Someday they're gonna name a disease after me...I just know it.

Do you know what the worst thing ever invented for me is? The internet. On a whim I can search anything I want. And I do. Readily.

But see, it's a dangerous thing to do so when you're kinda convinced that something bad has to be happening to you all the time. Cause then you take your random medical things and make it into much bigger deals.

Like i did last night.

I've been felling sick for about a week and I keep fluctuating between feeling normal and wanting to pass out. It's strange and I don't like it.

So I searched my symptoms last night - drowsiness, nausea, headache, etc. I wound up finding info about diabetes. Diabetes! Now I'm convinced that I have adult onset diabetes and that I'm gonna lose a foot. Fun.

Then this morning I started getting the same weird stomach problem I've been having off-and-on for about a year where i feel extremely nausea after i eat and get incredibly bad indigestion (which translates to PAINFUL burps for ten minutes straight. sounds funny but it really hurts). So I searched that. Now I find info about IBS and a couple other gastro diseases I've never heard of much less now how to pronounce. And I'm convinced I have those too.

I could go on like this people. I've convinced myself that I have herpes before because of canker sores (that was a fun week), which my doctor said probably came from stress (funny huh?), and I have a perpetual fear that a doctor is going to tell me that I have either breast cancer (runs in my family and i have large ladies...I think it's inevitable) or AIDS (totally irrational but I'm ALWAYS coming back to that in my head).

Why AIDS you ask? Because it's scary and incurable and I get sick frequently which is a symptom so of course my doomsday voice in my head tells me I must have it. Logical it is not, but nonetheless that's how my brain works.

So it's awful that I can look up my vague symptoms and find some link to a random crazy disease that I then worry about until my body stops being strange. And ironically its probably causing the additional amount of stress that lets my body get weak and ergo allows me to get sick. Stupid brain...

See, I need to stop letting this happen:

"Oh, I have a sore throat and itchy ears? I must have lupus! See! My random internet searching found one site on the fifth page of results that proves my theory so it's totally true!"

I'm batshit guys. And i need to not try to do self-diagnosis anymore cause it's making my paranoid...more so.

That or maybe it's the parasite I ingested through a tainted water supply that is making my thoughts all silly. Like, it must be eating at my brain and taking away all impulse control. Yea...that must be it! I'll prove it. To the internet!

...dammit.

Hedging My Bets

I'm trying y'all. I'm trying to stay super positive and happy with myself. I'm trying to constantly remind myself of the good I bring into the world instead of listening to the mean little voice that tells me about how worthless I am. So please, indulge me in this.

Deep breath now.





I am the following:

intelligent
witty
insightful
caring
attentive
aware
proud
articulate
loving
gentle
strong

I have the following talents:

writing
musical (singing and my viola)
artistic
knowledgeable of pop trivia
skilled at artistic analysis

There. Now maybe on shitty days I can come refer back to this and remember the good things about me. And maybe it can keep me positive and happy and aware of all the good I do for others.

At least that's the plan.

Just trying to be proactive people.

Thanks!



Oh and the list of things I hate about me is soooooo much longer. I could go on and on people. But as a rockstar goddess I need to learn to turn the mean voice off. Just...ya know...

Click.

I think my body is Tahiti for viruses.

Okay, this is gonna be sick person style update. Cause, ya know...cough.

Sniffle (brushes now permanently red nose with tissue that feels like bark from a dying tree)

Okay. Roth and I aren't seeing each other anymore. I'm bummed but really happy at the same time. Basically because I wound up taking the reigns and letting him know that I knew what he was thinking better than he did and I wasn't going to let him drag out the inevitable. I shall go into no more detail about the actual event, but basically I realized as much as I like him (and I did) and as cute as I thought he was (very) it didn't make up for the fact that I would have been alone in that, and I didn't want to waste anymore time feeling connected to someone who didn't feel the same thing.

I'm too cool for that. Even if my forehead says differently (puts thermometer in mouth, even though she's pretty sure it will heat up quickly and blow up cartoon style).

Er shhe ay... I lly adec....(takes thermometer out so that she can speak clearly)

(cough)

Sorry. What I was trying to say is...

Any way...I really appreciate the help people gave me during the Roth situation. It was amazing to see/hear so many people supporting me. Because even though I tend to forget it when I go low (again, so happy that didn't happen with this. I'm improving slowly but surely people) I do have some great people in my life who love me. So...thanks!

And besides the fact that i controlled my happiness for once, I'm also thrilled that I finally realized that I deserved better. i still don't know what the straw was that broke the camel's back, but I also don't think I care too much. Yes he was a good guy, but i think i was better. Even if only by a bit. I'm frankly a bit smarter than him, I know he found me attractive, he told me l was kind/generous to a fault many times, and I definitely brought all of myself to the table. So if he couldn't take that package of wonderfulness than his loss.

Someone some day will be happy to have me. Thrilled in fact. And I'll be happy as a clam and he'll love me and it will be the modern-day fairytale (cozy well-decorated house, lovely adventurous vacations, and either several lovely dogs or adorable, perfect, well-behaved children that never do anything wrong ever, ever) that I deserve.

And now I'm done talking about that. I'll move on (blows nose).

So besides that works been blah...very blah. Need to find a new one. Family is doing better...kinda. I still need to find some new hobbies but I'm working on it. Trying to stay on top of my health and fitness routine still.

Oh, and I've been SICK. AGAIN! Grrr...cursing...cough cough COUGH!

Dammit!

Believe or not, this is a positive realization. Honest.

First and foremost I have to say this:

I have amazing friends.

Whether they are listening to me drone on for hours at work about how 'crappy' my life is, staying on the phone for over an hour with me in the middle of the night making me feel better, or calling me up to just give me a "phone hug" they are amazing and I love them.

Booya.

Okay, now I feel the need to share an insight I came to last night.

I think I am officially the neediest person in the world.

Ever.

What's weird though, I totally am not bummed about this realization. Cool huh?

See, I was kind of wallowing in my unhappiness (luckily not lowness...I'm pretty pleased that I seem to be avoiding that) last night. Bitching to people on the phone, rehashing events of the past few days over and over in my head, waking my mom up so that I could complain to her a bit more ... I was executing every form of non-productive, whiny, self-indulgence.

And then it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, these are the actions of a needy, silly girl.

At that moment I realized that it's totally true. I am needy. Wicked needy. I need people in my life, and I need them to care about me. And since I'm constantly convincing myself that everyone is going to leave me and I'll die alone, I always feel a need to reach out to them ... or wonder why they aren't calling ... or ask myself over and over again what I did to offend particular people even if it isn't remotely the case.

So I truly do need, NEED the people in my life. To help me deal with my problems. To make me feel accepted. To repeatedly reassure me that I am not as awful as I make myself out to be in my head.

Call me sad, but it's true. And I'm owning it.

Now while this might not be the most positive thing to realize about myself, I think its oddly helpful. Cause the epiphany might just help me check my behavior a little more. Maybe it'll make it easier for me to not freak out on people for absolutely no reason just because I can't get out of my head after a needy streak has been sparked (cough, Roth...cough). Perhaps I'll be able to see the tendency to go beyond asking my friends for help all the way to asking them to pretty much hold me up, and in doing so I can stop it. Ideally, I'll be able to see my neediness in the process of it occurring, and I'll be able to make a concerted effort to change my mind frame so that I don't do it anymore.

See, Lucky Readers, I CAN see myself for who I really am. And I CAN not let it upset me. And I CAN use my flaws as a catalysis to improve me being. It is possible!

I knew it was just a matter of time. Excelsior!

Urban Renewal (it's a pun ... get it?)

I always find it fascinating how music touches me.

I'm not talking in the 'Oh that sounded beautiful!' sense, or the 'Damn they can play!' sense. Although those are important, that's not what's on my mind.

No, no. I mean in the sense of 'Huh, it's fitting that that song just popped on the radio,' fittingness. It's like some unseen hand likes to turn the dial to tunes that mesh perfectly with the events of my life.

And it's creepy.

With all the not-so-perfect stuff happening with Roth (boo...wicked boo) I've been kinda bumming the past few days. Not so much that I'm getting low over it, but enough to make me not want to do much and sleep alot.

But doing nothing isn't an option on Monday mornings, so when I went to head off to work and got into my car this morning I was already kinda down in the mouth about what my day was gonna hold. Then, before I got my iPod plugged into my radio (favorite feature of the new car, by the by) the country tune "You'll Think of Me" by Keith Urban popped on.

Now, Lucky Readers, I love me some country. But when you aren't exactly thrilled with something happening in your life it's not the best choice of tunage, what with the heartbreak and sorrow prevalent in the genre.

However, this morning it seems to have been a boon. For my non-country-fan readers, let me share a couple of the lines from it and you'll see why I say this.

Take your records take your freedom

Take your memories I don't need em

Take your space and take your reason

But you'll think of me

Take your cat but leave my sweater

Cause we have nothing left to weather

In fact I'll feel a whole lot better

But you'll think of me

And the next two are particularly good for me right now:

It seems the only blessing I have left to remain

Is not know what we could've been

Or what we should've been

While your sleeping with your pride

Wishing I could hold you tight

I'll be over you and on with my life

Now yes, this song is far too dramatic for the situation I'm in, but this is actually very comforting to me. I'm pretty sure that I'm awesome, and even if I had a strange moment it wasn't anything compared to my fabulousness. So if Roth is really gonna let one less-than-wonderful moment scare him off, then I need to realize that it's his loss.

See, nearly every guy I've come back into contact with after they've stopped seeing me for whatever reason has told me that at some point they've kicked themselves over their action. That must mean something good about me, right? I mean, there must be something redeemable about me that makes up for my silliness.

So thank you random country song! Thank you for creepily playing a song perfect for my mind-frame today, and simultaneously helping me to feel better about myself in a less than idyllic situation!

But the situation still sucks. Sucks hardcore. Bleck!

This is such a whiny post, but I'm upset.

Trying super hard to not over-react right now.

I had a not-so-great date with Roth and it's bumming me out super hardcore.

Mostly cause it's my crazy that made it bad.

Basically I let something he said that didn't even upset me get my wheels turning too much. I started to get depressed about it and couldn't hide it. Then he started questioning me on why I was clearly upset and I couldn't keep the crazy from spilling out of my mouth.

It wasn't an argument, a fight, or anything like that. I think it's part of what made it so awful. it was just...not talking flecked with odd statements from me.

Long story short, he became uncomfortable, and we left what should have been good times early. He barely spoke to me as we drove back, and it was only after I told him he was making me physically uncomfortable with the silence that he told me it was because of some of the stuff I said.

Now he hasn't called. And this after I left a message apologizing. So I think I fucked up too big.

What upsets me most about this isn't the fact that I already might be done with seeing a guy i really dig (which is a bummer ... hugely), but that I truly can't control my actions. During the whole non-fight uncomfortableness I knew I was screwing up. I knew I was being silly and I couldn't stop it. Again.

My god this is redonkulous now. I need to find a way to not do this shit anymore. But i also need to find someone who can deal with it. Cause all I want is for someone who sees the good in me to not be scared away by this shit.

And he sees me. Even in the midst of my silliness he told me twice that he "Would change a single thing about me." And i don't think it was just a line. I think he meant it. So I know he digs me on some level.

But...then why no response to my voicemail? Why no call? Oh...because I'm nutballs.

Hopefully I'm over-reacting. That's probably the case. But dammit i wish this thought process didn't even need to occur.

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

It's an update - 1950's news flash style!

Kendragon Chronicles World Update - Bringing the world of delightfully neurotic creatures to your door.

Dateline: Cleveland, OH.

Kendragon is still incredibly busy all the time but is happy with her current state of affairs.

Flash!

Cellular devices have recently stopped working all together! Rest assured, though, new hardware has been obtained to ensure phone usage for another day. Panic and looting was avoided.

In news of recent deaths, while on a road trip the Kendragon mobile ran through an entire community of insects. The souls of a thousand insects now rest on the windshield and hood. Their spirits seem to enjoy their resting place, though, as they are reluctant to leave the area. Exorcism by water is planned for later today.

Employment rates have remained steady. The job market remains unpleasant and unable to hire new talent, yet with the unemployment rates as low as they are Kendragons are able to sustain their current lifestyle with little trouble. In related news, workplace happiness among Kendragons has decreased recently.

Now to our on site reporter Chance McMurphy. Chance!

McMurphy here at the gym. Recent activity here shows that Kendragons are returning to their old patterns of exercise and fitness. Reports indicate that the previous level of activity, while effective at maintaining weight, had been insufficient to reduce girth further. This renaissance of swimming and increased cardio activity is expected to positively impact the physical appearance of these joyous creatures. Back to you at the studios.

In celebrity news, Kendragon has further enjoyed the company of new beau Roth recently. This fun loving couple has been spotted painting the town red at dance halls and speak easies across the region. Kendragon's gams have been put to work on the dance floors with Roth several times over recent weeks, surely impressing the attractive young gentleman. Are signs of interest becoming sparks of romance? Only time will tell. But at this rate this dynamic new pair will take the city by storm while we wait for an answer!

That's all for the Kendragon Chronicles World Update. Be sure to take care of yourselves in this crazy, cockamamie world of ours.

Goodnight.

But Dr. McNamara....dreams about you are supposed to be hot and sexy...

You know what's fun? Realizing that your subconscious is attempting to destroy you.

In light of my post yesterday, I thought you Lucky Readers might find this little story funny.

I was woken up by a bad dream this morning. Or not bad...strange. Like the kind of "What the Fuck?" dreams I had while I was still on meds before I got used to them. In this dream, I was being sat down and talked to by Dr. McNamara from Nip/Tuck as if we were long time friends. Except he wasn't that character...just a friend that looked and sounded like him, as dreams are want to make people out to be. He put his arm around me and said "Kendragon, we need to talk. It's about Matty." I inquired who Matty is, and he tells me it's my co-worker who totally doesn't go by that name. "He's ... having some issues with you." The good doctor then proceeded to tell me in exact detail why not only 'Matty' but everyone else in my life is unhappy with me. And just before I woke up he hugged me and said, "Just thought you should know."

How's that for an unpleasant way to be roused from sleep? Hey! Everyone hates me! ... or at least my mind thinks so.

Surprise surprise.

This is so incredibly disturbing folks, I can't even begin to describe my disappointment. Apparently no matter how hard I try to make myself more stable and content in my own skin, some creepy demented evil version of Jiminy Cricket is going to be sitting in the back of my head undermining every positive attempt I make. In my mind he looks all demented but still Cheshire Cat-esque ... cause of course I have to make him scary but appealing to my artistic senses.

But I refuse to think that this makes me destined to fail at my recent re-dedication, friends. Dammit I'm gonna cage that fiend if it kills me. I refuse to let it hinder my happiness from afar any longer. I'm going to use my logic to fix this.

For instance, I'm going to remember that dreams like this came about when I was on my meds, so this probably has something to do with the fact that I was recently put on the pill and the chemicals in me are all in flux right now. And I'm going to tell myself that if these facts were true, I wouldn't have the good people in my life that I do have (enter Awesome Former Roomie and her Awesome Utah-residing friend). And I'm definitely going to constantly reiterate to myself that this is just a mind-over-matter moment, and ultimately I am in control of this situation.

So ... that should learn my doubt monster!

But dude...doesn't that dream SUCKKKKKKKK!??!?!

Wonder...

I wonder. I wonder if my confidence is being undermined by my past, or by my fear of what could be my future.

See...I like to think of myself as a confidence person. Full of doubts and paranoia, yes...of course. Look to this blog for proof if you feel it necessary. But overall I think I have a certain level of comfort in who and what I am. I know what I look like, how I act, and how I think about my day-to-day existence ... and I'm comfortable with it. I think I'm a fun, loving person who is intelligent and humorous and has a lot of things going for her.

But those damn flairs of concern like to scream up all the time and make me wonder. Wonder if I have enough direction in my life. Wonder if I'm not quirky and unique but rather annoying and rude. Wonder if those very concerns are as evident to others as they are to myself, and if others think I'm weak because of it.

It's an interested state to be in; to know that I am a beautiful and good person while simultaneously questioning every action I take. Yes, yes, I know many of you will say that this is an oxymoron and that I'm deluding myself. But I don't think I am. I think it is possible to know that I am an interesting person who doesn't need to change anything, but to also be aware that I can benefit from some self-reflection.

However that self-reflection can take on a life of its own and destroy this delicate balancing act that is my confidence.

So now I venture into the "know your enemy" territory:

Why the fuck do I do this?

Is it because I spent most of my childhood years being mentally tormented by people and constantly being made to judge every action I was going to attempt before I make it? Is it due to watching my sister and mother fight almost every week and being made to feel like I had to walk on eggshells to ensure that I didn't fall into the fray too heavily? Or is that I've been rejected by so many people over the course of my 23 years that I've come to see it as the norm, and I don't feel comfortable unless something is in flux and therefore I sabotage everything?

Or possibly it could also be my dire terror that I will wake up at 35 (my scary age) and feel like I've made huge, unfixable mistakes in my life. See, while I'm not one to regret anything that I've done in my life since it's always at least been a learning point for me, I do hugely lament decisions I've made. What I fear more than anything right now is that I will come to have a flawed existence, and will be unable to make it worthwhile at the point that I will realize the error of my ways. So to save myself from that fate, I constantly question my actions, and little by little chip away at my confidence.

It still exists people. The confidence is an ionic column in my life. However it's being chipped away by doubt and worn by worry. I'm beginning to fret that it will lose it's integrity soon and the roof will quickly and harshly collapse. So I need to erect some support beams and fast so I can repair that damage.

But first I need to remove those influences. As completely as possible.

And once again I ask in this blog, how the fuck do I do that?

Random campfire stories for the cowboys

So I had a blandly fantastic weekend. I did so very little, but it was utterly wonderful. Mostly because it provided me with a lot of time to think that I haven't been able to have lately. And in light of my promise to try to update this more often, I shall now share my joyness with you.

So come, Lucky Readers, gather round the campfire and let me spin you the yarn of Kendragon and the Weekend of Leisure. Listen to the gui-tar being plucked by Jimmy the two-toothed old timer and nestle down on your hunk of log while I take you back to three days ago...

Basically I was at my boss' house again this weekend watching the adorable pup. So I was provided with ample amounts of time to do very little and actually enjoy my Labor Day Weekend.

Score.

However I did have to work two days at the crappy job. One happened to be with one of my favorite interns which was wonderful, but the other I was stuck alone at a booth for four hours. If it hadn't been for the kindness of those at the booths near me taking pity and coming to keep me company and bringing me hotdogs from their cookout I surely would have perished.

Pause for the dramatic chord being played old-movie style.

But the lonely period gave me more than enough time to think about the things that I need to do to make my life better. See, again I'm happy right now, but I also am very aware of the fact that I can very easily ruin it by falling into old patterns. Guys, I literally made a list of all the positive traits I could think of about myself. Why you ask? Because I figure if I can remember those and remember why I am a good person then maybe I won't continue to try to convince myself that I'm not deserving of good things and people (ahem...Roth).

See, cause if I don't do that then I have nights like last night where I randomly find myself sobbing (could have had to do with the fact that I had watched two episodes of Intervention back-to-back...love the show but man can it be a bummer) for no reason whatsoever. It's super fun folks, try it some time.

But here's the good bit about that crazy session I had - I was able to control myself this time. And the last few of these similar things that have popped up over the past couple months. I reached out to a friend and talked through it...or at least tried to as much as I could. I was able to detach myself from the frame of mind and move on. And then I was in a good enough mood to go to bed and get a good night sleep.

Now the good talk with Roth right before bed didn't hurt anything either. I really dig him guys. Oh! And he totally took me out on a sweet little date to an Italian restaurant this weekend that was amazingly chill in it's simplicity. Sigh. I find him awesome.

Anyway...

So in light of the more-or-less fruitful weekend of late, this week is going to serve as the recommencing of my attempts at self-improvement. It will begin the way it began before: a rededication to my fitness plan and proper diet, and at least thirty minutes a day meditating on what I can do to continue moving in this positive path and ceasing the happiness sabotage.

I'll be sure to update Cowboys. Now go on and hit the trail. Go on. Git!