Wonder...

I wonder. I wonder if my confidence is being undermined by my past, or by my fear of what could be my future.

See...I like to think of myself as a confidence person. Full of doubts and paranoia, yes...of course. Look to this blog for proof if you feel it necessary. But overall I think I have a certain level of comfort in who and what I am. I know what I look like, how I act, and how I think about my day-to-day existence ... and I'm comfortable with it. I think I'm a fun, loving person who is intelligent and humorous and has a lot of things going for her.

But those damn flairs of concern like to scream up all the time and make me wonder. Wonder if I have enough direction in my life. Wonder if I'm not quirky and unique but rather annoying and rude. Wonder if those very concerns are as evident to others as they are to myself, and if others think I'm weak because of it.

It's an interested state to be in; to know that I am a beautiful and good person while simultaneously questioning every action I take. Yes, yes, I know many of you will say that this is an oxymoron and that I'm deluding myself. But I don't think I am. I think it is possible to know that I am an interesting person who doesn't need to change anything, but to also be aware that I can benefit from some self-reflection.

However that self-reflection can take on a life of its own and destroy this delicate balancing act that is my confidence.

So now I venture into the "know your enemy" territory:

Why the fuck do I do this?

Is it because I spent most of my childhood years being mentally tormented by people and constantly being made to judge every action I was going to attempt before I make it? Is it due to watching my sister and mother fight almost every week and being made to feel like I had to walk on eggshells to ensure that I didn't fall into the fray too heavily? Or is that I've been rejected by so many people over the course of my 23 years that I've come to see it as the norm, and I don't feel comfortable unless something is in flux and therefore I sabotage everything?

Or possibly it could also be my dire terror that I will wake up at 35 (my scary age) and feel like I've made huge, unfixable mistakes in my life. See, while I'm not one to regret anything that I've done in my life since it's always at least been a learning point for me, I do hugely lament decisions I've made. What I fear more than anything right now is that I will come to have a flawed existence, and will be unable to make it worthwhile at the point that I will realize the error of my ways. So to save myself from that fate, I constantly question my actions, and little by little chip away at my confidence.

It still exists people. The confidence is an ionic column in my life. However it's being chipped away by doubt and worn by worry. I'm beginning to fret that it will lose it's integrity soon and the roof will quickly and harshly collapse. So I need to erect some support beams and fast so I can repair that damage.

But first I need to remove those influences. As completely as possible.

And once again I ask in this blog, how the fuck do I do that?