Believe or not, this is a positive realization. Honest.

First and foremost I have to say this:

I have amazing friends.

Whether they are listening to me drone on for hours at work about how 'crappy' my life is, staying on the phone for over an hour with me in the middle of the night making me feel better, or calling me up to just give me a "phone hug" they are amazing and I love them.

Booya.

Okay, now I feel the need to share an insight I came to last night.

I think I am officially the neediest person in the world.

Ever.

What's weird though, I totally am not bummed about this realization. Cool huh?

See, I was kind of wallowing in my unhappiness (luckily not lowness...I'm pretty pleased that I seem to be avoiding that) last night. Bitching to people on the phone, rehashing events of the past few days over and over in my head, waking my mom up so that I could complain to her a bit more ... I was executing every form of non-productive, whiny, self-indulgence.

And then it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, these are the actions of a needy, silly girl.

At that moment I realized that it's totally true. I am needy. Wicked needy. I need people in my life, and I need them to care about me. And since I'm constantly convincing myself that everyone is going to leave me and I'll die alone, I always feel a need to reach out to them ... or wonder why they aren't calling ... or ask myself over and over again what I did to offend particular people even if it isn't remotely the case.

So I truly do need, NEED the people in my life. To help me deal with my problems. To make me feel accepted. To repeatedly reassure me that I am not as awful as I make myself out to be in my head.

Call me sad, but it's true. And I'm owning it.

Now while this might not be the most positive thing to realize about myself, I think its oddly helpful. Cause the epiphany might just help me check my behavior a little more. Maybe it'll make it easier for me to not freak out on people for absolutely no reason just because I can't get out of my head after a needy streak has been sparked (cough, Roth...cough). Perhaps I'll be able to see the tendency to go beyond asking my friends for help all the way to asking them to pretty much hold me up, and in doing so I can stop it. Ideally, I'll be able to see my neediness in the process of it occurring, and I'll be able to make a concerted effort to change my mind frame so that I don't do it anymore.

See, Lucky Readers, I CAN see myself for who I really am. And I CAN not let it upset me. And I CAN use my flaws as a catalysis to improve me being. It is possible!

I knew it was just a matter of time. Excelsior!