Wonder...

I wonder. I wonder if my confidence is being undermined by my past, or by my fear of what could be my future.

See...I like to think of myself as a confidence person. Full of doubts and paranoia, yes...of course. Look to this blog for proof if you feel it necessary. But overall I think I have a certain level of comfort in who and what I am. I know what I look like, how I act, and how I think about my day-to-day existence ... and I'm comfortable with it. I think I'm a fun, loving person who is intelligent and humorous and has a lot of things going for her.

But those damn flairs of concern like to scream up all the time and make me wonder. Wonder if I have enough direction in my life. Wonder if I'm not quirky and unique but rather annoying and rude. Wonder if those very concerns are as evident to others as they are to myself, and if others think I'm weak because of it.

It's an interested state to be in; to know that I am a beautiful and good person while simultaneously questioning every action I take. Yes, yes, I know many of you will say that this is an oxymoron and that I'm deluding myself. But I don't think I am. I think it is possible to know that I am an interesting person who doesn't need to change anything, but to also be aware that I can benefit from some self-reflection.

However that self-reflection can take on a life of its own and destroy this delicate balancing act that is my confidence.

So now I venture into the "know your enemy" territory:

Why the fuck do I do this?

Is it because I spent most of my childhood years being mentally tormented by people and constantly being made to judge every action I was going to attempt before I make it? Is it due to watching my sister and mother fight almost every week and being made to feel like I had to walk on eggshells to ensure that I didn't fall into the fray too heavily? Or is that I've been rejected by so many people over the course of my 23 years that I've come to see it as the norm, and I don't feel comfortable unless something is in flux and therefore I sabotage everything?

Or possibly it could also be my dire terror that I will wake up at 35 (my scary age) and feel like I've made huge, unfixable mistakes in my life. See, while I'm not one to regret anything that I've done in my life since it's always at least been a learning point for me, I do hugely lament decisions I've made. What I fear more than anything right now is that I will come to have a flawed existence, and will be unable to make it worthwhile at the point that I will realize the error of my ways. So to save myself from that fate, I constantly question my actions, and little by little chip away at my confidence.

It still exists people. The confidence is an ionic column in my life. However it's being chipped away by doubt and worn by worry. I'm beginning to fret that it will lose it's integrity soon and the roof will quickly and harshly collapse. So I need to erect some support beams and fast so I can repair that damage.

But first I need to remove those influences. As completely as possible.

And once again I ask in this blog, how the fuck do I do that?

Random campfire stories for the cowboys

So I had a blandly fantastic weekend. I did so very little, but it was utterly wonderful. Mostly because it provided me with a lot of time to think that I haven't been able to have lately. And in light of my promise to try to update this more often, I shall now share my joyness with you.

So come, Lucky Readers, gather round the campfire and let me spin you the yarn of Kendragon and the Weekend of Leisure. Listen to the gui-tar being plucked by Jimmy the two-toothed old timer and nestle down on your hunk of log while I take you back to three days ago...

Basically I was at my boss' house again this weekend watching the adorable pup. So I was provided with ample amounts of time to do very little and actually enjoy my Labor Day Weekend.

Score.

However I did have to work two days at the crappy job. One happened to be with one of my favorite interns which was wonderful, but the other I was stuck alone at a booth for four hours. If it hadn't been for the kindness of those at the booths near me taking pity and coming to keep me company and bringing me hotdogs from their cookout I surely would have perished.

Pause for the dramatic chord being played old-movie style.

But the lonely period gave me more than enough time to think about the things that I need to do to make my life better. See, again I'm happy right now, but I also am very aware of the fact that I can very easily ruin it by falling into old patterns. Guys, I literally made a list of all the positive traits I could think of about myself. Why you ask? Because I figure if I can remember those and remember why I am a good person then maybe I won't continue to try to convince myself that I'm not deserving of good things and people (ahem...Roth).

See, cause if I don't do that then I have nights like last night where I randomly find myself sobbing (could have had to do with the fact that I had watched two episodes of Intervention back-to-back...love the show but man can it be a bummer) for no reason whatsoever. It's super fun folks, try it some time.

But here's the good bit about that crazy session I had - I was able to control myself this time. And the last few of these similar things that have popped up over the past couple months. I reached out to a friend and talked through it...or at least tried to as much as I could. I was able to detach myself from the frame of mind and move on. And then I was in a good enough mood to go to bed and get a good night sleep.

Now the good talk with Roth right before bed didn't hurt anything either. I really dig him guys. Oh! And he totally took me out on a sweet little date to an Italian restaurant this weekend that was amazingly chill in it's simplicity. Sigh. I find him awesome.

Anyway...

So in light of the more-or-less fruitful weekend of late, this week is going to serve as the recommencing of my attempts at self-improvement. It will begin the way it began before: a rededication to my fitness plan and proper diet, and at least thirty minutes a day meditating on what I can do to continue moving in this positive path and ceasing the happiness sabotage.

I'll be sure to update Cowboys. Now go on and hit the trail. Go on. Git!

Stop it. Just stop it already. Really. STOP. STOP!!!

Had an epiphany on the way into work this morning people. Almost got into an accident thinking about it actually. Ready for this?

I SABOTAGE MY HAPPINESS.

I find the one negative thing...or hell the one possibility of a negative thing... and I let it eat at me. And here's the real problem with that...I'm smart enough to convince myself that I'm right. I use my reasoning skills to convince myself that my crazy is not only accurate but totally logical.

Example:

When I was still living with awesome roommate C broke my heart. She was amazing and wonderful and let me cry on her shoulder day after day after day. And then one morning I woke up and decided that no one wanted to hear about my heartache anymore. Just boom, decided it. Had no logic behind it. No rhyme or reason.

So not necessarily the most harmful thing in the world, right? Oh no...I had to make it destructive. I pretty much convinced myself that it was completely true and decided that I needed to stop talking about my pain to everyone. Not just her, but also my family and other concerned friends. I retreated into myself and only when forced or became so distressed that I couldn't keep it in anymore did I actually converse about my pain. But then after I would vent I would beat myself up over it and feel like everyone hated me.

This culminated when one night she came in with her then boy and although they were doing nothing at all off putting or strange their very happiness together drove me to being so upset that I instantly threw on clothes, went to the bar down the street, and drank for hours alone. I staggered home drunk crying and stood in my front entry way sobbing and brushing away tears hoping that no one, not even strangers passing by, would notice me hurting. Ya know...cause they didn't want to see that either. All because I convinced myself that my heartache riddled thoughts were not the pain induced thoughts of a then undiagnosed crazy person, but rather a logical, just notion that should dictate my actions.

Smart, no?

Oh...no you say.

Hmmm...

So why do I bring this up now? Well...cause Roth, the guy I dared to mention yesterday in the-blog-that-curses-all-the-relationships-I-bring-up-on-here ... well I found something out last night about him. And even though i know it is perfectly innocent and doesn't change a damn thing about him, my crazy is convincing me that it means bad things.

Now I'm questioning all the great things about him. His kind and giving nature, the fact that he thinks I'm gorgeous, his declaration that that he is looking for a soccer mom and wants nothing more than to find the person he loves deeply so that he can start a family with that person and grow old with her (paraphrasing Roth, but nearly quoting), the way he looks at me with admiration and care....well all those are totally moot points now. Why?

BECAUSE I APPARENTLY DON'T WANNA BE HAPPY!

No, no, Kendragon... ignore the good. Take this one thing, blow it out of proportion in your crazy head and ruin yet another good thing in your life. Go on. It'll be fun! It always is.

I mean fuck! I already fell into having to tell Roth about my exact crazy stuff, and he was amazing about it. We were talking and he said he wouldn't be going anywhere (awww), and all I could think was "They all do eventually" (rejection fears are awesome, what with the ruining sweet moments), and he could tell I was upset. He wouldn't let me not tell him about it, which I loved. He then sat there, grasping my hand and eventually holding me without holding me (arm resting on my leg and looking at me...so sweet) and listened intently as i told him everything. And I mean everything. He not only didn't judge me at all, he responded with understanding, kindness, affection, and gratitude that I would open up.

You literally cannot get a more perfect response to that situation. And now I'm gonna ignore that over some stupid shit that came to my attention? Why?

Hopefully I'll be able to reason my way through this. Hopefully I'll be able to remember that so far he has shown me literally not one bad quality. Hopefully I'll remember that Roth calls me at least twice a day and has since the day we met and that he's called me just to hear my voice already. Hopefully I'll remember that he has told me that he already finds my presence to be a comfort. Hopefully I'll remember that is just feels good to look at him and he clearly feels the same way about me. Hopefully I won't fuck up my joy yet again.

Hopefully.

Wait...I have readers?

Apparently I don't update this enough. Apparently there are actually people who look to this for updates quasi-regularly and are disappointed to not find them.

Who knew?

So I'm gonna try try try Guster style to update this more often then once every couple weeks. Woo hoo!

Alright. Update!

In the work department I've decided that I really do need to think about my options. This kills me folks. I love my co-workers and I really hate the idea of not seeing them everyday/ having new co-workers who might be assholes. But let's face it: I was pushed into a sales position I don't like, out of an admin position I did, because they informed me that I will never be paid what I know I am worth for the work I know I'm amazing at. So now I'm stuck with a position that I'm decent at but I don't ever think I'll be stellar at, and a sinking feeling that this just isn't it for me every day that I drive into work. I need to start looking for work again which stinks, but I think it's gonna be for the best. I'm just bummed about how this company has played out.

In the family department ...well my family is adorable. My sister and her husband (aww!) are real happy right now, my mom and her man are doing better than they have for awhile, and my dad and his lady are just too adorable to be a real couple. So basically if money wasn't an issue at all we would pretty much have the most wonderful Rockwell version of my family possible right now.

In terms of my love life, the two guys I was juggling are...well no more. The one has dropped off the face of the earth (and with his being ten years older than me and having two kids I'm not sure I'm upset about it...at all...in fact I think I'm kinda glad the situation resolved itself), and the other one found out some stuff and decided that he didn't want to be with me which I took like an adult since it was my fault. So those are done.

But dudes...I totally don't give a fuck.

I kinda sorta found a guy that I am shocked how quickly I feel strongly for. I've liked the other guys that I've seen lately peeps. I've really enjoyed their company and have lamented when things have ended. But this one is just...sigh. I find him adorable and amazingly hot and I really dig his sense of humor. He's intelligent and caring and the most genuinely sweet person I've ever met. I mean if I wasn't fairly certain that he meant all the wonderful things he says to me than I would find him to be the most corny person I've ever met. And what's even better, I already felt comfortable enough with him to tell him that, and when I did he laughed and took it as a compliment.

Guys...he gets me. So few males get me. Amazing.

So I'm enjoying this young but exciting beginning of a relationship with...hmmm...let's call him Roth (mostly cause I know he would dig that), I'm not loving my work situation but I'm gonna become proactive about it, and my family is actually doing well. Besides the fact that my friend situation is still a bit odd due to me realizing when I hung out with one of them this weekend that I feel like I've completely outgrown the group and I actually find them irritating now, everything is going swimmingly for me. Excelsior!

Now let's hope this persists.

Maybe I don't need to share this...maybe y'all already know.

So I'm pretty sure I'm boring. Yep. Dullsville. Bland-o-rama. Boring....ing.

See - even my final example of my boringness is boring.

Blah.

I'm sitting her thinking about this, and I can't think of one thing about me that is engaging and interesting.

Oh there were things earlier. I was going to school, living in a cool city, learning interesting things, meeting interesting people, experiencing fun fun fun activities.

But then I moved. Bad call evidently. Cause now I live with my parents (ugh), work a job that is repetitious as hell and while it sounds interesting is actually quite dull on a day-to-day basis, work another job that is mindless more or less, and...that's about it.

I no longer hang out with most of my friends from out here cause I'm tired of their drama. But that means that I don't have the fun experiences with them either. I don't do concerts anymore really, and I don't have time for movies (my real love) save those I watch at home on my bed. I date, yes, but only briefly cause either I pick alot of bad guys or I have a big personality flaw that I just don't see and they stop being interested in me. I have a wide variety of interests which is great in theory, but it means that I don't have anything in particular that I can contribute to in terms of relationships.

So basically this is how I sum up a standard week for the Kendragon. Wake up, get ready for work, go to work, do work, come home, watch movie, go to sleep, repeat until weekend without variance, wake up go to bad job, come home, do yardwork/housework, listen to parents fight, go to sleep, repeat previous day.

Fun huh?

Oh! I do know one thing about me that is crazy interesting: I'm still battling with my crazy. It's like herpes - it pops up randomly when I think it's gone completely then ruins a week or so of my life. That's ... unique. Right?

Got one thing making my different. Woo hoo.

So I gotta figure out a way to make this better for me. I need to find a new hobby...outside of my house...that means I'm doing something active and meeting people. Yea! Just need to get some damn time and money to do that. And since I need both jobs to get the latter that means that I have little of the former so...guess that's not happening soon.

Fuck.

Her wedding soooo ain't gonna look like this.

I'm happier today Lucky Readers. Here's why:

1) My sister's getting married in two days. I'm leaving in about eight hours to be in St. Louis with her for it. I love her obviously, I think he's an amazing fit for her, and his three kids from a previous marriage will now simply be my neices, and I'm thrilled about that. I could not be happier for her.

2) The one dude I really dig that I thought was no longer interested called me and we had a fun flirty conversation and I remembered why I like him so much and I got real super happy about it like a total girl but fuck it he's cute and kind and smart so...hooray!

3) I've been closing contracts at work. Not much money but I'm building up momentum. This will hopefully lead to being paid in gold dabloons and rubies. I shall bathe in them Lucky Readers.

and 4) I was able to logically think through this recent very short bout of depression. I'm getting better able to handle them all the time people, and this above all else is thrilling.

So ... fantastic-ness!

Now I'm off to a plane. Let's hope it stays aloft and this good mood doesn't get smashed to pieces when my plane plummets out of the sky.

So my doctor's would've been proud of me but I find this of little comfort

So I think I figured it out. I think I know what I need to not randomly get down any more.

Oh, I'm really low lately by the way. I feel pretty bad about who I am and actions I've been taking lately and I truly doubt my worth again. It feels just super.

I know enough from my previous time with doctors to know how prevailingly silly that is. And knowing that and ways to cope with it can only be beneficial ... this I understand. But that doesn't mean that I don't still find things about myself that I still can't control despite trying to be better and more conscience of my actions to be wholly depressing.

Actually...probably makes it worse.

Anywhosel. I think I've kinda figured out what it is that i need to make myself finally feel like i am actually worthy of good things in this world and able to accept the notion that i am not a horrible person and that I will indeed be happy some day.

I need to feel like I am truly, unequivocally important to someone.

Anyone.

Let me explain. As you Lucky Readers have surely heard too many times, I am more than aware that my big issue (the one that triggers all my crazy) is the idea and/or act of rejection. I'm not gonna rehash that, but basically I am cognizant that that is the root of my issues.

So how to find some sort of resolution to that?

Well I think I got it. I need to be valued. I need someone in this world to think that my very existence is so vital to them that the thought of me not being happy, healthy, or present (as a key figure in their life consistently) is enough to cause them distress.

Geez that sounds more horrible than I mean it. I don't want to be the cause for anyone's pain. Never ever would I want that. Rather I want to be the cause of someone's ... well anything ... joy, contentment, pleasure, humor ... to the extent that the thought of that not being around would be too difficult to bear.

I think this has become such an important idea to me because as I'm sitting here writing this I'm juggling a couple guys. I should be happy right? I mean they both know that I'm seeing other people and there's no real commitment, so I should be thrilled that I'm being young and enjoying my life.

But no. I'm sitting here feeling horrible. Mostly cause I've done a couple stupid things in terms of interactions with the one fella, and the other one has pretty much stopped communicating and I can't figure out why. And of course this feels like rejection which sucks. But what bothers me more is I think the only reason why I am so upset is because I'm pretty sure that if I felt like even one person in this world felt like I was truly important to them I wouldn't be this conflicted by it. It would suck, yes, but I would be able to feel more comfortable if that strong form of acceptance from another existed for me.

So now the tougher question - how do I find that?

Well start off loving yourself, right? And do important things with my time so that I can feel important to myself? Yea, yea...I try to do that whenever possible. And the whole loving myself part...well I'm working on it.

But how long is it gonna take for me to get that from anyone? And more pressing, what do I do to make sure that I don't only think I am that important to someone by projecting this need onto someone falsely? And how do I make sure that I won't lose it once I find it?

These are the questions that I cannot fathom the answers to people. And that's utterly depressing to me. But since I'm already down we may as well have the state of being compounded, right? Joy.