I'm either a responsible adult, or evil ... I can't decide which it is.

I've discovered a new aspect of adulthood that sucks: having the maturity to do what's best for you.

Or at least I'm calling it maturity, since I need to find a positive way of looking at this situation before I let it make me feel like a bad person and thereby let the crazy back in. And I don't want that. It has been successfully exiled for about four months now and I'm not looking to break that streak.

I very recently (as in over the last couple hours) have decided to let two of my very close friendships rest for a bit. And the decision is coming with a ton of internal arguments.

I guess I'm not all that worried about the first friendship. Without going into too many details I realized that this person has been my confidant under...let's call them false assumptions. When he realized that I had in fact not been kidding every time that I have corrected the fallacy, he decided to end the charade. Which I guess I can respect, despite my high levels of surprise, frustration, and disappointment. But now I'm feeling a bit hurt by the fact that once again I am so easy to leave behind.

As I've discussed here before, I hate the fact that I am more or less disposable in most people's lives. My family, Neat, and Awesome Roommate are the only people that I think truly would never be able to fully have me out of their life. And while that is fantastic, it's upsetting to me that so many other people that I give my time, energy, and genuine affection to find it so meaningless that they can toss it aside at the drop of a hat.

Which brings me to the second friendship I'm putting on the side. Although here I feel like I'm doing the throwing.

The friendship with this individual has been rough going, but has rather recently reached a pleasant and I feel healthy level. Again sparing details, I've had to do a lot of soul searching while cultivating this friendship, and I feel like I've really grown in the process and because of the choice to have this individual be an active part of my life.

But now this person has made it difficult, through no direct effort on his part. I'll keep the nature of this to myself, but basically this is not the first time actions or a lack of forethought on this person's part have strained our friendship. Over the past few months it's become increasingly difficult to watch these issues unfold. It has become too hard to watch someone so important and valuable to me hurt himself repeatedly, especially when I know their is nothing I can do to help him.

How do I know? Cause I've tried everything I can think of. Sometimes multiple times.

It's been too hard, Lucky Readers, and I have spent hours asking myself what the best thing to do would be. Sadly, I ultimately came to my decision to take some time away from the friendship, and I told this person tonight. He handled it well, being very understanding, which only made it harder.

The worst part is now I am one of those people I've been hurt by. I'm officially moving away from people I care about and (at least for one of them) truly and deeply cares about me. It feels awful. I guess it's a bit different since I'm doing it for a real reason and communicating it, but I know that's only making my guilt worse.

But right now I have to do what's best for me. As selfish as it seems, this time in my life has to be about making a solid foundation for myself. And if my deepest part of my gut is telling me that this is how to do it, then I have to.

It doesn't make it easy. No part of me thought it would ever be enjoyable. Maybe one day these friendships can be renewed and made stronger by this. But regardless of whether that occurs, right now this is what I need. And the adult I'm trying to be knows that that has to trump all.

I just hope they'll be okay without me... so that one of us can be.

I'm a Nerd Magnet who loves her job. I'm what every little girl dreams of being...

My office kicks ass.

It's been about a month since I started my awesome job (hooray!) and I feel like I have enough perspective now to judge this. Now I can say definitively that it is great for me, and I'm truly happy with how events have played out on the job front for me.

Cool, ain't it? So cool, I feel the need to make a list.


I adore my office for all the following reasons:
A Report By Kendragon
1. It's small (only seven of us right now), so the personnel issues you get with a bigger office aren't an issue.
2. The people are all radio people...meaning they have an entertainment industry mindset sans being overly dramatic, combined with a shoot-from-the-hip business mentality. AKA my kind of people.
3. Two of my bosses are married to each other and have kids together, so we get all national holidays off that school kids get. Woo hoo for no working on President's Day, am I right?
4. My one boss brings in yummy treats for us. Like giant frosted cookies for Valentine's Day. Yum!
5. The office is really laid back, meaning that we don't have to dress to impress (I do anyway) and as long as we get our work done no one has a problem with people having random conversations.
6. Everyone's just as cynical as I am and has the same taste in arts things as me...something I haven't been able to find thus far in Cleveland.
7. My most direct boss is an amazing lady. Not only does she have a Chihuahua named Toadie that I dog sit for, but when I go over to do that she doesn't get pissed when I channel Mighty Thor and destroy her house (see previous blog...and to update on that, she said it was no big deal and not to worry about it cause it was already broken...I'm freaking lucky, y'all.). She has taught me a huge amount and truly wants to see me succeed. She genuinely thanks me for everything I do which you would think would be irritating but is oddly refreshing. And finally, she brought me in a glass to keep at my desk after I mentioned that I liked using one when I was house sitting for her because she thought it was cute that I said it made me feel like I was drinking from a Mason Jar. She's fucking awesome.

Ya, my job's great. And I'm super fantastically pleased about it. Yay!!!

On a fairly unrelated note, I recently had an epiphany. I think I figured out why I ain't got no mans right now.

I'm a nerd magnet.

The only people that seem to be attracted to me instantaneously anymore are simply put huge dorks. I think this is because I'm a girl who's educated, knows all the same random pop culture they do (read as Family Guy/Simpsons/Futurama references, cult movie knowledge, and general cursory information about comics, comix, and graphic novels), has a crass, self-deprecating sense of humor with a twinge of a black streak, and by standard social definitions is above averagely attractive in a girl next door sense but to nerds is gorgeous since I'm probably the prettiest girl who's ever talked to them beyond general politeness.

Not that I dislike any part of me that attracts these fellas, who aren't bad guys by the by. It's just...I'm not at all attracted to how these kinds of guys stereotypically look. The kind of guys I like are one of two: 1) the lighter end of frat boy jocks, 2) the cleaned up, well dressed version of rock loving, jean wearing boys next door. Problem there...those guys are either huge assholes who I don't want to talk to me...ever (besides most of them like the "Oh my God! You're soooooooo cute! If you talk to me I'll be so impressed with your jockular quips that I'd be stupid to not sleep with you and I totally won't care if you never call me again just as long as when you come by for a booty call you praise me and pet me like the shaking, overly preened little poodle I am!" girls, which I am most definitely not...it works out well), or are so nice and kind that they have wonderful, gorgeous, kind girlfriends already and I'm SOL.

There have only been two times when the path between those who find me attractive and those who I find attractive have met in any real way. And both ended rather sadly but with friendships still in tact. Swell outcome I guess, but doesn't really do me much good.

So what's a girl to do? I'm a freaking catch but can't find someone to share my time with (all I'm asking for at this point, really). I'm smart, witty, attractive, and talented. I have a great job and great friends. I'm driven and have goals for my life that I'm working towards. I have so much going for me...

Oh wait, the only guys interested in that kind of girl are dorky nerdy nerds. Sigh.

Oh well. I love my job. It's fantastic. Guess that'll do for now.

Don't freeze Mighty Thor's doors shut!

Apparently I'm Mighty Thor.

I learned this because I broke a house today. And I figure the only character that can do that without being super ugly is Thor. I mean have you seen the man? Long luxurious locks of flowing blond hair and huge muscles. I'll take that over the Hulk (green), The Thing (bumpy due to rock formation), or Superman (asshole) any day.

Yes, yes. I smashed a bit of a house today. Only a bit, but none the less. And to top off the awesomeness, it was my boss' house.

Freaking winner. That's what I am.

You see, I've been dog/house sitting for my boss while she's been out of town for the past three days. Up until this morning everything was great. But last night the already bad weather turned south and there was freezing rain. Naturally, this would be one of only four or five days this past year that my car has been outside for bad winter weather. So of course my car doors froze shut. All four of them. Which I discovered this morning on my way out the door.

After four buckets of hot water my one door popped open. But by then I was already late for work. I kind of wasn't paying the best attention as I backed up and wound up hitting the corner of her house with my mirror. I cracked a piece of her siding about a foot and broke the bottom half of her gutter.

Yea. I'm big. I'm bad. I'm destructive. Get me mad (i.e. freezing my car doors shut), and I get even! For I am ... MIGHTY THOR!!!!!!

Or rather I feel like a jack ass and am not looking forward to telling her about it later. Of course I'm going to offer to pay for the damages which sucks in and of itself, but I'm also not looking forward to disappointing her.

Which to me says something. If I didn't like/respect her, I'd be upset but only about the money, more or less. But since I think she's a pretty chill lady, I'm freaking kicking myself. I just hope this doesn't make her think differently of me. That would...well suck. Hardcore.

So here's a lesson for you Lucky Readers:

When backing out of driveways, make sure you watch the most expensive thing around. Cause the minute you take your eyes off it, that's when you'll hit it. And although that will make you into a gorgeous superhero based off of mythology, it's not nearly as fun a manifestation to exist in as it sounds.

After all, superheros are tortured souls. As a rule.

This is why.

Six Word Memoir

While listening to NPR this morning at work, I heard about a book coming out based off a challenge given to Earnest Hemingway: write a story using six words. He came up with, "For Sale. Baby shoes. Never used."

Umm... awesome.

So these two editors decided to put forth a challenge to people to write their own personal story using just six words. The responses I heard were powerful, witty, and touching. And they made me think what my six word memoir would be.

So I wrote one.

Enjoy.



Spark nearly extinguished. Blowing on embers.

The superstitious side of me is knocking on wood...

I'm gonna do something that until rather recently has been unusual for me, Lucky Readers. Ya ready?

For once I can start out a post saying everything is going just plain peachy. Not fantastic and crazy woo hoo. Not sad and depressing and stagnant. Rather simply pleasant.

Isn't that freaking awesome?

I'm not Ms. Sad Sack being eaten alive by my crazy. I'm not stagnantly going through life unable to find a direction. Naturally I'm also not on cloud nine, or singing from the rooftop at dawn to greet the sun with equal amounts of brightness via my aura.

No no. I'm content. Let's say on cloud seven. And I think that's better than both other options to be frank. Cause the one is...well depressing. And the other is to good to be sustained, and the threat of it coming down is no good. Yea. I like my middle of the road contentment in comparison.

To break it down ...

I have a great job that I really like working with really down people where the only thing that could make it a touch better would be to earn a bit more money (but who doesn't say that?). I have great friends in two amazing cities who I truly value, and then I have enough well wishing acquaintances to make life interesting. I love my family deeply and I'm getting along great with all members.

On the more South side of the spectrum, I have a shit car that I feel like is going to blow up any day. I don't have a man to even see casually much less date. The perfect guy that I met the other day is so damn perfect that I'm afraid to even think about trying to talk to him about going on a date. I'm stuck working a crap second job because I want to have a bit of side cash for doing things with friends but I for the most part hate it (read as the people are great but the work is so repetitive and dull that I hate going to events). I'm still pretty much poor and by the end of the year I'll be doing good to have a wee little bit of savings.

But then again I have enough to start planning a great rest of my year. This includes going back to Vegas in May with Neat and two of my other girls, and getting pre-order tickets to a whole bunch of great concerts that range from Kenny Chesney to Tom Petty to moe. And probably the most randomly exciting thing is I'm going to FINALLY get to visit my beloved Chicago in a bout three weeks!!! I'll get to see awesome roommate!!! And Charlie!!! And my box office!!! And my puppy and kitten nephews!!!

JOY!!!!!!

Tee hee. It makes me happy.

Basically there's not so wonderful things occurring, but they 1) don't nearly compare with the previous badness I've chronicled here, and 2) pale in comparison to all the good news. So to sum up...it's going pleasantly well, Lucky Readers. Could be better. But that's okay. I'm cool with it.

And that's freaking great.



Oh...and a friend of mine also introduced me to superdickery.com that showcases the assholishness of Superman. Hence the photo for this post. LOVE IT!!!

I officially own my own little geometric shape. The welcome wagon left me a fruit basket yesterday.

So I'm about half way through my second week at work and I must say I love it!!!! I mean I seriously adore the position.

I love the people in the office, the type of work we do, and the way we do it. I felt comfortable, accepted, and at home within the second day and confident in my abilities by the end of the first week. I already can joke around with my coworkers/boss and we've all found several common interests - the coolest of which being a similar taste in film.

I even like my little cubicle. It has a window on one side that looks out on some trees (...and another company's loading dock, but I'll take it anyway) and I put up some pictures and have made it my little nook. Joy!

What's kind of rough though is they definitely are throwing me into the deep end, and I don't get the feeling that I'll be wadding in the kiddie pool any time soon. I mean by the end of the second day I was already being sent tasks by every member of the office (note, there are only seven of us total right now, but still...), being given several big projects by my boss, and being sent tons of emails everyday with information to keep our database up-to-date.

I mean...wow.

Not that I'm complaining. Much to the contrary I'm thrilled. I love that everyone feels confident enough in my abilities to trust me with so much work. Plus I've always said that i would rather be busy than bored, so it's all fitting with that theme.

And apparently I'm impressing my boss by being able to keep up with things as well as I have been. Yesterday she jokingly told me that it's all my fault that I've been getting so much work, because I've proven that I can handle it. I find that funny cause I don't really think I've been working all that hard. I guess I just can't help myself in the over reaching department.

Oh, and then there's the head guy who is very intense, but in a good way. On my first day he pulled me into his office to tell me that he, my boss, and the other important person who hired me were all really impressed by me during the marathon three hour interview and found me to be rather intelligent (great compliment), and that because of that they were expecting me to really learn our rather complicated database system as soon as possible so that I can figure out some ways to make it work more efficiently for us. Mind you, our IT guy hasn't been able to do this in about four years so.. no pressure.

And speaking of no pressure from my head guy, he also told me yesterday that if I can figure out how to customize the database for us I'll get a big bonus. You know why? Cause if I do I'll be keeping them from having to bring in a consultant from the company that made the database, since the company claims that it has to be done specially.

I don't know whether to be complimented by the fact that he thinks I am that damn good, or worried that he somehow thinks I'm capable of such silliness.

But I'll try for it. And try to get used to the mountain of work that I apparently am going to be getting every week. And keep working to the best of my abilities.

Cause I really like this job Lucky Readers. This fast, this strongly, I truly do.

So on my first day, do I take a shiny apple for the boss lady? Is that proper form?

So in a mere 33 hours guess what I start? It's super exciting!!!!!

I GOT A JOB!!!

'Bout damn time if you ask me. My first day is Monday and I am beyond relieved. I need the money and the ability to do something different with my days besides helping my mom around the house and looking for jobs. Seriously, that got old real fast.

The job is with a small but really chill company and its in the entertainment vein so that's exciting. And it's at he same desk every day, which after a couple of the job interviews I went on is a huge relief. I'm just super pumped and feeling like an adult without feeling old so I'm thrilled, thrilled, thrilled!

Oh! Oh! And don't forget, this job means that I can realistically think about going back to Vegas with Neat and getting out to Chicago finally to see everyone who I miss so, so very much, which are two of the most exciting thoughts ever! Hooray!!!!!!!

But what people say about dates and jobs is totally true; you need one to be offered one. I've gotten tons of semi-real calls/e-mails from legit companies, and the boss that I worked for most recently (ya know, the one who wants to hire me but just doesn't have the work) now wants me to do things for pay. It's great in theory, but enraging in the sense that I spent six months hoping and wishing and laboring for the chance to even get one of those, and now they come pouring in just days too late!

Grrr.

Still, I'm super pumped and can't wait for Monday. I just hope I don't embarrass myself or something. Not that I would, knock on wood. It's just how these kind of situations usually play out in my head. What can I say, I'm paranoid. Just part of the crazy I guess.

Anyway, wish me luck Lucky Readers! Hopefully I won't need too much of it...