He's the man with the name you'd love to touch. But you musn't touch!

Got some good news and bad news, Party People.

Okay bad news first:

I think my job is making me sick. I’m so stressed lately that I’ve been getting all sorts of problems with my mouth lately. Cause as we know, my mouth and throat are retarded and are the first places that I get messed up when my body has problems. I’ve got weird white lines running along either side of my tongue (showed it to a friend and she told me that it looks like something she had for awhile when she was under tons of stress, and according to my research it’s some type of auto-immune response to stress), my tongue randomly swells but only when I’m at work, and I’ve been getting tons of canker sores again, which my doctor tells me is probably because of …take a guess…stress. I think I’m allergic to my job, Party People. Wee!

Now to the good news:

Everything else is going great! Still rocking the gym. Clothes are fitting more loosely all the time. I’ve been rocking music from the late 80s and early 90s for the past week or so at work (‘Valerie’ by Steve Winwood anyone?) and its easing some of my tension. I’m only about a week from going out to see Awesome Former Roomie in Chicago and I’m super pumped for that. Crazy has been staying away for the past month or so. Lots of good stuff.

Oh…and then there’s the new guy. I think I’ll call him Max. As in Max Powers. Cause he loves that episode of the Simpsons. Which makes me VERY happy.

Max is pretty great and I’m enjoying him a whole bunch. And its mostly cause there are no games with this one. He’s very up front with me and clearly communicative. I think we’re pretty much at the same place in our lives and it’s very comfortable to be with him.

Not to mention he’s cute as the day is long, very muscly, smarter than many people I know, charming, not afraid to show affection without being gross about it, has great friends that I like hanging out with, and he’s NERDY! I adore that he’s nerdy. So…Max is quickly becoming one of the highlights of my day-to-day.

And I’m seeing him tonight. And I’m excited. And I’m also very dorky about this guy.

The only thing that worries me right now is that I’m moving a bit too fast with Max. But basically he’s been the one taking all the initiative, and I’m aware of the fact that I need to let things just happen without any pressure. And I think I’m doing that to be honest; I’m letting things kind of evolve with him and so far we’re getting a pretty cool species.

So to sum up, Max is great. My health is more-or-less great. My friends are great. Now if we can make one last piece of the puzzle to come together, I won’t have anything to complain about!

Hooray!!!!

So this is my 100th Post, Party People!!!

PARTY TIME!!!!

Wooo!! Look at the balloons dropping from the ceiling!!! It’s a Technicolor display of joy!!! Woooooo!!!!!!!!

For this monumental post I think I’m gonna just focus on the joyness that has been my past few days. Why will this be the focus? Cause I am opting to make this moment about awesomeness rather than Crazy.

Hear that Crazy you jerkoff? It ain’t all about you!

…jerk…

Anywhosel. So I’m looking foxy today. My hair stylist (whom I love love love) took me really blond for the summer and I’m totally feeling the bright locks. She also gave me a mini facial which was amazing. My skin is super duper smooth and I can’t stop touching it. Totally relaxing and wonderful trip to the spa. That coupled with my looking better and better all the time from all the working out.

I’m a bit vain about this I know, but I love how my body has changed from the exercise. I did spinning this weekend and I was able to do the entire class without any major issues. The last time I did spinning I was so out of shape that I nearly passed out and had to leave the class early. Clearly I’m improving. So that’s amazing to note.

Went and hung out with Neat this weekend for a bit. Had a nice little girl chat with her that nourished the feminine bit of me that I try to pretend doesn’t really exist. Which is why I love her. Cause she lets me be that way without mocking me or going to far into that mentality. It twas sweet.

I hung out with some really chill people this weekend. Doing stupid simple things but it was with such a fun group of new people that I dug every moment. One night we went to a cult film series showing of ‘The Thing’. God I love that movie! And the fact that I got to see it with people that were laughing at the same inappropriate moments as me totally took me back to Chicago and my peeps there.

Which I will be going back to in about two weeks y’all! Woohoo for seeing Awesome Former Roomie!

And I’m not gonna talk about it in too much detail since that usually ruins everything, but the group I was hanging out with might have contained a rather cute and charming young man that I enjoyed the company of. Tee!

So hooray Party People! Hooray for good weekends! Hooray for looking pretty! Hooray for being physically fit! Hooray for Neat! Hooray for cult movies! Hooray for planned trips to Chicago! Hooray for Awesome Former Roomie! Hooray for cute boys that seem to dig me!

And hooray for my having Party People that care about me enough to read about my life. Love you all. For reals yo.

Awesomeness!

So in the interest of keeping people up-to-date on all that is awesome in the realm of the Kendragon, here’s a list of things that have been making me incredibly happy and content lately.

The Black Keys. Don’t know em? Look up ‘Strange Times’, ‘Lies’, and ‘The Breaks’. Mmm…good music. How you nourish me!



Speaking of good music, I got to go to a concert with C. Years ago when we were still dating he met Jared Leto when I was in Chicago, and since I LOVE him there has always been an understanding that eventually he would make it up to me. Well…he did so. I’ve loved the band Thursday since I was around 14. It was one of my first real concerts that I went to without parents, and at the old Grog Shop (people from Cleveland will understand the distinction and significance of this). I’ve loved them for a decade now. Well C hooked us up at the show. Not only did I get to meet the band and tell them that I’ve been following them for ever now, but they let us watch the show from side stage, signed a poster for me, and at the end of the show the drummer gave me his drum sticks that he used on stage! It was sweeeet. And we got some killer pictures too.



Okay…and while I’m thinking about the music that has been rocking my world, I’ve also been addicted to Dan la Sac vs. Scroobius Pip’s song ‘Fixed’. I already loved ‘Thou Shalt Always Kill’ but this is rocking my world so much. Enjoy the UK rap, Party People. I command it.

Whole Grain Cheerios with granola combined with blackberries and raspberries. It’s been my breakfast at work for the past few weeks. I look forward to it literally every morning. Freaking delicious.

For some reason I’ve been getting an ass load of movie passes lately. I’ve only paid for a few movies over the past month. Since I’m a girl that loves a deal I’ve been finding it fantastic that I can indulge my obsession for the cost of gas.

While I was working out at home the other day (yea…I do that now. Love being fit y’all) my mom came in to ask me a question and in mid-sentence stopped to gush that I’ve lost a whole bunch of weight. This from a woman that normally won’t tell me that she loves me because she finds it mushy. It made my entire week. And has really pushed me to want to hit the gym even harder.

And finally, the idea that I’m going to be in Chicago later this month to see Awesome Former Roomie and the pet nephews makes me so happy I can’t tell you about it. I miss them and my city so very, very much. Now if the boss would just approve the time off so that I can book my flight…grrrr….

So…totally loving the happiness. Let that be the great take away from this post.

I have returned triumphant!

So I took a break from blogging. Mostly cause I needed time to myself to get over everything that was going down with me. The lowness, the break up, the not-so-happy bout the work…I needed to let all of that breath for a moment.

But I’m back now. Here’s the uber-update. And by uber I hope I mean shortish. Cause I don’t want to inundate my Party People.

I’m pretty much over the Roth break up. It sucked pretty hardcore for about two weeks, but luckily I was able to get back into the male swing of things pretty quickly. I already have three guys that are expressing interest, and although one is seeming to be absolutely wonderful and fantastic, I’m letting myself keep my options open. I feel a bit weird about this, don’t get me wrong. Ideally I want to be with one person that loves the hell out of me. But until I find that person I have to relax and let myself figure out who that will be. Keeping options open seems to be the most ideal way to do this. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass.

In terms of the lowness I’m pretty much out of it. I still have to fight not feeling lonely and rejected. Cause let’s face it, that’s what mind frame Roth put me into. But my amazing friends and these new fellas have helped to distract me from feeling that way every time it gets bad. Partially because I’m becoming smart enough to reach out when I feel shitty, but mostly because they are simply there. And for me that’s more important than anything else.

So hooray for that.

Let’s see…in terms of work things have gone from bad to worse. I have a feeling my boss might be trying to make me quit. But I can’t. So this has been an interesting last couple weeks. I’m pretty much just buckling down and trying to make it through the weeks without people having to yell at me as much as possible. Sigh… I hope things get better soon.

The fitness is going well too. My schedule has made it difficult to steadily go to the gym, but at least when I go now I feel comfortable really working myself out. By that I mean kicking my own ass. I no longer feel weird about using the free weights (used to be intimidated by the big bulky guys that hang out there), and I feel like a part of the gym enough now that I have people that wave at me when they see me come in. So…ta dow.

I don't know... I feel like I'm very close to being on my game. I went into battle and everything turned out positively. As if I'm riding in on my horse to my hometown, nearly done with my epic journey back home with the head of my enemy in my sack to be placed upon a pike as a warning to any others that might threaten me.

...or other images that are not nearly as creepy.

I think that’s about it for now. I promise I am back in the game, and regular blogging will occur again now. So…enjoy that mo fos!

I'm a Sad Panda.

So Roth and I broke up. And the Kendragon is far from rejoicing.

Rather the Kendragon feels stupid and like it’s all her fault. And that’s not cute. Not at all.

I mean yes he lied to me. And yes he did it poorly. And yes I found out. And yes he lied when I called him on it until I told him I have proof. And yes when we were having the break up conversation (that would be the second time around for those keeping track) he told me that he didn’t have near the feelings for me that I had for him, and he admitted that he should have told me that weeks ago. And yes he may have been horrible at communicating with me overall and I was nothing but great to him at all times, and if he can’t see that he’s an idiot.

BUT….

I don’t know…I just feel like this all could have been avoided if I wasn’t a moron. I could have not agreed to get together with him again in the first place. I could have stopped seeing him the minute I realized I had feelings for someone who was very straight forward with me about not wanting anything remotely serious. I could have seen that his refusal to communicate or see me regularly was probably a sign that I was getting involved with someone who was going to be distant.

But of course I didn’t do that. Cause Kendragon’s are very, very silly.

Awesome former Roomie was completely amazing last night with helping me feel better. And let me just state right here how much I appreciate that. But the fact of the matter is no matter how logically I know that none of this is my fault, in my heart I know it really is.

I just wish he hadn’t fought to get me back into his life. That simple fact had me operating off a false assumption that he had some real feelings for me. Silly, silly Kendragon. You should have know that the guy that could hurt you once couldn’t really appreciate you. Not really.

Ugh.

Oh…and this whole thing’s totally not helping the massive lowness either. Dragged me right back into the muck. Thanks Roth. Thanks.

I’m a sad, sad Panda, Party People.

Short and sweet update...just like I'm not. Ba-dum-ching!

Haven’t updated in a couple days here. I hope y’all haven’t missed me too, too much.

Basically the short of it is I’m doing better. Like a lot better.

I’m still having a hard time with the little things right now…like sleeping. I wake up in the middle of the night all the time again and that sucks hardcore. And I have to consciously force myself to buckle down at work.

But at least when I do that I’m getting a lot done. And I’m in a much better mood. So…big bonus.

I don’t know what brought this up-turn (decidedly this time, not just hoping) and I don’t think I care. I’m just thrilled about it and happy that it’s coming early in the week so that I can feel productive instead of like a useless piece of flesh like I did for most of the previous two weeks.

In other news my gym fanaticism is still going strong. I love how my body is beginning to look svelt instead of just trim. And I'm noticing it helping my health now too. Freaking awesome.

I'm also trying to figure out a time I can get out to see Awesome Former Roomie soon. She's been such a rock these past few weeks again and I would love to see her again. And her boy. And my pet nephews. And my city. Gawdddd I miss Chicago!

And a quick update on Roth. Ummm…he’s great. There’s moments where his inconsistent communication bothers me, but who he is and how he treats me is always of the sweetness. We talked again about the communication thing and I think that we're on the same page with that. I'm glad. And I'm happy. He makes me happy. End of discussion.

So to sum it up...I'm doing much, much better. And I'm glad for it. Be glad for me Party People.

He wasn't a very good illusionist

Ahhhhh do I hate Crazy.

Crazy’s a selfish jerk with horrible timing and I loath him.

All I can keep thinking right now is that Mrs. White had it right in “Clue”.

“I hated her... SO MUCH... it was flaming, flames, FLAMES... on the side of my face... heaving breaths, heaving...”

Except…ya know…him.

He’s hitting me hard again. I thought I was on the upside of the swing but turns out it was just a fluke. This sucks hard core.

I spent almost all of my long weekend (such a blessing that I got Monday off of work, cause I wouldn’t have been able to work in the state I was in) either being incredibly depressed and crying for no reason, or sleeping. I’m having trouble sleeping again and when I do sleep I’m having vivid weird dreams again.

Then making everything worse is the fact that Roth and I had a weird weekend. We had a great date on Friday that was simply put wonderful. But then on Saturday aka Valentine’s Day I got literally no communication from him whatsoever. This is after he told me on Friday to expect a call from him. I didn’t wind up hearing a peep from him until Monday night.

Now here’s the thing – I don’t care a bit about Valentine’s Day. The most I care about it is if I’m with someone I would like them to wish me a Happy V-Day. That’s it. If they insist on getting me something make it small and meaningful. Otherwise I don’t give a shit. But when the guy I definitely have feeling for that I’ve been seeing for two months doesn’t even shoot me a quick text saying hi…that gets to me.

That lack of communication combined with Crazy being a jerk ball made for a witch’s brew of badness. So when I finally did talk to Roth on Monday I wasn’t able to keep it in. I calmly but nonetheless let him know that I was hurt. And then I proceed to let him know that I’m at a point that I have real feelings for him and I need to know what we are.

We wound up agreeing that we’re still just seeing each other and nothing hugely serious. I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he said no so I felt that it was the right time to let him know that I’m not either. We aren’t going to move to the next stage yet (as tacky as that phrase is) cause neither of us is there yet. But we both have feelings for the other one, and we’re on the same page now. He knows that I don’t want anything to change and he definitely seems happy about that.

So it was a good talk. And it definitely took the edge off the wanting to cry all the time thing…although I still want to. Cause of Crazy. But I’m super paranoid that now that he’s had time to think he’s going to turn around and change his mind. I’m worried I scared him off. Obviously I hope I didn’t, but one never knows.

Ugh…I’m worried guys. And sad. Very, very sad.

Fuck you Crazy.

Epic Nerd Win!

This weekend was a freaking Nerdfest for me, Party People. I might as well have put on horn-rimmed glasses with tape around the bridge. And then I could’ve sniffed as I pushed them up my acne-riddled face with one hand, as I brushed back my greasy bowl-cut with the other. And then I would compare random statements about traffic to the multi-verse theory and laugh loudly and haltingly while everyone else looks confused.

*Cough*

The cool thing is it covered so many ends of my nerdiness. It was so gratifying on a very complete level.

Every nerd aspect of my personality was satisfied:

Movie Nerd – I saw a few movies this weekend: ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ with Neat, ‘Taken’ with Roth, and ‘Clue’ at a cult film series showing that included actors, audience cat calling, and other fun goodies. So my film tummy got filled up a bit. It was scrumptious.

Health Nerd – I went and had an amazing workout that left me sore for days, and at one point invested in some fitness equipment of my own to keep at home for the days that I don’t want to go to the gym, but I also don’t want to commit a full hour to working out at home. Now I can pound out twenty minutes for my core and arms once or twice a week. Oh! And I’ve lost enough girth that I only have one pair of jeans that fit right. Hooray! So i had to go shopping this weekend, and I got a cut of jeans that I honestly never thought I could fit in. Freaking awesome.

Junk Food Nerd – I had two burgers this weekend, tons of fries, and movie-theatre popcorn. It was so delicious. Haven’t been that bad in months and it was sweet to feel free to take a moment to do so. Cause I’m healthy enough that the occasional splurge is not so big. Sweetness.

Girl Nerd – I had an amazing time with Roth when I saw him. He was sweet, complimentary, and charming. Oh! And when we went dancing he spent a chunk of time going over to a woman around 65 years old that he knows and dancing with her. The full story behind that is so freaking sweet that it totally made my heart swoon a bit. He’s great, y’all.

Graphic Novel Nerd – C gave me his copy of Neil Gaiman’s “Endless Nights” to borrow. It’s one of the few books associated with the ‘Sandman’ series that I haven’t read yet. I’ve already devoured a whole bunch of it. Can’t wait to finish.

Reality TV Nerd – Got to watch a few back episodes of “America’s Next Top Model”. I don’t care what anyone says, that show is FIIIIEEEERCE!

So it was a really great weekend. I had fun, I was athletic, and I got to feel uber girlie. That makes for All-Around Greatness in my book.

But the best thing of all is that I was able to dig out of the low I was in a bit. I’m still verging on not doing great, but at least I’m only at the precipice at this point. I’m no longer sinking into the muck. So in general I’m a (relatively) happy Kendragon. Good times!

Getting the wheels to turn just might help them stop

Slowly but surely feeling a bit better, guys. And once again, it’s cause of intellectualness, so that’s pretty cool.

Actually it’s cause of Stephen Colbert. And RadioLab.

Last night Colbert had Jonah Lehrer on. Now here’s the thing….I love Jonah Leher. He’s nerdy hot and wicked smart. The things I would do to him. Mmmm.

This isn’t the first encounter I’ve had with Lehrer. He’s been on my favorite NPR show RadioLab many times, and every time I find him incredibly interesting. But the experience we had last night was powerful. Earth shaking. I think I saw God!

On last night’s Report he discussed the process of how we make decisions. It wasn’t really funny like most of Colbert’s interviews are, but I still dug the whole thing.

The point that Lehrer hit that I found most interesting was the idea that the decision making processing is impacted by both our logical and emotional sides. At times one may be of more influence then the other, and when we find that happening we should practice meta-cognition (AKA thinking about how we think).

How freaking essential is this for me? I mean, when I’m having these nutty periods where my cooky emotional side is outta control, doesn’t it make sense to force myself to sit back and analyze my thought process? How helpful is that?

During weeks like the last one I’ve had, I simply need to identify the issue, sit back, and think, “Okay, is this Crazy talking to me again? Or is this truly a rational notion that I’m acting on?”

It may be easier said then done in the future, but when I’ve tried doing that today it’s helped so much. And that’s only been with small scale things. It bodes well for me, and is a sign that I am able to actively improve myself.

I’m thinking this is a great thing to keep in the front of my mind, Party People. Hooray for gradual healing!

Crazy's back so its sad. But there's onomatopoeias so it's fun!

This sucks. I’m full-on back in Crazy’s realm Party People. I can’t even try to be cute about it.

I’m back to having trouble sleeping, I’m constantly trying in vain to keep myself focused for long enough to do my job or engage in real conversations. I’m pretty much incapable of having a positive thought about myself…which is super fun!

All I want to do is curl up in bed and not move for days. Nothing feels so useless as having that feeling.

This is the hardest that Crazy has hit me for a long time. He’s decided that he needs to get my attention by trying to deliver a knockout punch. Cause he’s a jerk.

The absolute worst part about this is that I feel like I desperately need to hide it. From coworkers, from my family, and most definitely from Roth. And I’m not used to that. With my family and coworkers I’ve never wanted them to know, so I guess that part’s not strange at all. But before when I got these bouts and I was with someone I would just talk to him about it. C had the same problem so he could help me through it with understanding. Ted was confused by it but always wanted in so I readily let him.

But Roth…ah I KNOW he can’t handle it. He got a slight glimpse once and the result was me not talking to him for three months. And I don’t want that to happen again.

He got a wee bit of it when I couldn’t help but send him a text inquiring if he was pissed at me. And of course he wasn’t. Cause it was paranoid and Crazy’s influence. And his response was pretty much that I need to not be paranoid when it comes to him. And I know logically that that’s right. If he didn’t dig me or was mad at me he would let me know. He’s very blunt in general.

But I can’t help myself. Crazy’s fucking pounding me down and whispering in my ear at the same time.

SMASH! You’re not good enough…never were, never will be. POW! You’re gonna die alone. Better get used to the idea. BAM! Just give in to the sadness. Might as well…no use fighting. ZOWWIE!

Zowwie? Anyway…

I’m trying so hard to not read into his actions. But because of Crazy I’m over-analyzing every action (or more likely lack thereof) that Roth takes and convincing myself that he simply can’t wait to get rid of me.

No, no Kendragon, ignore the probably-more-likely state of affairs that he’s comfortable with me now and we’re just finding a way to communicate after the giggly, can’t-stop-thinking-of-the-other phase is over. Nope. He hates you and is just bidding his time till he breaks your heart again.

And I don’t just think like this over Roth. I’m like this with everything lately. Work, friends, hobbies…all of these things seem utterly awful. Roth is just a easy example.

Oh…and heart wrenching. Don’t forget heart wrenching.

So that’s what I’m thinking lately. But…ya know…trying to hide it.

All I have ever really wanted for my life is to be happy. Happy and to have a family and to have enough money to be comfortable. But above all else the happy. So why the hell can’t Crazy let me have that? Why do I let him in?

Sigh…I don’t know. But I think I might need to start seeing someone of the doctor variety again. And I don’t really want to spend that money. And I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it besides my Party People. But I also don’t want to feel this way.

I just want to be happy.

This is for the fellas! ...in that it's not for the girls.

I’ve probably been driving my fella oriented Party People crazy lately. Assuming I still have any. I may have driven them all away what with the non-stop Roth talk.

Hello? Guys? Still there?

So instead let’s chat a bit about how much I hate not being great at my job. Sounds like fun for everyone, right?

It’s been really irking me, y’all. I grew up never having to work that hard to be good at what I’m passionate about. That’s not to say that I haven’t had to labor to be skilled at something. I have. And I pride myself on it. But I’ve never had to rely purely on that which I’ve learned to be mediocre at something. I usually have some amount of natural skill to throw into the mix.

But when it comes to sales….well I ain’t got any.

I am so not a natural sales person. I have the gift of gab, yes. That’s a big plus. But I do not at all have the inborn ability to convince someone that they need something. Frankly, I’m too understanding. You don’t have the money right now? Okay, I’ll call you back later. Not interested in my product? Fine, you have every right not to be. Going to try to screw me over? Cool, need me to take a particular position?

On paper I know the proper responses to these road blocks. Cause I’m a good student. But in real world practice I slam on my brakes every time.

And I hate it guys. I hate not feeling like I’m good at my job. Mostly cause I have never felt this way before. And yes, I occasionally have my moments where I think I might be figuring this thing out a bit more. But then the next day comes and I realize that I just had a fluke moment. Arg….frustrating!

What makes it even worse is all I can think of is how good I would be at an administrative position. Any admin position. Any where. It’s so my comfort zone and where I am truly confident. And I had that position. Before I got pushed into this one. Back in the good ole days. Sigh.

So what to do about it? Sadly, I don’t think I have any real solution. I think I’m just going to have to keep doing what I’ve been doing in hopes that it will work to my favor some day. Cause I want to be good at my job. I want to be freaking great at it, actually. But sadly I think it’s gonna take a shit ton of work to get there.

It's a *cough* *oww* *sneeze* Update

So I've been sick for a few days. Like uber sick. But I'm not too upset about it. Rather I'm happy that I haven't gotten sick up until now. Usually when we hit cold and flu season I'm repeatedly out of commission. But I think all the working out and eating better has helped keep me healthy up until now.

So that's cool.

The only bummer about this is that I might not be well enough to see Roth this weekend. And that would make Kendragon very sad. Cause he's swell.

Oh, and I decided to definitely make myself exclusive to him. Again, I think it's an ideal choice for me. I'm wicked nervous about whether it's setting myself up for disappointment or worse. But he's such a great guy that I really want to be with. So I need to trust my gut.

And a couple things he said to me last time we got together makes me think that he's feeling at least close to the same way. Like when I told him that I really hate when I interrupt him (I never mean to...it's just a bad habit) he told me that it's not a big deal, and that it's gone from something that annoys him to something he finds charming. Not sure what exactly is charming about it and I'm sure as hell gonna keep working on it, but the fact that he's choosing to see one of my flaws positively is amazing to me.

He also told me about this night he spent with his guys. They went on a party bus to a couple clubs apparently. He didn't really have a good story about it. Rather he told me about it to let me know that while he was there he kept thinking about how he should have asked me to go along. Guys, I didn't remotely indicate that I wanted to go (totally would've), but apparently he wanted me there badly enough to think it. Very small gesture, but it does make me think that I'm not all alone in this being-in-to-each-other thing.

And that reminds me that in general whenever he's out and I'm not there, he usually makes a point of texting me or calling me to see what I'm up to, how I'm doing. It's the idea that he's thinking of me enough to reach out even while with big crowds of other people...that simply thrills me.

So basically I'm happy Party People. And I'm sick. Ideally only the latter will go away soon.

A change ahead for the Kendragon...maybe.

Here's the dealo yo. I've made a decision. Not sure if it's the right one yet. If any of you Party People out there have any guidance, please feel free to share.

Okay … I decided that even without talking to Roth and with no intentions to do so, I'm going to start making myself exclusive to him.

Ughhhh... and I'm nervous about it!


Here's why I wanna do it:

I really am thrilled that I'm seeing him again. All my crazy flair ups and his making big mistakes aside, he is by far the best guy I've ever dated. He's kind and caring, independent and confident, genuine and unique, romantic and charming, witty and engaging. Roth is pretty much amazing. More or less.

On the other end of the spectrum, I've only dated horridly bad guys besides Roth for the longest time now. There was one nice guy right before Roth came into the picture the first time around, but besides that I've had freaks and assholes.

For example, I saw a guy last week who was a huge pothead. Now I'm not a prude about the pot. I have no real problem with it at all in fact. What I do have a problem with is my date leaving me in a parking lot waiting for him to meet me for an hour and fifteen minutes (kept texting me saying 'five more minutes'…that's the only reason I stayed), then took me to a house party without me knowing that's where we were going, and proceed to disappear for two hours while he went to get high with his friends. Now his other friends were great and I had fun, but the entire time all I could think was, "Wow … Roth is amazing. Why am I wasting my time here with him?"

Hence the decision. I have a good guy in my life. A really good guy. And although I've been enjoying seeing other people to both take the pressure off dating Roth (by pressure, I mean making myself crazy with unreasonable questions) and figure out what I want from a significant other, I think if I want anything real to even potentially happen with him, I need to take this step. For me.

Here's why I don't wanna talk to him about this:

I scared the puppy once. Inadvertently yes, but nonetheless I did. And he ran away. It took three months to get back to a place where I wasn't hurt and he wasn't freaked out anymore. If I tell him, "Hey Roth. I know you always used to tell me that you want to keep things going slow when we first dated, but now that we're going for another round I want you to be something more much faster. Sounds good, right? Great!", we're gonna get another yelping flee from me. And I don't want that.

On top of that, this is a decision for myself more than anything else. This is for my own comfort and need to express some form of commitment to a man I truly relish having back in my life.

Here's why I'm very nervous about this decision:

What if this is a retarded move? What if he freaks out again for no reason? What if he hurts me again, and this time after I've invested some real emotion in it? What if I pass up a potentially great guy for someone I have no actual ties to? What if this is inherently setting myself up for additional heartbreak?

Sigh...I don't know. But after taking a couple days to think about it, I think it's the right move.

Also, last night he made a point of telling me how happy he is that I'm in his life again, and apologizing for little things. Like not calling me every night (had to reiterate to him that that isn't vitally important...but him saying the words was awesome) and the fact that I couldn't see him last week cause he got sick (which he's apologized for tons of times already, and this time it was amid him apologizing for clearing his throat. he's so adorable I can't stand it!).

Moves like that make me think that maybe, just maybe, he cares about me fairly deeply too. And I keep coming back to the notion that this dude fought for me. He came back after me screaming at him two times. There's no way in hell that he doesn't have some form of real emotion for me if he didn't give up after my full bitchitude came down on him.

So...to wrap up this lengthy diatribe...what do you all think? Good move? Too Soon? Silly? Full on stupid? Let me know!

Feeling better through existential ramblings

So here are two things that have made me feel better. One is basic. One, me thinks, is trippy.

Okay the quick one – got hit on by my waiter at lunch. When Roth is stonewalling me and I don’t know why, this is a great way to take the significance off the silence.

Now the trippy weirdness.

I’ve been listening to back episodes of RadioLab at work lately. Today I’m listening to an episode about Time that discusses the concept that time is not linear, but rather that every moment of my life, your life, and indeed all lives that have or will exist occur simultaneously.

Dudes, I love this.

It makes me call back to two of my favorite concepts of time and fate by two of my favorite fiction authors.

The first is from Kurt Vonnegut. Tralfamadorians guys. Nuff said. Right? No? Okay quick break down. Tralfamadorians believed in this very concept. They were aliens that were featured in several novels of Vonegut’s, but they spoke to the main character of ‘Slaughterhouse Five’. Here they told him about how they know and see all that was, is, and will be. And they found this comforting. In response to death they simply state, “so it goes.”, because they know that in reality the being hasn’t ceased to exist since he continues in all the moments that made up his life.

I adore the concept. Seeing the insignificance of the artificial importance we put on things takes so much of the pressure of existence off my shoulders, and makes me feel like maybe I’m not ruining my life. Maybe this is just what my life is meant to be, and something that I can’t and therefore shouldn’t fight.

The second is from Neil Gaiman. In the ninth book of the ‘Sandman’ series called ‘The Kindly Ones’ the oldest of the Endless named Destiny wonders around his garden. He soon sees several versions of himself walking down many paths. One by one, as events unfold that will determine the fate of a vitally important character, the multitude of Destiny’s join until they finally walk one singular path.

I find this to be the most eloquent manifestation of my notion of fate and freewill ever created. By far. See, I’m a fate-ist. I believe that our paths are determined and we’re walking them. But I also think that we have enough free will to determine how we will get there. For instance, I was destined to work my current job. I have no doubt of this. But the timing and circumstances that led to it were my choice alone. I think the image and idea of Destiny dividing only to rejoin illustrates this fluidly and beautifully. Whether that was what Gaiman meant by it or not I’m not 100% positive, but I would like to think it is.

Anywhosel. I find this all very good for putting things into perspective. On a day like today where I’m unable to get outside of my head over something silly like the Roth paranoia, feeling like this too is part of the plan and nothing that I can distinctly control is oddly comforting. I don’t feel like I’m going to fuck it up. I don’t wonder about what I did wrong in crazy hypothetical land nearly as often. I simply feel better.

So thank you random philosophical concept in a radio show! Thank you for making me feel less crazy by talking about nutty weirdness!




Oh…and Roth called. We’re good. I was being crazy and I realized it without having to let on to him that I had been going nutballs. Hooray!

He's not losing...he's getting MAD.

Can't keep Crazy down apparently. He's super tough. He'll rise again.

So here's a quick glimpse in to my nutty, nutty thoughts. If you think this is irksome or strange, just imaging living it peeps.

All I can think about right now is that I'm over-bearing. I'm worried that I reach out to Roth too much and that it's driving him away. I text and call cause I love talking to him (totally cheers me up on bad days, and makes good ones better), but he doesn't really respond much lately.

Probably he's just been busy. Probably I'm being retarded again. Probably I'm freaking myself out for no reason whatsoever. Ugh...but I can't shut the thought out.

I hate hate hate over-bearing chicks. The ones that can't let someone lead their separate life without sticking their nose in it. The ones that debase themselves by begging for attention. The idea that I'm being that is killing me.

What I really can't figure out, though, is am I upset that I'm feeling this way cause Crazy (I'm making him formal now Party People. And I've decided Crazy's a dude) is messing with me again, or am I afraid that once again Roth has decided that he doesn't want to be with me, and it's manifesting in this paranoia?

What if I've made a huge mistake? What if everyone's been right to warn me about starting up with him again? What if this is just stupid remnants of feeling rejected throughout my life til now creeping up at me? What if I'm totally wrong about this and I'm just setting myself up to sabotage a good thing?

Cause we all know how much Crazy loves to make me do that.

Or perhaps it's a bit of all the questions. And that's what sucks right now.

Stupid Crazy. Just stay down, will ya? Please?

Girliest post ever, ever

Two things made me wicked happy this weekend. And by that I mean totally blushing and smiling like a moron, feeling more girlie then I have in a while. Both happen to be either directly or by proxy because of Roth. So fellas…proceed with caution. I’m gonna become uber feminine.

1) I got together with Roth this weekend and while we were walking to dinner, he told me that he had been meaning to say something to me. He wanted to let me know that he thought I should teach something - a class on how to be feminine in the modern world. He elaborated and told me that not only do I conduct myself like a lady and look amazing every time he sees me, but I also am confident in my femininity, and he thinks other chicks would benefit from me showing them how to be that way.

I freaking love that guys. I went from being an insecure quasi-tomboy in high school to apparently being a girl that should educate others on how to be a woman in 2009. This is such a 180 from where I once was. I’m so happy about it. So…awesome.

I could have tackled him right there, while walking in the snow, and smooched him all over for not only thinking that, but telling me it.

2) So on the way to dinner, Roth and I ran into a couple of his friends (he has great friends FYI). They invited us to hang out after dinner, which Roth insisted upon still going to. Which I adored. After we ate we met up with them for a birthday party. Everyone was chatting and getting along well. I decided that I would go over to the birthday girl’s side of the table to get to know her a little better (ya know…it was her birthday…should be about her). While we were talking she asked what was going on with Roth. I shrugged and said he was my questions mark since I wasn’t quite sure what we are right now.

About the time I said this, I noticed that Roth and one of his chick friends were clearly talking about me. You know, eyes darting from each other to me repeatedly, talking in a hushed manner. It didn’t bother me at all, until I noticed the chick gasp and cover her mouth. I couldn’t tell if it was a bad thing or not, so I more-or-less demanded to know what they were talking about.

Roth quickly said, “Nothing” and walked away. So it was clearly something. The chick leaned over and said, “We were talking about how Roth likes you, and more or less out of no where he said that you had the prettiest eyes he’s ever seen.”

Freaking awww!

The birthday girl then leaned in toward me and said the awesome quote, “Your question mark is an exclamation point!”.

Could have knocked me over with a feather guys. Ne’re has a guy been that sweet to me for absolutely no reason, much less twice in one evening.

I’m real happy with the way things are going with Roth, Party People. I’m still being cautious and I’m trying really hard to not read too much in to anything, either good or bad. But dudes…this is the kind of stuff that makes me giddy and silly. And I love it.

BANNED!

I'm trying something out. Or at least I will starting...nowish. I'm banning myself from things for a little bit.

By this I mean not allow myself to do the things that lead to pessimism and inevitably depression for me. If it's bad for my psyche ... BANNED.

Example: I'm watching Intervention right now and feel like I'm gonna cry. There's this dude in it who was stood up at a restaurant alone, and all I can think is how if that happened to me I would sob endlessly. It takes me back to high school and my whole rejection thing. That's no good for me. So why am I still watching it? I need to turn it off, and not watch this show for awhile. BANNED.

Another example: Roth (things are going pretty peachy by the by) has a blog. I check it fairly regularly to see what he's talking about in it. Topics cover various things but usually focus on rock music and motivational bits. Occasionally he writes about chicks he dated at one point or another.

Now, I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is things that he says from time to time in regards to the topic. Like in one of his recent posts where he reviews his 08, he states that the quantity of chicks he's dated in the past year had increased, but the quality went down. So he's trying to focus on finding better girls to date in 09.

Hmm. Now before I say anything else I just realized that I probably should find this comforting since he's the one who reached out to me again about a month ago (aka very close to 09), and that we've had a great date already this year. But...I don't know it just kind got to me. I mean dude...we dated for a couple months in 08. All I keep thinking is, 'Ouch.'

Now when I talk to him next I'm gonna have a hard time not being upset. Not because he at all insulted me (he's never talked about me in the blog at all), but because I am choosing to take it personally. I need to stop doing things like this. It only will lead to my upsetting myself, which will only lead to low periods. So... I need to cut out the catalyst. No checking his blog anymore. BANNED.

Last example ... for now: I compare myself to my co-workers way too much. This is a huge problem for me. Since I am by far my own worst critic, I need to keep myself positive. But since I'm still having a hard time completely wrapping my mind around this whole sales thing and I'm the newest to it, it's simply retarded to allow myself to weigh my performance to theirs. I won't match up to their achievements. Not yet at least. No good will come from me using their actions to evaluate my own. So the comparisons must somehow be BANNED.

Just not too sure how I'm gonna do that last one. Such a tempting thing to do, to weigh yourself against those close to you. But I have to figure out a way to block it out. Hmmm...

I think this will be nothing but helpful for me. It totally goes along with my whole not-wanting-to-give-into-negativity thing. Positive action this year, peeps. Positive.