places with me until then? Hmm? No takers?

Damnit.

Liquor ... but I just met her! aka Drunkity drunk drunk drunk!

I broke my drinking streak this weekend. I drank way too much and got sick for the first time ever, Lucky Readers ... from liquor that is. And let me just say I still don't get what the big hullabaloo is about drinking till you get sick. It hurts (I learned that throwing up alchol REALLLLLLY burns), it's messy, and I have felt redonkulously ill all day (beyond hangover my friends). Plus, Ted got really mad when he found out how drunk I got (well... as really mad as he gets. He's a very mellow guy ... never even raised his voice), and although I love that he cares enough to get upset, I hate that I made him so.

Never, ever, ever again Lucky Readers.

The rest of the weekend wasn't much better. I worked at my internship nearly all of the first nice weather weekend we've had in months. I still am stressed beyond belief and can't focus enough to study ... like I should be doing right about now actually.

Oh...and my crazy is making me do bad things again. Wee!!!!!!

But I don't want to dwell on all that. I want to be as positive as possible right now. So instead I'm going to think about how I'm almost done with the quarter from hell, how I have awesome friends (who held my hair back for me even), an amazing man in my life, lots of money coming my way (in college terms that is), spring break coming (10 days away from Cleveland!), and an appointment with my doctor, which I will use to try and decipher my crazy some more.

I will have a good week Lucky Readers. I will, I will, I will, I will, I will! Even if it freakin' kills me ...