Last post of the year mutha effas!

I don’t normally do the whole New Year’s Resolution thing. I usually find it self-indulgently narcissistic. Resolutions rarely are achievable things because people haven’t figured out the vital aspect of how they will do them, and I find they often are reflecting one’s most base negative opinion of his or her self. Here’s how I imagine resolutions going for most people. Keep in mind, this is a huge generalization. Ahem.

“I think I’m fat so I’m going to resolve to lose weight. I don’t make a real plan so I go to the gym a few times and eat better for a week or so. But then life hits me, I get depressed, and start comfort eating. Then I lose free time so I don’t go to the gym a few days in a row. Next thing I know it’s October and I haven’t lost a pound. I feel bad about myself, and have only succeeded in confirming that I am indeed as fat as I thought I was. I wallow in my negative view of myself as I gain even more weight so that I have another ten pounds on me when I make the same resolution next year.”

See – negative self-fulfilling prophesy disguised as self-help. Ew.

But I’m thinking that I might venture into this territory this year.

Here’s why:

I really like how my attitude has changed these past couple months. I’ve become a lot more positive, healthy, and (I hope) pleasant. I think it’s because I’ve been consciously trying to alter my body and mind. I’ve been planning how I will do these things and, here’s the tricky part, I’ve actually taken the necessary steps! Shocking!

So in the spirit of this success I’m going to continue to actively improve myself in 2009. And I want to put it down in writing so I can keep myself accountable (see, planning!) I figure the timing is very, very apropos, so resolutions is what I’m calling these bad boys.

This is how it’s going to go down.

This year I will:

Continue to work out, but step up my game a bit. I will not only use my trainer, but I will also take what I learn from him and more actively apply it to my routine.

Eat much better. Yes, I will continue to allow myself my little cravings when they pop up (life’s too short not to), but when I only want something cause it looks yummy aka bad for me I’m gonna say no. Healthy snacks ahoy!

Get into an apartment of my own by the end of 2009. So it has been spoken, so it will be.

Be much more responsible about my money. Nuff Said.

Find at least one more hobby and/or rediscover an old one (collages, I’m looking at you)

Start up my film blog again, and not allowing my time crunch to be a deterrent to do this. Mind over matter.

Continue to try to make myself a great sales person. I have the potential to be so, I know it. I just need to do it.

Find an outlet for my singing. A real one.

Get out to Chicago and St. Louis to visit the peeps I love and miss more often.

Be less worried about what people think of me. I will keep trying to simply be content in my self, and positive about the notion that I am a good person with a good heart.

So there are ten things, Party People (by the by…you guys are Party People now. Hope you dig it. I do.). Ten things that I think are very doable, in the line of what I’m already working towards for my life, and will only help me in my progress to becoming a better, happier Kendragon.

I encourage y’all to do something like this too. Making a list of self-improvement resolutions that are realistic, positive, and obtainable has been very satisfying. And is probably one of the best things I’ve done for myself in a bit.

There. Now I was helpful to myself and others. Hooray Kendragon!

Roth puts my streetness to the test

So I visited the Ghetto this weekend. Yea…so not as fun as rap videos make it look. Shocking, I know.

Here’s what happened Party People.

I was supposed to be getting together with Roth (hooray!) for dinner and a movie on Saturday. But then I remembered that I had a shift to work for crappy job until 9. Boo. But ever awesome Roth was flexible, and we decided to go to this place near his house to see an awesome 80s cover band. Dancing, micro-brewery beer, overall joviality … good times.

Since I was coming from work in downtown Cleveland and going to Roth’s end of town, I asked him for directions. I mean yes, he’d gotten me incredibly lost one time before (I got halfway to Pennsylvania before I realized I was way lost), but this was his turf – surely he would get me there safe and quickly. Right?

Ummm…no.

He had me take a turn that led me in the wrong direction. And he told me that I would be on that road for “a while”. I assumed that meant a few minutes…turned out it only meant a mile. But I didn’t know that at the time, so I unknowingly went for around 15 minutes into a bad part of town.

Eventually I began to notice some worrying things. Like, “Hey..sure are a lot of abandoned building around here.” “Hmm…that looks like a hooker buying drugs from someone on a well lit corner.” And then I had the best realization. “Umm…that mass of young dudes with their shirts off are yelling at each other pretty hard core. Lots of violent pointing and … oh shit! That’s a gun! He just pulled a gun and I’m driving by! Holy shit balls!”

It was round about this time it hit me that I was, in fact, in the ghetto. And despite my vast amounts of streetness, I think my nearly-albino whiteness and new car was just not gonna scare aware these people. So I made a panicked call to Roth who very calmly got me back to the right end of town safely. He stayed on the phone with me nearly the entire time and gave me a huge hug when I finally saw him. I was still shaking and apparently very pale from being so freaked. He bought me a couple beers to both calm me down and make up for nearly getting me killed. Kinda made up for it. Kinda.

We had a great time and I met a few more of Roth’s friends (who are awesome and really super funny) which was sweet. It wound up being more-or-less a win.

But dudes…Google Maps or GPS. For now on.

I'm a simpleton! Goodie!

I'm in a good mood. Have been for a bit now. Joy!

Might be because I've gone out with Roth a few times and it's been enjoyable. Perchance it could be because everyone's been real understanding about my decision to try something with him again even in the most vague of terms, save one person (who I think will eventually come around). Perhaps it's the fact that I've gotten all my Christmas shopping done. It may be due to my doing much better at work.

But I think the real reason is that I've realized that I find the most enjoyment in the strangest of places. And I've also discovered that I love this about myself.

Par example:

I adore watching songs play on my Windows Media Player while I'm at work. I can watch a song play for minutes at a time and become completely transfixed by it. My favorite setting – Plenoptic: Vox.

I love swinging. Love love love it! Everything about it - the physical effort, the window blowing my hair back and forth, the feeling like a little kid...awesome.

The crescendo in the middle of/at the end of "A Day In the Life" gives me chills every single time I hear it.

I giggle when I get something for free. Even if I don't really want it. And it's not just cause it's free. It's also because I like the idea that I have something that others don't. I can chose to keep it and enjoy, or give to someone else and be super nice. Either way I feel powerful. The power, Lucky Readers. The POWER!

I get true enjoyment from giving to others. This last weekend I received fifty yard line tickets to see the Browns play. Roth had a really bad week and had told me that he was going to be tailgating with friends on Sunday, and was hoping to get tickets. I decided to be nice and offer them to him and a friend. He got extremely excited and I know he and his friend really appreciated it. I felt good about myself, I didn't have to go to a football game in the freezing cold (read as single digit temps), and I made someone I care about feel very good. The act of giving was fantastic.

I love office supplies. Hear me? Love em! They keep me organized and that is my favorite thing to be. Hooray for tidy living!

I still have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy. I love ending statements with "That's what she said!", and one of my favorite past times with Awesome Former Roomie was to sit on the couch across from each other taking turns saying really serious hypothetical statements like, "Julie, this just isn't working. I found someone else. I'm leaving with her, and I want the kids." and following them with prolonged, quiet fart noises (made by our mouth...we're not disgusting!). Still makes me giggle to even think about it.

So yea, Lucky Readers - I'm simple. And I love this about myself. A hearty huzzah for me!

Sporadic bits that make me happy lately, and update on the controversial decision

My trainer at the gym told me that I was “petite and feminine” yesterday. I laughed at the petite part, but he explained that I’m super girlie because I always have painted fingernails, I have long blond hair that I don’t tie back too tightly when I work out, I have cute little workout outfits, and when he pushes me to do something that hurts I say ‘Owwie!’ in a high pitched squeak. I take an inordinate amount of joy in this.

Speaking of working out…ummm…I’m getting pretty hot. I’m getting very toned, and I’m beginning to lose some girth (finally), to the extent that I’m currently rocking some pants I bought my freshman year of college aka the last time I actually liked how my body looks. And my arms are looking less and less Polish everyday (read Polish arms as weak in the tricep area and frankly flab flabbity flabby!). I’m working on getting full on guns. But girlie guns. Like derringers.

I got a new calendar yesterday to put up at work. It’s vintage travel posters from roundabouts the 1920s, aka my favorite era for just about everything. I spent all morning going through and writing in birthdays and anniversaries and plans that I already have for the new year. I very nerdily enjoyed doing that. I even giggled when I highlighted my sister’s anniversary. Nerd = me!

I now have the LOVE Beatles CD and I adore listening to it at work. The music is amazing and the compilation of songs includes all my favorites. I’ve become re-obsessed with ‘Something’, and I’ve decided that along with ‘God Only Knows’ it will be played at my wedding. And if my future fiancée doesn’t like it…well we might have some problems. So Awesome Roomie…you’re gonna have to deal.

Mostly, though, I’m happy about how the date with Roth went. Here’s how it went down:

He wanted us to go to the same place we went for our first date, which I know was his attempt at ‘Let’s start over’ without being so corny as to say the words. We were both a bit nervous at first, but it became very comfortable pretty quickly on. We joked a lot like we used to, we updated each other on our lives, and upon his request we talked about what happened. It was oddly very nice to get everything out in the open and to be very blunt with each other. At one point he asked me if any friends were against the idea of us getting together, and I very bluntly told him yes, everyone was. “You hurt me and they don’t want to see my upset again. But they love me and want me to be happy so they are supporting me, even if it’s reluctantly.”

Dudes, his response reminded me of why I liked him in the first place. He nodded his head, said he understood, thanked me for being honest, than smiled as he gave me a quick hug. He didn’t get upset, he didn’t try to argue. He simply took my honesty in stride, understood the whys of the situation, clearly filed it away as knowledge to have in the future, and we moved on. He responded like an adult, and I enjoy that so much about it; he’s mature and respectful…more or less.

Oh, and at one point I asked, “So Why now? Why are you reaching out to me now?” He looked me in the eye, paused a moment, then said, “Kendragon, I never didn’t not want to reach out to you. I knew I had made a mistake almost immediately after I broke up with you, but I knew I hurt you and shouldn’t call. I hoped it would only be a matter of time for you to be okay with talking to me, and I’m really happy that that is what’s happened.” He then reminded me that he tried to reach out a month ago and I responded pretty badly, so…ya know…touché. But dudes…perfect response, and all on his own. THIS is why I like this guy. It was such a pleasant evening, and I found myself just as excited when he touched my hand for the first time that night as I had been when he did so on our first date. Overall it was very familiar and nice, so it was what I hoped for.

I’m obviously gonna be very weary and keep my guard up for a super long time. For instance, he started talking at one point about making some plans for the next couple weeks. As much as I want to do that, I can’t. The most plan making I want to do with him is to the next time I see him. Anything else seems just too unstable to do. I didn’t tell him this, but knowing it for myself is what’s important.

But I can’t deny how good it felt to be with him. Nor do I want to.

So…I’m happy bout it. Hooray for me!

Good idea...maybe? Hopefully not bad...

So I might be on the verge of a very big mistake. Or I might be on the verge of making myself super happy. I’m not sure what it’s gonna be yet.

I’m getting together with Roth tonight. You know, the guy who broke up with me cause he liked me too much. The one who tried to reach out to me about a month ago and I got very sassy with. The one I said I deserved better than.

Yea him. Well … (cough) … I’m giving him a second chance.

This might be a very bad idea. Very very bad. I know this. And it’s highly unusual for me. I’ve always been pretty much an exact Scorpio when it comes to personality profile. I’m very weary to trust once I’ve been scorned, and I don’t normally forget a wrong, even if I do forgive it. So when the guy who made me cry wants to start seeing me again I normally would castrate him for even daring to try to talk to me.

But that’s not happening in this case. I think it’s been because I’ve been missing him so much. And I don’t think it’s just cause of the time of year. I’ve been missing him since we broke up. And when I told him off for trying to contact me about a month ago I cried after wards. Not cause I was mad at him, but rather cause it wasn’t what I wanted to do. It was just what I knew was logical. He hurt me, ergo keep him far away. What I really wanted to do was guilt him then forgive him then kiss him. In that order.

I couldn’t do that at the time, though. Pride and still hurt feels are a bitch. But now…well I feel okay enough to admit that I still like him a lot. And I know I have to keep my guard up. But I want to see what happens.

Maybe I’m morbidly curious. Maybe I’m setting myself up for a lot of pain.

Or maybe it’ll be a really good call, and I’ll be thrilled I made the decision.

Sigh…we’ll find out.

A bit of both

Oh my people. How can life be so crazy and so mundane simultaneously?

I’ve been running around busy-like the past week or so, and yet I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. Want proof? Here!

I’ve worked a whole bunch for both jobs, but I also feel as if I’ve accomplished little.

I’ve gone on three dates in the past week with three different fellas (one was amazing, the other two kinda meh {oh, and I heard ‘meh’ is now a word in the dictionary. I feel I’ve contributed to this.}), but I still feel like I’m a bit alone. Maybe cause they were all only first dates, but still.

I’ve ran about twenty errands, but I know I have so much more to do in the next couple months.

I’ve figured out what I want to get a whole mess of people for Christmas, but have yet to buy/order any of it.

I’ve worked out a couple times, but since I’ve been feeling less than 100% I haven’t gone too hard.

So basically I’m a whole mess of dichotomies. Hopefully things will level out a bit before the end of the year. I’m in this really positive place right now, and I’ve decided that I’m going to do everything in my power to make 2009 an amazing year, and I’m thinking not being all over the board will help this mightily.

An update who's cheeks you just wanna pinch!

I know, I know, I know! I’m awful! I haven’t updated in a couple weeks. I’m a jerk.

But …umm…see I gots a good excuse.

Ummm…okay.

I was out of town…and I saw my sister, and my brother-in-law, and my nieces…and they were cute. And I ate lots of Turkey and Killer Corn…..and…ummmm…played board games. So…it’s not my fault. Kay?

Okay, I hope that come off like a five year old telling a story to their parent, and I hope you visualized a very tiny me standing with her chin very high up, hands alternating between clasped behind the back and motioning widely to illustrate points, and shifting my weight from foot-to-foot repeatedly. Oh! And pigtails! Adorable pigtails!

Yea, I went to St. Louis for Thanksgiving and saw my family and it was sweetttttt. Six days off work is always great. My nieces are too awesome for words. The adults taught the kids how to play Clue this weekend and it was hilarious how into it they got. The youngest didn’t quite grasp the concept properly and would keep moving past rooms and therefore not making guesses because she wanted to go to the Kitchen. This may lose something in translation to you Lucky Readers, but it cracked me up every time we played.

I love my family.

I’m getting along better with the Madre, which is great cause I’m pretty sure that I won’t be able to move out for a very long time at this point. Cause I’m poor. Joy. But hey…I guess I’ll live.

The only thing that uber sucks right now is that I’m really lonely again. Everyone here in Cleveland is going into hibernation mode so I’m doing very little these days. And my lack of a good guy in my life is really highlighted right now. But I stand by my new-ish guy mantra that I would rather be alone then with an asshole, so …hooray?

But I’m off now. Crazy stuff to do tonight. Regular updating will occur again peps. Kendragon still loves ya. Awesome.

Better...?

So…we talked. My mom and I. And things are better. Enough that I’m not worried that she’s gonna throw my stuff onto the lawn one day and lock me out of the house. Paranoid fantasy yes, but it did occur to me several times.

Rather, we’re at a point where we have an understanding. I understand that she thinks I’m lazy and untrustworthy, and she understands that despite her stating several times that she didn’t mean it I don’t trust that she doesn’t really want me out of the house, so I’m still looking for a place to live.

The biggest bonus of this is that we’re not hating each other. But a very close second is that I now have the time to figure out a better way to move out than hurrying to look for the cheapest place I can find and eventually getting stabbed or something cause it would probably be in the ghetto.

Arg…family. How I loath and love thee.

Now what?

It’s amazing how quickly family can crush everything you like about yourself.

My mother picked a fight with me this weekend. Literally. She admitted that she did. What it was about is fairly inconsequential so I won’t bother going into the details of that. What is important though is that in the course of this argument, my mother said some pretty harsh things to me. Called me a fatass after telling me that I spent too much time at the gym (enjoy wrapping your noggin around that one), told me I’m completely untrustworthy, and then proceeded to tell me that I’m ungrateful and essentially told me that I need to find a new place fast cause she doesn’t want me in her home anymore.

Wow.

Now I’ve wanted to move out of my house for awhile. I feel like such a loser living at home, and let’s face it I’m not the biggest fan of my step-dad. But the problem has been that despite my two jobs I truly don’t have the money to rent a place of my own. I know I could get a roommate, but I just really want to be on my own for awhile.

So what? Now I’m supposed to miraculously find a way to afford this? I reworked my budget this morning and even with me cutting everything back to the barest of bare minimums I’m about $400 a month short of having enough. If I can get some good commissions to come through I would be fine, but I hate the idea of essentially gambling on my living arrangement.

Essentially, this is the point I’m at right now: I have a place to live but know I’m not welcome anymore and although I doubt she’ll kick me out, I want to get out ASAP. How this is going to happen I haven’t the slightest clue of, and oh, let’s not forget that I know feel like shit about myself…and I’m apparently fat.

Thanks Mom…you’re the greatest.

Time to take stock...

So today's my birthday y'all. Hooray! The Kendragon is now 24. And we all know what that means: time to look back at the last year of my life and determine how happy with it I am/where I am in life overall.

Ready to join me? Yes? Sweet.

I think I'm gonna do this in a plus/minus format. Why? I dunno...seems like as good a way as anything.

Alright.

I have a job. I may not love the job, but I do like it a hell of a lot...despite the fact that I'm not too good at this whole sales thing. Yet. But it pays me well enough so that I can enjoy my life without having to give up too much. So overall plus!

I have a super nice car that I love that I'm paying for all on my lonesome, so i feel like an adult every time I get into it. Ane I play amazing mix CDs in it and sign along with them which I truly enjoy despite my most sincere efforts to look like a mature person when i drive it. Plus!

I don't have/have no prospects for a boyfriend right now. And the only guys I've seen this past year have wound up being kinda crazy or I sabotaged. Hmmm...negative.

I have an amazing family and family-of-friends. This includes, but is not limited to Awesome Roomie, Neat, Awesome Roomie's Utah residing friend, my amazing coworker who I love, and C (I know I used to complain alot about him, but despite the bad things and hard times he still would take a bullet for me then beat up the person who tried to shoot me. I can't forget that, even if i wanted to). Huge, huge plus!

I'm getting back into shape. And I'm doing it responsibly with the help of a professional. Plus!

I'm still not fully in control of my crazy. I'm getting better with it, but I'm still a long way away from where I want to be with it. Perhaps you all disagree, but to me a minor negative.

And finally, I have pretty solid goals for myself despite my inability to achieve them right now (good paying job i love doing, my master's, enough money to be able to enjoy life without being needlessly frivolous, an amazing family of my own filled with people I love and trust), and I'm actively living my life while trying to achieve those ends as best I can. After the previous year of floundering, this to me, is the biggest success of all. Plus, plus, PLUS!

So Lucky Reader - lots more pluses then negatives. And I'm working on the negatives, so pretty cool. I don't know what you think, but I think the Kendragon is living her life well.

Here's to another year, with even more pluses added to the list!

Cheers!

OOHHH YEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

So I think I drank the work Kool-Aid.

I totally didn't hate my nearly 10 hours of training on Friday, I actually took a whole bunch of work home this weekend and invested some money into making a very detailed binder of all the shows I sell (for quick reference when I'm on a call), I'm super pumped to move to our new office space because it means a new, more exciting place to work in, and I'm bummed that I had so many simple tasks to do today that I barely was able to get any calls in.

I think I might (gasp!) like my job again.

I know Lucky Readers, it blows my mind too. My apologies.

This whole thing has definitely been helped by getting a huge contract in last week (one I had labored on for over three months!) and that I got the "add of the month" today. It's a silly arbitrary honor, I know, but I'm sure proud anyway. And fifty extra bucks cause of it rocks too.

Also, I may not totally hate my second bad job as much anymore. The busy season has wound down and I'll only be working a few events for the rest of the winter. And since I've been there for about a year (holy shit balls, I've been there for about a year!) I now get to make requests for who I want to work with, so that rocks my socks off.

People...I'm enjoying my work situation. How sweet is that?

Now if only they paid me better...

In other news...said the broadcaster Kendragon...I love my new trainer. He actually called me this weekend to ask why I wasn't at the gym. Dudes, I love the hard-assness of this guy. It's what I need to kick my ass into gear. Today i totally don't feel like going, but I'm kinda scared to have him yell at me. So I'm gonna go. Ergo, he is the perfect trainer for me.

I reiterate...sweet.

The only thing I'm a bit bummed about right now is that so far I have no plans for Halloween...and I don't think I'm upset about it. This is the first year that I've been okay with the idea of doing nothing on my favorite holiday, and that's just lame. I feel like my childhood is all dead and stuff. And that's the pits, ladies and gentlemen. The pits.

But that's the worst thing going for me lately, and as I always say since that's the case I'm doing pretty well.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

I've been very confrontational lately. And by lately I mean in the last twelve hours.

Let me tell ya about it.

First Roth called last night. We talked for about twenty minutes. To sum up, basically I let him know that treating me badly isn't going to be made okay by calling and acting like nothing happened. I laid down the notion that I'm not okay, nor will I soon be okay, with how he treated me. I flat out told him I'm awesome (really...I did!) and that if he's gonna break up with me cause he likes me (he laid that revelation down on me during the talk) then it's his loss. We left it with me apologizing for being a bit bitchy but him understanding why I was.

So I totally laid down the law, and was super strong.
Awesome!

And then there was lunch today. I kinda sorta maybe got into a confrontation with the mean girl in the office joined to ours.

Here's the background. Our building has multiple companies in it. We share a common break room with another one. And the receptionist over there is a biiitttcccchhhhh! Luckily we'll be moving to a new location soon and we won't have to worry about it anymore, but man for the next ten days I gotta deal with the catty Ms. Thing over there.

So we went on our lunch today and, I'm not gonna lie...the girls in the sales pit with me have been enjoying taunting her a bit. Please note we're doing so by simply existing and going into the shared room. But she's been an unnecessary bitch for months and it's fun for us.

In the midst of our lunch a bunch of guys from her office (whom we enjoy the company of) came to eat with us, and we were having a grand ole time when the bitch suddenly walks in, slams the door, and leaves in a huff. I guess because we were being too loud. Which we might of been. but that was so the passive-aggressive way of dealing with it.

Well...my girls and I aren't having that since all we did was enjoy our break.

So my one coworker opens the door again and we simply started saying that we would be sad to be so frustrated by life. Then Bitchy McBitcherson comes in and starts throwing her weight around about how we were talking about her and calling me a hyena.

Well I ain't taking that shit, especially from Lady Bitch of the Bitchenham region. So we had at it. Basically me telling her that she could've been an adult about the situation, and her just droning on. The best moment was when she said in response to my statement that she could have just told us we were being too loud. She yells at me, "well I don't LIKE talking to PEOPLE!"

Wow.

So anyway. Either I'm a bitch or I just happen to be in a rocking-the-confrontation mode right now. Either way...kinda hope its done. Cause this stuff makes my blood boil and that's no good. But tis done now. So glad I'm going to the gym tonight to work of this stress.

Update and...umm, WHAT?!?!

Okay Lucky Readers ... interesting weekend.

Or maybe not interesting...maybe just fun for me.

Meh...I enjoyed it so me thinks you will too.

So I totally froze my ass off working for the radio station on Friday (three hours in 40 degree temps...not fun) and spent the rest of the night shivering...literally. And the zombie didn't pay me this time. Total bust y'all. Boo.

But then Saturday I worked out with Neat (oh we're getting along better now...hooray!). We took a class call Zumba... or maybe Zoomba...I dunno. But basically it's Latin dance, hip hop dance, and aerobics combined.

Oh my freaking word Lucky Readers...funniest class I ever took. I spent the first three dances trying so hard not to laugh at our instructor who is a straight looking black man who could move his hips like no other. Seriously...wow. I wound up having fun and I worked up a mighty good sweat so it was pretty awesome. But still...hilarious.

But I also had worked out with a new personal trainer on Thursday (the one who signed me up wound up being aggravating as shit and hit on me all the time via my cell which is so inappropriate, so I was glad when he traded me to a new guy). The dude is so much better but he also had me do an exercise that totally hurt my shoulder. So when I did the class it really aggravated it and made it hurt until...well this morning. Boo.

But I went to Ohio's wine area afterwards and enjoyed little shot sized samples of lots of yummy wine. The girls I went with were uber fun and when we got lost (which happened about every ten minutes on the country backwoods roads we were traveling on) we made more and more jokes about how that was how every horror movie starts. It was super fun and I really enjoyed myself.

Did very little on Sunday except for shopping with my mom (who I now hate for her size 2-ness). Which was fine with me since I woke up crying about my shoulder pain and couldn't do too much.

And then THIS happened.

I got a text. From Roth. Remember...the guy who more or less made me break up with myself 6 weeks ago after I didn't really do anything wrong? Yea...him.

"Hey stranger! How you been?"

Ummm...fine....what do you want?

"Oh nothing much. I've been thinking alot about you...mind if I shoot you a call later this week?"

WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?!?!??!

Why does this always happen? Why do guys dump me then start contacting me again? Is it cause they forget how 'horrible' I am? Is it because they realized they fucked up? Is it cause they only want me as a friend and feel like a month-to-six weeks is enough time for that? WHY!?!?!

It sucks even more cause I've really missed talking to him lately. I did find him wicked charming and nice, and I truly miss our random silly chats. Before he totally pussied out on me he was a great guy to spend time with. Actually one of the best I've met in a long while.

But oh yea...he totally pussied out on me and made me more or less break up with myself and pretty much threw me away after letting me confide alot of intense stuff to him that I didn't want to and after he told me that I was far too nice/complimentary/sweet for him. So...yea.

Not sure what I'm gonna do folks. But I know for sure that he hurt me. Bad. Or at least bad enough that I find this new development frustrating. I'm gonna let him call me...but I'm pretty sure it's gonna end in me telling him to take a hike and lose my number.

Cause I deserve so much better. So much.

Zombie run-ins and old-timey phrases

So real quick Kendragon update:

I've been working alot lately which hasn't been too fantastic except for the fact that I worked a radio station event at a haunted house...and got paid by a zombie! Freaking made my life! Awesome Roomie I'm looking to you to help me celebrate this.

Hmm what else? Oh I'm trying to get my film blog up and running (greyfilm.blogspot.com) but it's slow going so far. With my crazy busy schedule I haven't been able to update too, too regularly, but I'm trying. People...berate me to keep it up-to-date. Perhaps verbal threats will be what I need to make sure I make enough time for it!

Oh the swamped existence I lead!

I've been working out more and trying to watch more movies so I can nourish my body and my film obsession properly. I adore Netflix people. ADORE it.

I've been knitting again, which can only mean one thing in the land of the Kendragon - it's gonna get cold soon and I'm getting ready for it. Dagnabit I hate the cold...grr.

Since nothing much interesting happened the last week I'll keep this post short. But I'm well and that's all that matters.

Joy!

Making my muscles stronger makes me say 'Ow!'

Owwie. Owwwwwwwwwww. Dammit!

Stupid personal trainer.

Oh...I totally got a personal trainer last night. And he kicked me ass. Hardcore.

Now before anyone else starts to think that I'm, like, rolling in the in the dough...cause I'm not...know that I worked real hard to get this guy down in price. Dude, I poored him down to a fifth of the rate he wanted to charge me initially, and I figured out that if I cut my alcohol buying out of my weekend fun I can afford it. And save the empty calories. And not be the sad drunk girl.

So total win-win-win.

Sweet.

But still....OWWWWWWWW!

I can't stand up from a chair or sit down at my desk without having to psyche myself up for the pain. Last night, after I got done with the work out, I couldn't walk right, and I was literally unable to stand. Showering off I had to prop myself up against the wall. I got dressed on my knees for crying in the dark! Walking down the stairs to get food at my house I had to keep myself propped up against the hand rails.

Translation - this is going to be super good for me folks. I'm happy about my decision and looking forward to looking more foxy than I can currently fathom.

Now I'm just gonna go to stand up so I can jump up and down in celebration...

ouch! owwie owwie owwie! ugh!

sigh...

Picture me skipping like a little girl with pigtails would, then you'll be happy too!

I just have to share this guys.

I'm super duper happy and productive today!

I've been having a great couple of days overall (besides the fact that I think I figured out why I've been feelign sick for like three weeks which kinda bummed me out for a few minutes before I realized that it means that I'll actually be able to FIX IT - then I was happy). Then today I woke up warm and cozy under my electric blanket since it's totally cold in Cleveland and I felt rested for the first time in forever and literally hopped out of bed and totally got pumped to come into work. Totally rare for this girl who usually doesn't start to move quickly until I get some food into me and I'm already on the road.

Now once I got to work it's not like I had super fun things to do that I was eager to accomplish since sales is literally the most repetitive thing ever, ever. But nonetheless I was still incredibly pumped to sit at my desk and start plugging away.

Dudes...I haven't felt this way for over five months now. Five Months! I don't have the slightest clue what started it, but I know I'm thrilled about it.

So I'm not gonna kill it with questions, and I'm not gonna over analyze it. I'm just gonna enjoy the random super productive happiness and ride it out for as long as I motherfucking can.

Cause I'm actively trying to improve my disposition and state of mind. And for me I think the biggest thing I can do to improve that is to get out of my head a bit more.

See, I have this coworker/friend that I love. She's amazing. But she lives in her head the same way I do, and I'm beginning to see how much it torments her. The minute I realized that, I realized that I need to stop doing the exact same thing.

Super insightful of me, huh?

So...hooray for my current mood, and even more so huzzah to simply enjoying it for once.

Now excuse me, I need to go skipping through fields of lilies and daffodils while simultaneously completing phone calls that will make me millions. Sure the conversations might be a little odd sounding what with the forced breathing that will be associated with the skipping, but if it's making me dollar dollar bills then I'm not gonna worry 'bout it.

Tra la la, la la, la la!

Someday they're gonna name a disease after me...I just know it.

Do you know what the worst thing ever invented for me is? The internet. On a whim I can search anything I want. And I do. Readily.

But see, it's a dangerous thing to do so when you're kinda convinced that something bad has to be happening to you all the time. Cause then you take your random medical things and make it into much bigger deals.

Like i did last night.

I've been felling sick for about a week and I keep fluctuating between feeling normal and wanting to pass out. It's strange and I don't like it.

So I searched my symptoms last night - drowsiness, nausea, headache, etc. I wound up finding info about diabetes. Diabetes! Now I'm convinced that I have adult onset diabetes and that I'm gonna lose a foot. Fun.

Then this morning I started getting the same weird stomach problem I've been having off-and-on for about a year where i feel extremely nausea after i eat and get incredibly bad indigestion (which translates to PAINFUL burps for ten minutes straight. sounds funny but it really hurts). So I searched that. Now I find info about IBS and a couple other gastro diseases I've never heard of much less now how to pronounce. And I'm convinced I have those too.

I could go on like this people. I've convinced myself that I have herpes before because of canker sores (that was a fun week), which my doctor said probably came from stress (funny huh?), and I have a perpetual fear that a doctor is going to tell me that I have either breast cancer (runs in my family and i have large ladies...I think it's inevitable) or AIDS (totally irrational but I'm ALWAYS coming back to that in my head).

Why AIDS you ask? Because it's scary and incurable and I get sick frequently which is a symptom so of course my doomsday voice in my head tells me I must have it. Logical it is not, but nonetheless that's how my brain works.

So it's awful that I can look up my vague symptoms and find some link to a random crazy disease that I then worry about until my body stops being strange. And ironically its probably causing the additional amount of stress that lets my body get weak and ergo allows me to get sick. Stupid brain...

See, I need to stop letting this happen:

"Oh, I have a sore throat and itchy ears? I must have lupus! See! My random internet searching found one site on the fifth page of results that proves my theory so it's totally true!"

I'm batshit guys. And i need to not try to do self-diagnosis anymore cause it's making my paranoid...more so.

That or maybe it's the parasite I ingested through a tainted water supply that is making my thoughts all silly. Like, it must be eating at my brain and taking away all impulse control. Yea...that must be it! I'll prove it. To the internet!

...dammit.

Hedging My Bets

I'm trying y'all. I'm trying to stay super positive and happy with myself. I'm trying to constantly remind myself of the good I bring into the world instead of listening to the mean little voice that tells me about how worthless I am. So please, indulge me in this.

Deep breath now.





I am the following:

intelligent
witty
insightful
caring
attentive
aware
proud
articulate
loving
gentle
strong

I have the following talents:

writing
musical (singing and my viola)
artistic
knowledgeable of pop trivia
skilled at artistic analysis

There. Now maybe on shitty days I can come refer back to this and remember the good things about me. And maybe it can keep me positive and happy and aware of all the good I do for others.

At least that's the plan.

Just trying to be proactive people.

Thanks!



Oh and the list of things I hate about me is soooooo much longer. I could go on and on people. But as a rockstar goddess I need to learn to turn the mean voice off. Just...ya know...

Click.

I think my body is Tahiti for viruses.

Okay, this is gonna be sick person style update. Cause, ya know...cough.

Sniffle (brushes now permanently red nose with tissue that feels like bark from a dying tree)

Okay. Roth and I aren't seeing each other anymore. I'm bummed but really happy at the same time. Basically because I wound up taking the reigns and letting him know that I knew what he was thinking better than he did and I wasn't going to let him drag out the inevitable. I shall go into no more detail about the actual event, but basically I realized as much as I like him (and I did) and as cute as I thought he was (very) it didn't make up for the fact that I would have been alone in that, and I didn't want to waste anymore time feeling connected to someone who didn't feel the same thing.

I'm too cool for that. Even if my forehead says differently (puts thermometer in mouth, even though she's pretty sure it will heat up quickly and blow up cartoon style).

Er shhe ay... I lly adec....(takes thermometer out so that she can speak clearly)

(cough)

Sorry. What I was trying to say is...

Any way...I really appreciate the help people gave me during the Roth situation. It was amazing to see/hear so many people supporting me. Because even though I tend to forget it when I go low (again, so happy that didn't happen with this. I'm improving slowly but surely people) I do have some great people in my life who love me. So...thanks!

And besides the fact that i controlled my happiness for once, I'm also thrilled that I finally realized that I deserved better. i still don't know what the straw was that broke the camel's back, but I also don't think I care too much. Yes he was a good guy, but i think i was better. Even if only by a bit. I'm frankly a bit smarter than him, I know he found me attractive, he told me l was kind/generous to a fault many times, and I definitely brought all of myself to the table. So if he couldn't take that package of wonderfulness than his loss.

Someone some day will be happy to have me. Thrilled in fact. And I'll be happy as a clam and he'll love me and it will be the modern-day fairytale (cozy well-decorated house, lovely adventurous vacations, and either several lovely dogs or adorable, perfect, well-behaved children that never do anything wrong ever, ever) that I deserve.

And now I'm done talking about that. I'll move on (blows nose).

So besides that works been blah...very blah. Need to find a new one. Family is doing better...kinda. I still need to find some new hobbies but I'm working on it. Trying to stay on top of my health and fitness routine still.

Oh, and I've been SICK. AGAIN! Grrr...cursing...cough cough COUGH!

Dammit!

Believe or not, this is a positive realization. Honest.

First and foremost I have to say this:

I have amazing friends.

Whether they are listening to me drone on for hours at work about how 'crappy' my life is, staying on the phone for over an hour with me in the middle of the night making me feel better, or calling me up to just give me a "phone hug" they are amazing and I love them.

Booya.

Okay, now I feel the need to share an insight I came to last night.

I think I am officially the neediest person in the world.

Ever.

What's weird though, I totally am not bummed about this realization. Cool huh?

See, I was kind of wallowing in my unhappiness (luckily not lowness...I'm pretty pleased that I seem to be avoiding that) last night. Bitching to people on the phone, rehashing events of the past few days over and over in my head, waking my mom up so that I could complain to her a bit more ... I was executing every form of non-productive, whiny, self-indulgence.

And then it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, these are the actions of a needy, silly girl.

At that moment I realized that it's totally true. I am needy. Wicked needy. I need people in my life, and I need them to care about me. And since I'm constantly convincing myself that everyone is going to leave me and I'll die alone, I always feel a need to reach out to them ... or wonder why they aren't calling ... or ask myself over and over again what I did to offend particular people even if it isn't remotely the case.

So I truly do need, NEED the people in my life. To help me deal with my problems. To make me feel accepted. To repeatedly reassure me that I am not as awful as I make myself out to be in my head.

Call me sad, but it's true. And I'm owning it.

Now while this might not be the most positive thing to realize about myself, I think its oddly helpful. Cause the epiphany might just help me check my behavior a little more. Maybe it'll make it easier for me to not freak out on people for absolutely no reason just because I can't get out of my head after a needy streak has been sparked (cough, Roth...cough). Perhaps I'll be able to see the tendency to go beyond asking my friends for help all the way to asking them to pretty much hold me up, and in doing so I can stop it. Ideally, I'll be able to see my neediness in the process of it occurring, and I'll be able to make a concerted effort to change my mind frame so that I don't do it anymore.

See, Lucky Readers, I CAN see myself for who I really am. And I CAN not let it upset me. And I CAN use my flaws as a catalysis to improve me being. It is possible!

I knew it was just a matter of time. Excelsior!

Urban Renewal (it's a pun ... get it?)

I always find it fascinating how music touches me.

I'm not talking in the 'Oh that sounded beautiful!' sense, or the 'Damn they can play!' sense. Although those are important, that's not what's on my mind.

No, no. I mean in the sense of 'Huh, it's fitting that that song just popped on the radio,' fittingness. It's like some unseen hand likes to turn the dial to tunes that mesh perfectly with the events of my life.

And it's creepy.

With all the not-so-perfect stuff happening with Roth (boo...wicked boo) I've been kinda bumming the past few days. Not so much that I'm getting low over it, but enough to make me not want to do much and sleep alot.

But doing nothing isn't an option on Monday mornings, so when I went to head off to work and got into my car this morning I was already kinda down in the mouth about what my day was gonna hold. Then, before I got my iPod plugged into my radio (favorite feature of the new car, by the by) the country tune "You'll Think of Me" by Keith Urban popped on.

Now, Lucky Readers, I love me some country. But when you aren't exactly thrilled with something happening in your life it's not the best choice of tunage, what with the heartbreak and sorrow prevalent in the genre.

However, this morning it seems to have been a boon. For my non-country-fan readers, let me share a couple of the lines from it and you'll see why I say this.

Take your records take your freedom

Take your memories I don't need em

Take your space and take your reason

But you'll think of me

Take your cat but leave my sweater

Cause we have nothing left to weather

In fact I'll feel a whole lot better

But you'll think of me

And the next two are particularly good for me right now:

It seems the only blessing I have left to remain

Is not know what we could've been

Or what we should've been

While your sleeping with your pride

Wishing I could hold you tight

I'll be over you and on with my life

Now yes, this song is far too dramatic for the situation I'm in, but this is actually very comforting to me. I'm pretty sure that I'm awesome, and even if I had a strange moment it wasn't anything compared to my fabulousness. So if Roth is really gonna let one less-than-wonderful moment scare him off, then I need to realize that it's his loss.

See, nearly every guy I've come back into contact with after they've stopped seeing me for whatever reason has told me that at some point they've kicked themselves over their action. That must mean something good about me, right? I mean, there must be something redeemable about me that makes up for my silliness.

So thank you random country song! Thank you for creepily playing a song perfect for my mind-frame today, and simultaneously helping me to feel better about myself in a less than idyllic situation!

But the situation still sucks. Sucks hardcore. Bleck!

This is such a whiny post, but I'm upset.

Trying super hard to not over-react right now.

I had a not-so-great date with Roth and it's bumming me out super hardcore.

Mostly cause it's my crazy that made it bad.

Basically I let something he said that didn't even upset me get my wheels turning too much. I started to get depressed about it and couldn't hide it. Then he started questioning me on why I was clearly upset and I couldn't keep the crazy from spilling out of my mouth.

It wasn't an argument, a fight, or anything like that. I think it's part of what made it so awful. it was just...not talking flecked with odd statements from me.

Long story short, he became uncomfortable, and we left what should have been good times early. He barely spoke to me as we drove back, and it was only after I told him he was making me physically uncomfortable with the silence that he told me it was because of some of the stuff I said.

Now he hasn't called. And this after I left a message apologizing. So I think I fucked up too big.

What upsets me most about this isn't the fact that I already might be done with seeing a guy i really dig (which is a bummer ... hugely), but that I truly can't control my actions. During the whole non-fight uncomfortableness I knew I was screwing up. I knew I was being silly and I couldn't stop it. Again.

My god this is redonkulous now. I need to find a way to not do this shit anymore. But i also need to find someone who can deal with it. Cause all I want is for someone who sees the good in me to not be scared away by this shit.

And he sees me. Even in the midst of my silliness he told me twice that he "Would change a single thing about me." And i don't think it was just a line. I think he meant it. So I know he digs me on some level.

But...then why no response to my voicemail? Why no call? Oh...because I'm nutballs.

Hopefully I'm over-reacting. That's probably the case. But dammit i wish this thought process didn't even need to occur.

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

It's an update - 1950's news flash style!

Kendragon Chronicles World Update - Bringing the world of delightfully neurotic creatures to your door.

Dateline: Cleveland, OH.

Kendragon is still incredibly busy all the time but is happy with her current state of affairs.

Flash!

Cellular devices have recently stopped working all together! Rest assured, though, new hardware has been obtained to ensure phone usage for another day. Panic and looting was avoided.

In news of recent deaths, while on a road trip the Kendragon mobile ran through an entire community of insects. The souls of a thousand insects now rest on the windshield and hood. Their spirits seem to enjoy their resting place, though, as they are reluctant to leave the area. Exorcism by water is planned for later today.

Employment rates have remained steady. The job market remains unpleasant and unable to hire new talent, yet with the unemployment rates as low as they are Kendragons are able to sustain their current lifestyle with little trouble. In related news, workplace happiness among Kendragons has decreased recently.

Now to our on site reporter Chance McMurphy. Chance!

McMurphy here at the gym. Recent activity here shows that Kendragons are returning to their old patterns of exercise and fitness. Reports indicate that the previous level of activity, while effective at maintaining weight, had been insufficient to reduce girth further. This renaissance of swimming and increased cardio activity is expected to positively impact the physical appearance of these joyous creatures. Back to you at the studios.

In celebrity news, Kendragon has further enjoyed the company of new beau Roth recently. This fun loving couple has been spotted painting the town red at dance halls and speak easies across the region. Kendragon's gams have been put to work on the dance floors with Roth several times over recent weeks, surely impressing the attractive young gentleman. Are signs of interest becoming sparks of romance? Only time will tell. But at this rate this dynamic new pair will take the city by storm while we wait for an answer!

That's all for the Kendragon Chronicles World Update. Be sure to take care of yourselves in this crazy, cockamamie world of ours.

Goodnight.