There's a tear in my beer, and other bad, bad country song lyrics

Everything makes me sad.

I realized this as I got drunk tonight on an empty stomach after leaving the apartment alone
without telling anyone where I was going, and frankly not knowing myself, because I didn't want to cry again cause I've cried too much in my life.

I think I've used up my alottment of tears. I've cried too much over too little. And now I won't allow myself to do it anymore.

The universe will punish me if I do.

I feel like a freak right now. I feel sad. I feel lost and alone and unlovable.

And that's all I thought about. While I was at work today. While I sat on the couch just hoping that someone would express some sort of care about the fact that I existed. While I realized that it's not anyone's job to do so. While I got dressed knowing that I had no idea where I was going. While I drank only three beers and got freaking drunk as shit since I had only soup and cheerios in my head for the past three days. While I tried to ignore the fact that only two sad drunk guys were sitting across the bar from me and the bartender was more interested in talking to them then me.

I'm just all alone. And apparently pathetic and redonkulous. And that doesn't make anything better.

So now I'm going to go back to pretending I don't hear things so that I can sit in my apartment and not feel like a lepper. Cause I will be alone forever and need to be reminded of that as often as possible.

And shit. Now I'm crying.

Wait for the smitting.



*Note - please ignore my bad spelling or grammar. I'm writing this while drunk. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Man! It was freaking epic!

I hate my body.

Not in the whole teenage angsty feeling chubby way. No, I hate my body cause it apparently hates me. And I figure why not make things even, right?

The other night I got food poisoning. And when I say food poisoning I don't just mean oh my stomach is a little upset. Oh no. I mean epic, busting capillaries in my face, 12 hours worth of getting sick, pulling muscles in my stomach and back, getting dehydrated, monster three-day migraine food poisoning.

And on top of it, I think I triggered a dormant flu or something, cause it's been nearly three days and food poisoning doesn't normally last this long. I've been horriblly sick, Lucky Readers, and it's been pretty awful.

And today is my awesome roomie's birthday and I can't even go out for her celebration dinner cause I feel too shitty. Which makes me feel like a shitty friend. Especially after she's been trying so hard to help me feel better. i guess I'll have to find a way to make it up to her ...

The worst part for me is that I've been having to cancel out on things. I missed a double shift day at work, two classes (one of which was kind of important to me, so I'm pretty sad about it), and a meeting for my production practice. I hate feeling like a flake, and even though I know that being sick is beyond my control, not feeling like I can tough my way through it and just get my stuff done feels pretty shitty to me.

No, no, I never put any pressure on myself at all.

The once nice thing about getting sicker than I've been for years is that I haven't had time to think about my crazy. Between getting sick, feeling sick, nearly passing out, and falling asleep for about an hour at a time I haven't had time to be upset or depressed.

So I guess I have to thank that bad apple I ate for giving me a vacation.

But now I'm going to go cause I feel kind of dizzy. Again. Wee!

What makes me happy makes me sad.

So I've been at work all day, trying to keep my mind occupied. I spent some time looking for jobs (bust) and watching videos on YouTube (fun but ultimately a waste of time). And then I started thinking.

I was trying to figure out exactly what it is that makes me not feel sad. Not necessarily what makes me happy, but what it is that makes me not wanna lie down in bed and never get up. I was doing this because my doctors both think its important for me to understand my triggers and my balance points. So I thought about the balance points since I didn't want to make myself depressed. And the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that it is while I am working that I am consistently the least upset.

Let me explain why, Lucky Readers.

I think it's because I am three things while I am there; distracted, needed, and respected. Now the latter two seem to me to be very basic/normal, and therefore not worthy of note. But the first one kind of bothers me. Apparently I am only near happy when I am completely outside of my head and not thinking like a normal human being. I must be distracted to the point that I make myself numb to not be upset all the time.

Apparently.

It's not just at work, though. It's while I'm in class (I need to constantly be counting down the minutes of class on the side of my notes in order to pay attention anymore), while I'm out with friends (I've become addicted to the jukeboxes at bars partly cause I like to hear good music while I drink, but also because it keeps my mind busy), and while I'm at home (internet jigsaw puzzles anyone?) too.

Distraction is my trick and I am her John who patronizes her all the time.

And sadly this fits really well with what my doctor's and I have been figuring out. That I am so uncomfortable just being that it literally triggers my crazy. And that's what they have been trying to work on with me for the past few weeks. And we'll probably keep working on for the next while now. Joy.

So I guess that means that we are making some progress. And that's good. Cause that means that we are moving in the right direction, which makes me think that maybe it hasn't been a complete waste of time.

But still...realizing what makes me happy has made me sad. And that's not good.

Hi. I'm Even-Steven...er...Stevette?

So, it's been a week or so since I wrote anything. I've been crazy busy on top of being crazy sad/depressed, so I've been a bit preoccupied. So I'll update for ya.

The crazy busy has mostly been in regards to classes, but it's also been the job search. I won't dwell on that again, but basically I am super frustrated about the lack of solid leads. Although I am happy to report that some friends are coming through with vague possibilities. But right now they are very vague. And that's aggrevating.

Plus, when I talked to my doctor about it (she asked, I swear) she eventually had to state, "Wow. You have every reason to be frustrated and upset. That sucks."

Yep, that's what she said. More or less.

As for being sad/depressed again...well I have no explanation for that beyond the fact that it's my crazy striking. Again. Joy.

I really do need to stop being so surprised by this. I mean, it's kind of the nature of the crazy. And I need to learn to deal with it rather than responding with "What the Hell!?" Cause clearly that's not helping anything. But then again, I don't know how else to react, so this whole vague idea of changing my response may just be an exercise in futility.

Sigh...

But it hasn't all been bad, Lucky Readers. I've been having a lot of fun hanging out with my friends. I've been doing new things and redisovering pasttimes that I had vaguely abandoned (remember bowling? I didn't until Monday...). I've had a couple really fun bar nights and I even tried a juice fast to de-toxify my system. Although I did kinda cheat at it. A little. I had a salad each day and two beers. Sue me.

Plus, as a result of the fast I decided that I am going to start back up with my diet. I know, I know, I keep saying that. But this time I know I have to stay with it. I'm about to graduate and enter the work world, which will give me alot of stress plus a more seditary life style, which spells weight gain. And since I'm not at the lower weight that I think I should be at, I'm going to need to form some good habits now. That also includes exercising, which I need to get back into.

I will do it this time. I really, really, really, will!

But now I should probably go since I'm in class and should be paying attention (tee hee!). To sum up... sad but trying to be positive, stressed by trying to relax, worried about graduation, but pleased about having real fun with real friends.

So...I balance out. Good for me!

Had a bad day again, and other song titles that teenage girls reference when they are sad.

Today is not a good day. In fact, today is a rather bad day.

Ted and I broke up. That's all I'm going to say about it. I am very sad about it, Lucky Reader. I feel like a bitch and a bad person. This should do alot to help my crazy.

Woo freaking hoo.

I feel like shit and don't want to talk about it. So I won't. In fact, this shall be the shortest post ever, ever.

See?

Know anyone hiring talented, witty, awesome people? Please?

So it's been a hot minute since I've posted. And this post will be short. You see, Lucky Readers, I have been incrediblly busy the past week or so. Mostly with fairly mundane shit. But nonetheless I am finding myself with little to no free time anymore. For cryin' in the dark, I barely have enough time to sleep properly!

But I better become accustomed to it. Cause I think the remainder of this next quarter is going to be alot of the same.

Sigh. Moan, sigh.

What is bothering my most of all right now is this whole what-am-I-going-to-do-after-graduation thing. Everytime I start to get my mind wrapped around the options that I have and farily favor, everything changes. I get new info, more advice, more options ... and then I'm screwed. And it's leaving me dumbstruck, unable to act in any particular direction. I mean, I don't even know what city I want to live in yet, much less what I am going to do to pay the bills. And the closer I get to graduation (about eight and a half weeks...) the more nervous I get.

I've said it nine thousand times before, but I wish I could just cut to two months from now when I'll know what I want and how I want it to happen. And then I'll be content and very well-off for a college graudate and everything will be sunshine and roses.

That'll be swell.

All I know is that this not knowing things is really stressing me out. And all the stress is making my crazy act up. I've been really off-balance lately in the very extreme sense of the term, and it's exhausting. And it's only one and half weeks into the quarter!

I need to get it in check...sooner rather than later. I just wish someone could tell me how. And while s/he is at it, if s/he can just tell me everything else, it would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

I repeat...

Sigh. Moan, sigh.