And the Kendragons Rejoice!

So... break is over. I'm back in Chicago and I'm once again finding myself at the start of a new quarter.

Sigh!

But it's the last quarter of my undergraduate degree, and in a very short three months I will be forced to enter the real world, and I'm sure by the time I reach that point I will be sitting slack jawed with drool dribbling out of my numb mouth because I will have been struck dumb by wondering with great fervor how in the Hell time went so very, very fast.

So I decided that I am going to live the next few months in the present, enjoying this nearly-finished period in my life (or as much as possible while searching for a job and trying to plan my truly adult life). Which will be made much easier because I actually did have an amazingly relaxing Spring Break.

You see, Lucky Readers, despite the car fire my time in Cleveland was tons-o-fun. I got to spend a lot of good time with Ted, I hung out with my friends doing many of the things I love to do with them (read as watching the guys get way too into March Madness games, playing far too intense games of Catch Phrase and Can't Stop, making up the rules for a drinking game version of Sorry!, and going down to West 6th to get pushed and shoved through tiny places while paying far too much for only alright drinks but enjoying every moment of it), got to see my family (well...most of it), and caught up on my sleep cycle. And although I got a really bad headache the last day I was there, I didn't really care all that much. It was a fantastic break, y'all.

And the fact that one of my best Cleveland friends will be coming out this weekend to visit just makes it feel like the break will be prolonged, and there is nothin' wrong with that.

So overall, happiness is occuring in the land of the Kendragon right now. And this makes her very pleased.

I just need to shut out the little nagging voice in the back of my head that is trying to bring me down right now, what with it's "You have classes and homework coming! Ha, ha!", "You'll never get a good job! Tee hee!", and "You've wasted the last three and a half years of your life! What a loser!"-ish comments. Cause if I don't it will succeed in dragging me down. Again. And I don't want that. I want to stay in this nice, level area that I have been at for nearly a week now (thank you very much!) for as long as humanly possible.

So to combat this evilness before it get too strong, I will do the follow:

I'll keep up my mantras. I'll keep my nose to the grindstone. I'll keep taking my meds. I will work out (again!) and eat well. I will enjoy the sun when it is shinning. I'll read all the books I need to read as well as some of the ones I want to read. I will wathc many, many films. I'll keep up with friends and family. I won't get overwhelmed and stressed. I will allow Ted to continue to treat me as well as I deserve without sabotaging it cause my crazy tells me I'm not worth it. I will not get distracted or depressed. I will not waste time or money. I will graduate with flying freaking colors!

What? I totally will ...

I can yell "Fire" in a crowded room with justification.

So I came back to Cleveland and what did Cleveland do to say "Welcome Home"?

IT LET MY CAR CATCH ON FIRE!!!!!!

Did you catch that?

My CAR caught on FIRE!!!

Yes, Lucky Readers, I went out to meet some friends for sushi, and on the way noticed that my car was making a weird sound. Not so weird that I felt I needed to pull over, but strange enough for me to notice. And as I was turning in to the parking lot, a person in another car screamed something I couldn't hear. That made me worried. So I parked and got out of my car and walked over to where the noise was coming from and saw

A FUCKING FIRE!!!!!

The brake pads on my car were bright red (as in I could have hammered them into a lovely metal sculpture if I had the tools) and there were flames coming from beside them. As I frantically called people to try and figure out what to do, the brake pads cooled off, but the flames remained, at a slow burn. So I went to a valet boy outside the restaurant and told him that my car was on fire and he got a hostess to bring out some water to throw on it to put it out.

After it went out, the valet boy checked underneath my car and told me that the flames had been very close to the gas line of my car. So I was all of about five minutes away from a potential explosion.

WEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you, this is not the first time this car has tried to kill me. It's tried pretty successfully two other times before (lost all power to my car in the middle of an intersection, making me nearly hit two cars, and the e-brake went down on its own once while I was driving on icy roads, making my car spin around one and a half times)and has been just plain bitchy every other time I drive it. So now I think that it may be offically dead. Or at least, I ain't driving her ever, ever again.

The cunt.

But the sushi was delicious. And getting to see my friends was great. As I have done for the past two nights and will definitely do for the next two, we family is already wonderful, and I'm going to be seeing Ted tonight. In other words, break is already making me happy. As I hoped it would. So...hooray!!!!!

Be proud of me Lucky Readers. I'm happy and I didn't get all blowed up.

Two points for me!




Oh ... and I actually made this rather fitting collage. Hope you like.

There's nothing more I would love to do than chillax, Amanda...

Approximately four hours, Lucky Readers.

I am approximately four hours away from the official end of the quarter from hell.

I am thrilled and happy beyond belief. And I will surely be disappointed when I exit the room from taking my last final exam and confetti/multi-colored balloons don't drop from the sky in a flurish of delightful hues as noise makers trumpet the whiny joy of a college student who is far too happy to be done with studying ... even if it is only for a week.

Stupid education...

But yes, only one test left and it should go well enough. I just finished making a study guide (that I have already given to two other classmates to study from, and will probably give to a couple more before the start of the test), and now I'm taking a breather before running off to find a quiet place to review the overly simplistic coverings of the extremely elementary area of study that is Human Resources Management. Or at least that is how my professor has made it for the last ten weeks.

But anyway...

I'm really looking forward to my spring break. Which will offically begin the minute I walk out of that horrible, horrible classroom and head over to meet awesome roomie to finally see 300. After which I will head home to clean the apartment (which desperately needs it), pack, and hopefully make a collage that I think will be really cute when I finish.

You see, tomorrow I'm heading home to Cleveland, at which point I will be around my family, friends, and (starting on Friday) Ted. I will spend my time there chillaxing, reading, knitting, seeing some of my current favorite people, and (hopefully!) interviewing for a job, if I can convince the dude to meet with me.

And it will be grand. To have a couple days to just fucking be - without stress and whatnot. It will be like my entire body saying "Ahhhhhhhhh!" and this notion truly pumps me up.

The only snag I may have is that my doctors have decided to start me on a new med, and the fact that it will probably mess with my body for the first few weeks kind of makes me sad. Oh! And don't forget about the fact that they told me that if I were to get pregnant right now (don't worry though, I have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE to do that), the kid would come out all deformed and creepy cause of the medication I'm on.

And cut to when the kid is four, following me around screaming "One of us! One of us!" all the time. I ... I just don't think I wanna deal with that.

But, hey, it will make me better in the end, so whatever happens in the beginning is totally worth it. And, you know, giving me a twentith reason to not want to have a kid at this point in my life is totally awesome too.

If you haven't picked up on this yet (and you'd ahve to be fairly slow to not have picked up on this fact by now), I've made a turn for the positive again. This time, it was just going to see my doctors, and having them force me to realistically talk about what was going through my head that helped. In a few sort weeks I have become completely comfortable talking to them about my stuff, and it feels amazing to do so. Cause I never really have been able to do that with anyone before. In fact, it made me feel so good, that after my session I went over to the Gap and did some sale shopping, which only helped my good mood.

I freaking love a deal, y'all.

I do believe that one of these days this whole therapy thing will prove to be one of the most positive things I will have ever done for myself. And while it may suck to deal with everything, it's gonna all be for the best. And the fact that I am beginning to think this way makes me see that my outlook is changing. For this reason, I am extremely proud of myself.

But now I'm off to study. Although ... since I have so much time, I think I will first head down to the bookstore and pick up a new graphic novel, per my going-back-to-cleveland ritual. It'll be freaking sweet!

Wish me luck, Lucky Readers!


Three hours and fourty-five minutes...

Life stuck on repeat

Despite me grandest of efforts, I let myself think a rather foolish thought, Lucky Reader. I let myself, for five seconds, believe that being happy for three days meant that I was all not crazy anymore.


Isn't that a fun trick to play on myself? So silly! Tee hee!

The past couple days have been really rough. Again. Surprise, surprise. But I handled it better than the last bout of badness. Nothing harmful happened this time. In fact, when I had ... bad thoughts ... I made a healthier choice and made a collage. This may sound like a little victory to other people, but to me it's huge. Mostly cause if I could do it once, that means I can do it again.

This was my beaches of Normandy, people.

Plus, Ted really stepped up to the plate and helped me through the worst of it. Before, I had been afraid to reach out to him and tell him about what I was going through. Cause even though he knew about my crazy (and has been wonderful about it, by the by. He's responded with openness and a desire to understand, which is exactly how someone should respond to such news. I really like him, guys...) I was afraid that if he actually bore witness to it it would scare him away. But it didn't. He just stayed on the phone with me until I felt better. He let me talk through it as much as possible, asked questions to help me articulate my thoughts, and tried really hard to just make me smile, which, sadly, is all I really need sometimes. I am so fucking proud of him right now, Lucky Readers, and I feel so very lucky that I have someone like him.

But none the less, its still been rough. Especially in light of the previous low period (which was only about a week ago. That's right, I'm off balance as shit, y'all!). Basically, I had let myself binge on bad behavior during the previous low period. I didn't fight the urges I get and instead I gave into them. Even though I knew that I shouldn't. And that I had been okay for nearly three months prior to that. And afterwards I was left reeling in my own head, wondering what the hell just happened.

Wow. Reading that back it makes me sound like I do heavy drugs or binge drink. Especially in light of the fact that I'm watching Intervention right now. Rest assured, Lucky Readers, I do not. I'm not that crazy.

But, yea. The roughness of the past couple days has been heartbreaking to me. Especially after I actually felt normal, at least much more than I have for a bit now. And to feel this way now ... it sucks.

Suckity suck suck sucks.

But I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. And I'll be going back to Cleveland on the 21st. And the quarter from hell has only two days remaining in it. And the opera's done so I never have to work one ever again (hooray!). And I am loved.

Ecetera, ecetera, ecetera.

So once again, I'm going to keep repeating that stuff to myself. But this is getting exhausting and it's not really working all too fantastically. And I'm getting really frustrated.

I'm trying to get better. But the getting better is making things worse. And I know that it has to be that way sometimes, but COME ON! How much do I have to put up with in order to get there?

I go to my doctors so I can get the medication I need to balance out. But there I have to talk about why I need it and that makes me dig up the shit I hate to think about. And then the rough stuff is just laying there, exposed and raw in a vat of salt. And I can't help but think about it. And then I can't help but dwell on it. And that makes me feel like I did for eight years.

But...things aren't really as bad as I see them as being. Not even close.

And the fact that I have to conciously tell myself that over and over again sucks incrediblly.

Opera sucks ... but I don't! Hooray!

I'm at the box office, working the opera. As I will be for tonight and the next two days, more or less. As I have previously communicated, I don't dig on opera. And I really don't like working it too much besides the fact that I get to see our house manager (whom I adore!) and nearly twice my normal pay rate.

But it isn't effecting me. I am still in my super-happy good mood, and I am thrilled about it. I'm really hoping that this doesn't leave anytime soon ...

Yea, I'm really worried about that. I'm trying to supress it as much as possible, lest it trigger the end of the happiness. But I am. Especially now that I feel like I can appreciate how nice this feels since the last couple months have been so incrediblly uneven. Unbalanced. Unnormal.

In other words ... me.

But I'm loving working with my coworker that I haven't worked with in awhile right now. And my boss is adorable. And when I go home tonight I'm going to go hang out with some of my awesome roommates' peeps (I think...) which should be fun. And I'll talk to Ted soon and that's going to be great as well. So I'm just going to worry about that stuff, which doens't involve much worry at all, thank you very much.

Right now ... I'm just happy. And that's good enough for now. Scratch that. Forever.

Ode to Awesome Roommate

I love my roommate.

I haven't shared this fact for a bit, and all day long she has been in my thoughts, so I now feel the need to share this.

My awesome roommate is many things that I love and adore. Besides being so much one of my best friends that I've come to think of her as my sister from another mister, she is scarily smart, a brilliant writer, a talented performer, funny as all get out, an excellent (and might I add helpful!) listener, a lover of all things great and wonderful in this world (most particularly cult/asian movies and burlesque) and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!

She has survived so many truly, deeply difficult things (ones that would leave most people that complain about trivial bullshit to whomever will listen in a tear soaked ball on the floor) with pose, strength, humor, and resilience. She calls me on my bullshit when I need it and hugs me when I don't. She likes to flash me when entering a room of our shared living space, and this never fails to make me smile. She is supportive of me and all others close to her in a more true sense than I have ever seen.

In the simplest terms possible, I adore my awesome roommate.

But all gushing aside, I am nervous for her today. She has some post-graduation/first real job interviews today that she is about to wrap up as I type this. She is more than qualified for the position and I truly wish her the best of luck.

She was a bit worried last night about all this (understandablly so!), which wasn't helped by the fact that we got locked out of the apartment around midnight (karma punishing smoking...) and I had to convince our downstairs neighbors to help us out. But because my awesome roomie is so wonderful, by the time I got the fellas up there to help out, she had figured out a way to pick the lock well enough that with a firm turn from their manly hands the door popped right open.

Cause that's how cool my roommate is, Lucky Readers.

We could totally rob banks together. If we were so inclined...

And then we would travel the country side in our black Model T, with me at the wheel and awesome roomie manning the tommy gun while screaming "You'll never get us alive, Coppers!" through her set teeth that are clamped down hard on a stogie before we miraculously lose them and head over to our hideout which will be stocked with food from Stella's diner, sudoku/crossword puzzles lining the walls, and Dante wandering about being adorable.

Unicorns and rainbows are EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!

So the worst of my worst days are over ... relatively speaking. I still have the craziness of the opera this weekend at work, but that shouldn't be too, too terrible. Although I do hate the opera. The customers who call in, leading them through seating charts, getting yelled at cause the music school takes all the good seats, dealing with the music school, dealing with the primadonna cast members/musician (and yes, primadonnas are worse than drama queens), and the very fact that its an opera which i can appreciate but just don't dig on ... I hate everything about it! But hey, at least I don't have to watch it this year.

Am I right?!? *Puts hand up in the air waiting for someone to high five it* Am I right ?!?

But besides the prospect of that looming over my head I am actually ... big breath now ...

HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, crazy right? But yea I was walking down the street today and I realized that for the first time in like two months, I was happy without any influence at all (you see, I can be happy when, say, I'm hanging out with friends or visiting Ted. But without anything like that ... not so much)! I literally has a bounce in my step, Lucky Readers!

So to celebrate I put one of my new favorite mixes onto my iPod and I lip-sang along to it while I rode the El and walked down the streets without giving two shits what anyone thought about it. But I did resist the urge to dance until I got back to the apartment. That would have been too much, me thinks.

I'm not sure why I was so happy. Nor do I think I really care. I mean, it could be that the roughest days of this hellsih end to the quarter from hell are over. Or it could be that I am going home in about a week now and I simply cannot wait to see the streets of my little slice of Cleveland suburbia, friends there, family, and (sigh!) Ted. Or maybe its that my therapy and meds are finally beginning to squelsh my crazy enough that I can actually be at my base level for a few days without interruption.

The point is, I don't care. I'm just so happy that it happened, and I want to enjoy it without killing it with questions.

And speaking of my therapist, I started meeting with her this week (before it was just a psychiatrist, and now I get both - that's just how crazy I am!) which meant that I had to give my history to her and can I just say ... how am I not more crazy than I am?

But we'll leave that for another day, when I'm not so happy.

And now I leave you so I can go skipping down the beautiful sunny streets of my beautiful sunny city while animated flowers bloom and grow behind me and blue birds soar towards my head tweeting a melody over the up-tempo, Disneyesque music!

Remember when I said I was going to try to be positive? Yea, I do too...

I really don't know how I'm going to get through this next week. Or rather nine-ish days. I just took a look at my schedule again (which is really dumb of me to do right now because every time that I do I feel like the floor is opening up and beginning to chew on my toes just to tease me before expanding the full arc of the jaw and swallowing me whole), and felt like I was going to cry because of how utterly terrified I am at the prospect of getting everything done on time.

Let me explain a bit. You see, I do too much stuff. I attend university in a conservatory program that is still rather intense. I am working toward getting my minor, which is forcing me to take lot of commerce classes with really boring/irritating/annoying/overly-demanding, unrealistic professors, with few exceptions. All of them are requiring lots of work for finals week, and most of them are all about the group projects, which are highly annoying because I hate to work with groups when I have no real way of demanding work from the group members/compaining to anyone when they don't produce. So all that means that I get stuck doing all the work and getting all the blame if we get even one point off (yes, that did happen recently in my very worst class. From a girl who had never even emailed anyone none the less!)

I am doing an internship at a local theatre, and because I need as many hours as possible to meet the course requirements so that I can get class credit and graduate on time, I am having to agree to working lots, and lots, and lots of hours. I work at my other theatre as well, and we are just about to be entering the hell week for the opera rental which means even more work. And while it also means a nice chunk of change for me (again, in college terms), it will surely suck in the extreme.

I'm trying to keep healthy, which means spending lots of time trying to keep up communications with people at home. But, that also means the stress of talking with them cause they all have their own issues too (not that I mind. far from it. I just have so much else on my plate right now). I'm trying to keep up a newer relationship with Ted over long-distance, which is great in the sense of having another support person, but difficult because I miss him, and that alone is adding more stress.

Oh, and let's not forget going to the doctor once a week to rehash things that I have been diligently suppressing for years and years now, and being on new medications that apparently have to beat me up before they start to really work. Oh, and the meds make me really tired so that I can barely wake-up in the mornings and I have a hard time studying at night ... both of which boded well for my final that I had this morning that I do not believe went too well. Hooray!

All and all, it's a fun, fun time for me. And I simply cannot wait for it to be done so that I have a couple days to just chillax in Cleveland before starting it all up again.

Anyone feel like trading places with me until then? Hmm? No takers?

Damnit.

Liquor ... but I just met her! aka Drunkity drunk drunk drunk!

I broke my drinking streak this weekend. I drank way too much and got sick for the first time ever, Lucky Readers ... from liquor that is. And let me just say I still don't get what the big hullabaloo is about drinking till you get sick. It hurts (I learned that throwing up alchol REALLLLLLY burns), it's messy, and I have felt redonkulously ill all day (beyond hangover my friends). Plus, Ted got really mad when he found out how drunk I got (well... as really mad as he gets. He's a very mellow guy ... never even raised his voice), and although I love that he cares enough to get upset, I hate that I made him so.

Never, ever, ever again Lucky Readers.

The rest of the weekend wasn't much better. I worked at my internship nearly all of the first nice weather weekend we've had in months. I still am stressed beyond belief and can't focus enough to study ... like I should be doing right about now actually.

Oh...and my crazy is making me do bad things again. Wee!!!!!!

But I don't want to dwell on all that. I want to be as positive as possible right now. So instead I'm going to think about how I'm almost done with the quarter from hell, how I have awesome friends (who held my hair back for me even), an amazing man in my life, lots of money coming my way (in college terms that is), spring break coming (10 days away from Cleveland!), and an appointment with my doctor, which I will use to try and decipher my crazy some more.

I will have a good week Lucky Readers. I will, I will, I will, I will, I will! Even if it freakin' kills me ...

I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish!

I wish ... oh so many things, Lucky Reader. I do this on a daily basis anymore, and I feel like if I don't share them I will eventually pop. And I don't want that. I don't want my head to explode in a brilliant zombie movie flash and for the gooey bits of my former head to be splattered all over whoever happens to be close by. And since our computer system is going wonkey today and i can't do any work, I thought now might be a good time to share it.

For starters, I wish I knew what I wanted after college.

I know I keep on bringing this up, but it is a major issue for me right now. I am still so completely torn between Chicago and Cleveland, and every single day I seem to be changing my mind. To break it down into basics, Chicago has the industry, Cleveland has the family. So basically I need to make a decision between having a successful career, and having my safety net. It's so hard for me, and I just can't make a decision. And I don't know how to get closer to that point. I think that may be the most frustrating thing about the situation overall ...

I wish Ted* and I lived in the same state.

Right now there are only two truly, solidly, undisrupted positive things I have going for me. One is awesome roomie. The other is Ted. And while the latter is fabulous and wonderful and everything I need in my life right now, he still lives in Toledo. And although I get to see him fairly often, it isn't enough. And it sucks. I miss him ... alot ... more than I want to admit.

I wish the quarter from Hell was done already.

Okay, that one is pretty self explanatory. This quarter has sucked. It's been a lot of long days, long nights, and long projects (most of them with groups - hooray). I have had so little free time it's ridiculous. My sleep cycle is incrediblly off and all I want is to sleep for a week straight right now. And don't call that senioritis. It's not. It's I-hate-stupid-professors-itis.

I wish my crazy would fix itself.

Yes, I am very happy that I am getting my crazy taken care of, Lucky Reader. But this process is really hard on me and hurting. It's altering the actual manifestation of the crazy, and it's putting me really off balance. For instance, last night i was hanging out with my friends, having a really good time. Out of nowhere, though, I suddenly got really sad and just wanted to leave and go home. In fact i didn't feel right until I was walking into my apartment again. That used to happen to me alot when I was in high school, but hasn't for a long enough time now that it is making me worry.

I just want to cut to four months from now when it should be better and I wont feel like this anymore. But until then, let me just say that I love being crazy! It's fantastic fun!

I wish it was spring break already!

I'm going to be going back to Cleveland for about a week for it, and I'm really excitied. I get to see my family, have rawkus fun with my very good friends, get to see Ted for a few days, and finally just CHILLAX!!! It's going to be amazing and I am very eager.

Finally, I wish that my meeting with my academic advisor goes well today.

She might tell me that my graduation is going to be delayed. I'm wicked nervous and I really hope it doesn't happen. So, cross your fingers for me, Lucky Readers.

I appreciate it!

*For future reference, all names in my blog are changed.

Enter the Kendragon

So I am embracing the random nickname my awesome roommate gave me. I am now ...

Kendragon!!!!!

See ... a Kendragon is adorable!!!!


So I'm going to be moving my blog over to here. For those who have followed me here from my other blog (which I will still occassionally post on, so don't fret ... if you are prone to fretting), know that you are all still Lucky Readers whom I love! But i'm going to be moving here cause I want to be able to post my blogs publicly without fear that the crazy people I don't care about, crazy people i do care about, and potential employers will read them.

So yes, I am paranoid.

Well that will be all for now. i didn't really have much to say tonight, but oh ... I will have more to say later.

You can freaking count on it LUCKY READERS!