To summarize...the Kendragon is doing fine.

So, so many things to update my Lucky Readers on. Craziness.

So I've been a horrible blogger and have allowed catching up with friends and family/searching for a job/being very-mildly-yet-none-the-less depressed keep me from blogging. Shame upon my head. To make amends, i shall now give a short and sweet summary of what has been happening in my world since graduation.

I came back to Cleveland and almost immediately felt I had made the wrong decision. Although i loved being around my friends (especially Neat - she and awesome roommate are by far the two most important non-family members in my life) and getting to spend time with my family, I couldn't help but miss the people that I love in my other city. Add to that that the job market in Cleveland was even worse than I thought it would be and I very quickly began to kick myself. I applied for countless jobs in both Chicago and Cleveland (at least ten a day for about two months at the peak) with responses only from a few companies that I would rather be poor than work for. It was very, very upsetting to turn down jobs while not having money, and even worse when I got rejected for jobs I didn't even want in the first place. Grr, ya know what I mean?

Needless to say that when I hit the three month mark of this I began to get slightly depressed. Add to that that I decided to stop taking my meds (partly for cost effectiveness as well as seeing if I truly needed them anymore ...turns out I'm good for now, although if I do ever need them again I will not hesitate to start up again under doctor's orders) and I wasn't doing too great for a bit there. But after five months of hard searching and patience I found a job. Actually two. A part-time gig doing street team work (unglamorous but a fabulous in at a great radio station) and a potential full-time one working with an advertising and marketing firm (I'm in a trial period holding pattern thing for another week or so before I find out ... wish me luck!). I'm happily going to juggle both and i feel really good about it. Now I'm feelling really good about my decision, and although I still want to get back out to Chicago some time soon, I'm not feeling like a fool for not taking the risk of staying in Chicago with no money.

On the family front everything has been more or less fantastic. My sister is doing marvelously and I've actually gotten to see her two times with a third coming up very soon. This is the most I've seen of her in one year since she moved away for college! My father can be frustrating at times, but overall he's great, and my mother has been outstandingly supportive - more so than I thought she would be. So...great, right?

So things have been good. I wish I had a fella to call my own, but at the same time I'm completely loving being single. I mean, I went to Vegas and got to flirt with cute guys and have an amazing time with abandon and no concern for who would get upset. I even got to kiss a firefighter while there. Cross fantasy number 25f (kissing a firefighter who spends all day running into burning building and saving kittens and babies...or thats what I choose to believe he would be doing) off the list of things I would love to have happen in my life.

The only thing that has been a little sticky has been on the friend front. Now don't get me wrong, i adore all my friends out here and wouldn't trade any of them for anything. However, they can be a trial at times. Some are causing needless drama while others are being downright moody. There's jealousy and gossip and heartbreak. It's frustrating, but since it's only a fraction of the time that we spend together I'm finding it easy to deal with. I just focus on all the times when we're having amazing fun and doing heart warmingly wonderful things, i.e. picking out pumpkins for the fall, going to Haunted Houses around Halloween, going to the beach, having fire pits, watching baseball, and going dancing downtown. And I can do that cause luckily I have been smart enough to keep out of it, more or less. Hooray!

Yes, Lucky Readers, things are actually going well for me, knock on wood. Not as fabulous as they could be, but I'm getting there. After a fairly rough summer I'm feeling fine about where I am, what I'm doing, and I'm beginning to get an idea of where I'm going. Since I like to have direction, I think that that is just enough to make me declare that I am pleasantly and simply content.

Now I shall lay back in my easy chair and sip my warm apple cider while I watch Good Eats and look at icanhazcheezburger.com.

Ahhh...sip...content sigh.

Man! It was freaking epic!

I hate my body.

Not in the whole teenage angsty feeling chubby way. No, I hate my body cause it apparently hates me. And I figure why not make things even, right?

The other night I got food poisoning. And when I say food poisoning I don't just mean oh my stomach is a little upset. Oh no. I mean epic, busting capillaries in my face, 12 hours worth of getting sick, pulling muscles in my stomach and back, getting dehydrated, monster three-day migraine food poisoning.

And on top of it, I think I triggered a dormant flu or something, cause it's been nearly three days and food poisoning doesn't normally last this long. I've been horriblly sick, Lucky Readers, and it's been pretty awful.

And today is my awesome roomie's birthday and I can't even go out for her celebration dinner cause I feel too shitty. Which makes me feel like a shitty friend. Especially after she's been trying so hard to help me feel better. i guess I'll have to find a way to make it up to her ...

The worst part for me is that I've been having to cancel out on things. I missed a double shift day at work, two classes (one of which was kind of important to me, so I'm pretty sad about it), and a meeting for my production practice. I hate feeling like a flake, and even though I know that being sick is beyond my control, not feeling like I can tough my way through it and just get my stuff done feels pretty shitty to me.

No, no, I never put any pressure on myself at all.

The once nice thing about getting sicker than I've been for years is that I haven't had time to think about my crazy. Between getting sick, feeling sick, nearly passing out, and falling asleep for about an hour at a time I haven't had time to be upset or depressed.

So I guess I have to thank that bad apple I ate for giving me a vacation.

But now I'm going to go cause I feel kind of dizzy. Again. Wee!

There's nothing more I would love to do than chillax, Amanda...

Approximately four hours, Lucky Readers.

I am approximately four hours away from the official end of the quarter from hell.

I am thrilled and happy beyond belief. And I will surely be disappointed when I exit the room from taking my last final exam and confetti/multi-colored balloons don't drop from the sky in a flurish of delightful hues as noise makers trumpet the whiny joy of a college student who is far too happy to be done with studying ... even if it is only for a week.

Stupid education...

But yes, only one test left and it should go well enough. I just finished making a study guide (that I have already given to two other classmates to study from, and will probably give to a couple more before the start of the test), and now I'm taking a breather before running off to find a quiet place to review the overly simplistic coverings of the extremely elementary area of study that is Human Resources Management. Or at least that is how my professor has made it for the last ten weeks.

But anyway...

I'm really looking forward to my spring break. Which will offically begin the minute I walk out of that horrible, horrible classroom and head over to meet awesome roomie to finally see 300. After which I will head home to clean the apartment (which desperately needs it), pack, and hopefully make a collage that I think will be really cute when I finish.

You see, tomorrow I'm heading home to Cleveland, at which point I will be around my family, friends, and (starting on Friday) Ted. I will spend my time there chillaxing, reading, knitting, seeing some of my current favorite people, and (hopefully!) interviewing for a job, if I can convince the dude to meet with me.

And it will be grand. To have a couple days to just fucking be - without stress and whatnot. It will be like my entire body saying "Ahhhhhhhhh!" and this notion truly pumps me up.

The only snag I may have is that my doctors have decided to start me on a new med, and the fact that it will probably mess with my body for the first few weeks kind of makes me sad. Oh! And don't forget about the fact that they told me that if I were to get pregnant right now (don't worry though, I have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE to do that), the kid would come out all deformed and creepy cause of the medication I'm on.

And cut to when the kid is four, following me around screaming "One of us! One of us!" all the time. I ... I just don't think I wanna deal with that.

But, hey, it will make me better in the end, so whatever happens in the beginning is totally worth it. And, you know, giving me a twentith reason to not want to have a kid at this point in my life is totally awesome too.

If you haven't picked up on this yet (and you'd ahve to be fairly slow to not have picked up on this fact by now), I've made a turn for the positive again. This time, it was just going to see my doctors, and having them force me to realistically talk about what was going through my head that helped. In a few sort weeks I have become completely comfortable talking to them about my stuff, and it feels amazing to do so. Cause I never really have been able to do that with anyone before. In fact, it made me feel so good, that after my session I went over to the Gap and did some sale shopping, which only helped my good mood.

I freaking love a deal, y'all.

I do believe that one of these days this whole therapy thing will prove to be one of the most positive things I will have ever done for myself. And while it may suck to deal with everything, it's gonna all be for the best. And the fact that I am beginning to think this way makes me see that my outlook is changing. For this reason, I am extremely proud of myself.

But now I'm off to study. Although ... since I have so much time, I think I will first head down to the bookstore and pick up a new graphic novel, per my going-back-to-cleveland ritual. It'll be freaking sweet!

Wish me luck, Lucky Readers!


Three hours and fourty-five minutes...

Life stuck on repeat

Despite me grandest of efforts, I let myself think a rather foolish thought, Lucky Reader. I let myself, for five seconds, believe that being happy for three days meant that I was all not crazy anymore.


Isn't that a fun trick to play on myself? So silly! Tee hee!

The past couple days have been really rough. Again. Surprise, surprise. But I handled it better than the last bout of badness. Nothing harmful happened this time. In fact, when I had ... bad thoughts ... I made a healthier choice and made a collage. This may sound like a little victory to other people, but to me it's huge. Mostly cause if I could do it once, that means I can do it again.

This was my beaches of Normandy, people.

Plus, Ted really stepped up to the plate and helped me through the worst of it. Before, I had been afraid to reach out to him and tell him about what I was going through. Cause even though he knew about my crazy (and has been wonderful about it, by the by. He's responded with openness and a desire to understand, which is exactly how someone should respond to such news. I really like him, guys...) I was afraid that if he actually bore witness to it it would scare him away. But it didn't. He just stayed on the phone with me until I felt better. He let me talk through it as much as possible, asked questions to help me articulate my thoughts, and tried really hard to just make me smile, which, sadly, is all I really need sometimes. I am so fucking proud of him right now, Lucky Readers, and I feel so very lucky that I have someone like him.

But none the less, its still been rough. Especially in light of the previous low period (which was only about a week ago. That's right, I'm off balance as shit, y'all!). Basically, I had let myself binge on bad behavior during the previous low period. I didn't fight the urges I get and instead I gave into them. Even though I knew that I shouldn't. And that I had been okay for nearly three months prior to that. And afterwards I was left reeling in my own head, wondering what the hell just happened.

Wow. Reading that back it makes me sound like I do heavy drugs or binge drink. Especially in light of the fact that I'm watching Intervention right now. Rest assured, Lucky Readers, I do not. I'm not that crazy.

But, yea. The roughness of the past couple days has been heartbreaking to me. Especially after I actually felt normal, at least much more than I have for a bit now. And to feel this way now ... it sucks.

Suckity suck suck sucks.

But I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. And I'll be going back to Cleveland on the 21st. And the quarter from hell has only two days remaining in it. And the opera's done so I never have to work one ever again (hooray!). And I am loved.

Ecetera, ecetera, ecetera.

So once again, I'm going to keep repeating that stuff to myself. But this is getting exhausting and it's not really working all too fantastically. And I'm getting really frustrated.

I'm trying to get better. But the getting better is making things worse. And I know that it has to be that way sometimes, but COME ON! How much do I have to put up with in order to get there?

I go to my doctors so I can get the medication I need to balance out. But there I have to talk about why I need it and that makes me dig up the shit I hate to think about. And then the rough stuff is just laying there, exposed and raw in a vat of salt. And I can't help but think about it. And then I can't help but dwell on it. And that makes me feel like I did for eight years.

But...things aren't really as bad as I see them as being. Not even close.

And the fact that I have to conciously tell myself that over and over again sucks incrediblly.

Opera sucks ... but I don't! Hooray!

I'm at the box office, working the opera. As I will be for tonight and the next two days, more or less. As I have previously communicated, I don't dig on opera. And I really don't like working it too much besides the fact that I get to see our house manager (whom I adore!) and nearly twice my normal pay rate.

But it isn't effecting me. I am still in my super-happy good mood, and I am thrilled about it. I'm really hoping that this doesn't leave anytime soon ...

Yea, I'm really worried about that. I'm trying to supress it as much as possible, lest it trigger the end of the happiness. But I am. Especially now that I feel like I can appreciate how nice this feels since the last couple months have been so incrediblly uneven. Unbalanced. Unnormal.

In other words ... me.

But I'm loving working with my coworker that I haven't worked with in awhile right now. And my boss is adorable. And when I go home tonight I'm going to go hang out with some of my awesome roommates' peeps (I think...) which should be fun. And I'll talk to Ted soon and that's going to be great as well. So I'm just going to worry about that stuff, which doens't involve much worry at all, thank you very much.

Right now ... I'm just happy. And that's good enough for now. Scratch that. Forever.

Ode to Awesome Roommate

I love my roommate.

I haven't shared this fact for a bit, and all day long she has been in my thoughts, so I now feel the need to share this.

My awesome roommate is many things that I love and adore. Besides being so much one of my best friends that I've come to think of her as my sister from another mister, she is scarily smart, a brilliant writer, a talented performer, funny as all get out, an excellent (and might I add helpful!) listener, a lover of all things great and wonderful in this world (most particularly cult/asian movies and burlesque) and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!

She has survived so many truly, deeply difficult things (ones that would leave most people that complain about trivial bullshit to whomever will listen in a tear soaked ball on the floor) with pose, strength, humor, and resilience. She calls me on my bullshit when I need it and hugs me when I don't. She likes to flash me when entering a room of our shared living space, and this never fails to make me smile. She is supportive of me and all others close to her in a more true sense than I have ever seen.

In the simplest terms possible, I adore my awesome roommate.

But all gushing aside, I am nervous for her today. She has some post-graduation/first real job interviews today that she is about to wrap up as I type this. She is more than qualified for the position and I truly wish her the best of luck.

She was a bit worried last night about all this (understandablly so!), which wasn't helped by the fact that we got locked out of the apartment around midnight (karma punishing smoking...) and I had to convince our downstairs neighbors to help us out. But because my awesome roomie is so wonderful, by the time I got the fellas up there to help out, she had figured out a way to pick the lock well enough that with a firm turn from their manly hands the door popped right open.

Cause that's how cool my roommate is, Lucky Readers.

We could totally rob banks together. If we were so inclined...

And then we would travel the country side in our black Model T, with me at the wheel and awesome roomie manning the tommy gun while screaming "You'll never get us alive, Coppers!" through her set teeth that are clamped down hard on a stogie before we miraculously lose them and head over to our hideout which will be stocked with food from Stella's diner, sudoku/crossword puzzles lining the walls, and Dante wandering about being adorable.