This is such a whiny post, but I'm upset.

Trying super hard to not over-react right now.

I had a not-so-great date with Roth and it's bumming me out super hardcore.

Mostly cause it's my crazy that made it bad.

Basically I let something he said that didn't even upset me get my wheels turning too much. I started to get depressed about it and couldn't hide it. Then he started questioning me on why I was clearly upset and I couldn't keep the crazy from spilling out of my mouth.

It wasn't an argument, a fight, or anything like that. I think it's part of what made it so awful. it was just...not talking flecked with odd statements from me.

Long story short, he became uncomfortable, and we left what should have been good times early. He barely spoke to me as we drove back, and it was only after I told him he was making me physically uncomfortable with the silence that he told me it was because of some of the stuff I said.

Now he hasn't called. And this after I left a message apologizing. So I think I fucked up too big.

What upsets me most about this isn't the fact that I already might be done with seeing a guy i really dig (which is a bummer ... hugely), but that I truly can't control my actions. During the whole non-fight uncomfortableness I knew I was screwing up. I knew I was being silly and I couldn't stop it. Again.

My god this is redonkulous now. I need to find a way to not do this shit anymore. But i also need to find someone who can deal with it. Cause all I want is for someone who sees the good in me to not be scared away by this shit.

And he sees me. Even in the midst of my silliness he told me twice that he "Would change a single thing about me." And i don't think it was just a line. I think he meant it. So I know he digs me on some level.

But...then why no response to my voicemail? Why no call? Oh...because I'm nutballs.

Hopefully I'm over-reacting. That's probably the case. But dammit i wish this thought process didn't even need to occur.

Dammit, dammit, dammit.